Blade Chord
by Arista Lycoris
Summary: She ran away from the Black Order five years ago and now she's being forced to return against her will. Will she run away again, or will the changes made to the Order convince her to stay? And does Kanda even care if his old 'friend' stays? KandaXOC
1. Chapter 1: Freedom

_Warm sunlight poured down, warming my skin comfortably as I lay in the field of tall grass. The blue sky spread out endlessly above me, the only blemish was a single fluffy cloud, floating passed as slowly as it could._

_The field shattered._

Sometimes when I daydreamed, it was like looking at the past, before I'd had to fight for freedom, before I was on the run, back when I was happier. I ran a hand through my long red-brown hair, pushing it from my face as I came back to my senses. I was in a little coffee shop on the coast of Portugal, from where I sat, I could see the waves breaking on the shore, the small dots that were people roaming around in the sand and the sea of umbrellas would make an interesting collage. It was bright and sunny outside, which is probably why I was pulled into the daydream, but with a sigh I stood to leave. I was tired, but I couldn't sleep, I had to be alert, at least a bit more than on a normal day.

Normally I'm relatively nocturnal and feel next to defenseless in the middle of the day, but I knew people would be coming after me soon, the same people I'd been avoiding for the better part of five years. They found me periodically and always during the day, when I was weakest, of course I would still be able to defend my freedom. That didn't change anything though, as soon as they were gone, I would collapse onto my bed and fall into an exhausted sleep before resuming my nighttime schedule.

Upon returning to the rundown shack I called home, I noticed someone was already inside. The door was slightly ajar and the air reeked of alcohol; something I was not fond of. I was immediately on guard, glaring at the intruder. He wore black clothing, something they all wore, but not what the ones who came after me wore. Part of his face was hidden behind thick red hair, while underneath that hair was a white mask. Thin glasses rested on his nose, behind those glasses one dark eye watched me with amusement. His goateed face broke into a grin as soon as he looked me up and down. "Hello, Miss Shiyuki."

"What do you want?" I snarled angrily, taking half a step backward. This man was renowned for two things and while neither of them was fighting, I knew that he could take me down without any trouble, unless I ran.

He continued to watch me with an amused expression for a few moments before speaking again. "I was wondering who else would run from the Order, but you don't seem to do it the same way I do."

"Of course not," I snorted, "but you don't have to follow orders like I would."

He laughed, mocking me. "That is true. How would you like to travel with me then?"

I stared at him blankly. This man was known for running away and being a philandering pervert. I suppose I could add on pedophile now and I answered immediately. "No. I'm am not going _anywhere_ with the likes of you."

One red eyebrow arched in a questioning manner, he was pretending he didn't know that he was a famous womanizer. You didn't even have to be all that confident in your appearance for this guy to go after you and I knew exactly how pretty I was. I was the girl that guys would randomly approach and talk to in hopes of getting something, but I didn't get stared at as I walked by, I would never be scouted by a magazine or anything like that, but judging from the way he looked at me when I came inside, I made it to his level of interest.

"Well then, Miss Shiyuki, I'll give you a warning. More people will be here in a week. Be prepared." As I glared at him, a bit of confusion must have flickered across my face because his smile widened. "I tell you so that it won't be quite so difficult to get a good look at you a year from now." He stood and swept out of my house a moment later, leaving me there to shout and scream and rant at no one because of how perverted that bastard was. I was seventeen, in a year I would be eighteen, a legal adult in most countries.

That sick bastard had another thing coming if he even _thought_ he could lay a hand on me. I may not have the strength to beat him in a straight fight, but I sure as hell could damage his most precious parts beyond recovery.

* * *

Exactly a week later, as I exited my house to get some coffee to help keep me awake, I saw three people standing just outside my door, one of them prepared to knock. The second I saw their black cloaks, I slammed the door shut in their faces and locked it with a feeble, yet secure _click_. Then I proceeded to close and lock any and all windows and the back door. As soon as I had finished that, I proceeded to push a giant bookshelf, my only bookshelf, in front of the door, blocking any entrance from the front. After which I entered my emergency escape tunnel. I knew the day would come when the Black Order would stop sending their powerless Finders after me and switch to the much stronger exorcists and so I had dug a tunnel that would get me out of my house and would let them think I was still inside.

I was not going back if I could help it. That horrible place would be the death of me, quite literally. As soon as I was out of the tunnel, I took off running, but they found me after only a few moments, which led me to believe that at least one of them knew me. I didn't look behind me to check, instead I continued running, taking short cuts through alleys, weaving in and out of residential areas, hopping over fences and skirting around places where innocent bystanders could possibly get hurt. Occasionally I would hear someone shouting for me to wait and that I wouldn't be harmed. Sure, they weren't going to physically hurt me, if I cooperated, but I knew that it would absolutely destroy both my pride and sense of self if I returned to that horrible tower; with its torture chambers and cruel advisors.

After a week of not sleeping, it was hard for me to run so much and soon I was breathing heavily, my muscles screaming in protest, limbs engulfed in fiery pain. Being physically incapable of sleeping at night and forced to remain awake during the day to make sure I didn't get ambushed was taking a huge toll on my body and I wasn't sure how much longer I could hold out. I was fast, I knew that well, but the three people on my trail were better rested, better conditioned and not weakened by sunlight. Sometimes I felt like a vampire, but that wasn't it, I was weak to light in general, but that wasn't my fault, I was born like that and it was wasn't as bad as it sounded. In fact it was like nothing was wrong for most of my life, I could walk around in the sun like any normal person, but now… that horrible Order was to blame for this weakness. It was their fault I couldn't fully enjoy the life my parents had given to and for me.

My eyes were having trouble focusing and every time I blinked it became more difficult to open them again; I could hear their rapid footfalls growing closer as they gained on me, but I knew this area like the back of my hand and ducked into another alley, hopped another fence and dove into the two story playhouse that was carefully crafted and placed in someone's backyard. It was difficult for me and my five foot three inches to get to the top story and near the open window, but I would throw myself from the window as soon as they passed by the doll house and take off in the opposite direction. It was by no means a foolproof plan, after all the only foolproof plan I had would be to move to yet another country and hope the Order wouldn't find me for a while.

They just _had_ to stop outside the dollhouse and look around though, searching for some clue as to where I had disappeared to. Finally one of them spoke, "I thought she was supposed to be weaker during the day." It was a boy, probably younger than I was, by at least a year. He was slightly out of breath, but he wasn't struggling to keep his breathing silent and under control like I was, only a foot or two above them. My heart was pounding so hard in my chest that I thought I would be sick. I could feel my blood pumping in my throat, my heart pounding relentlessly against my ribcage. It hurt to simply breathe. I was either horribly out of shape, or simply exhausted.

"She's not _physically_ weaker during the day," a female voice replied, panting slightly as well. Man, the Order's information was way outdated, "her synchronization rate is lower while the sun is up; that's all."

"That's odd," the younger boy sighed, "I've never heard of the strength of Innocence changing depending on the time. She's a Parasitic type, right? Like me?"

"_Che_, not quite, _Moyashi_." Now that voice sounded vaguely familiar, but I couldn't quite place it. I didn't try too hard to remember though, any guys I knew in the order five years ago were bound to have gone through puberty so there wouldn't be very many similarities in their voices anymore. "Her body doesn't change. The Innocence is embedded in her brain."

"It's Allen! A-L-L-E-N!" the first boy shoute, before seemingly calming down, "Anyway, she doesn't seem to be here. Should we go check elsewhere?"

"Where?"

"Uh, Restaurants? She's got to eat a lot, doesn't she?"

At the mention of eating, I felt my stomach gurgle, but it wasn't betraying me yet so I promised it an all-you-can-eat-buffet the second I was safely away from these guys. Surprisingly enough, my stomach didn't start growling louder at the thought of food, but I hadn't eaten in a while I knew it was only a matter of time before it caught up with me and I suffered some major repercussions.

"Check this thing first." The more serious of the two males muttered, obviously talking about the dollhouse, "She might have gone in."

"I don't think she'd fit…"

"That never stopped her before."

Ah, so that was it. The serious one of the two guys was the one who knew me, at least well enough to know that I would dig an escape tunnel and do what I could to throw them off, even if it meant hiding in a playhouse for midgets. Luckily the door to the dollhouse was near them and the window was in the back. Throwing myself from the window, I grabbed onto a low hanging tree branch and was suddenly glad I had spent the last five years making sure I could become an escape artist if ever necessary. A few seconds later and I was over the wooden fence guarding the perimeter of the yard and off again.

Just my luck that whoever it was that knew me was expecting it and had already gone around the back of the dollhouse, looking for the window I had just thrown myself out of. He was over the fence almost as fast as I was. The chase might have lasted a while longer, but the muscles in my stomach suddenly clenched painfully and with a sharp intake of breath, I was on the ground, clutching my stomach in pain and trying to make myself as small as possible, maybe he would just keep running.

Of course not.

"Shiyuki, Saya. You're returning to the Black Order with us."

"No." I muttered, my eyes squeezed tightly shut as I tried to ignore the pain in my stomach. It had betrayed me and in the worst way possible. If it had just growled loud enough for them to hear, I might have been able to get away, but no, it just had to cramp and try to kill me.

"You're not in any position to argue."

"So?"

"You're coming with us."

"I said no."

He didn't really give me any time to argue either. I felt an impact on the back of my head, just above the neck and then everything was dark. The pain stopped and I didn't have to remain awake anymore.

* * *

When I opened my eyes again, the sun was still high in the sky and I wanted to swear loudly. Instead I kept my shoulders slumped and my hand hanging low. My arms were both cuffed to armrests and on the floor, just out of my reach, lay two very powerful lamps. The Order had really thought about how to neutralize my abilities this time around. Though simple lamps weren't going to do too much, no matter how powerful they were. I could still use my Innocence, it just wouldn't be very strong.

Fellow Exorcists would be able to counter whatever defense I pulled out of my ass easily enough, so someone _had_ really thought out everything, from what my abilities were to how strong they were at what times and everything else. I knew I couldn't get away anymore, but that didn't mean I wasn't going to try. I started yanking my arms toward me as hard as I possibly could, letting the metal cuffs cut into my wrists. As I struggled, my hair fell from over my shoulders and covered most of my face and upper body, barely brushing against my lap as it swayed violently with the rest of me.

"Stop that before Kanda knocks you out again!" it was the young boy from earlier, but that didn't matter, I recognized the name he used immediately and froze. Kanda, Yuu. I met him inside the Black Order eight years ago, when he first came to the Black Order. I had been there since I was seven and only a year before I met Kanda. He was the only other Japanese youth in the Order at that time and since we shared our heritage, we were close, but after three years of friendship, I had escaped the hell called the Order and he had declined the offer to go with me. That _bastard_ wasn't going to be enough to keep me from struggling and I started up again.

I only stopped when my stomach decided to inform the entire train that it wanted food and it wanted it right then and there. My cheeks felt hot when I realized that everyone could hear the monster in my tummy and returned my gaze to the floor, staring at the floorboards. I heard a sigh and the boy said, "I'll go find something for you to eat."

When he left, someone else came into the train cart and sat down across from me. I couldn't help but glance at my wrists self-consciously; they were already bleeding and would be bruised for at least two weeks. That wasn't the worst part though, I hadn't even managed to loosen the cuffs in the slightest; I was still effectively chained to the chair. I really had no choice but to go back to that nightmare.

"_Che_. You had to run." Considering how the voice was deeper and more developed than that of the previous guard, I decided that it was Kanda, he'd grown up, just like I had. I remained silent though, I wasn't going to talk to him, he betrayed me, forced me back to the Order against my will. He wasn't my friend anymore; no matter how much I'd wanted to see him in the past few years, no matter how close we _had_ been. That friendship obviously meant nothing to him anymore. "Look at me." I stared at the ground with even more determination, biting down on my tongue to keep any sounds from escaping my mouth, should it betray me like my stomach decided to. Silence reigned for a few more moments. "Saya." I made no response to my name. Finally he moved. I hoped he would leave, but instead he grabbed hold of my chin and jerked my face roughly up, forcing me to meet his eyes for a second before I could turn my head toward the window and continue my silent glaring.

He hadn't changed too much, but it was still rather shocking, I had never expected little Kanda Panda to become so… well… handsome, but I was still angry at him. He let out an annoyed sigh and let go of my chin with a flick of his hand and I let my head drop again, my gaze boring into the ground. I wished that if I stared hard enough, it would light on fire and I would somehow be able to escape, but fire wasn't my element.

I heard him sit down again and felt his eyes on me. He was probably remembering all those times when we'd planned to escape together, when we trained together, complained, ate, and fought together, just like I was, but I wouldn't meet his eyes, I was too angry. One thing I hated about myself when I was really angry with someone I didn't want to hate, was the moment I met their eyes, I would start crying, I had no control over the action, it just happened. When we were kids it was the perfect way to get him to apologize, but I highly doubted it would work this time and an apology wouldn't give me back my freedom or my life.

It was silent until the other guy, Allen he'd said his name was, came back. I could smell the plates of food, there were at least three different cultural cuisines, and my stomach let out another roaring cry of hunger, the muscles threatening to constrict again if some form of sustenance didn't make it in there soon. I continued to stare at the floor, pushing all thoughts of food from my mind. I wasn't going to eat. I wouldn't allow myself to.

"Here's some food, Miss Shiyuki." When I didn't even bother to look up at him, he spoke again, his tone a lot more worried than before. "You should eat, or you could collapse again."

"Leave her." Kanda grunted from across the car.

"You're heartless Kanda! I can't do that!"

"She won't eat." He muttered. His boots hit the floor again and a few moments later I heard the sliding of a train car door opening and closing.

Silence once again became the most dominant feature in the room, at least until this Allen kid sighed, "Miss Shiyuki, you really should eat." I didn't reply. "Your Innocence is a Parasitic type, isn't it? It drains your life away if you don't have enough energy to keep it from doing so." When I still didn't reply, he eventually left too.

I took that moment to look around; I was in a train car, first class by the looks of it, since the Order traveled in style, even if they didn't always get on the train the right way. The windows were wide open, letting the warm sunlight pour in; taunting me. If they had come at night, or if I had taken Cross's warning, then maybe this wouldn't be happening. I could guarantee it wouldn't be happening if they had come at night. Now I was stuck in a rather nice train car that might have been comfortable if I wasn't tied down and bleeding from the wrists.

When I heard the door begin to slide open again, I lowered my head once more. There was a very feminine sigh and I had the image of someone putting their hands on their hips and looking down at me with a worried frown. I couldn't figure out why I had that image though.

"Allen-kun was right… Saya, why won't you eat?" the person must have known me as well, only people I knew called me by my first name without an honorific. I wasn't as cruel about it as Kanda, but I liked respect and I certainly wasn't getting it right then. There was another sigh and she said, "You're seriously considering not forgiving Kanda, aren't you?" I still said nothing. "And me…"

I closed my eyes and kept my head down, keeping my breathing even. I still wasn't feeling well, but that comes with a week of no sleep, not eating enough, overexertion and probably being knocked unconscious since my head was pounding as well. Finally the girl let out an exasperated sigh, like she was finally getting annoyed with my silence. "It's not like it used to be Saya. The Order is better now. The experiments have stopped; they only have mechanical ones now, creating robots and stuff. You won't be forced to return to your room after training for hours with no food, it's actually a friendly place now." I continued to concentrate on my breathing alone. "And Leverier hasn't been there in years."

Every muscle in my body tensed at hearing that name. Without thinking about it I began to struggle against the cuffs again. They cut deeper and deeper into my wrists and a dark thought crossed my mind. If I died before going back then maybe I would get my point across. I pulled against the cuffs harder, ignoring the girl shouting for me to stop. I barely heard the door open again and let out a shocked gasp when there was yet another impact to the back of my head, then darkness once again.

_Damn you Kanda._

* * *

**A/N: **So I thought I would give a Kanda Fan fic a shot =3

It's named after a song I was listening to because I thought of him when I heard the name xD

**A/N #2:** 3:11 AM 5/29/2011

I edited some typos and that's about it =w= I did add in a few details in like three places, but mostly just typos.


	2. Chapter 2: Temporary

I woke up with a splitting headache. It was like someone was sitting on my brain with a jackhammer, laughing maniacally, and that someone had Kanda's face. Above me lay a blindingly white ceiling, the room smelled of anesthetic and hydrogen peroxide. I was covered by thin, crisp white sheets and effectively kept from movement through what I suspected to be a lot of numbing medication. I couldn't feel my legs, let alone move them toward a window for escape. My stomach woke with me and the loud, angry sound carried through the empty hospital wing of the Black Order's headquarters.

Only a few seconds later the Head Nurse came bustling out of a room a few feet away. "Starving yourself again are you?" she asked, casting me a glare that was more worried than angry. "That won't get you anything." She nodded toward one of the other nurses coming out of the same room and as the second nurse ran off, the Head Nurse began to change the bandages on my wrists. "You cut yourself open pretty good, you know that? I yelled at the Kanda when they brought you in here. Not only did he knock you out twice, he even let you cut yourself up!" She muttered a few more things under her breath, but I was trying not to pay attention to her, staring blankly at the ceiling, trying to turn my brain off, trying to ignore what it was I could practically _feel_ in the lower levels of the building. "You haven't said a word since they caught you, huh? You've got them all worried, even Allen-kun and he doesn't even know you." It was almost amazing that she recognized me, after five years I had changed quite a bit, I wasn't that gawky, knobby kneed little girl anymore, I had grown taller and filled out with a good amount of lean muscle. My hair had more red than brown now and even my eyes were a little different. They grew darker and darker as I got older. They had been hazel before and now they were almost black. I had little if any extra fat on my body, my checks weren't as chubby has they had been. I wouldn't have recognized myself as a little kid. Somehow the Head Nurse had, maybe it was just the presence that I had; she would have gotten incredibly used to that considering how often I was in this place when I was younger.

"You know, we're under new management now," she smiled, "it's a lot better than what you remember! You remember Lenalee right? Her brother is now the head of our science department and so he calls most of the shots around here. We have welcoming parties for the new exorcists, birthday parties, we celebrate Christmas, Valentine's Day, New Years, sometimes Easter." When I had no reaction to all she had to say, the Head Nurse sighed. "You won't believe me until you see it, won't you? Well, you probably will."

"Hello?" the same feminine voice from the train called out. "Has Saya woken up yet?"

"Ah! Lenalee! Come over here and talk to her! I'm not getting any reaction."

Footsteps sounded, coming closer and then a girl was standing over me, long green hair tied into high pigtails, her eyes were large and purple, skin clear and pale. Those eyes looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn't quite place it. Her name sounded familiar too, but then I had tried to push most of my memories from the Order out of my mind. The girl was smiling, but there was still an obvious amount of worry in the way her lips were curled up nervously, the way her eyes darted from my injured wrists to my own dark, unfocused eyes. "Saya, it's me? Do you remember? Lenalee Lee? We didn't see each other much around the Order when you were here, but you remember me don't you?" It took a moment for me to realize that I did know her, though only slightly. Lenalee had been the only other girl I would talk to when I'd been here, but she too had been forced here against her will and forced to use her Innocence. When I'd left I'd been told she committed suicide.

Something must have passed over my face, a flicker of realization or something else that she noticed. "You do remember!"

"Said you died."

Her eyes widened a little and then became sad, as if she had tried to forget she'd ever attempted suicide. "Not quite," she replied quietly, trying to meet my eyes, but whatever she saw there made her turn away. "My brother came and is making it better. It's friendlier and happier now."

Another voice called out. "Lenalee?" It sounded like the voice of that Allen kid from the train. "Komui-san is looking for you. Oh, is Miss Shiyuki awake?" there were more footsteps and then a boy with white hair and a strange eye was looking at me with a smile. His eyes were gray, but the left one had a strange red marking across it, it wasn't quite a scar, but the pentacle on top informed me he had been cursed by an Akuma. His hair was oddly white and I wondered if that was because of his curse as well, but it hardly mattered, he was too happy. "Hello Miss Shiyuki, I'm Allen Walker!"

The door opened again, the loud creaking its hinges made as it opened and the heavy thudding as it closed was more than familiar, it was almost a welcoming sound, I had been so used to it from childhood when I had spent more than half of my time in the Order sitting in this very room on another bed exactly like this. Kanda was usually sitting in a chair next to me or was in the next bed over, complaining grumpily about how he shouldn't have been in there in the first place, that he was already fine.

I was distracted by the smell of food, a lot of food and my stomach let out another groan, but I kept my face emotionless, not even looking toward the door and whoever had brought in the food, I wasn't going to give them that satisfaction. The head nurse muttered a curse and said, "Lenalee, get her in a sitting position." A moment later, Lenalee's arms were under my own, lifting me into a sitting position. The action was followed by the head nurse unceremoniously shoving something that tasted like chicken into my mouth and moving my jaws for me, forcing me to chew. The woman then held my nose and waiting for me to swallow so I could breathe again. I didn't comply. Allen started freaking out about how my face was starting to turn blue and someone else hit my back, forcing me to choke on the food in my mouth and swallow on instinct.

When someone hasn't eaten in a long time, they can feel it when the food hits their stomach and churns up all the acids inside, it hurts and that was exactly what I felt at that moment. Cringing, I tried to push them away from me, but I was still numbed and I doubted that anything but my mind cringed from the pain in my stomach. The process was repeated multiple times and eventually it either didn't hurt anymore, or I had gotten so used to the pain I just didn't feel it anymore. I don't know how long they force-fed me, but it was long enough that Allen stopped freaking out and started helping, despite looking at the food longingly.

"Oh, she's calming down!" Lenalee said happily as I started glaring at them, unable to do much more.

Allen looked warily over at the young Chinese girl. "Um, Lenalee… she looks angrier to me…"

"Oh no," she replied, waving him off, "when Saya gets really angry, she gets really calm and quiet and doesn't say or do anything and won't eat. She's visibly angry now, so she's calming down." Sometimes I hate it when people know me too well.

The door opened _again,_ really quickly judging by the shortened squeak and I heard a loud male voice all but scream, "LENALEE! I sent Allen to get you and you didn't come! I began to think he was trying to steal you away! I was going to have to **destroy** him!" The way the person said 'destroy' was like they had become another person altogether and I could imagine a strange look on their face as though they would really destroy Allen. Allen squeaked and jumped to the other side of my hospital bed as the man came over. When he finally came into view, I noted that the only thing he and Lenalee had in common was skin tone. "Oh? She's awake?" Something flashed over his features and he decided to hug me. "She's so adorable! She reminds of you Lenalee! So precious!"

"Brother! You're choking her! She's turning blue!"

"I thought he only did this to you!"

"I don't know why he's doing this!"

"You're going to kill her! Let her go!"

"She's just like my little Lenalee!"

"Allen! Go get Kanda!"

"What? WHY!"

"He can scare Komui! And I want to see if he'll come like he did when they were kids."

"HEAD NURSE!"

"Go, go!"

The door opened and closed again and finally the blue or was it purple haired psycho let go of me, dabbing at his eyes comically and sniffing back air. After a moment, he calmed down enough to look rather serious. "I'm sorry, I really was reminded of when I came here and saw Lenalee." From the look on his face, I assumed that I looked like an attempted suicide, especially with my wrists bandaged. I couldn't deny that I had thought about killing myself, in fact I had seriously considered and probably would have if Kanda hadn't knocked me out. He was still an ass though and I was not about to forgive him. After a few more minutes, the man decided to return to his apparently normal comical nature and was hugging his little sister, going on about how he was so glad she was so much better than before and some other things, but I stopped listening because it was annoying.

"It's almost amazing that Komui, of all people, got a reaction out of her before anyone else." the nurse sighed, walking off and returning to the room she had come out of earlier. I was beginning to get feeling back in my limbs and started making escape plans, but it suddenly occurred to me, that this insane man was now the one in charge of the Science Department, the one who practically ran the entire place. That was odd.

The door slammed open again and I swear I twitched, thinking darkly about locking the god damn doors because I didn't want just anybody walking in while I was sleeping or numbed or anything. When I glanced over at the door and saw Kanda coming with Allen and some red haired kid, I looked away, frowning and glaring at the floor again. "Strike!" That voice didn't belong to anyone I knew, so I assumed it was the kid with the red hair. What was he talking about?

"Saya-chan is it?" the red haired kid came bouncing over. "Hello! I'm Lavi." My response was a glare and he paled a little, but otherwise looked unaffected. "What did I do?"

Lenalee was laughing slightly as she pushed her brother away from her. "Looks like she's still mad at you Kanda."

"_Che_, like I care."

"Oh, I think you do," Lavi jumped up, "Yuu-chan!"

I snorted, trying not to laugh, but I really couldn't help it, I could feel them looking at me as soon as the sound escaped, but Kanda _never_ let people call him by his first name and now some guy just did? That sounded a little gay to me, but I was probably the only one who would think that, especially since I had been gone for five years. That was plenty of time for Kanda to make a new best friend. He must have, especially since he up and betrayed me like that.

"She… laughed?" Allen whispered confused.

Lenalee started laughing. "I think I know why!" she continued to laugh for a little while until finally I heard the sound of Kanda unsheathing Mugen and threatening to kill the redhead. He must have known what I was thinking and it must have offended him as much as it humored me.

There was a loud clapping sound and we all looked up at Komui, who was smiling and holding his hands together like he was planning some catastrophically abysmal event. "Well, since Allen and Lavi have met Sleeping Beauty, it's time to assign her to a partner! Shiyuki, Saya, as soon as the Head Nurse lets you out of the hospital, you will be working with Kanda, Yuu. Kanda, make sure she doesn't escape! "

* * *

It took an hour for everyone to get bored of my unresponsiveness and finally they all left, with the exception of the silent Kanda who's expression was a mirror of my own. We both glared at absolutely nothing. It was during this time that I could feel my limbs again and when I tried to move my toes, they obliged, moving exactly as I had wanted them too. I waited a few more minutes, at least until I was sure that I could control my body well enough to get the hell out of the Black Order. Without looking at Kanda, I threw the thin sheet at him and took off toward the end of the room, there were a few windows in the hospital wing, but they had been sure to place me as far away from them as possible. I didn't get far before something pulled me back. Kanda had expected the sudden action and cut through the sheet when I threw it at him and proceeded to grab the collar of my shirt before I could get away.

"You're not getting away."

"I should have left with that perverted general…"

"What?"

I crossed my arms and made a huffing sound, glaring at a wall and ignoring Kanda. He picked me up easily enough and threw me back on the hospital bed, before taking a seat in the chair the Head Nurse had surreptitiously placed next to the bed. He glared at me, trying to get the answer out of me with his eyes, so I answered by glaring back, just as pissed. Finally I asked, "Why did you bring me back?"

"Orders."

"So friendship means nothing to you, I see. It's nice to know that the one person I trusted in the entire hell hole that is this place is the same person who stabbed me in the back and brought me back to my worst nightmare." My tone was spiteful, but then sarcastic, "Thanks Kanda, thanks. That really means a lot to me. You traitor."

"_Che_," he muttered, standing, "I don't have to put up with this."

"As a matter of fact, you do. The insane one paired us up and told you to make sure I don't escape, though if you want to leave be my guest. I'll be gone soon after and then who knows what kind of orders you'll get next. Of course if you just want to let me leave, I'd be more than happy to oblige and get the hell out of here." I spat angrily, "I could go find that General Cross and hang out with him like he asked me to."

"You met that-"

"Yup and I should have listened to him too. He warned me you guys would be coming, but I didn't think he was telling the truth so I was awake waiting for the Finders to show up for a week."

"You didn't sleep?"

"Uh, no." I replied, looking at him like he was an idiot, "I can't sleep at night anymore. Not. At. All."

He opened his mouth to say something else, but the door opened again and I swore loudly, then began mumbling under my breath about barricading the door so I could escape through a window. Komui walked in carrying a clipboard. "Come on you two. Time to see Hevlaska, we need to check your Synchro-ratio, Shiyuki-chan."

"Is it dark in there still?" I asked bluntly. Komui didn't seem fazed by the question and nodded, so I got up and followed him, but Kanda turned to leave as soon as we were out of the hospital wing.

"Kanda! You have to come too!" Komui whined, "If Shiyuki-chan tries to escape I won't be able to keep her here!"

_Damn._I thought at the exact same time Kanda muttered it. So long as Kanda was around, I wouldn't be able to get away, no one else knew the way my mind worked, but I guess that's why Komui paired us up. It only took a few minutes to get to the elevator that would take us down to see Hevlaska. She had a habit of scaring people, but when I first met her, I only smiled and said hello. That might have been because I was seven and didn't know any better, but it meant a lot to her. Maybe she would help me escape? Not likely, she couldn't move outside of the Tower.

When we got to where Hevlaska was, she appeared in all her glowing whiteness, "Saya, it's been a while…" Like always her voice sounded saddened, but that might just be how all exorcists over a few centuries old sound, I wouldn't know. I nodded to her and she reached out with her glowing white tentacles, lifting me in the air, "_Two Percent, twenty-three percent, forty-seven percent, eighty-six percent, ninety-two percent._" She set me down just as carefully as she had picked me up, "Your maximum synchro-ratio is ninety-two percent."

"Hmmm," Komui mumbled, looking at his clipboard, "that means it has increased thirty-one percent in the last five years. How often did you fight Akuma?"

I shrugged, "When they found me. Maybe twenty in the last two years, at most I've taken out one hundred since I left."

"That's strange."

"Can I leave now?"

"Ye-NO!"

I tried, though it certainly wouldn't be the last time I tried to make an escape through getting permission. I wasn't the type to sit back and let it happen, but I might have to make due with a long, drawn out plan that included getting away from Kanda, that would mean gaining the trust of the Order before fleeing. I didn't want to do it that way; I didn't want to betray anyone, but I would make sure my stay at the Order was only temporary.

* * *

**A/N:**

Why not two chapters at once?

Besides, I'm really enjoying writing this story =33

Review please or the Earl will eat you 3

I tried putting an actual heart but it seems that the site doesn't like hearts.

**A/N #2:** 5:30 PM 5/29/2011

Just edited out some typos again =w= There won't be any REAL changes until later on, so for the most part, just typos are being removed and a few sentences restructured.


	3. Chapter 3: Misconceptions

I really hated whoever it was that wrote the report about my Innocence. Komui knew almost everything they had five years ago and a little more. What really irked me though, was that Komui wasn't a stupid as he let on, he had already given me a room, right next to my sitter and they had effectively re-bricked my window, leaving only a few strategically thin gaps for air flow. Great… If I hadn't already known from experience that I couldn't break through the stone walls of the Order and still manage to get away, I would have tried, but I was already tired and didn't feel like exerting myself further.

As soon as I had been shown my room, I had entered and locked the door behind me. Now I lay upon the bed; that was much more comfortable than I remembered it being; lost in thought. Even from the little that I had seen so far, the Black Order had changed significantly, but the basics were still the same. I was still here against my will, I would still be sent to fight against the Akuma and the Millennium Earl; I would still get hurt. The Order itself was still bleak and bland, boring and empty. In all honesty the only people that I knew from five years ago were Kanda, Lenalee, the Head Nurse and Jerry the cook. Everyone else seemed to be new, or perhaps all the people I actually knew were out on missions.

The people hadn't changed too much, Lenalee had, but that was really it. Before, when I saw her, her eyes were empty and void of all emotion. Her wrists were generally bandaged and she was tied to a bed, to keep her from hurting herself again. I remembered her telling me once that she had been taken away from her brother after their parents died. Back then she had been quiet and empty, she hated the Order as much as I did, if not more, but now she was reunited with her brother (though I'm not sure why she even wanted to be, that man is crazy!) and was smiling and happy. She walked around freely, for the most part, making friends and probably going on missions. She actually seemed to like it here. Her brother must have been a huge influence on her, but most people would never find someone that influential, I knew I sure as hell wouldn't. The most influential people I knew were Kanda, who I was still pissed at, and Cross, who I'd gotten the idea to run away from. Go figure that I was pissed at one and didn't like the other. So much for making this place better in my opinion.

Kanda had changed a bit too, I mean, when we were kids he was still cold hearted and short tempered, but if I had gotten hurt he would start to freak out, yelling at me and such before dragging me off to my second room; the infirmary. There he used to sit by the bed and berate me for being stupid enough to get hurt, even if it was something as stupid as bumping into a door and getting a bump on my head. They used to be considered mortal wounds. Now it seemed that I could be writhing in pain on the floor and his reaction would be to knock me out and handcuff me to a chair. His reaction to bleeding was now to knock me out and get me numbed by the Head Nurse and then leave. What kind of friend was that! That was just it, he probably didn't consider me a friend anymore, after being gone for five years, I don't think I would have considered me a friend either. From what I knew, they had no idea where I was for the first two years of my escape, I simply moved around too much, I would only stay in one place for a week at most, but after the first two years I got lazy. I had figured that since they hadn't sent anyone after me then they wouldn't send anyone after me for a while. When they found me, I was still easily able to chase off the Finders…

I wondered if they did anything to Kanda after I left. We had been best friends, close as anyone could get with either of us and when I left, it just seemed logical that they would think he knew everything about my escape, where I would go, what I would do, everything. I really hoped they hadn't tried to torture the answers out of him… I had made him promise not to tell anyone anything and Kanda never broke a promise. That must have been why they finally sent him after me, with Lenalee and Allen, just in case I somehow, magically, convinced him to leave the Order too. He seemed a little meaner now than he was back then, sure Kanda had never been nice outright, but he could be caring, though he tried to sound as mean as possible while being caring. He was so strange.

I sighed and continued to stare at the ceiling, it was only about noon, I don't know how long I had been unconscious, but I hoped it had been through the night, that would mean I was better rested than I felt. Instead of finding out, I closed my eyes and finally drifted into the comfortable, relaxing sleep I had been yearning for since before Cross showed in my house. Hopefully nothing strangely horrifying would wake me up for a while, at least until nightfall.

* * *

_I had a dream. My mother was smiling down at me, her appearance exactly like that in the photograph my father had of her from all those years ago, when they were still young, before I was born. She was stroking my hair as she spoke to me about something. I couldn't hear her voice, but after a few moments of talking to her, I stood and walked out the door. A short time later I was wearing what looked like the uniform of a police officer, complete with all the equipment. I grinned back at my parents as I walked down a sleepy looking street, like I was heading off to work for the day._

_ Down another, more crowded street, I saw a billboard with Lenalee on it, smiling and modeling what looked like a new brand of clothing. As I passed an electronics store I saw Jerry on fifteen T.V.s, cooking something on his own cooking show. A little ways down the street and I swear I saw the Head Nurse dragging some half dead patient back into the hospital. That was odd. On the same street was the police station, apparently I did work there._

_ After I had sat down at my desk, Allen came over and slapped a fat stack of paper on my desk, telling me to look through them, just so I would know who I had to arrest on sight. It was odd, but I did so anyway, flipping through pages. General Marian Cross was a wanted sex offender; wanted by twenty countries and for some reason I wasn't surprised. Komui was a terrorist, his robots had destroyed pyramids, the Eiffel Tower, Big Ben and half the Taj Maha., Lavi was wanted for disturbing the peace and it continued on for a while, faces of people I knew from everyday life were listed in this large document as wanted felons for some ridiculous crime or another._

_ Finally I flipped to the last page and a picture of Kanda glared up at me. I was surprised to say the least, why would he of all people be a wanted felon? I read the file carefully, noting that no country actually wanted to jail him, he was wanted for questioning regarding numerous cold cases. Yuu Kanda was listed as a dangerous, sword wielding vigilante._

* * *

I woke up laughing, I really did. It was like the dream was about what life would be like had there been no Earl, no Innocence, no Akuma. I couldn't really see myself as a cop, at least not consciously, but I suppose on some subconscious level I wanted to enforce my own law and protect freedom everywhere. I could understand Lenalee being a top model; it seemed likely with her looks. If Jerry wasn't a professional cook I don't think he would have been able to live with himself and the Head Nurse was just that, I mean I'd never even learned her actual name, she'd just always been Head Nurse, for as long as I can remember.

Cross probably _was_ a wanted sex offender and from what Lenalee had told me about her brother's robotic affairs, being a terrorist, though probably accidental, seemed rather fitting. I didn't know Lavi well enough to decide if his depiction was accurate enough and the same for Allen. It was Kanda's that made me laugh though; I couldn't imagine him as a defender of justice, fighting for the weak while never saying a word and using his anger at evil doers as the source of his power! It was like reading a funny American comic.

There was a quick rapping on my door and then it opened without my consent. Kanda stood there, looking at me as I sat up, well glaring more like, but the moment I saw his face I dissolved into a fit of hysterical giggles, as though 'Justice Defending Vigilante' had been printed on the air above his head. He growled angrily, "If you are picturing me in a dress _again_-" but he never finished, I started laughing even harder. Now in my mind was the image of Kanda: The Dress Wearing, Sword Wielding, Justice Defending Vigilante. He brought this upon himself, at least in part. I never would have thought of him in a dress if he hadn't brought it up.

While I was laughing, Lenalee had approached and looked from Kanda, to me. It must have been odd, Kanda was just as stoic as always and I was having a hysterical fit on the floor because I'd fallen off the bed from laughing way too hard, "Kanda, what's taking so lo—Saya? Why are you on the floor?" I could stop laughing, it was too funny and so with a sigh, Lenalee came into my room and closed the door, telling Kanda to wait outside. He made his little annoyed sound, but didn't walk away, from what I could hear over my own laughter.

After a few more minutes I finally calmed down enough to explain my dream to Lenalee, she laughed a bit too, but soon we were both dying of laughter; I had told her what Kanda had said upon seeing me laughing. Finally there was a loud banging on the door and we both stood and opened it only to be faced with a very angry Kanda, "Hurry up. I don't have time for this."

"Neither do I, for that matter," I replied, casting him a glare that only had half the anger in it now that was at least slightly rested. I was still ridiculously tired, but I would have plenty of time, it wasn't like they were going to let Kanda let me out of his sight for a while, "I should be busily working on my escape plan." Lenalee laughed slightly, thinking I was just being conversational, but she didn't know me like Kanda did, he sent me a glare that said he wasn't going to let me leave anytime soon. He knew I was honest to a fault and that I would say exactly what I was thinking, especially if it was the kind of thing that made people think the opposite of what I said. Kanda knew that if I said I would be working on an escape plan, then I would soon be working on one.

Lenalee however, continued to smile and walk beside me, as though she had to follow Kanda as well. I thought about turning around and making a run for it right then, but Kanda was probably faster than me now. I had always been faster than him as a kid, but he'd caught me how many times in the last… however many days it had been? I knew Kanda well, well enough to know how well he knew me. If I decided to bolt right now, not only would I have trouble getting out, but he would likely be able to reach behind him and catch the back of my shirt and just carry me to wherever it was we were going.

Good question, "Where are we going anyway?"

"To the cafeteria," Lenalee replied brightly, "Jerry missed you and wanted to make sure you eat something before he goes to bed."

I began to wonder if I could ask the wonderful cook to make me a couple of six course meals so that I would be able to get through the entire night without my stomach turning traitor and trying to eat my insides. If Jerry really loved me he would, actually, he would even if he didn't love me, he just loved cooking that much. Sure enough, when we got to the cafeteria, Jerry already had a few extra large dishes done. "Hey Jerry!" I grinned upon entering the view of his little hole. It wasn't really a hole and it wasn't really little, but I just liked calling it that.

The slightly feminine cook whirled around with a huge smile on his face, "Saya-chan! Oh, I missed you and your tummy!" if anyone could miss someone's stomach, it was definitely Jerry, "But you're back! What do you want? I've made a few things to tide you over while I cook!"

"I warn you, my stomach has grown in the last five years." I smiled, this was probably the only good thing about the Order, Jerry was not only a wonderful cook, he loved cooking so much that no matter how much you asked him for, he would make it and want you to ask him for more. I really missed Jerry and his food and well everything about the motherly cook, aside from Kanda he might have been my best friend in all of the Black Order. I guess it had to even out, stoic and unhappy Kanda and happy and outgoing Jerry. I really did make the strangest friends.

"Just ask for anything! Anything at all!"

"You asked for it." I took a deep breath and began my list, "A large pizza with everything on it, double cheeseburger no mayo, three carne asada burritos, macaroni and cheese, a large bowl of miso soup, tempura shrimp, soba, takoyaki, spaghetti with large meatballs, thirty-four taquitos, one taco, French fries with grilled onions, a whole cantaloupe if you have one, Caesar salad with extra dressing, six grilled cheese sandwiches, eighteen siopao, tekkadon, sukiyaki and how about a large side of rice. That should be enough for a few hours. Would you mind making that three times?"

"Three times?" the cook asked, with an incredulous look, "I would love for you and Allen to have an eating contest…"

"It's not all for now, I can't sleep at night. I'm a hard core insomniac it seems. I need something to eat later, when everyone else has gone to bed," I explained as simply as I could. I didn't want to go into all the detail about how my Innocence was at fault for my lack of nighttime sleep. It really was quite literally impossible for me to sleep at night, when my power was at its strongest, I had to be awake to fully control it anyway.

Jerry simply nodded happily and got to cooking, chatting happily while I sat at the closest table and ate what he had already cooked. There wasn't much I didn't like, or more accurately, there wasn't much I wouldn't eat. I could eat just about anything, some of the time I didn't even pause to chew let alone taste what I was eating. "When I run away again, I'm taking you with me, Jerry!" I told him between mouthfuls of deliciousness. The cook and Lenalee smiled and laughed a little bit while Kanda proceeded to glare at me again. He really did know me too well.

* * *

About an hour after I had returned to my room, I couldn't stand being in there anymore. There was hardly any window to see out of, there was nothing to do, the room was probably emptier than Kanda's and that was saying something. So, I walked out of my room, locked the door behind me and knocked on Kanda's door. I couldn't run away until I finished Jerry's food anyway, I hated wasting food. Kanda's angry face greeted me when he finally opened the door. He didn't look like he just woke up, but I could tell; mostly because his hair was down and he wasn't wearing a shirt. I stepped inside without asking permission and sat on his windowsill, looking through his window.

"What are you doing."

"I can't see much through my window," I replied, "let alone sit in my nonexistent windowsill. So I'm stealing yours." He didn't say anything else for a while and I continued to stare outside, wishing for the freedom I had just lost, but at the same time, I didn't want to leave behind Kanda and Lenalee and Jerry, they were my friends and I didn't want to be separated from them, but what was more important, friendship or freedom?

"I don't know what's so interesting about looking through a window." Kanda grumbled unhappily, sitting down on his bed and glaring at me. It wasn't a full on glare, not like the ones he gave to other people. I was special, when Kanda glared at me, he didn't glare with hateful and murderous intent, he just glared for the sake of glaring.

I couldn't help but smile at his words, he wouldn't know, Kanda had never tasted freedom like I had. He wouldn't know, "You know what I see?"

"Darkness."

"I see an endless sky, the symbol for freedom. I see life and love in the sky, whether it be the night sky or the blue sky. I see possibilities for the future, you know?"

"No."

"_Ne_, Kanda. How come you didn't leave with me five years ago?"

"I refuse to run away. It's cowardly."

"So I'm a coward?"

"No." he paused, like he was trying to think of how to word what he wanted to say, "You fought for what you wanted. You wanted to leave and you did. That's not cowardly."

"Why didn't you want freedom?"

"There's nothing for me outside the Black Order."

"You're saying you can do nothing but kill Akuma and fight?" he didn't respond, but I took his silence as a yes, it usually meant he would have nodded his head if I'd been looking at him, but I wasn't, so he made do with silence. Suddenly the image of him as a justice defending vigilante wasn't so funny, it actually kind of suited him in a way.

"Don't even think about jumping from there."

I smirked slightly, still staring at the half moon and night sky. "Even with the help of my Innocence I don't think I could survive a three hundred twenty-six and a half foot fall _and_ get away from you."

"You know how far it is to the ground?"

"Since a few years ago, yeah."

"You're an idiot."

"That means a lot coming from you."

"Che, _urusai._"

"_Iie, BaKanda._"

"_Oi!_"

I stuck my tongue out at him and hopped off the windowsill, "You were a lot nicer five years ago." He didn't say anything, just continued with his meaningless glares, "To me at least."

"Che."

A lot of people have this misconception of Kanda. He can be an ass, I'll be the first to admit it, but while he says he doesn't give a damn about anyone, I know he actually values life. He might say he doesn't care and might 'che' at everyone, but when it all comes down to it, he would put his own life at risk to save someone. Kanda just doesn't want people to know that because they might go put themselves in danger just to see if he actually would save them. He thinks like that because I did that to him. Oh, and in case anyone's wondering, it's not worth it, listening to him yell for the next three weeks was not worth it at all!

He _can_ be a nice guy, he just doesn't _want_ to be.

* * *

**A/N: **Updated xD

I'll try to update often for the next two weeks because after that I'm going to get pretty busy.

Review please, they inspire me x3

**A/N #2:** Again, just typos =w=


	4. Chapter 4: Innocence

Komui smiled back at me, as though nothing were wrong, as though nothing seemed out of place. Kanda simply continued his usual glaring and the rest of the Science Department was as unhappy and overworked as any other day; it hadn't been that bad five years ago, but the previous supervisor had been a serious ass. Apparently my blank stare didn't translate into Komui vision because he pushed a folder and an exorcist's uniform at me before motioning us toward the door.

As soon as Kanda and I were outside Komui's dump—office—I looked over at the eternally unhappy young man with me and asked, "I've been here for a day and he wants to send me off on a mission? He does know who I am right? He read my file? A mission is how I ran off last time." Kanda shrugged and continued walking. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!" Kanda turned, hand on Mugen's hilt, looking for something to kill apparently, but instead he was faced with me, holding up a tiny black skirt. His eye twitched but I wasn't sure if it was at the skirt, me, or an image of me in the bloody skirt. I turned on my heel and stormed back into Komui's office and threw the tiny feminine garment at his head, "You are _DEAD_ if you think I'm going to wear that rag!"

On a normal day, Komui would have looked absolutely hilarious with a skirt hanging from his beret, but not today. When I was angry at someone I didn't know well enough to consider friend, I was about as cruel as Kanda, with one exception, Kanda only threatened, I acted without the threat. In less than two seconds I had activated my Innocence and dark tendrils of shadows were around the insane one's neck, tightening slowly. Komui wouldn't have had a chance if Kanda hadn't decided to intervene at that moment, "Saya. Stop." He placed his hand on my shoulder and jerked it back, startling me enough that I deactivated my Innocence to glare at him as well. "Just wear the shirt."

"Oh, Shiyuki-chan doesn't like skirts?" Komui asked, acting as if I hadn't just tried to kill him. I suspected plenty of exorcists had tried. I continued to glare at the insane man and he decided to change the subject, "So that's _Yami no Tamashii_*"

Muttering under my breath about how I was going to destroy Komui, I left the room, not bothering to check if Kanda was with me or not, he probably was so it didn't matter. I was relatively offended, it wasn't the fact that it was a skirt so much as it was a _short_ skirt and I was supposed to _fight_ in it. It just screamed sexual harassment to me and I was not going to put up with it. I would wear skirts on those days where I wasn't about to go jumping from rooftop to rooftop, or on a day where I wasn't going to have to kick the crap out of something, but seriously? Something was wrong with Lenalee… I hoped she wore shorts underneath that thing.

Kanda glanced over at me when were on the boat, but I wasn't in a good mood so I snapped at him, "What?" the finder with us looked like he was going to jump off the boat. Apparently no one else snapped at Kanda. The stoic young man was unfazed though and his response to my snapping at him was blinking once while still remaining angry-looking.

It's amazing how he can do that, I don't have that much control over my facial muscles, for a moment my easily distracted mind wondered if Kanda had firm cheeks from facial exercises, but I realized if I said it, the beginning of what I said could be horridly misconstrued and kept my mouth shut, about that anyway. Kanda, oblivious to my mental ramblings, answered my snappy question in his normal slightly bored slightly angry tone, "You didn't have that much control before."

"My synchro-ratio has risen by thirty-one percent, it's no wonder my control rose with it." I replied sarcastically before glaring at the dark walls that surrounded us on our way out. My Innocence was strange, even for a Parasitic type. When I first came to the Order I spent most my time in test rooms as the scientists of the Black Order experimented on me, trying to find out more about my Innocence. Most Parasitic Innocence transforms a part of someone's body, in fact that's the definition of a Parasitic type, to change the shape or form of the host's body. Mine was a part of my body, a part of my brain, without it I would die and to get to it, I would have to be killed. For the longest time the Order was determined to believe that my Innocence was the Heart, but after extensive research, they discovered it wasn't. It's believed that the Heart, the Innocence that powers all the rest, is stronger than others and would have a strangely high synchro-ratio.

My original synchro-ratio was pathetic. When I was first brought to the Black Order at the tender age of seven, I had scored a lovely thirty-six percent. For a while it was debated whether or not they would kill me to take my Innocence and give it to a general in order to find a more suitable host. A few of the scientists were hesitant about killing a seven year old girl with nothing left in the world and Hevlaska had also argued against it, but what determined whether or not I would die was something I hadn't found out until after I left.

General Kevin Yeegar had convinced the bastard in charge of the Black Order that I was born with my Innocence for a reason and that it would develop with me; that my synchro-ratio would heighten as I grew. He was right and he was the reason I was alive. Despite my time away from the Order I had been an unofficial student of Yeegar's, he respected my hatred of the Order, understood it more than even Kanda, so he trained me while keeping it silent from the Order. That man was the closest thing to a grandfather that I'd ever had. I kind of wanted to visit the old man now that I was stuck with the Order again.

* * *

"So what's this mission about?" I asked after we'd jumped on the train, literally. We had jumped on top of the moving train and dropped in through I guess a sun roof, startling passengers and attendants alike. I loved the irony though, despite our obviously illegal entrance of the train, we still had reservations.

Kanda looked up at me, a little more annoyed than usual and said, "Read the information in the folder."

"I would," I replied with a smile, "but Komui thought it would be entertaining to give me a single sheet of paper that says, 'Ask Kanda.'" My stoic friend's eye twitched as he growled unhappily about destroying Komui and everyone else in the Science Department. "So?" I prodded him, "What's the mission?"

"We're going to France." He paused and glared at me as I frowned, I had never actually been to France, but I'd heard things from the exorcists that had. In all honesty, after learning about Joan D'Arc and how she was killed for doing good things, I really didn't want to go there, especially not as an Exorcist with obviously inhuman powers. No normal person could call upon the essence of Darkness itself and use it to do their bidding, I was special. Kanda continued when I was done making annoyed faces at him. "It seems there's a house there that has been disappearing and reappearing for over half a century." I really was special, Kanda didn't read to anyone else. "It reappeared recently, but all the Finders that have gone in, haven't come out and there have been reports of disappearances for at least the last forty years."

"And they think the Innocence is making the house disappear and taking the people with it?" he nodded slightly, reading over the finer details that he had probably decided were too troublesome to read to me, since I wouldn't care anyway. I looked out the window for a few minutes, but the sun was beginning to rise and my eyelids were already heavy, turning back to Kanda I opened my mouth to say something, but when I noticed he was giving the paper a death glare I changed my mind. "What?" He didn't say anything, but instead thrust the paper at me angrily before going on to the next page of the file. I blinked a bit, why would he be so pissed at a paper?

When I actually read what was on the paper, I sighed, no wonder. We were to team up with Bookman and Lavi; if I remembered right, then Lavi was that annoying red head from the other day, the overly friendly one that had called us by our first names. No wonder Kanda was pissed, that guy was incredibly disrespectful and not incredibly mindful of personal boundaries. Rolling my eyes, I tossed the paper back at him, "I'm taking a nap, wake me up when the train stops."

He didn't say anything, but he would anyway, otherwise he'd have to carry me since he couldn't just leave me to sleep on the train. That was an escape waiting to happen. However, when I closed my eyes, I couldn't fall asleep. I don't know if it was the loud, continuous clacking sounds the train made as it moved along the tracks, if it was the open window directing a heavy stream of wind at my face, the way the seat moved constantly but slightly, the changing temperature as the sun continued to rise, or simply the fact that I was thinking too much to sleep, but given my ability to fall asleep anywhere I assumed I was just thinking too much.

Being brought back to the Black Order brought up a lot of old memories, some good, others bad, but the bad had always outweighed the good, to the point where I left. No one wanted to stay in a place that was debating whether or not to kill you every day. That didn't mean that I didn't cherish the good things when they happened, for example, when I first met Kanda I mistook him for a girl and he got really pissed off, but then, he mistook me for a boy so we were even. Back then I had really short hair because of all the tests the Order was doing on me, trying to get more information on the Innocence lodged in my brain, that included hair samples and well I think they tried surgery once, I don't remember. That might be why I think that though.

While I was laying there thinking, trying to fall asleep, I heard Kanda get up and leave the train car, probably to talk to the Finder. This was the perfect moment to run off, only… I would feel like I lied to and betrayed Kanda if I did. I told him I would be taking a nap and yet I wasn't, I despised lying more than I wanted my freedom, so I lay there on the train car's bench with my eyes closed, trying to drift off, but unable to. When he came back into the car, I opened my eyes slightly, "Yuu."

"You were awake?"

"I haven't fallen asleep yet."

"Why didn't you leave."

"Didn't want to feel like I lied to you."

"Che, whatever."

I smiled though, even after being gone for five years and running away when I saw him again, Kanda would still let me call him by his first name. I liked to think of it as a fair trade though, since he called me by my first name and we felt the same about honorifics and such; I'm way more lenient about it though. Finally I sat up, unable to fall asleep and asked my good stoic friend, "Can I borrow Mugen for a second or two?" He raised an eyebrow, silently asking me why. "Please? I'm going to get annoying if you don't! Just for a moment! I promise to give it back!"

It must have been because I promised that he held out one of his most prized possessions to me. Like Kanda, I didn't like breaking promises, it was like lying and I hated it. As soon as I had the sword in my lap, I unsheathed it and with one hand reached back, grabbing my long hair and holding it in a make-shift ponytail. Then I cut it off. After throwing my hair out the window and watching the long red-brown strands disappear, I wiped Mugen on my pant-leg, just to make sure there was no hair left on it.

When I handed it back to its owner, Kanda was giving me an odd look, but finally he said, "It's uneven."

I sighed, "Leave it to you to point out the faults in someone's _hair_."

"Che, it's the same length as _Moyashi's_ now."

I blinked at him, "Really? I thought I cut it shorter than that. Can I see Mugen again?"

"No."

"But-"

He glared at me again, "_Shounen._"

I frowned, glaring back, "I do not look like a boy!" He continued to glare at me, waiting for me to agree that he was right all the while knowing I never would because I didn't look like a boy. I reached up to feel my hair and frowned at Kanda, "It's not the same length as _Moyashi's!_ His is way shorter! But I suppose I can have Lenalee fix it up when we get back. Maybe that Bookman guy can do hair." Kanda glared at me again and I grinned, "The old one that I've heard about! I don't like that scarf guy. Though I guess I should give him a chance, I don't think he meant to make a horrible first impression." His glare didn't lighten up in the least, but it didn't bother me, instead I waved him off and laid back down, telling him I would be returning to the nap I wanted to take.

It was a lot easier to fall asleep that time.

* * *

When we got off the train we were greeted by the red headed guy that Kanda so endearingly called a stupid rabbit in Japanese and an old man with dark circles around his eyes. Lavi, or _Baka Usagi_ looked at me and asked what happened to my hair, but I ignored him and looked at the short old man, "Can you fix my hair?"

"I can!" the rabbit yelled, popping up next to his grandfather and grinning.

"I was asking Bookman, not _Baka Usagi._" I replied with a smile.

"I thought only Yuu-chan called me that!" he whined; but at hearing his first name, Kanda shouted at him and they got involved in well whatever the hell it's called when one guy is trying to kill the one running around and being happy about it. After watching them for a moment I looked back to Bookman and asked, "Is he insane?"

The old man shrugged and said, "Probably. It's nice to meet you, Shiyuki-san, I am the Bookman."

I smiled at him, "You can call me Saya, it's nice to meet you as well."

"How come he gets to call you by your first name!"

"Simple, he's my elder and showed respect despite the fact that I'm younger than him, therefore he deserves mine."

"What about me?"

"You assumed we were friends before introducing yourself. That's disrespectful. Not to mention annoying."

"But I'm older than you!"

"You're not an adult, you don't count as my elder. Besides, mentally you seem to be about two years old."

Lavi opened his mouth to say something else, but I was already talking to Bookman, who agreed to make my hair a bit more presentable before we returned to the Order; we both noted that Lenalee would probably kill me for cutting my hair and not that I said anything about it, I was sure everyone would agree with me when I decided the results would be disastrous if anyone knew I'd cut it with Kanda's sword.

"It's still early, let's go to the house in question." Kanda and I nodded in agreement, but Lavi was still whining about something or other, I'd begun to tune him out. Lavi reminded me of a child who wanted candy but wasn't allowed to have it, I'm not entirely sure why, but something about the way he called Kanda and I by our first names without thinking about how we'd react to it just made me think of a little kid in a candy store asking for the really big lollipop but getting a dinky little DumDum instead. The kid was just strange.

It was no surprise Kanda didn't like him much and after seeing him jump around and avoiding Mugen, I could understand why Kanda called him a stupid rabbit. Allen was called _Moyashi_ because, I think it's because he's skinny like one and has white hair, maybe. As far as I knew, Lenalee and I didn't have cruel nicknames, he rarely used our names and when he did he called us by our first names. I began to wonder if I would get a nickname if I made one up for him, but for some reason, I didn't want to call Kanda a mean name. It must be because of our incredibly long friendship brought on by arguing with each other about everything. Then again I could only think of two names to call him, "Soba" which wouldn't work because he didn't look like it, and "Ponytail" but in all honesty, I might die if I call him that.

* * *

"So… that's the house?" I asked, looking up at an old Victorian house with ancient chipping paint and time darkened windows. It looked as though it were going to fall over at any moment. Kanda didn't seem to care about how foreboding the structure looked and just walked right up to the door, opened it and stepped inside. With a small shrug, I followed him in, despite hearing Lavi shout for us to stop because it was dangerous.

There were two things that he didn't know, the first was that Kanda didn't care about danger, he fancied himself immortal even if he didn't know it. To him, facing something dangerous, no matter what it was, was a part of his job as a exorcist. At least, I hope that's what it was, before it was that Kanda just didn't care and thought he was undefeatable. Since five years had passed, I hoped that his thought process had matured with his appearance.

The second thing he didn't know was that I love dangerous things. I didn't run away from the Order thinking they wouldn't chase me and I didn't make temporary residences in random countries thinking they wouldn't send even more people once they got a lock on me. Of course, I didn't stop to think they would send Kanda after me, go figure. That didn't change the fact that I always found danger fascinating and while I don't particularly look for it, I don't do anything to lessen it. Kanda says it's stupid, but he does the same thing.

As soon as we were inside, I wanted to gag, the stench was nothing short of horrendous, there were dead animals strewn about the place, littered around gaping holes in the floor. Mold had formed over most of the walls and the wallpaper was no longer recognizable.

"It stinks!" Lavi gagged from behind me. Kanda and I took a few more steps inside, carefully avoiding the holes in the floor. I was gingerly checking each step with my foot to make sure the floor wouldn't give in and take me down with it. No one else seemed to be doing that, "Hey, what are you doing, Saya-chan."

"Don't use my first name." I muttered, "I'm checking the floor before I step on it."

"Why?"

"Her reflexes are slow."

"Thanks Kanda, you could have said it in a way that doesn't sound so pathetic. Just because my physical reflexes are weak doesn't mean _all _of them are."

Bookman chuckled slightly from somewhere to my left, "No, your verbal ones seem to be rather quick."

"Thank you."

"Well, how do you fight if you're slow?" Lavi questioned, somehow managing to appear next to me. I glared at him rather than jumping slightly, it took a lot to surprise me.

"I'm a defensive fighter. I can't get out of the way fast enough, so I use my Innocence to create a shield and block whatever attacks are heading my way." I replied, "There's a door down that hallway." Kanda looked over and followed my finger in the direction of the hallway. He got there before I did, despite the fact that I was closer and there was a huge hole in the floor separating us, "Kanda, walk in front of me, then I can step where you did and move around faster."

He didn't say anything, so I moved instead, this wasn't very fun and Lavi was still questioning me about my Innocence. When he reached the door, Kanda opened it and I noticed that despite the massive amount of grime and nastiness on the doorknob, there was nothing on his gloves. His fingerprints were on the doorknob, but there was nothing on his gloves. That was odd.

The hall was just as disgusting as the first room, though the animal carcasses had dropped to only rats and mice as opposed to the decayed cats and dogs I'd seen before. It was sad to think that they had probably wandered into the house for shelter only to have it disappear and take them with it and starve to death. No one else seemed upset by it though, not that I really expected Kanda or Bookman to give a damn about dead animals.

That's when I noticed something else was odd, "Hey, where'd the Finder go?" I had looked around and noticed that the one person who wasn't with us was the Finder that we'd brought, "Did he stay outside?"

Everyone began searching for the missing man, but I was the only one that didn't actually move; I didn't want to fall through the floor and I was unlucky enough to be the one to do so. Though if I really wanted to, I could probably have used my Innocence to solidify the shadows in the building beneath me, creating a type of floor as I walked, but I didn't because I didn't want to be tired should we have to fight anything. Unfortunately, though we didn't look long, we didn't find the Finder, the searching stopped because Kanda got annoyed. "Che, it's just a Finder."

I didn't want to agree with him, but there was no way I couldn't. I hadn't even known the man's name and I knew that if we got worked up over every Finder that died then the entire Black Order would be grieving for eternity. It was sad that we couldn't find the man and that he may have lost his life, but as it were, no one knew if he'd come inside in the first place, he could have gone off the contact the Order to let them know Kanda and I had arrived. If he had disappeared somewhere in this house, I was sure that we'd eventually find him, like we would the Innocence.

* * *

**A/N: **

It's so easy to write this o.o

It's weird...

I actually have up to chapter seven written and the whole story planned out. IN DETAIL!

Which is something I don't normally do. Usually I just roll with an idea and plan out two or three chapters ahead as I write, but with this! xD

The only problem is I have fifty million ideas for this and not all of them will work with the characters or what I have decided on. There are a few kinks in Saya's personality that I'm working out, but personally, I think she's a relatively well rounded character.

Read and Review please!

**A/N # 2:** Mostly typos were edited out again =w= I'm not changing anything really xD


	5. Chapter 5: Disgusting

The house was beyond strange; after we'd entered the hallway again we noticed there were more and more doors, each leading to empty rooms, or rooms filled with old and moldy furniture. Finally we reached the end of the first hallway only to find the remaining door led to another. After a while Bookman decided that the rooms and hallways changed with the house, hiding the rooms that were uninhabitable each time it reappeared. Our Innocence was the only reason we were able to see all the rooms without being deceived; apparently that's also why our Finder disappeared. For a really long time that was all I heard about as Lavi and Bookman; though mostly Lavi; talked about it endlessly, throwing ideas back and forth with the occasional insult followed by a swift beating.

Kanda just continued opening and closing doors and at some point, when I got sick of Lavi asking for my opinion, I started checking rooms too. The house was huge, absolutely giant, so I assumed that not only did we see the original rooms in the house, but all the ones that were fabricated by the Innocence and the ones that would be used in future times if we let it go on. It seemed like we were opening doors and glancing at rooms for an eternity, the repetitive action becoming mechanical, our gloved hands continuously marred the perfectly even layers of grime covering the doorknobs. The only differences we noted were the time periods of the furniture in the rooms. As we went in further, the furniture got older and older. It actually felt like we were going back in time, but we knew we weren't. The newest furniture seemed to be from a few decades ago, the kind someone old enough to be my grandmother might own. The oldest so ancient I couldn't accurately tell how old it was.

I was the one who finally came upon something sickening, "Uh… look at this." I had opened another boring door only to find, sitting in dilapidated chairs, three skeletal bodies. A wave of stench had hit me when I opened the door to the decay, but it wasn't nearly as disgusting as the time darkened flesh flaking off the skulls of the bodies. White bone showed through the areas around their teeth and empty eye sockets. I had enough time to notice that one was smaller than the rest; a child, and that another had long, dried out, stringy strands of hair still attached to the back of its skull, before the bile began to rise in my throat and Kanda roughly pushed me away from the door on his way in, it really did look like he just wanted me out of the way, but I figured it was just because he didn't want to have to deal with me after I threw up all over the floor. Luckily he pushed me away in time and I didn't.

Bookman entered the room with Kanda while Lavi remained in the hallway with me. "You know, you don't look so good." I didn't reply, instead I leaned against the wall, pushing the revolting images from my mind and focused on breathing alone, hoping to quell my upset stomach. The sight alone had made my insides tighten and squirm uncomfortably. My stomach was practically empty as it were, but rather than the hungered grumbling I'd come to expect, it was like my stomach was as disgusted as I was and trying to rid itself of the digestive juices and acids that remained inside as my mind tried to get rid of the image of the decaying corpses. "Hey, Saya-chan?"

"Don't call me so familiarly." I muttered, eyes still closed and breathing not quite evenly.

"Let's go."

I looked up to see Kanda walking out of the room with Bookman close behind. The old man took one look at me and began opening doors in my stead, while Lavi attempted and failed at scolding Kanda for not letting me recover from the gruesome sight. I had seen some pretty gory things in my life, but nothing had made me that sickened, nothing had been so disgusting. The corpses hadn't frightened me, but they did unsettle me, it was the death of the child that had really gotten to me though.

As time passed, it was as though it were getting darker and darker inside the house, the kind of darkness that comes with nightfall, the kind that returned power to my Innocence. Finally, when I saw Lavi yawn, I asked, "Does anyone know what time it is?"

Lave looked over at me with a raised eyebrow. "Why?"

"My Innocence is stronger at night."

Lavi got halfway through asking the same question again before Bookman slapped him upside the head. "It's the _Yami no Tamashii,_ you idiot! Soul of Darkness. When the shadows are thicker, she has more to control!" the abusive old man then turned to me and said, "It should be about nightfall."

"Cool, give me a second. I'll see if there's anything here." I closed my eyes and activated my Innocence, sending whispers of my senses into the shadows around me and sending those shadows out into the house, looking for the familiar light of Innocence. There were dark things in this house, the previous owners were all lying dead in their rooms, most of their skeletons void of flesh and fully rotted away. There were old chairs and even older furniture, the skeletal remains of furniture, a huge dresser filled with mothballs and moth corpses, a torture chamber with dried blood on the walls, and finally, just passed the torture chamber was a familiar feeling, it wasn't the same as my Innocence, but it was Innocence, they had had a similar feeling.

"It's here." I sighed, opening my eyes and looking at the three of them. "It's the farthest room back, in a wall behind what I think is an Iron Maiden."

"Iron… maiden?" Kanda asked, giving me a disbelieving look.

"Mhm." I mumbled, closing my eyes and checking again. "Seems the original owners had a torture chamber. The Innocence is embedded in the wall behind the Iron Maiden and- Oh that's disgusting."

"What?" Lavi asked in a happy yet curious tone.

"The skeleton is still in the Iron Maiden… Gross…" I shuddered once, trying not to imagine what it would feel like to be in one of those and continued, "There's a lot of other things in there too, but the Iron Maiden is the only one I can name. The door is locked but it's been weakened by time and termites. There's… crap."

"You found the toilet?" Lavi questioned with a laugh.

"No, though I'm not sure which is worse, a toilet uncleaned for decades or three level two Akuma with about ten level one minions each." After a moment I said, "The toilet's worse, I found it."

"Che, where are the Akuma."

"Heading toward the Innocence, they took a different route, probably got confused because of the changing rooms and halls. We should be able to get there first, grab the Innocence and kick their butts without much trouble."

"Then let's go."

"I'll lead the way, since I know where I'm going." I grinned, walking passed them and down the hall. I left my Innocence activated, but as we continued, I withdrew it from the shadows of the rooms we passed and from the rooms I knew we wouldn't need to go into: starting with the rooms containing dead bodies. We weren't even halfway there by the time I'd managed to pick the path to the torture chamber out and removed my Innocence from the other rooms, relieving the strain that I would have felt later.

Unfortunately, it still took a half an hour for us to finally reach the decrepit door that lead to the torture chamber, behind which I could feel the agony and hatred that had seeped into the shadows of the room, the darkness that human emotions had become, the memories that had melded with the room itself. I could feel the intangible darkness and had been since my Innocence began to get stronger within me, since I had begun to accept it as a part of me. It was how I knew where Akuma were. I could feel the Dark Matter used to create them and the deep sorrow that was left behind in their wake, but unfortunately, I could only sense them when they were in the Akuma form; something about the human flesh they wore acted as a type of shield against my Innocence.

"Is this it?" Lavi asked, looking at the filthy door in front of us.

I nodded, "Yeah, but we'd better hurry and grab the Innocence; the Akuma are moving faster now. And in this direction. It's like… they know the Innocence is here." Kanda didn't make any movement of acknowledgement to my words, but he did kick down the door relatively quickly and we all filed in. It looked just as I thought it would. Disgusting. There were bones in odd places, dried blood was still covering many of the objects, there were markings on the walls of people trying to claw their way through. It was not a pretty sight, but the skeletons were so white it was as though they weren't real and as long as I ignored the dried blood, then I wouldn't feel as sick as I had before.

The guys hadn't bothered to look around and just walked over to the Iron Maiden in the back of the room, leaning haphazardly against the wall. Kanda practically threw it to the ground and then punched the wall behind it, breaking through the old and rotting wood. A green light emanated from the hole he'd left; the Innocence. As soon as it was in Kanda's hand, he gave it to Bookman, apparently deciding it would be easier to let the old man carry it.

I rolled my eyes at his actions, but checked on the Akuma's progress again. "They're here."

"Give us… the INNOCENCE!" the scream was more than expected. Everyone had turned to face the doorway after I'd spoken, ready and waiting for the trapped souls to burst in. The first one we saw was a Level Two that looked vaguely like a walking mechanical Hammerhead Shark. Its poisonous teeth were glistening and its emotionless eyes were focused on us, particularly Bookman, the one with the Innocence.

Lavi grinned and jumped forward, the shark would be his opponent. I let out a small sigh just before the wall closest to me was shattered to pieces. Shadows formed around me, keeping any of the flying debris from hurting my body as I looked over at another Level Two, with a few Level Ones behind it. This one looked like a cheap Godzilla knockoff. "EXORCISTS! DIE!"

"Hmm, no thanks." I replied sarcastically, as another Level Two broke through the wall on the other side of the door. Most of the wall collapsed at that point, letting in all thirty Level Ones, but then I noticed something about the last Level Two and had to ask, "What the crap is _that_ supposed to be?" It had the body of a lion, with the mane of a horse and the face of a baby's doll. Arms were coming out of the sides of its head and overall it looked ridiculous, even more so now that Kanda was glaring at it because he got stuck with the retarded looking Akuma.

The Godzilla reject screamed out some nonsense and turned abruptly, its tail coming toward me at a speed I didn't think something that big would be able to manage. I threw up a shield as quickly as I could and hardened it, drawing upon the shadows in the unlit room. When the Akuma's tail made contact with my shield, I could feel that my defenses weren't quite strong enough for such a powerhouse. I felt the small crack appearing in my shield and jumped, dissipated the shield and letting its tail swing under my body. As I landed, I called the shadows forth with my Innocence again and this time they congealed into sharp spears before shooting off toward the Level Two. I scraped it, but only barely breaking through its outer shell. My Dark Spears had flown passed it and destroyed three Level Ones though, making their creation not entirely useless. As the Level Ones that weren't attacking Kanda, Lavi and Bookman began shooting at me, I summoned up another shield, their bullets were nothing compared to my Innocence.

"Give me the Innocence!" the Godzilla Akuma shrieked; it sounded rather gleeful, like it actually thought it would win, but in my experience, that was normal, all Level Twos thought they could beat an Exorcist. It's a beautiful stroke of luck when one's enemy is stupid, but for exorcists, we dealt with the stupid in massive numbers. I wanted to sigh and be done with fighting, but as it were, I could not. At least Bookman decided to use his Innocence to begin taking care of all the Level Ones, leaving the Level Twos to the rest of us.

Aku-zilla's tail came speeding towards me again and I created another shield, slowing the attack down long enough for me to jump out of the way before releasing the shield. It was learning though and a disproportionately small claw was aimed toward me. I created another shield above me, then used my arms to direct the shadows. I usually did it with just my mind, but if I used my body to direct the shadows as well they were both stronger and more accurate. A whip-like tendril of my shadows pierced the Akuma's armored left arm and then sliced through it completely. Just as I did that I heard an explosion and glanced to my right, Kanda had just destroyed his Akuma.

I wasn't one to let other's show me up, so I dissipated my shield again and created more whips, using both my arms to direct them at the Akuma before me. It blocked one with its remaining claw, but the second pierced its head through the right eye. I smirked and shielded myself from the explosion as it was destroyed. A second later and there was another one; Lavi had defeated his as well. The stupid red head was grinning happily as he put his hammer away and waved at me. "Good job, Saya-chan! Yuu-chan!"

I ignored him while Kanda started trying to kill him. Bookman was looking at the Innocence and I smiled slightly, no one was paying attention to me. I easily slipped out the door and started jogging down the hall, as soon as I turned a corner I took off at a full sprint. It only took a few minutes to get to the front of the house now that all the rooms the Innocence created were gone. I used my own Innocence to create stable flooring for me to walk on and headed straight for the door.

Kanda was already standing there.

"How did you get there so fast!" I shouted as I stopped running, but kept my Innocence activated underneath me, making it seem as though I was floating in the middle of a large hole.

"The torture chamber is connected to this room. You left before we figured that out."

"_Ozuchi Kozuchi! Shin!_"

I muttered an annoyed curse under my breath before I felt Lavi's hammer hit my back, sending me flying forward toward Kanda, who proceeded to hit me in the back of the head with Mugen. I'd never been hit in the back of the head in the middle of the night. I didn't know it would knock my body out but leave my mind awake. So it was like I was paralyzed, my eyes were open and I could see everything that was going on, but I couldn't move. Even my eye movements were sluggish.

"Wow… it really is physically impossible for her to sleep at night!" Lavi grinned, getting in my face a moment before Kanda threw me over his shoulder and started walking. Since I couldn't move, I was stuck staring at Kanda's butt for the next half an hour. I never really noticed before, but he had a pretty small butt for being such an ass. Maybe he felt the need to compensate for it?

When we reached the train, after we stopped so Bookman could contact the Order and tell them that we had the Innocence and that I tried to escape again, we got on in a normal fashion. But they had to walk all the way down the train car to get to ours. With me slung over Kanda's shoulder, we drew a lot of stares. So I did my best to talk. All that came out of my mouth were zombie-like noises that made people even more wary of Kanda. I was silently hoping one of them would call the cops.

Kanda didn't think it was funny though and simply threw me on the bench when we entered the room, glaring at me all the while. Now, if I could have made a funny face in response, I would have, but I couldn't, instead my half closed eyes stared at him blankly as I continued making the annoying sounds just because it would piss him off some more.

Lavi noticed this. "How come Yuu doesn't kill her when she makes him mad?" Kanda made a Che sound and, after shoving my feet out of the way, sat down on the bench and proceeded to glare at the wall. He was so talented. Lavi frowned, but a moment later, the look on his face brightened and his frown became a teasing smile, "Ah! Yuu! Why didn't you tell me Saya-chan was your girlfriend!" Even my annoying noises stopped. The train car became deathly silent for a moment, Lavi still grinning happily, but after a few endless minutes, he picked up on the atmosphere, "Oh? That's not it?"

No one said anything. I slowly moved my gaze to the ceiling, making shapes out of the lines and markings. It wasn't like I was going to be able to do much else for another hour or more. The silence didn't last long though, Lavi turned to me and started telling me stories. He mentioned at some point that everyone else fell asleep when he talked to them, but since I couldn't I was forced to suffer the torment that was Lavi talking about cute girls. It was horrible.

Almost an hour later, I regained feeling in my toes, so I tried to find my voice again. Moving my mouth was difficult though so I didn't and waited, pretending to listen to Lavi for another half an hour. Finally the time came when I could use my mouth again, but by then my head was pounding from Lavi's words as much as it was from Kanda hitting me, "Would you shut up." I grumbled, forcing myself into a sitting position, "I really don't care about what girls you think are cute, how you met them, or where you met them. Just stop talking."

"You're mad?"

"I have a massive headache." I growled. "Butt face over there decided to hit my head and then you decided to talk the immobile one's ears off. So shut up and give me quiet or I will hate you forever." Lavi gave me a disbelieving look, like he didn't think I would really hate someone for all eternity because they spoke to me when I had a headache.

He did stop talking though, so I was able to sit up straight and close my eyes in an attempt to alleviate the growing migraine from the pain that was the lights of the train car. When I got a headache, I was meaner than Kanda and I would hold a grudge from that time onward, but Lavi closed his mouth fast enough, so I wouldn't hate him forever, just throughout my headache. I didn't open my eyes again until something touched my forehead. Bookman was in front of me, with scissors and a needle that he had just poked me with. I blinked once in confusion and he poked my head in multiple places with a few other needles before saying, "How do you feel now?"

At first I had no idea what he was talking about, but then I realized something amazing and incredible; my headache was gone! It was wonderful! Smiling at the old man I said, "My headache is gone! Thanks!"

He nodded once and said, "Now we should cut your hair before Miss Lena kills you."

* * *

**A/N: **It's been a while since I've updated =/

That's mainly because... This is the only story that has chapters finished and I don't want to keep updating it all the time and accidentally ignore the other two.

Unfortunately, I'm having a little brain fart with those ones -heavy sigh-

Kanda: ... -glaring-

Me: Knock it off. You're the one being favored.

Kanda: Che.

xD I don't normally do the little character thing in the "Author's note" and felt like it just now =3

Anyway, please review =3 It helps xD

**A/N # 2: **There weren't many typos, but this time I did add in maybe one sentence about Saya's Innocence and why she can sense Akuma, but not all the time. When I was looking for typos I realized I hadn't explained it correctly. Sometimes I forget that just because I know it, doesn't mean I wrote it in there for you guys ._.


	6. Chapter 6: Stuck

"WHY DID YOU CUT YOUR HAIR!"

I'd never heard Lenalee scream before, in fact I'd never heard her talk louder than a whisper before I left and at a normal volume since I returned against my will, but I really wasn't expecting her to scream so loudly when she saw me sitting in Komui's office with Kanda and frowning unhappily because I was back in Komui's office. She looked more shocked than enraged though and I was certainly grateful for that. Before I could reply to her yelling, Kanda did, "She didn't want her hair to trail behind her when escaping."

How does he _know_ those things? I don't think exactly the same way I did five years ago, you'd think the separation would weaken his ties to my mentality, but nope, apparently Kanda knows me just as well as he always did. "That's kinda creepy…"

"What is?" Komui blinked at me, that ridiculous smile still on his face.

"I said that out loud?" I asked, my eyes widening. _Oops._

Kanda glared at me again, like he knew what I had been thinking. Like he knew what I _was_ thinking. This was just too creepy. I was looking for some form of escape, but Lenalee was blocking the door, an imaginary fire roaring behind her, Komui was looking at me expectantly and Kanda was being Kanda, reading my mind and not being happy about it. Well maybe he shouldn't be reading my mind. Then something lovely and horrible happened. My stomach growled. Loud, long and beastly.

"Can I go eat now?" I asked as I raised my hand like a child in the first grade. "My stomach is waging war against my mind and I think its winning!"

Komui sighed once, smiling as he did and sent me off to the kitchen, meaning I could go bug Jerry and get food for it. I practically skipped down to the cafeteria, which drew odd looks from anyone walking the hallways because I was skipping and walking next to me was an eternally unhappy samurai. When we reached the cafeteria, Jerry was overjoyed to see me and the fact that Allen was in line just in front of Kanda and I was part of that happiness. I think he was curious as to who could eat more.

Allen had just finished ordering all his food when Jerry looked at me and said, "Is there anything on his list that you want too, Saya-chan?"

"Hmmm, double the hamburgers, add another ten to the dumplings and an extra three bowls of soup, but otherwise… nah, nothing on his list." I replied with a grin.

Allen looked at me and smiled, "Welcome back, Shiyuki-chan." I nodded in his direction, but if anyone in the Order would understand how important food was, it would be Allen, so when I looked hopefully at Jerry rather than respond to him, Allen only laughed.

"Here ya go, Allen-kun! What else do you want Saya-chan?" Jerry was smiling happily, "I'll make it all!"

"I love you Jerry!" I laughed, "Okay, I want… three bowls of udon, twenty Takoyaki, Four plates of spaghetti, eighteen T-Bone steaks; rare please, a baked potato with everything on it for each of the steaks, three things of soba, hmm, make that thirty, I'm in the mood for soba. Fifteen sets of Tempura shrimp, two big chocolate cakes, four large pizzas, make one of them a veggie and another all cheese, but the other two with everything, eight bowls of beef ravioli, twenty-seven pancakes, eighteen waffles, with extra syrup, a foot long sandwich with the stuff I like on it and… hmmm…. I don't know. I get the feeling I'll be hungry after finishing all that. Feel like making me your extra special Saya dessert?"

"I was waiting for you to ask! It will be done when you finish eating, I promise!"

"Thank you Jerry! Oh, Kanda just wants soba. He's boring like that."

"_Oi!_"

"_Oi!_ What? It's true." I replied, turning to the glaring Japanese man, "And it's vengeance for calling me slow earlier."

"U-um…"

I turned to look at Allen who was standing not too far away, looking at me in frightened amazement. That was when I remembered no one else talked to Kanda the way I did. That must have been why he was glaring at me with a little more anger than usual; so Kanda didn't like it when other people knew there was someone who talk to him different than the rest of the world. There were a few hundred Finders that had stopped eating to look at me in wonderment; this was bad. So, because I was hungry and felt the need to protect Kanda's angry image, I snapped at them, "What!"

"Um… Shiyuki-san… you're being… mean to…"

"So. I'll pay for it later. My stomach is waging war against my brain and its winning!" I huffed and glared at the white haired kid, "He prefers to torture people when they're sane."

"Allen-kun! Saya-chan!" Jerry called out, "Your food is done!"

"That was fast!" my smile returned to my face as I happily juggled three hundred and forty-eight plates to an empty table and started eating happily. As it turned out, Jerry had put Kanda's soba in with mine, so after the cook told him, he sat down at my table and just took it, of course I yelled at him for stealing my food of all things, but he glared at me and told me to count my soba. Sure enough there were thirty, not including his, so I frowned and said, "Fine, I'll share, but only that one."

"It's mine anyway."

* * *

"You're creepy, Kanda. You know that?" he glared at me, but I always got the special glare, the one that didn't have murderous intent behind it, instead I got the one with just pure anger. Kanda could get angry at me, but he would eventually get over it because I didn't _usually_ try to piss him off, a lot of the times it just happened on accident. I liked apologizing about as much as Kanda liked hugging teddy bears and sucking on lollypops. Anyone who knew Kanda, Yuu, knew that he hated sweet things and showing affection with a passion unrivaled by mankind, demon-kind, or animal-kind.

"Che."

"You are!" I repeated loudly, "You read my _mind_! It's not like I _told_ you that I cut my hair so no one would see me when I ran around a corner! It's not like I _told_ you I was going to run away after completing the mission, I haven't told you anything and you know everything! That's just plain creepy."

"You haven't changed."

"I've changed a lot. Five years ago I wouldn't have given a damn about whether you could catch me or not. Five years ago I wouldn't have gotten caught in the first place. Five years ago I wasn't nocturnal; five years ago I didn't have such problems with my Innocence."

"Five years ago was five years ago."

How was it that he could just say that one simple, entirely truthful sentence and I would calm down, even if just a little? How was it that he could state the obvious and make it sound as though it were some profound truth? Why could Kanda do that? Why _did_ he do that? I almost hated how he knew me so well, almost. But someone had to, I didn't exactly do well the last five years on my own, I had no one to talk to. Kanda was really the only person who knew me for me. I showed my happy side, or my angry side to everyone else, but only Kanda really knew just how pathetic I could be. I'm not sure if he respected that I trusted him enough to show him that side of me, or if he just didn't care because he knew I would accept his pathetic side; if he had one, but I don't think he does.

"I have orders from Komui." I looked up, one russet eyebrow raised, wondering what orders he could possibly have while keeping me under house arrest, "He wants you to train with me."

"Um…. I'm not sure how that's going to work," I sighed, blinking twice and giving Kanda the most confused look I could muster, "I can bind you with your shadow."

"No Innocence."

"Well then what's he expect me to do? Stand there and let you kick the shit out of me?"

"Work on your speed and flexibility."

"No."

"Orders."

"You have them, I don't." He gave me a look, Kanda actually gave me a look, it wasn't just a glare, though it was still partially concealed by one, but Kanda seriously gave me a look that said if I didn't train then he would kick the shit out of me anyway. What a great best friend. "There will be Akuma faster than your ability to use your Innocence."

"So why am I not training with my Innocence?"

"If you can dodge without using it, you won't be exhausted as quickly."

I muttered darkly under my breath for a few minutes before giving up and letting out a dramatically heavy sigh, "I guess I should feel special, you just 'che' and kill anyone else. _Demo…_ aren't you tired? You are a day dweller after all." He raised a dark eyes brow at me questioning my word choice, "It's what I have decided to call normal people. You guys get funny names so that I don't feel like _I'm_ the odd one."

"So you can feel normal?"

"Sort of, but also so that I don't hate what my Innocence has turned me into."

* * *

Never. Don't ever do it. Never. Don't kill yourself, don't torture yourself, don't let your muscles burn for all eternity. NEVER TRAIN WITH KANDA, YUU! Orders or no. He's evil to the core. I thought since he was my best friend he would go a little easier on me, but no, that evil creature trained me to the bone. Walking was difficult now. The muscles in my thighs were burning as though inflamed and there was nothing I could do about it. So I just didn't move, "So… tired…"

"Go sleep in your own room."

"No."

"Go."

"No."

"Go." That must have been his way of asking me why I was laying on his bed refusing to let him sleep.

_"Ne,_ Yuu." He turned to look at me, not quite glaring, but with the same pointed look that could be mistaken for a glare. He always turned to me when I used his first name; I didn't use it often, usually when I wanted to say something important. He knew that, he was probably still waiting for what I had wanted to say on the train, but never did, "Why did you bring me back? Don't say it was just orders… _Onegai_." He was quiet for a while, staring at the lotus in the hourglass on his dresser, waiting for another petal to join the two already lying at the bottom, "I… missed you, you know? These last five years. I wanted to ask the Finders about you but… I figured you'd get mad at me._" _Still he said nothing, facing away from me, his eyes never straying from the pale pink flower in the hourglass. Something warm and wet rolled down my check and I lifted a tired arm, touching the strange substance and wondered silently, why was I crying? I had nothing to be sad about, "_Ne_, Yuu." He glanced back over his shoulder, one dark eye now looking at me, "Did you miss me too?"

He nodded once. That was all it took though. I smiled and pushed myself up, forcing my tired body to my feet. It would take another four hours before I could sleep, but Kanda probably needed it more right now. He was so good at bottling things up. Sometimes, I thought he was better at that then fighting the Akuma. But only sometimes. I left Kanda's room as quickly as I could manage and returned to my own, laying on my bed and staring at the ceiling, waiting for dawn to come with the promise of sleep.

During that time, I thought about a lot of things. The Order before I'd left. Some of my most vivid memories of this place were horrible, but at the same time, I'd made a few good memories with Kanda. Those mostly consisted of sitting on the floor in the garden he was tending as I talked to him. It's kind of funny how some people think Kanda is just a cruel asshole, but he listens better than anyone else in the world, he may not act like he paid attention to what a person said, but if you pay real close attention, he might just bring it up later. He does listen, he pays attention to what people say to him, whether he likes what they're saying or not. Then he'll make a retort, usually a rude one. That's why people don't like him. He just doesn't care about how other people feel. You could always get the truth about how stupid you were from Kanda. Trust me. I'm pretty stupid and I'm his best friend.

I thought about all the things I'd never told him too. I almost felt like a bad friend, all the biggest things in my life, the horrible things that had happened to me, were all things I'd never told Kanda. I never told him about the experiments on my Innocence and I, I never told him how I was brought to the Order, what happened before then, why I didn't want to be an exorcist, why I _never_ wanted to be one. I didn't want to save people. I didn't give a damn about people. But I hated the Earl just as much. There was a lot of pain in the Order for me; five years ago it wasn't a happy place at all, it really was a dark place. I wasn't the only person they'd experimented on, I knew that, but I had no way of proving it, I hadn't seen it, but I still knew. The way they had talked back then, it wasn't the first time they'd wanted to surgically remove someone's Innocence because their synchro-ratio was too low. I had gotten lucky. Very lucky.

* * *

I only got a few hours of sleep before there was a pounding at my door and angry yelling. I didn't respond, my body felt too sluggish to respond, I hadn't gotten enough sleep and I was still sore from training the day before, I didn't want to get up; I wasn't going to get up. I heard the door open only because it slammed against the wall, but I just rolled over and pulled the blankets closer, letting myself fall deeper into sleep until I heard a very angry shout, "Get up!" I mumbled incoherently and remained as asleep as I could until the blanket was torn away from me. Curling up into a ball I yawned and tried to keep myself warm as I continued to sleep, "Get up!" I didn't move, "Get up!"

"Five more minutes…" I mumbled, burying my face into my rather comfortable pillow.

My bed jolted and I didn't get my five more minutes. Instead I sat up abruptly, startled by the sudden movement of my bed. Kanda was standing there, glaring down at me angrily, "What?"

"You have to train."

"Just because you can sleep at night doesn't mean you get to barge in here after I get four hours of sleep and wake me up to go run around in circles and get beat up by you!" Then I realized I was in my pajamas and he'd taken my blanket away from me. My pajamas consisted of a spaghetti strap tank top that just barely covered the essentials and really short shorts, after you spend some time down south, you constantly worry about overheating yourself in the middle of the night. "GET OUT YOU PERVERT!" I activated my Innocence and used the shadows in the room to push Kanda out the door and swing it shut. It was only after I did that, that I realized I might have screamed loud enough for the entire Order to hear, meaning Kanda might be in really big trouble. I sighed, that meant I would have to wear less comfortable pajamas, this probably wouldn't be the last time Kanda came barging in to wake me up.

It took a few minutes for me to get up and dressed, but I eventually did and when I exited my room, clad in a red tee, black uniform pants, and one arm shrugging into my Exorcists coat, Kanda glared at me, "Che."

"You really shouldn't just walk into a girl's room like that. I'm telling Lenalee." I frowned, ignoring his glare.

"You should have woken up sooner."

"Oh? So now it's my fault that I can't sleep at night?"

"That's not—"

"That's very much what you were saying."

"What was Kanda saying?" Taking my gaze from Kanda's glaring eyes, I looked in front of me to see Lenalee, in all her pig tailed glory. She looked interested and confused at the same time and was carrying a clipboard.

"LENA-CHAN! Kanda's a pervert!" she looked even more confused, "He came into my room while I was sleeping and took my blanket away from me!"

Her purple eyes widened for a moment then narrowed and she stomped over and hit Kanda on top of the head with the clipboard, "Kanda! What were you doing!"

"I was waking her up."

"Bull, you were torturing me."

"Kanda! Don't just go into her room!" Lenalee was glaring at Kanda now, but Lenalee's angry glare wasn't nearly as bad as Kanda's normal glare. I kind of wondered what he would look like if he wasn't so pissed off all the time.

"Che." Well, someone's che was a little unhappier than normal. I grinned and poked his side, only to have him turn his glare on me, "What."

"I'm hungry."

If anything, I could always get away with getting Kanda in trouble, though I figured he was going to be a lot meaner to me during training now. Especially since Komui wasn't going to be sending him on any missions while I was still likely to run off. Kanda probably thought he'd never go on a mission again. This was not going to be good. He probably wasn't.

* * *

**A/N: ***~* I can't even begin to describe how much fun I had with this chapter xDD

Thanks Soulless Ghosty, for confusing me o-o

I wanted to reply to your last review but I couldn't ;-; Why do that to me?

**A/N # 2:** Typos! There weren't really that many though ._.


	7. Chapter 7: Training

My back hit the wall hard and I felt blood in my mouth as I slid down, my feet collapsing under me, my knees made stinging contact with the floor as it sped toward my face. "Fight back!" I hit the ground, exhausted, sore and in pain. I wanted to close my eyes and fall asleep, to let the sleepy darkness overtake me and drag me into dreams of food and freedom. All my energy was drained, the little bit that I actually had, my brain wanted me to give up, my body didn't want to cooperate, my personality… that was the only thing that forced me to stir again, my personality, that stupid, determined, unyielding part of me that always refused to give up had commanded my brain and body to obey, to stand though unsteady and face the young man in front of me, to match his dark glare with my own. It just wasn't in me to fall to the ground and stay there; I hated losing too much to let him beat me despite how every broken bit of logic that remained in my brain screamed at me, telling me there was absolutely no way I could beat Kanda in a fight. I knew it was right, whatever it was, I knew I couldn't win, but I wasn't going to just let him throw me around like a pathetic little rag doll. I wouldn't let him take his anger out on me; if he didn't want to get stuck babysitting me because I would run the moment I had the chance, then he shouldn't have brought me back in the first place.

I charged forward, fist raised, ready to punch his nose in, but he easily side stepped and tripped me, grabbing my shoulder as I fell and flipping me over before pinning me to the ground. Kanda's face was a few inches away from me, cold and hard as always. He hadn't even broken a sweat and I was having trouble breathing. "You're weak."

"Well I'm sorry I've never been a physical fighter." I grunted sarcastically, "I don't go around killing things with a sword for a living like you do."

He glared at me for a few more seconds before making that annoyed little noise he makes and walking away. He didn't go too far, but he turned his back to me and didn't spare me a second glance. I guess he was upset because of how weak I was, but I couldn't help it, I always fought with my Innocence. All I really needed physically was good stamina, especially since I had to keep the Akuma away from me most of the time. My defenses were pretty solid, why would I need to fight with my hands? I sighed and sat up as well, my feet didn't want to carry the rest of my weight, and my knees almost buckled underneath me, but somehow I managed to stand up.

"What would you do without your Innocence."

I wanted to laugh, but I didn't, "I'd die, Kanda."

He turned to glare at me, with more anger than I'd ever seen directed at me before, it was kind of scary to see him that angry at me, "You'd die? Don't give me that crap Saya!"

"I answered you seriously and honestly, Kanda." I sighed, I had never told him about that, the subject had just never come up, "My Innocence is the only reason I'm alive now, it's the only way I can continue to live." He opened his mouth to say something else, but I cut him off, "It keeps my vital organs functioning, without it I wouldn't last more than twenty minutes. It just happens to be in that really special part of my brain that keeps the motor abilities going, because the Innocence is there, the part of my brain that was _supposed_ to go there is gone." His eyes widened slightly, like he had never thought of that before, but then, why would he need to? That's just it, he wouldn't, no one else was literally kept alive by their Innocence; I got to be the only lucky one with eternal and mobile life support that didn't take double A batteries to work.

He was quiet for a few more minutes, the wide-eyed look not leaving his face until he finally took a small, silent breath, "Go rest."

"I'd rather eat." I had to give him a hard time now. Otherwise he'd think I was mad at him, but I wasn't. I was a little upset, but it wasn't Kanda's fault my Innocence was really the only thing that kept me alive. It was the thoughts about how long I would last without it that made really hungry. So I half stumbled toward Kanda, grabbed his arm and half stomped out of the training room and down the hall into the cafeteria, "Jerry! Make me everything!"

"Saya-chan! What happened?"

"Kanda has decided I need to be able to fight without my Innocence too, but he's like… a hundred times faster than me and a million times stronger."

"Kanda! You sho—"

"It's all good. He's probably right and if I don't learn it'll come back and bite me in the ass some other time; BaKanda usually _is_ right. As much as I hate that." Jerry raised one pale pink eyebrow at my now glowering face and shrugged, returning to the stove so he could do what he loved most; cooking. Kanda was simply standing next to me unhappily, mostly because he absolutely despised that nickname and I used it even less than I did his first name. The reason he wasn't yelling at me was probably because he felt bad about what he'd said earlier and I knew that because of two things, I knew Kanda better than just about anyone else; it wasn't like he'd changed much in the past five years; and Kanda's way of apologizing was not beating the crap out of someone; it was also the way he showed respect. Kanda's strange isn't he?

When we sat down to eat, I looked at Kanda's soba, "You really should eat something else once in a while. That can't have any calcium in it." Then I added under my breath, "Which would explain why you're always so irritated."

"What?" he asked darkly, lifting his glare from his soba to me.

So he heard me, "Um, nothing, nothing at all. _Itadakimasu!_" and I proceeded to dig heartily into the mountain of food around me, smiling happily as I downed everything.

"Do you even taste that before you swallow it?" someone asked from my right. I looked up, spaghetti dangling from my mouth to see the spiky haired science department chief, Reever.

"I taste and break down all two hundred seventy-six spices that Jerry uses." I replied mechanically, though it was entirely bull, I had no idea how many wonderful spices Jerry used, that's just what I told people who asked if I could taste my food. A stupid answer for a stupid question.

"Oh? Really?"

I kept forgetting that people didn't know me here anymore, "No. I do taste the food though." I continued to eat, not looking up because for some reason, when I had to explain myself, I just wasn't as happy anymore. It wasn't as much fun to joke around when people didn't get it.

"Oh, well, um, _Shichou_ wanted me to give you a Golem."

"_Iranai_!"

"Wha? Why don't you want it?"

"It's ugly."

"What kind of a reason is that?"

"The unreasonable kind. The only reasons I give." Kanda glared at me and so I felt the need to correct myself, "Fine! Unreasonable reasons are the only reasons I give to people _other_ than my best friend. Who, by the way, refuses to vocally admit that he's my best friend and would literally beat the living crap out of me should I tell him anything but the truth." I took a deep breath and glared at Kanda from across the table, "Isn't that right, best friend?"

His reply to that was short, simple and completely lacking in a point or sweetness, "Che."

"All that and I get one syllable." I sighed half heartedly, "It almost makes me want to put down my food. Almost. But not really."

Reever looked at me strangely, then glanced at Kanda who had resumed consumption of his soba, then back to me, "You mean… you're best friends with…?" he pointed at Kanda, as though he were afraid to say the name of the exorcist in question. I nodded once while half my head was inside a large soup bowl, so I missed whatever look was on Reever's face, though I assumed it would have been humorous enough to cause me to choke on my soup. He coughed a few times and got back to the point, "Lenalee expected you to say that and asked Komui to change the appearance of yours and he would do anything his sister asked of him."

I frowned, that meant Lenalee was doing what she could so that I would like it here. So that I wouldn't have any excuse to leave the second I got the chance. She wanted me to stay. I stopped eating for a second; something Kanda noticed; and stared into the little bits of stew remaining in my bowl. If I left Lenalee would be sad, but if I stayed I would feel like I was betraying myself. Maybe… if Lenalee had learned to love this place and call it home then maybe… maybe I could too, but now the question was, did I want to?

I wasn't sure if I _could_ stay in the place that had tortured me for so many years; that had given me nightmares lasting even longer. I didn't think I could fight the Akuma just because I was told to do so. The way things were going, I didn't think I'd live through Kanda's training. He is one insane Asian.

Eating was more important at the moment, so I continued to swallow chickens whole for a little while longer until all my plates and bowls were empty. Only then did I look back up at Reever as I wiped my mouth with a napkin. "Let's see it then." I could at least take a look at it. Reever opened the case he had been holding and stared blankly at the golem inside. Kanda looked at it strangely, and I just wondered what the hell was going on. "Why is there a mini Lenalee in there?"

"It's… the golem…"

"Okay… well as much as I love Lenalee, I don't want a Golem in her image, that's just… a new level of strange… Komui-san has… a sister complex… a really bad one, doesn't he?" no one said anything, so I just assumed I was right. Reever closed the case again and promised to convince Komui to make something that wasn't the spitting image of his sister and left. As soon as he was out the door, I looked at Kanda and said, "You take orders from that man?"

"Che."

"Against your will. I see."

"Yuu! Saya!"

"Don't use my first name!" Kanda and I growled in unison, it must have been all the time we'd been spending together recently.

"Double attack… whoa." The red head blanched, still smiling, but standing perfectly still, "Komui wanted to talk to you." He was looking at me and so I pointed at myself to be sure. Sure enough he nodded and I looked back at Kanda, who had just finished off his soba and stood.

"I think that means we'll find him without you." I grinned at Lavi.

"Oh, well he's in the training room, he thought you'd be there."

We were going to end up heading back there anyway. Whatever though. I cleaned up my dishes and headed over to the training room with Kanda; we were both trying to ignore Lavi a few steps ahead of us trying to tell us stories about something pointless. With a small sigh I thought that maybe he'd be easier to get along with if he weren't so… much like a rabbit? One second he was in front of us, then at Kanda's side, then mine, then jumping around behind us, between us, draping his arms over our shoulders, then dancing away when Kanda unsheathed Mugen and started shouting threats.

Keeping up with him was a hassle, he kind of reminded me of when I was younger. Which is odd because he's a year older than me. I sighed again, I wasn't going to think about it, it would be too annoying and it would make my brain hurt. I wasn't up for any brain pain after Kanda had kicked my butt earlier. I hadn't even landed a single hit.

As soon as we entered the training room, Komui walked over in a brisk, businesslike fashion; it surprised me that he could be serious at all, but what do you know, he did it. "Shiyuki-chan! I want to ask you some things about your Innocence. To make sure we have the right information."

"I'm not answering."

"PLEASE!" He whined the word, stretching it out so much that it barely sounded like what it was supposed to anymore, "The higher ups told me to do it!"

I assumed his job was on the line then. I didn't want Lenalee to lose her older brother so I sighed, "I'm not answering all of them."

"That's perfectly understandable!"

"Go ahead then."

Just before Komui began asking questions, I noticed that Lavi had left and only Kanda was still there. That was good news then, I didn't want too many people knowing too much; I just hated it when people knew things about me that I didn't specifically tell them. Komui didn't notice my surreptitious glance around the room and asked, "How old were you when you first activated your Innocence?"

"That depends. Do you mean the normal level of activation, or when I was conscious of something being different?"

"Both."

"I was born with my Innocence, it's been active all my life. I first became aware of it when I was seven and the activation level rose enough for me to be able to manipulate shadows unconsciously."

"What caused that level of activation?"

"I'm not answering that one."

"Fine, fine. You can defend others with your Innocence?" He was glancing from a piece of paper on a clipboard to me and back, one eyebrow raised.

"Not really."

"Explain?"

"I can raise shields, but I can't raise them away from myself unless I release level two. I don't like doing that though."

"Why not?"

"Why do you think? The shields are weaker the further away from me they are. If it's too far away, I'll physically feel every blow the shield takes. It's harder for me to control mentally from a distance and twice as draining."

"I see. Are there any similarities between your Innocence and Allen's?"

"Uhm, not that I know of?"

"You were both born with it. I think the two of you should try training together."

"Not happening."

"Why not?"

"The only way the fight would be fair, would be if neither of us used our Innocence. I can use his shadow against him. It's why Grumpy over there is against me using it when we're sparring. It's not fair and no one gets better at anything."

"How many levels are there?"

"Um… I know of two?"

"You know of?"

"I was told it's highly possible there are more levels and that my Synchro-ratio is total bullcrap."

"Who told you that?"

"I'm not answering that question either."

At that point, Kanda glanced over, well, glared over would be a better description of what he did, but he didn't say anything and I was probably the only one who understood that now he wanted to know who I'd talked to about my Innocence while away from the Order. He knew it was while I was gone because obviously, if someone had told me that five years ago, I would have run to thirteen year old Kanda and told him all about it. I did tell him just about everything that happened to me when I wasn't at his side, annoying him as only I could. The fact that he hadn't run me off meant he thought of me as a good friend too. Hopefully.

"Fine. How far can you attack?"

"Three hundred yards is the longest I can go."

"Can you see farther than that?"

"So long as there aren't any trees or buildings in the way. I'm not blind." I snapped, glaring at Komui unhappily, "I have perfect vision and hearing, bastard."

"You're beginning to sound like Kanda-kun!" he whined, "It's so scary!"

"Everyone sounds like Kanda when they're mad! Because Kanda is _always_ mad!" Kanda glared at me as I spoke and finally I sighed, "Do you have any more questions?"

"Oh plenty! It's just I know you won't answer them." He smiled in utter glee and skipped off, "I've got to tell Lenalee I did my work!"

I stared after the Insane One for a while before looking at Kanda, eyes still wide from the confusion that was left in Komui's wake, "What is up with him?"

"He's an idiot."

That was Kanda's answer for anything he didn't quite have an answer for, but knew he was right anyway. So he had no idea what was wrong with Komui, but he knew Komui was an idiot, so it became that Komui's being an idiot was what was up with him. Odd, but that was Kanda's logic as I knew it. Except he wouldn't have put it in so many words; his explanation for his logic would have been a simple, single 'che'.

"Alright then." I turned to look at Kanda, grinning, silently hoping he would decide I needed more training today, but he was glaring at me, "What?"

"Who told you that?"

"What? That my synchro-ratio was bullcrap?" He nodded and I sighed, "Promise not to tell anyone?" His glare hardened a little, like I shouldn't be keeping it a secret, or like he didn't like that I was keeping someone a secret from the rest of the Order, but he nodded anyway, "During the last five years, I didn't like the thought of never getting proper training. Like everyone else got. So, I went and talked to General Yeegar. He was supposed to be my teacher anyway and had no problem with my whole running away and whatnot. So, he taught me some things and told me that my synchro-ratio was probably heightened because it's in my brain. It's a part of me and through normal measurements, it would seem that I'm nearly completely synched, or that I'm not synched at all depending on how I feel about my Innocence when it's being checked. Through his estimated guess, he'd say I'm actually about eighty to eighty-five percent synched with it."

We both knew Hevlaska said my synchro-ratio was ninety-two and I'd said my abilities weren't all that great, so it would make sense that there was even more room for improvement. My personal opinion was that my Innocence was just unstable. I thought of it like this: If there was a Heart then the next most important thing would be the Brain, strong and kind of important and probably complete with a whacked synrcho-ratio. It could be that I just thought like that because my Innocence was in my brain, but there really wasn't any other understandable explanation for how strange my Innocence was, but because the Heart was ridiculously strong, supposedly, then there would have to be something to counteract that. Something that wasn't attack oriented, but defensive and that would be my Innocence. Or so I liked to think.

* * *

**A/N: **It's been a while since I updated ._.

Life is getting rather hectic and all so meh.

Anyways, I hope you guys enjoyed getting to know a little more about Saya =3

**A/N # 2: **._. Only typos. That's all I'm changing. I'm only saying it every time so that you guys know I did look for typos!


	8. Chapter 8: Gobbledygook

There was a knocking on my door, but after three weeks of the same routine, I was less than surprised when Kanda opened the door without waiting for a response. It had become routine for him to come into my room when he knew I'd be awake and glare at me for a few minutes before I would finally ask what was wrong _this_ time and he would proceed to che at me before demanding to know something about the last five years. The first time this had occurred I stared at him in awed shock, wondering just what had gone wrong in that angry brain of his, but the way he continued to glare reminded me that I really shouldn't ask what was wrong with his head.

Today however, I was getting a little fed up with the visits. He kept visiting me, so I couldn't go visit him and sit in the windowsill. It's not like I have one in my room, no I've got these retarded slits in the wall because they don't want me to escape again. My room was like a prison cell and I hated it. Kanda leaned against the door and his usual glaring began and I just finally snapped at him, "Do you want me to just tell you everything that happened in the past five years?" a single dark brow rose a fraction and he somehow managed to give me an expectant glare. Ah yes, the Many Glares of Kanda.

With a sigh I looked back at him, "Absolutely nothing of any importance happened in the last five years. I got a little training from General Yeegar and that was it. I made no friends and did nothing other than what I usually do. Eat and sleep. Happy now?" His omnipresent glare continued to bore down at me, "Of course not. You don't know what happy is." I sighed, feeling rather deflated, in my mind I imagined myself actually deflating and lying lifelessly on the floor.

I got fed up with the lack of movement and decided it would be a good time to flail about randomly, so I did, feeling like a fish out of water, but at least I moved. Kanda, however, was less than amused with my random antics, "What are you doing?"

"Flailing."

"Why?"

"Because!" I whined in the most annoying voice I could conjure up, "I'm tired of being here! Just in this room! In this building! I don't like it! It's so boring!" I sighed, once more deflated. It was just one of those days where all the not so stressful things decided to congregate and collaborate to make life horrible for absolutely no reason. The only reason I had to be unhappy was because I was in a place I didn't want to be in, but millions of people around the world were in that position; so the majority wasn't in exactly the same position, but still. I felt like a prisoner who had been framed and unjustly locked away for the rest of my life and none of my escape attemptes had been fruitful and I'd been making one at least once a week.

"Then train."

"No!" I groaned, "I'm still sore and bruised from the last time you decided I should train to alleviate my boredom. Maybe the Order should… get a game room or something. You know… something so that we can be the teenagers we actually are? I don't like being treated like a forty year old who's about to spontaneously combust because of the frustration of not being mobile for so long." His eyebrow rose again at my choice of words, "What? It's true! Everyone around here looks at me like I'm going to explode any second. Then they look at you and get this really confused look on their face because they're not sure who to fear more, the angry man with a sharp weapon, or the unpredictable one with a monster for a tummy!"

"You've… become much stranger." He almost sighed, he was still glaring, but it was almost as if Kanda had relaxed just a little, like the lazy atmosphere surrounding me had finally infected that workaholic one surrounding him.

Sticking my tongue out at him I replied, "Well thank you very much. When you don't really do anything for five years, you come up with the most random things to say, each getting the point across in some random, unpredictable and rather idiotic way, however, it should get the brain cells of those around me working enough to stimulate the brain in order to understand just what the hell my discombobulated logic is saying." It grew silent between the two of us until I finally forced myself to my sleepy feet, stumbling slightly because of the horrifying tingling sensation that rose from my toes to my thighs, "I hate that!" I almost squeaked, jumping from the suddenness of that same sensation and bouncing around the room restlessly until the feeling had subsided almost completely, "My _legs_ fell asleep. Do you know how terrible that is?" Kanda remained blank faced, as though my actions were too childish for him to even be bothered with, "It's horrible. Your legs get all tingly and feel numb except they aren't. You can feel the tingly and that's **it**. I hate it!" When he still said nothing, I gave him an annoyed look, "I'm going to go and bother people with the words which I speak. You're coming because you have to."

Kanda came with me, whether he would have if he wasn't under orders to keep me in check, I did not know, but as it was, he did come along for my attempts to alleviate boredom in a way that would not obtain me bruises or pain in any way whatsoever.

Of course the first person we would run into would be none other than… Allen Walker. Honestly I was expecting to see Lavi first, but Allen made a nice change of pace; Kanda didn't like him any more than he did Lavi so it didn't matter. He waved and said hello politely, to me; ignoring Kanda?

"Good morning Shiyuki-chan, how are you today?"

"Peachy keen, however due to less than exhausting actions my brains are about to implode from the lack of everything." Allen blinked at me, smile vanishing from his face, replaced by an almost blank confusion. Oh I would have plenty of fun with this one. He was too polite to simply walk away and if he replied they way I thought he would, then he would get the same sentence with different, but equally confusing words.

"Excuse me?"

That counted as asking me to rephrase. "My brain cells are grinding themselves to mush due to the fact that there are no facts to entertain them and that simply isn't entertaining enough! It's not like I can give them some yarn and tell them to play jump rope with it. I'm not sure how I would go about getting yarn in my head in the first place. Either way, the stifling air and watchfulness of this horrid place is keeping me from being what I am so I think I'm going to **die** from it all."

Allen actually looked at Kanda for help, but the King of Evil didn't even bother to make eye contact with the white haired boy, instead he just glared to the side, making it look as though he wouldn't be standing next to me if he didn't have to, of course he did that all the time when we were younger and he wasn't under orders to make sure I didn't run off when we were kids. It seemed that now that he was, it was just an excuse to do what he had five years ago: hang out with me all the time and look unhappy about every second of it.

"The Duke of Doom is not answering questioning looks at the moment," I said with a wave of my hand, "But I, the Duchess of Demise was badgered into being his answering machine, if you'd wait until the beep I'd be happy to record your face for future punishment."

"What?"

"Beep. Click. Done."

He just continued to stare at me in absolute befuddlement! Oh how I loved the confusion evident upon his face, the way his eyebrows knit together in thought and the tilting of the head as though a different angle would help his brain work out my words better. It might have been better if he hadn't tilted it to the right. The left was the creative side of the brain; if I remembered right, but then again, I could be wrong. I couldn't really remember what half of the brain was the creative half, so I didn't say anything out loud, because if I did and I was wrong then Kanda would be Kanda and humiliate me in front of everyone present. While that may have been one person who would not hold my fault against me, I didn't like being wrong or humiliated so I kept my mouth shut.

Of course, Allen's tilting of the head did nothing for him as I wasn't really making sense even to myself anymore, but handing out fun nicknames was something I liked to do. The boy finally sighed and said, "You're very bored today, aren't you Shiyuki-san?"

"Well it's not like there's anything I can do around here. All Angry wants to do is train and frankly I don't like being thrown around like a child's toy. I would much prefer to entertain myself with something that would be normal to one my age. Then again… what do teenagers who aren't supposed to be saving the world from a man with an overly large top hat to match his ridiculously large grin _do_ for fun?" once again Allen simply blinked at me, confused, but I couldn't blame him, he probably had no idea what teenagers did either, "Well you're ineffectual!"

"Excuse me…?"

"Well we're off!" I shouted, trying to sound vaguely like a cartoon hero, "Let us traverse Duke of Doom to the despairing insides of… the SCIENCE DEPARTMENT!" Leaving Allen standing in the corridor looking rather stupefied, I made mine and Kanda's way to the notorious science department. The only reason I made Kanda's way too was because… well he was just kind of along for the ride, rather than in it for the entertainment. So he didn't really have his own Path of Ridiculousness to walk, whereas I did. I wasn't particularly going to see Komui, since he would probably think all teenagers would idolize his sister in their free time, or Lenalee because she was in the same position as me, but perhaps the other people that worked there could point some things out. There had to be something other than massive destruction that teenagers did in their free time and it was about time I got to do something normal.

On any other boredom laced day, I would have relished confusing Allen Walker to the point of rendering his brain to mush, but in that rather one sided conversation I had reminded myself that I wanted an answer to a question. A question that Kanda would certainly be unable to answer.

Of course, upon my entry to the Science Department a few people looked up curiously, but the moment their eyes landed on my stoic companion they all went back to their work with twice the vigor. I began to wonder just what Kanda could have done to them, but then I recalled the reactions he drew from people in the hallways and simply sighed, this was just a normal person's reaction to Kanda. I wouldn't be able to get any answers with him following me around like a… stalker? No, he was too close to be a stalker and he wasn't a lost puppy… Oh damn! He followed me around like a dog owner does their overeager pet.

"Wait here. I promise I'll come back, but with you glaring at everyone like that, I don't think anyone will answer my question!" he glared at me as he always did, but otherwise leaned against the doorframe as menacingly as possible. If I was anyone else, I probably wouldn't have given him the disapproving look I gave him, but alas I was Shiyuki, Saya and thus mostly immune to the fear that Kanda strikes in the hearts of many. He wasn't that scary five years ago, just for the record, but he was still a pretty dangerous little kid, just like I was… am. I don't know anymore. With a sigh and once last don't-you-do-anything-stupid look at Kanda, I ventured farther into the confines of the Science Department, looking for anyone who seemed to be a teenager, or just a little outside of teenagerdom, or even a childish adult that didn't have a sister complex the size of the Earth itself.

When maniacal laughter sounded through the large room, maniacal laughter that was not Komui's, I decided to check it out. Anyone who could laugh like that about something in the Science Department was probably not as grown up as they appeared. A few moments later and I saw two guys heckling over a remote like thing. Curious, I walked over to them and asked, "What's that?"

The thinner of the two, who also had frizzy hair pulled tightly back into two tails at the nape of his neck, each jutting off to the opposite side, jumped and turned to look at me. I had no idea if his eyes had widened at the shock of my random appearance because they were covered by thick, swirling glasses that I couldn't even see through. He wore a black shirt complete with a skull underneath his white lab coat and stuttered, "Sh-Sh-Shiyuki-san!" I tilted my head to the left to get my hair out of my eyes, since I got the feeling that if I moved my hands the poor guy would wet himself thinking I would punch him or something, "Wh-wh-what are y-y-you doing h-here?"

"I had a question I wanted answered, think you could answer it?" The poor guy got really pale and for some reason that royally irked me, I wasn't that scary, so with I sigh I told him, "I'm not that scary. I'm not going to hurt, threaten, or do anything else to you. And if you, like other people around here, are afraid of Kanda, I left him at the door."

"O-oh," he said quietly, "Then what's your q-question?"

"What do normal teenagers do for fun?" I asked. Apparently the people around us had gotten really quiet, as though they wanted to know what question I could possibly have, and the guy's friend looked shocked as all hell, his thick lips had parted and his dark skin seemed to pale just a little, even his little tuft of hair appeared to droop slightly. That was strange, "I can't really ask anyone outside the Science Department. Most of the Finders run away and I doubt any exorcists know what fun is; of course I could just be thinking that because when I think exorcist, I think of Kanda and I think his only form of entertainment is glaring at people."

"Um, girls your age… gossip."

I waited for him to say something else, but when his mouth remained tightly shut I blinked and said, "That's it?" He nodded once, "What kind of asinine past time is _that_? They really just sit around and spread rumors, that's supposed to be _fun_? Tell me you're joking!" The googly-eyed young man shook his head slowly from left to right and back again, "But that's so _boring_!"

"Ah, they go shopping too," the darker, fatter one threw in, but a moment later looked like he regretted it. I couldn't go shopping, well I could, but I would have to go with Kanda who would tell me that I needed to know exactly what I wanted before even going into a store. It would also require significant funds and be something that I enjoyed. I liked looking around sometimes, but after a while everything just starts to look the same and I get bored.

"Some read books."

"Some paint!"

"I heard some go around singing now."

"I heard more and more are writing their own things now rather than just reading what other people wrote."

I sighed, none of those sounded remotely like fun. I enjoyed reading every now and then, but at the moment I didn't want to just sit down and read quietly, I wanted to move. "Thanks anyway."

The two of them looked up with that I thought were confused expressions and the one with the glasses spoke, "Well if you like chess, I have board. I'm Johnny, by the way! And this is Tapp."

"I'd introduce myself but… I'm pretty sure you already know who I am," I replied with a small sigh, "Though you two can drop the _san_ and just call me Shiyuki." They blinked at me, well the one did and the other just had that blank look on what you could see on his face. I winked at them with a grin on my face, "It's one step away from friendship!" Then returned to where I'd left Kanda.

He raised an eyebrow at me as I walked out of the science department, it was his way of asking two things, if I was done and by default if my question had been answered. For a moment I thought about not answering him at all, but then that would ruin the plans I had recently made, "Woe be those who are not me, for their ideas of entertainment are severely lacking in movement and joy. What's so fun about gossip anyway?" The ever stoic young man simply rolled his eyes at me and we continued on our way toward the cafeteria, "I don't know either! But after I get some of Jerry's delicious cooking, you should teach me how to do a backflip."

Kanda raised an eyebrow at me, wondering what the hell could possibly be wrong with me to ask for any form of training, especially from him, but at the moment, I had a sneaking suspicion that this would be the only way I would ever be able to move around enough. Besides, backflips could come in handy on the battlefield. General Yeegar had said so once and they might make it easier to get away from Kanda.

* * *

**A/N: **It's been a while since I updated. It wasn't that this wasn't already written or anything, but... I've been having trouble with other stories and got so distracted with them that I forgot to update this one .

Not to mention some of the family crap going on here .

Anyways, here's chapter eight. Review xD I want to know what people think of Saya having a spaz attack x3

**A/N # 2:** In case you are wondering, yes I really did edit them all in about two days =w= Along with writing the Omake and a chapter for Silence Isn't Golden among other things.


	9. Chapter 9: Um

For the first time in weeks, I was sitting in Kanda's windowsill, staring out at the night sky, taking silent, mental notes of the constellations I recognized as my best friend sat on his bed, watching me with eyes narrowed in constant annoyance. Neither of us said much. Kanda was watching me, trying to ascertain whether or not I was sane enough to stay in the windowsill. After all, I hadn't exactly been _calm_ these past few weeks. Far from it actually. I had spent a good amount of time running around the Black Order, literally bouncing off walls and doing a myriad of acrobatic movements, for the sole reason that… Kanda taught them to me. I had never really learned how to do any of the things Lenalee seemed to do on a daily basis; aside from beating people upside the head with her lethal clipboard of doom. Now that Kanda and I had both agreed on training the mess that was me (after about ten or so failed escape attempts) I had been learning quite fast. The problem wasn't that I couldn't do certain things, like fighting without my Innocence and moving out of the way quickly, it was that I just _didn't_ do them. Over the years of using my Innocence, I had become so used to it that I didn't _think_ about raising a shield, it just happened. I didn't think about attacking with my Innocence, I just did.

Kanda wanted me to rely less on what kept me alive and rely more on myself. To use my Innocence as little as possible. He had yet to answer my question as to _why_ he wanted to me stop relying on it so much, but I figured that if it was coming from Kanda, then it could only be helpful to my wellbeing. Even if I didn't like it and especially if he wouldn't go out of his way to give me a real reason. Kanda was only helpful when he could make it look like he was simply being an ass.

That being said, I still sat in his windowsill, tracing the constellations with my eyes and getting lost in the pure endlessness of it all. Most people take the sky for granted, they look up every once in a while just to kind of make sure the sky is still there, but otherwise... well… it's almost forgotten. How often is a person seen looking up at the sky, regardless of time or weather? Not often, but for me it's different. I've always been looking at the sky. Ever since I was brought to the Order the first time and not allowed to leave. Always watching it. Always loving it. Always wishing it could take me away. Everyone has something they love more than almost anything else, everyone has something precious to them that they want to stay with forever. That precious thing to me is freedom and it's something most people take for granted. People complain on a daily basis about taxes, the cost of food, the expenses of living, but not once do any of those people who have always had freedom realize just how sweet that life is. I don't pay taxes, not because I'm a minor, but because I'm a captive of the government, of the Order. I just happened to have an item and ability necessary for a specific job to be done and because of that, I was taken from a broken home and thrown into a tower of horrors.

Even though it was immeasurably better now, even though the people were friendlier, even though I had _friends_, nothing changed the fact that I was still there against my will, nothing changed the fact that I was still a prisoner. I couldn't leave. I shouldn't even be allowing myself to call anyone other than Lenalee and Kanda friends. It would only make all the more difficult to leave when I finally got my chance. That's what they wanted though, Komui had probably told everyone to try and befriend me so that I would agree to stay and wouldn't run off.

Something must have appeared on my face because Kanda stopped glaring silently enough to ask, "What is it?" Damn him and his perceptiveness! I remained silent, staring out the window. I really didn't want to talk about it at the moment, not to anyone. I didn't even want to think about it, but now that Kanda had asked, I couldn't _stop_ thinking about it. It wasn't just Kanda, Lenalee and Jerry that were here anymore. No. I couldn't guarantee that I would miss them, but I didn't really hate Allen or Lavi, or Johnny or Tapp. I didn't _hate_ Komui, I was just greatly annoyed by him. All these stupid revelations were just more proof that someone was plotting to keep me in this hellhole and brainwash me into thinking that it wasn't as bad as it actually was.

I had been so immersed in my thoughts that I hadn't even noticed Kanda had moved. He was now standing next to me; hand on my shoulder, turning me to make me look at him. _In all his shirtless glor—I am __**not**__ thinking that about my best friend._ Well that was embarrassing as all hell. Unfortunately the retarded thoughts made me reassess the physical distance between Kanda and I. It wasn't that much. I jumped, startled and then swayed unsteadily, my perch had already been pretty precarious and I felt my stomach fly upward as I lost my balance completely. My body falling backward, fear forcing my stomach higher into my throat. Something gripped my wrist and I was jerked in the other direction. Before I had fully realized the extent of what had just happened, I took notice of the result of what had happened. For some reason my head was laying on Kanda's bare chest, opposite his tattoo. One of his hands was still gripping my wrist and the other was literally wrapped around my waist. I took enough time to note rather distantly that this was probably a rather compromising position and hoped that no one would _dare_ to open Kanda's door at three in the morning.

"What the hell was that?" he growled angrily. I mean he literally growled, I could hear it very well from where my ear was on his chest, his bare chest mind you, not that he seemed to notice. "Why are you spacing out on a _windowsill_ you idiot!"

"I was… um… thinking about something." I muttered, seriously hoping he would notice that he was practically holding me and that it was a very un-Kanda-like thing to do. However, rather than him pushing me away and letting go, I could feel his eyes boring into the top of my skull in that one glare that only _I_ had ever received from Kanda. The one that somehow seemed to get across immense fury and unrivaled worry all in one go. Most people's heads would implode from the sheer amount of not-anger that Kanda was capable of putting into his glares. I, on the other hand, was different, having built up an immunity to his glaring long before.

All that being thought, no, Kanda's glares were not like some insane disease that a resistance can be built for. "About what?" he snapped.

Unfortunately, no, Kanda did not making a snapping sound when he snapped. "Something."

I guess he finally realized just what kind of position we were in since I felt him shift beneath me. Finally Kanda moved and I was going to push myself up, but instead of letting go of me, he simply flipped us over so that he was literally looming over me, long hair falling over his shoulder, but barely keeping clear of my face. _Oh great, this probably looks __**worse**__ than before._ I thought in almost annoyance. I wasn't as annoyed as I would be had it been anyone else, no, because it was Kanda I was feeling flustered, embarrassed and more than slightly vulnerable. "Tell me." He grumbled. His dark eyes just as narrowed and angry as they usually were.

"I don't want to." I replied, trying to match his annoyed tone and utterly failing; I simply sounded childish. His grip on my wrist tightened, almost painfully and he gave me another look that simply restated what he's said earlier. Why did he want to know so badly? It didn't matter, I didn't want to talk about it and pushing me wasn't going to make it happen any sooner, no matter who it was or how they were doing it. So I decided to direct my glare at the door and mutter, "I bet Lavi is going to open your door and see us and make a big deal out of what you're doing."

He glared at me for a moment, but then finally seemed to understand just how we would look to other people; translation: not good. He finally let me up and, after standing and making a ridiculously overdramatic show of brushing myself off, I said goodnight and left.

Perhaps sitting in his room, staring out the window wasn't exactly a good idea. It hadn't really occurred to me before, because I still thought of Kanda as I had five years ago, but we weren't kids anymore. Now we were young adults. Meaning we technically counted as grown-ups, which, in Kanda's case only, meant grown-up thoughts. That was kind of frightening actually. After what had just happened though, I wanted to know exactly what Kanda thought of me, sure he was my best friend, but the way he'd just acted kind of said… something else. I didn't want to jump to conclusions, but… after that…

I sighed and lay face down on my bed, hoping for dawn to come, so that I could finally sleep. Unfortunately the sun was hours away from rising, leaving me to my less than clear thoughts.

* * *

I was asleep the moment rays of sunlight rose over the horizon and my dreams were far from happy ones. It was like nightmares were running rampant in my mind, memories from before I came to the Black Order haunted me, familiar faces calling out, looking at me sadly, questioning.

_Saya, are you happy?_

I woke less than an hour later, my face wet with tears that I didn't recall letting loose. Rubbing them away furiously, I thought about what had been whispered into my ears all throughout my dreaming. Was I happy? No, I was not. I was stuck in the Order against my will and while I had made little effort to escape, I didn't like the place any more than I had five years ago. I wanted to go back—go back to what? When had I ever been happy? I wasn't happy while I was on the run, I wasn't happy the first time I was here and before that… I could hardly remember before that, but what I could remember wasn't good.

Sure, I smiled and laughed and joked around, but I was fooling myself as much as I had been fooling everyone else. I was living a lie. I didn't want that anymore. After washing my face, I opened the door to meet Kanda's unhappy glare, his hand raised to knock twice, his other hand position to open the door anyways. I frowned at him and made a weak attempt to hide behind my hair as I pushed passed and headed for the stairs. Kanda didn't seem to acknowledge my miserable features and I walked slowly, back slumped all the way to the kitchen.

My breakfast was large as always, but Jerry had seemed a little worried and I couldn't help but smile a bit when I realized there was a bit more sugar than normal in most of the food; it was Jerry's way of telling me to cheer up. I wasn't able to though. I was confused, I didn't know what Kanda thought of me anymore, I knew that I wasn't happy where I was, I knew I was miserable, I didn't know if I could be happy, I didn't know if I wanted to be and more than anything else I didn't want to sit around feeling sorry for myself, I didn't want to feel miserable, I didn't want to complain silently to myself as I ate. I wanted to be free.

"Saya." Kanda muttered after we'd left the cafeteria, "_Oi,_ don't ignore me. I—" I turned around to see what the hell was wrong with him, why he'd stopped so abruptly. I caught Kanda as he fell forward, eyes unfocused, scowl a bit more pronounced than normal. Towering behind him was a giant robot, navy and crimson, scuttling away as though it couldn't afford to be caught. I stared after it confused for a moment, but was distracted by the fact that Kanda was freaking heavy, well he seemed heavy to me anyways.

A moment later and men in lab coats were hurrying past, "_O-oi! _Reever!" I called out almost nervously. One of the coated men turned, his spiky dirty blond hair standing out, his face slightly red as he panted, trying to catch his breath. His eyes widened when he saw me holding Kanda up, "What the hell just happened?"

"Did you see a big robot?"

"Uh… yeah. It was running away after Kanda fell."

"Dammit! Komui programmed it to put certain people to sleep."

"Certain people?"

"Anyone who's destroyed or been targeted by a previous version of Komurin. Kanda broke the first one, it's going after Allen and Lavi now." I stared at him in confusion and the older male rubbed his temples in annoyance, "Komui's been making these robots, saying they'll help us with our work, but they only cause trouble. Kanda's fine, he's just asleep. It'll wear off in a few hours."

"Ah… ok. I'll just take him to his room then."

"Thanks!" he called out before turning and running after all the other guys from the science department. I really didn't think I could drag Kanda up the stairs and to his room on my own, so I activated my Innocence for the first time in what felt like forever. Weakened shadows congealed around me, lifting Kanda into the air and following me along as I headed to his room.

Luckily Kanda's door was unlocked. I carried him inside and put him on his bed and it dawned on me, this was my chance. Hurrying to my room, I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen, I wasn't going to leave without a goodbye to Kanda, even if it was only a written one.

_ Dear Kanda,_

_ I know you're going to be seriously pissed at me and Komui when you wake up. Komui because it was his robot that knocked you out and me because I'm leaving. Again. Don't look for me. Please. I don't want to come back to the Order. I know I never told you why I hate it here so much or how I got here, or a lot of things and I want to apologize. I really should have been more open with you, you've always been my best friend, the only person I felt I could trust with everything and I betrayed that trust by not telling you anything. I'm sorry._

_ If you could do one last favor for me? Tell Lenalee I said goodbye. Tell Allen, Lavi, Komui, Jerry, Johnny, Tapp and the Head Nurse the same thing. I should really say it myself, but… I don't want people knocking me out and whatnot, besides, the robot that got you is after Allen and Lavi now and I'd rather it stay away from me._

_ Goodbye,_

_ Saya_

I left the note on the table in his room and walked out the door, closing it quietly behind me. "_Sayonara, minna._"

* * *

**A/N: **Sorry it took me so long to update, but before anyone gets mad at me, I did go to the ER recently and I've been feeling rather bleh. Not to mention with Halloween coming up and trying to figure out what do for it .-.

I may be a legal adult, but I can still pass as a trick or treater and that's probably what I'll do. IN A JESTER COSTUME! Homemade of course =3

Also, thanks to one of my best friends musical expertise, we've figured out a song that is kind of like a theme song for Kanda and Saya! Theme songs make things easy to write xD

**A/N # 2:** Oh wow, I never actually said what the theme song was! "Best Friends" by Weezer~! "You're my BEEEESSSST FRIEEEEND and I LOOOOOVE YUU!" ;D


	10. Chapter 10: Escape

A new country, one that I hadn't been to before was spread out before me as I stepped off the train, stretching out my stiff muscles and breathing in the clean Swiss air. I'd asked someone at the train station to name a country and took the first train heading out to Switzerland. Sure, I'd had to wait a little while, but I figured that everyone in the Black Order would simply assume I'd taken the first train out of there, wherever it may have been headed, but no, I was thinking this time. In fact, I was determined to stray from my normal train of thought now. Normally I would try to hide in a large city, but this time I was going for a small village, a place that didn't even make it on the map.

The train didn't get there, but a carriage did and no more than twenty minutes later, I was sitting in a carriage, trying not to doze off. The sun was high in the sky and my tummy was informing me that it was about lunch time. I had ignored it throughout most of the train ride, but the sounds were getting kind of embarrassing now as an elderly couple sharing the carriage with me could hear the monster in my tummy, screaming to be let out.

At the first little gurgling noise, they laughing politely, probably thinking it was adorable that I was embarrassed by such a minor sound, but it wasn't the minor sound that caused my cheeks to turn bright pink, it was what that little gurgling sound would soon become. My stomach grew louder and louder as the ride progressed, my face redder and redder and the couple looked more and more shocked. When the carriage driver decided the horses needed a break in a small town about half way to the village, the elderly couple looked at me and said, "Would you like to come with us to get a bite to eat?"

"Oh… no, I couldn't trouble you that much." I muttered, still embarrassed that my stomach had decided to play the Hungry Symphony Number Four throughout the carriage ride. When the couple insisted I told them, "I… um… eat a lot."

"Oh, it's fine!" the woman replied, grinning, "An old friend of mine owns a restaurant around here; she'll let you eat for free! And she loves cooking besides."

"And if you feel guilty, you can always enter in their eating contest. Whoever eats the most gets their food free!" her husband chimed in.

So I followed the happy elderly couple, prepared to enter an eating contest and win. It didn't come as a surprise to me that the other people who had entered the weekly lunch time eating contest were all big, burly men who looked like they could eat quite a bit. I got a few laughs and jeers as I sat down at the end of one of the contestant tables, but I had a secret weapon, a Parasitic type Innocence that required me to eat massive amounts of food in order to keep myself going. These people didn't stand a chance against my tummy; though I almost felt like I was cheating, but I was born with the Innocence and so my appetite had been with me since the day I was born as well, meaning I wasn't cheating, sort of.

Of course, I won the eating contest with plates piled around me comically and a satisfied smile on my face. I had kept eating even after the rest of them had stopped, deciding that I would need to prove to them, once and for all, that yes, girls can eat too and occasionally we can eat more than guys four times our size; or at least I can.

By the time I was back on the carriage, I was kind of sleepy and the elderly couple smiled and asked where I was going. Turned out we were going to the same place. They even offered to let me stay with them until I could get settled and have a small place of my own. It was weird how nice some people could be.

* * *

Sally and Dom showed me around their small house and I offered to do chores in exchange for my stomach and room. They almost declined, but when I pointed out that the eating contest wasn't even a contest for me, they agreed. I would keep their house clean in exchange for food and a bed. They even understood my insomnia. I liked them.

"So, what are you doing out here, Saya?"

"Um… well I was kind of being forced into something I didn't want to do, so I took off. I didn't plan on coming to Switzerland before, so I don't think I'll be found for a while."

"They'll come looking for you?"

"They might."

"Why?"

I frowned, trying to think of the best reason to tell them. I didn't want to lie to the nice old couple, but telling them that I was an exorcist with a weapon embedded in my brain that allowed me to fight demonic weapons that would kill people with a single shot and I was running away because I didn't think people were worth saving hardly seemed like something I should tell them. Before I could think of an excuse, Sally smiled, "Ah, it has to do with a boy, doesn't it?" I looked up confused, "That was the same look my sister wore when she decided to run off and elope with a man our parents didn't approve of. You like someone don't you?"

"Um… I'm not sure."

"Love is a strange thing, don't let it get you down." Dom replied, finishing off a glass of milk, "It's getting late, we best be off to bed Sally."

"I'll clean up, you don't have to worry about it." I smiled, still confused, but at least I would be doing something to get my mind off Kan—off the Order. Sally and Dom went to bed as I cleaned up the dishes on the table; washing them by hand in the little sink, drying them and putting them away. As I wiped the table I realized that I'd been attempting to swallow a lump in my throat for the last half hour and for the last few minutes I'd been blinking back tears; what was wrong with me? My stomach ached and I wanted to go lay down, but the sun was setting and I knew I would only get a few moments of sleep before my Innocence woke me.

After sweeping the floor, taking out the trash and bathing quickly, I lay on the bed Sally and Dom had kindly given me, staring up at the ceiling. I felt sick, but nothing was wrong with me, I wasn't congested or feverish, achy or tired, but I was… sad. I should have been happy, ecstatic even. The Black Order was unlikely to find me in a no name village deep inside Switzerland, it was my chance to have a new life, to start over and forget about my Innocence, the Akuma, all of it. Then it hit me, harder than the proverbial ton of bricks. If I forgot about the Order, the Akuma, the Innocence, then I would have to forget about Kanda and Lenalee and Jerry. I would have to forget nearly ten years of my life. Five years in the Order, five years running from the Order and what else did I have? Nothing; could I build something from nothing, was I strong enough?

The sun had set, leaving me to my thoughts for the next few hours. It had taken me the better part of a week to get here, the excitement had worn off a long time ago. I wondered what Kanda had done when he'd awoke and seen my letter; had he been openly furious or had he not cared at all, had he told everyone I'd said goodbye? Was he looking for me? I hoped not; I hadn't used my own mind to flee, if I had would have gone to Korea or somewhere else particularly far from both Portugal and the Order, but I'd gone to a random country by asking a stranger to name one.

Why was I so worried about it all? I shouldn't care, I'd said my goodbyes, I'd gotten away without lying to anyone, so why? Why did I miss them? I wished I had someone to talk to, but I'd never opened up to anyone but Kanda and even then it wasn't like I'd told him all the gory details of my life. He knew me, but he didn't know everything there was to know about me. Then again, I knew him too and if I knew him as well as I thought I did, then I figured he was angry with me for leaving and that he would try to find me if he could find the time. The whole Order would be, with exorcists so low in numbers and morale, every one of us was nothing more than a tool that could be used to bolster The Order's chances against the Earl. I didn't want to be considered a thing. Not a second time.

The moment when I'd nearly fell from the window played through my mind, when Kanda kept me from plummeting to my death and held me as he demanded to know what was on my mind. I had refused to tell him I didn't want to care about any more people, but it was too late. While I missed Kanda the most, I couldn't help but feel everything was too quiet without Lavi talking someone's ear off, or Komui shouting something about his love for Lenalee. Nothing was as filling as Jerry's cooking. Lenalee was my only female friend and Allen the only person capable of competing with my stomach. Jonny and Tapp had attempted to befriend me, I even missed Reever. What was wrong with me? I hadn't known most of them long enough to grow attached at yet here I was, the only person more anti-social than Kanda and I missed people I barely knew.

I almost wanted to go back, but the thought of Kanda trying to force me to tell him what I'd hidden from him all these years and the thoughts of being used, erased the idea from my mind. I didn't want to relive the past, not even for Kanda.

* * *

Sally had me running about the town, running errands for her and introducing myself to everyone. The people were nice and apparently Sally or Dom had found the time to inform them all of my appetite. A few offered me some fruit or bread and by the time I returned to Sally's and Dom's house, my arms were full of food. The moment I set foot in the house, Sally sat me down, giving me a serious look.

"Saya, are you happy here?" she asked, time worn voice attempting to keep a neutral tone. There was that question again. Was I happy? I paused, mulling it over, staring at all the grooves in the wooden table as I thought. Apparently my silence was enough, "What makes you happy Saya? What do you want to protect? What makes you comfortable? What makes you feel safe and wanted?"

Kanda's face popped into my head almost immediately and I turned my head to glare at the floor, trying to hide the blood rushing to my cheeks. Why was I seeing his face now? I'd left the Order behind hadn't I? I'd left him behind with it, along with Lenalee, Jerry, the Head Nurse, Allen, Lavi, Jonny, Tapp, Reever and Komui. I'd made the decision and told myself to forget and yet… why? Why was I crying? Why couldn't I let them go?

Sally smiled as she stood and kneeled down beside me, "A girl your age needs friends and family. Dom and I would love to provide you with that, we really would, but your heart is elsewhere. You should follow it, it always knows what's best. Trust me, I followed mine and it led me to Dom. Your heart always knows. There's something you must do, isn't there, someone you must see? Don't torture yourself like this, Saya." She wrapped her frail and wrinkled arms around me in a warm and loving embrace. I hadn't been hugged in eleven years. I couldn't remember what it felt like, but Sally was hugging me, whispering in my ear, telling me everything would be alright, that I needed to let my heart decide, that it would take me where I needed to be.

I closed my eyes, letting the tears flow freely, not bothering to stop them, or attempt to understand them, I just closed my eyes and tried to think, but it was hard, I hadn't slept since the previous day, "I… I can't go back Sally. I can't."

"Shh, your mind can't govern your heart. Listen to an old woman, we've seen much and know more."

"I can't."

"Do you really feel that way?"

I woke with my head on a pillow, but that didn't help with the uncomfortable knots in my body from sleeping in a wooden chair and bent over the kitchen table. My head was a little clearer now and while I felt like I seriously needed to wash my face, I knew what I had to do. I'd always hated the Black Order for what it was before, what it was five years ago, but in my short time there, I had noticed the changes, everyone had seemed happier; including Kanda. I couldn't fear change forever. I had to grow up too; it was just taking me a little longer than everyone else.

I could go back, but the question was did I want to? I had just managed to escape through the window of opportunity, was I really going to put all that work to waste? All that waiting? Was I really going to go back and let them tell me that I had to fight for people I didn't give a damn about, fight against things that could kill me under the right circumstances? Was I really going to let them lock me up again, or let them do those ridiculous experiments again? Screw that.

_"—__The experiments have stopped; they only have mechanical ones now, creating robots and stuff—"_

Lenalee's words from the train reminded me that half my reasons for not going back were wrong. If the experiments had really stopped then my only reasons for not returning were… well there was only one. I didn't want to be a tool; I didn't want to be used until I broke.

_I sound like a whiny bitch,_ I thought to myself, frowning. Was I only capable of feeling sorry for myself and thinking about what I didn't want?

I wasn't going back.

What reasons did I have to go back? Kanda was there. Lenalee was there. People who actually gave a damn about my well being. Jerry and his food. It was the only place in the world to be safe from Cross.

Damn. I guess I was going back.

And I just escaped.

I heaved a heavy sigh, pushing myself to my feet, feeling very, very eccentric.

* * *

**A/N: **Well here's chapter 10! It took a while to get it up =/

I've been a little distracted with a writing project though .-.

Thirty days. 1,500 words each day ._. I think I'm working on day 18 right now xD

It's an original story so it's not up here, but if anyone actually wants to read it, it's on Mibba. The title is "Draco Iugum"

Since it's on Mibba though, you have to have an account to read the stories (stupid, I know).

**A/N # 2: **What do you know... I just started another writing project! Though it's not 1,500 a day for a month, it's 4,000 a chapter/a week until it ends ._.


	11. Chapter 11: Eccentricity

I must have been mentally unstable or something. I spend a week running away, finally get time enough to think and decide that I shouldn't have run away and now on the weeklong trip back, I get to sit on a train car, ignoring people around me because I'm nervous about how my return is going to unfold. I hate being embarrassed to the point where I do all I can to get out of it, I will literally go along with people's assumptions to keep from embarrassing myself. So going back to the Black Order was an action that contradicted who I was in its entirety. I knew that if I returned, then the only one who wouldn't openly embarrass me would be the only one to openly ridicule me; Kanda, Yuu. It was all his fault I was sitting on a train in the middle of the day awake.

I groaned unhappily, facing the window while lost in my thoughts, questioning myself and then questioning Kanda and then Sally and Dom. I felt so bad about everything. I ran away, I wasn't fighting for freedom this time, I had run away like a coward because I was afraid to die for something I didn't believe in. I had fears I couldn't even fully express to myself, simple emotions floating around inside me, wreaking havoc on my mind. Some part of me was determined to believe that Kanda would hate me for being so weak, so pathetic, but at the same time, another part of me felt that he wouldn't hold it against me for too long, that he would understand that I was confused. Or course the more pessimistic part pointed out that Kanda had never been very understanding about anything. Ever.

I hated feeling so confused and found myself wondering what life would be like if there were no Innocence, or Akuma, if there was no Earl. If that had been the case then I probably would have never met Kanda or Lenalee, or Allen, Lavi, Jerry, Tapp, Komui, Jonny, or Yeegar. I probably would have ended up in some orphanage somewhere and led a shitty life. Nothing much would have changed for me, in fact it could have been a lot worse. If there was no Innocence I would still have had no family, but then I wouldn't have had any friends either? Or would I?

I didn't know anymore.

I was so confused.

Someone sat down noisily in the seat across from mine and I jumped slightly, turning to see who had sat down. A man who couldn't have been much older than me, with dark skin and oddly braided hair had settled rather comfortably in the bench, a silver cross emblazoned upon his black coat. The next thing I noticed about the strange exorcist was that his eyes were an unseeing shade of gray; he was blind. His face was pointed in my direction, he would have been staring right at me, had I been a little taller, but alas I am short and so he was staring just above my head.

"You wield a strange power." He murmured.

"I know." I replied almost listlessly, "And it's making my life a very confusing hell."

"If you want, I can lend you my ear."

"I won't tell you everything," I replied blandly, despite knowing that if I did talk about everything, I would probably be a lot better off, but if I was going to tell anyone everything, I would probably tell Kanda. The thought reminded me that I'd told Kanda there was a lot I'd never told him meaning that I was going to be in deep shit upon my return.

However, I was still going back, how masochistic. The exorcist across from me was not privy to my thoughts, thankfully, and simply nodded in understanding, "I did not expect you to. Before you begin, allow me to introduce myself. I am Noise, Marie."

"I'm Shiyuki, Saya."

A look of realization passed over his face for a fraction of a second, so quickly that I almost didn't see it and wouldn't have if I hadn't been staring him in the eyes, "I've heard that name before."

I wasn't surprised and let out a small, half choked laugh, "Yeah, I'm the one that ran away. Twice." Another listless sigh escaped my mouth and I turned in my seat to stare out the closed window again, "And yet I'm going back this time. And despite it being my choice… I'm still nervous."

"Why?"

"I hate being embarrassed."

"No, why are you going back?"

"Oh, uh… er… um…" As I fumbled over my sounds, my mind asked the same question again and then answered itself by thinking of Kanda. If the confines of my mind weren't private, I would have sworn that it was not under my control and that something else was influencing all my thoughts and they weren't mine along with a plethora of other complaints. However, as it were, my thoughts were still mine and no one else knew what was going on in my head, thus no excuses. Obviously, Kanda was the reason I was returning and while I felt the blood rush to my cheeks, I knew that I couldn't up and tell someone that I missed one of the most anti-social beings humankind had ever known.

"I see." Marie replied and I really hoped he didn't. Not because he was obviously blind or anything, but because that would mean he could read my mind and I didn't want my mind being read, "What are you nervous about?"

"The reactions I'm going to get." I sighed, "One in particular."

"Why?"

"Because he's a butthead."

Mari chuckled, a grin spreading on his face, "That seems to be a rare, yet accurate description of Kanda." I froze, slowly turning my head to stare, wide eyed at Marie. How had he known who I was talking about already? Heck, how had he known at all? Fortunately he decided to answer my unasked question, "Kanda and I trained under general Tiedoll together."

I blinked once, voicing my thoughts a moment later, "I can't imagine that."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I met Tiedoll once when I was little. If my memory isn't lying to me, then… I really can't see Kanda learning anything from someone that laid back. Though it might explain why he's a bit more irritable than he was before."

Marie smiled again, "Each day was eventful."

"And filled with threats?" I questioned, a silly grin appearing on my face as he nodded, confirming my suspicions.

"General Tiedoll asked him once, if he knew where you'd gone. He remained stubbornly silent for quite a while, only breaking his silence to threaten someone."

"I can see that. Threats are what he generally says when he speaks; otherwise he's saying something to make everyone around him seem stupid."

Marie nodded, probably feeling rather nostalgic as he recalled the arguments between Kanda and everyone else. "He stubbornly refused to say a single word about you. If someone brought you up, he would close his mouth and glare; he got quite a bit of practice from Daisya. I doubt he will take your return badly."

"You think so?" I asked distantly, barely noticing Marie's nod as I became lost in thought. The Kanda I knew probably would have made a smart remark at my return and then let everything return to normal, but I knew Kanda as he was five years ago. In the time since I'd been taken back to the Order he hadn't appeared to have changed too much, with the exception of that _one_ incident. Marie however, knew Kanda as he was while I was away, so he knew all that Kanda had been through more recently, perhaps his judgment should be trusted, "I'm still kinda nervous about it though."

"It's understandable."

"Thanks Marie."

"It's not a problem, Miss Shiyuki."

"You can call me Saya."

From that moment until Marie got off the train, he told me stories about his training with Tiedoll and of the trouble that Kanda caused the poor general. It was about time I found out what happened to him while I was gone; I'd already told him everything that had happened to me and there hadn't been much to tell. In the past five years I went to a bunch of different countries, learned enough of a few languages to get by, paid a few visits to General Yeegar, beat up some Finders, killed some Akuma, beat up a few stupid guys… oh… I'd left that last part out when telling Kanda what had happened. I figured he didn't need nor want to know that there really were clichéd males alive in the world.

Kanda on the other hand, seemed to have a bit more adventure. He went around with Tiedoll, Marie and Daisya, learning about his Innocence, of course he'd kill tons of Akuma in comparison to my some and probably beat up more Finders than I had. He'd been many places and met many people, helped people even, though indirectly because Kanda was never one to openly care for someone. He had gotten stronger too, not marginally stronger like I had, but he'd seriously grown according to Marie. He threatened people, threaten more people, hit some people, threatened some more people and ate soba. I wasn't really surprised. I couldn't imagine him going through some life changing event during those five years, since he was still much the same person, only slightly more irritable and set off a little more easily. That might have been because Daisya liked to mess with him every chance he got and Tiedoll was overly emotional.

* * *

The Black Order's European Branch/Headquarters loomed before me; luckily night had fallen so I was able to conceal myself relatively well. I kept to the already shadowy areas, using my Innocence to deepen the darkness and hide me from sight. I went in the same way I'd gone out. Through the path that usually requires a boat, the mission exit. I would not recommend breaking into the Black Order without Innocence. Hell, I wouldn't recommend breaking in at all, I wasn't afraid of what would happen should I get caught, I was just afraid that I would get caught and thus have to explain myself to someone other than Kanda first. I was not going to admit to anyone other than him that I actually missed the people at the Black Order, it would literally be the death of me. So I was exaggerating, but still!

It wasn't easy getting into the Black Order, luckily however, once you're inside, it's like you belong _and_ when it's nighttime, most people are asleep, except for the occasional Finder and Science Nerd if Komui did something or didn't do something and they all had to pull all-nighters. Go figure that after managing to safely traverse the hallways of the Black Order undetected, I would arrive at my destination only to find that… Kanda wasn't there. I grumbled unhappily and settled down on the windowsill to wait. And I waited. My stomach didn't want to after a while, but I kept on waiting for some stupid reason. I wanted to leave, to change my mind before Kanda came back and just run back to Switzerland, but something made me stay, something I wasn't entirely sure about, a little feeling in my belly that said: _Saya, you sit your ass down and wait or you'll regret it for the rest of your pathetic, cowardly life._

* * *

A few hours passed and finally footsteps sounded outside the door, stopping on the other side. The door seemed to open incredibly slowly, but it did open and standing there was none other than the owner of the room I was hiding in. For a moment, Kanda froze, his eyes widening the moment they landed on me, but only for a fraction of a second. Stepping the rest of the way into the room, he closed the door behind him, locking it as he did, then faced me, his face as expressionless as he could make it, with the exception of the omnipresent glare. There were dark lines under his eyes, he seemed a little paler than normal, looked like he'd lost a bit of weight too; don't ask why I noticed.

"What are you doing here?" he asked quietly, his voice neutral, his stance tired and irritated. If I had to make a guess, I would say he had just returned from a rather exhausting mission. I had to keep myself from grimacing, I wasn't stupid, I figured his mission had been to go find me, or even if it hadn't that he would add it to whatever mission he did have. Some best friend I was.

However, he had asked me a question and from the look on his face I could tell that I had to answer, there was no other option. He was probably thinking that I had better have a damn good reason for running him about the continent and then coming back on my own, making all his actions pointless. But what was I supposed to tell him? That some old Swedish lady made me realize that I felt both safe and comfortable around Kanda? That I missed him more than I hated the Black Order? That I might like him more than a friend? Whoa… where had that last thought come from? Kanda raised an eyebrow at my silence; I was out of time, "I missed you." I replied almost hurriedly, my cheeks burning from the embarrassment of saying it so blatantly, when he smirked, I couldn't help but add on, "I missed you and Lenalee and Allen and even Lavi. I missed Jerry, I _really_ missed Jerry."

His smirk disappeared, but Kanda managed to look just as smug without it, almost like he knew that I would come back, but he didn't, that was why he looked so damn tired, that was why it looked like he hadn't taken the time to eat for the past two weeks.

* * *

**A/N: **It looks like Saya's finally grown some ovaries.

I actually heard that phrase the other day when my friend's boyfriend said to her because of something, I don't remember all of it, but he wasn't going to say "Grow some balls" because that would be weird. So it's "Grow some ovaries!"

Anyways, chapter eleven!

I actually like Saya a lot more than most of the other characters I've created recently simply because she's so well rounded. In comparison to some of the other characters people use for Kanda fan fics, she doesn't immediately hate him, there's no "Oh yeah, I love you and you love me" and I see that pretty often too. And she doesn't force Kanda to be too out of character, he's still mean to her xD

I love the two of them together 3

And I say this because Saya didn't end up the same character I had planned for her when I wrote chapter one. She took over or something and kind of created her own personality ^^'

Anyways, to anyone who also has a thing for Lavi, one of my bestest buddies is writing a Lavi fic =3

Her username is:** Emmy Bookman**

**A/N # 2:** She's still writing that by the way!


	12. OMAKE!

"Neeeeee, Yuu~!" a certain redhead sang loudly. The sun had just come up not moments before and for once, the Japanese exorcist was not rudely dragging his "childhood friend" out of bed for no other reason than to torture her. This intrigued Lavi Bookman greatly, if only because it gave him something to talk about. "Where's Saya-chan~? You didn't wake her up this morning? Did you have a change of heart and feel the need to let your beloved sleep in~?"

"What the fuck?" the Japanese male muttered, dark eyes narrowed in annoyance at the eye-patched redhead that seemed glued to him. Almost as an afterthought to the confused statement he added on, "Don't call me by my first name, _usagi._"

In Lavi's eyes it was like a demon had risen from behind Kanda and glared evilly down on him, threatening to tear his soul from his body and devour it whole. He paled considerably and decided that it was in the best of interest of his mental and physical health to change the subject and avoid his "friend's" name for as long as possible; because he wouldn't be Lavi if he didn't call everyone what they didn't want to be called! "Eheh, you know, I haven't seen Emi or Lena around for a while either. I wonder where they went?"

"How the hell am I supposed to know? She wasn't in her room this morning."

"Heeee." Lavi grinned, a playful glint in his eye, "You check on her every morning? How lovey dovey~!"

" WEHERE ARE YYOOOOOOOUUUU!"

"I'm assuming not here…" another, tired voice chimed in as Allen Walker took a seat next to Lavi, a cart covered in inhuman amounts of food rolling along with him. "Komui's been frantic for two days. I've been interrogated three times already…"

"You look really tired _moyashi-chan!_"

"It's Allen. And I am. Komui's dragging people out of bed to inquire the whereabouts of Lenalee. You two haven't been captured yet?"

"Oh, that's what that robot was for?" Lavi grinned, a small chuckle escaping his throat, "I broke it~!"

"You…" Allen paused, gray eyes flickering to Kanda, "Bakanda…?"

"_Che_."

"YOU BROKE IT TOO!"

* * *

"C'mon Saya! Get up! You _have_ to!"

"Mmmnnnrrggghhh"

A happy laugh resounded through a small room as Lenalee Lee, the younger sister of Krazy Komui entered the room with a cart of food, Fou, the guardian deity of the Asian Branch and Lou Fa a female scientist that was suspiciously crazy about Allen Walker. The other two girls had carts of food as well. "Took the first chance to sleep, didn't she?"

"Well… it's gotta be a little hard on her, since she can't sleep at night… right?"

"But she said she'd learn it!" Emi sighed in exasperation. Her dark, curly hair was pulled back into a loose pontytail, her honey eyes staring down at her friend, unamused by the sleeping girl.

"Just kick her!" Fou shouted.

"It's not that hard to wake her up." Lenalee smiled. "You just have to know how. Watch. Saya-chan! Food!"

"Hrmmm wha?" dark eyes blinked open from beneath what looked like a mop of messy reddish brown hair as a Japanese girl slowly pushed herself off the floor, struggled to her feet and stumbled over to one of the carts. "Mmmm…. Food."

"See." Lenalee nodded once, taking a plate of scrambled eggs for herself and moving away from the parasitic-type exorcist before the food could be snatched away and devoured. "Better get your food before she eats it all."

"W…wha?" Lou Fa, complete with dark brown hair and glasses, stared wide-eyed at Lenalee for a moment, confusion evident on her face.

Emi decided to answer first. "She can give Allen a run for his money in an eating contest."

For a few moments all was silent as Emi snatched away a few pieces of fruit from one of the two carts Saya wasn't hogging. Finally Fou muttered, "So all she does is eat and sleep?"

"Apparently I dance too." Saya grumbled, looking up from her food long enough to send the guardian a glare. The glare, though not directed at her, sent chills down Lou Fa's spine as she inched over to the cart Emi had gotten food from. Saya knew how to glare, especially when tired, after all, she'd been dealing with Kanda, Yuu since childhood and that boy had a glare that could kill.

Emi laughed slightly. "You practically passed out just now!"

"But I've memorized most of the steps."

"Not that you can time them correctly!"

"Less than what everyone else has to do."

"It's only been two days!"

"…" Saya fell silent at the mention of time and glanced over at Lenalee, her face taking on a pale tone for a few seconds. "Komui…"

Again silence filled the room. Until Lenalee chuckled nervously.

"Lenalee, you _did_ tell him, didn't you?"

The look on her face gave her away almost instantly and Saya let out a sigh, but finished what she was eating before speaking. "Lena-chan. You _didn't_ tell _Komui_ that you were coming to the Asian Branch!

"Well… no, but he wouldn't have let me come since Bak-san is here and you know how my brother gets about any guy."

Emi chuckled again, smiling a bit. "It's okay, Saya didn't tell Kanda."

"Hey! You didn't tell Lavi!"

"I don't have a record of running away to random countries."

The look on Saya's face clearly gave away what she was thinking: oh shit. The last time she'd gone and run away from the Black Order, she'd gotten all the way to Switzerland, of all places. She'd also been all over Asia, most of Europe and the Americas, so if nothing else, the girl was very well traveled and spoke a good amount of most languages, at least enough to get around and if she couldn't she stuck to places where she could stick with her language. However, since she'd returned to the Order, the first time by force, she'd been closely watched by her childhood friend, Kanda, Yuu. When she'd run off once again after Kanda had been K. by one of Komui's deadly robots, the Japanese male had gone through hell and back to find her (not that he'd admit that he'd done a freakish amount of searching). If he thought she'd gone and run off again… it would be really awkward for her to explain that she and the other girls had simply decided to go on a mini vacation at Emi's prodding. Hopefully Kanda was smart enough to notice that almost all the girls had disappeared at around the same time, if not… she'd have hell to pay when they finally returned to HQ.

Emi looked on with mild satisfaction at Saya's reaction. It wasn't everyday one was able to see the Japanese girl lose her composure like that and the Euro-Asian felt a bit of pride that she'd been the one to bring it up. "I hope he doesn't go looking for you, _again_." It was like watching the girl be stabbed by invisible knives. "Hurry up and eat you guys, we're going to run through it again. We can have ice cream the moment everyone gets it right!"

* * *

"Bak Chan-chan," Komui spoke into the phone, a haunting lilt in his voice, "you wouldn't happen to know where my _precious_ Lenalee went, would you? Because if you do and are _hiding _it from me, I might _hurt_ you."

At that moment, Lavi popped into the room, dashing passed the many frightened scientists and Reever, with an annoyed Kanda and a traumatized Allen. "Wow! Komui! Did you know that all the girls disappeared? Except for Miranda, but Emi and Saya are gone too!"

Komui looked up for a moment. "All three of them?"

Lavi nodded, his grin never faltering. "We looked _all_ over HQ and they're just not here!"

"WHERE COULD MY PRECIOUS LENALEE BEEEE!"

"Uh… Komui-san?" Lavi questioned, blood dripping onto his face. Komui had apparently tried to hang up the phone on his head. "Requesting permission to search the Asian Branch?"

"Why~?"

"If they're there, you will have an excuse to kill Bak-san."

"Permission granted!"

On the other end of that phone, a certain blond branch head paled, shivering before… "BAK-SAMA!" passing out, covered in hives.

* * *

The boys, led, or dragged, by Lavi Bookman, had successfully entered the Asian Branch through use of Noah's Ark. They hadn't gotten very far down the first hallway when Rikei, along with Shifu, found them by coincidence. "Oh, Walker-san! How are you?"

"Rikei! Shifu! It's good to see you guys! I'm great, what about you?"

"Haha, we're fine. It's good to see you too, Bookman-san, Kanda-san." Shifu smiled at the two males, and while Lavi smiled back, Kanda seemed to make it his goal to appear as annoyed as possible.

Allen, distracted by his friends, blinked and looked around for a moment, as though finally realizing something. Lou Fa wasn't with Rikei and Shifu as she normally was and now Allen just found it odd that girl's were disappearing everywhere. Immediately his thoughts drifted to possible culprits for kidnap, his redheaded master coming to mind before anyone else. With a dark expression, he looked back at his friends. "What… happened to Lou Fa?"

The two scientists blinked then glanced at each other, confusion seeping into their features before finally Rikei spoke up. "You mean… you don't know?" Allen shook his head, his own facial features confused. "She's been with Fou, Lenalee, Shiyuki and Emi for the last two days. We don't know _what _they're doing. Shiyuki or Emi always ward us away from the door…"

"They're all here?" Lavi questioned, eye bright and shining in something akin to hope.

Shifu nodded, but looked slightly uncomfortable. "Yeah, but we don't actually see them unless it's mealtime and even then, Lenalee, Fou and Lou Fa just get carts of food and are gone again."

"Komui won't be happy…"

"Lenalee told Bak-san not to tell…"

"Komui will invade with an army of robots."

"And Bak will be the first to die…"

Lavi was grinning though, regardless of the dark thoughts surrounding Komui and Bak's inevitable death at his hands. "You guys! Let's find out what they're doing!"

"But…" Rikei frowned, brown eyes glancing over at Shifu's canted ones for a moment. "Emi is kind of scary."

"I think Shiyuki is more frightening… the way she uses her Innocence reminds me of the shadows surrounding Komui whenever he talks to Bak."

"Aw, you guys! They're both super nice when you get to know them! Well, Emi is, Saya is kinda mean, but she's been stuck with Yuu so you can't blame her for being kinda abrasive. So long as she gets her food and sleep, she's nice enough." Lavi grinned, "Now, let's go find out what they've been up to!"

_Round, round, ninja, butterfly, stairs, up down, boopdop, leg bounce._

"Saya, you're speaking out loud again."

"What?"

"You have some odd names for the moves Saya-chan!"

The Japanese girl frowned, looking annoyed for a few moments before stubbornly saying, "Well it's true. The arms go round and round then we do a ninja thing and our hands look like a butterfly then look like they're making stairs in the air!"

Emi let out a laugh, a large smile enveloping her features. "Alright, we get it! Let's try again, from the top alright? Lou Fa, put a little more bounce in your step, Saya slow down, you're rushing. Lenalee, don't think about it so much. Even if you mess up and add your own twist to it, it's still good. As for Fou… you look like you're trying to murder something with each step."

"I am."

The girls paused for a moment, everyone's eyes kind of flickering back and forth from one another, worried and confused expressions on their faces. Fou began to laugh a few seconds later and they finally began to relax, but not for too long before Emi took charge once again. "Alright, ready? Go!"

Just around the corner, Allen, Rikei and Shifu were covering Lavi's mouth. The moment the guys had managed to sneak into the room; though it wasn't that hard considering the girls were all distracted at the moment, they had heard Saya's stubborn comments about hand movements. From just that, they weren't able to guess what was going on, but a peak around the corner and an eyeful of Emi in tights, short shorts and an elastic tank top, complete with legwarmers was enough for hearts to appear in his green eyes and his mouth to open in his signature shout, only to be stopped in order for the group to stay hidden. At that moment, they were all a little too distracted to take in Kanda's appearance. The normally stoic male's jaw went slack, not at the sight of Emi, but Saya, who was showing more skin than she'd ever been comfortable with, that he knew of. She was wearing dark shorts, only an inch or two longer than Emi's but looser, with the same type of top, her thighs out in the open; which was odd considering she really only wore dress pants and a t-shirt.

"You guys…" Allen was the first to recover. "Are they…"

"Yeah…" Rikei whispered in amazement, "They are…"

"E-" Lavi didn't get more than a breath out before being tackled and silenced once more. When he was given another chance to speak, he wisely lowered his voice to a whisper. "Emi dances!"

Sure enough, all five girls were dancing, in sync with each other, movements perfectly timed. It wouldn't have been such a shock to the guys if it had been something simple, like ballroom dancing (though the thought of Fou or Saya doing something like that blew minds) but no, the group was dancing to something that could have only been a pop song. The movements were bouncy, kind of intricate and each of them had something to show off. For Emi it was her limberness, she had an amazing amount of control over her body. Saya seemed to prove that she was a bit more intimidating than one would believe from her small stature, her movements slightly more powerful and pointed than the others. Lenalee appeared to be having the most fun, but her own dancing displayed something close to anger, or annoyance (likely directed at Komui). Fou seemed to express the violence that only she could while Lou Fa showed more tenderness and childish expressions than the others.

Almost four minutes later the girls stopped, slightly out of breath, four of them eyeing Emi, waiting for some kind of negative response and wondering how she could dance with all of them and still not miss anything. It was like she had eyes in the back of her head or something just as ridiculously creepy. Out of the four of them, the one that seemed the least worried about the results was Saya, who, while still looking at Emi, yawned loudly, covering her mouth but her dark eyes were still on her friend, even though her eyelids were drooping with each passing second.

Finally Emi turned around, facing the rest of the group and grinned, "You guys did awesome! It was practically perfect! Wasn't that fun!"

"I guess. At the very least it's a good way to stay in shape when my Innocence goes ballistic."

"Saya, that's really not how you should think about things."

"What? Why not, it's true. It's got a mind of its own and just _decides_ when it does and doesn't want to work. How am I supposed to work with that?"

"A simple 'Yes Emi, that was fun!' would have sufficed." Emi sighed, though she tried to make her expression one of annoyance, her honey colored eyes were amused and soon the smile was back on her face. "Alright! Next dance!"

"WHAT!" Saya screamed, horror showing on her features as she sarcastically clutched at her heart, faking a heart attack. "Emi, it was fun and al, but we haven't rested in two days because you wanted us to do this so bad. Can't we just stick to one dance per month and on days that we can all make it, we can all practice?"

"Well what days can we all make it?"

"U-um…" Lou Fa raised a hand timidly, her face still red from the exercise and the fact that she'd never thought she'd be dancing like that, no matter who it was with. "I can make it almost any time, so long as it's not every day, I should have plenty of time to finish my work."

"That's great Lou Fa! What about you Fou?" Once again Emi was taking charge of the situation.

"Heh, I'm always free. Unless there's an attack I'm open. It's you guys that have the issues."

"Well, yeah…" Lenalee sighed, rubbing the back of her head almost nervously, "We never really know when we're going to have to go on a long mission."

"You're exorcists!" Lou Fa smiled, "Just make sure to keep safe. Besides, an activity like this is good for you every now and then, if all you think about is work all the time then you'll get old too fast!"

"What's that say about Saya?" Emi laughed. "She only thinks about food and sleep!"

"Psh and all you think about is dance, apparently!"

"At least my mind is on something fun!"

The guys continued to stare, eyes wide and jaws slack. They couldn't believe what they had just seen. It was one thing to see those girls doing something girly and dancing sort of counted, but it was another thing entirely to actually see them enjoying themselves. Fou was a guardian deity of the Asian Branch, bound to the Chan family, but she'd always had her own way of doing things (a way that usually involved Bak being in pain) and Lou Fa was a scientist that was close with her colleagues, so fun wasn't out of their reach, but for Saya, Emi and Lenalee, well it always seemed like a dream they could reach. Something to make them feel like normal kids once in a while was probably good for them, mentally at the very least and that's what the dance session had done. It seemed like Emi was trying to make her friends see that, even in a place like the Black Order, they could have fun and be normal. While Lenalee might have known that already, it was kind of obvious that Saya had not. For the guys, it was nothing short of amazing.

Lavi's attention was, of course, on Emi. His eye was wide and a huge grin was planted on his face. Right next to him, Shifu was looking at the same girl, a faint blush tinting his cheeks. Kanda's eyes hadn't left Saya, though he'd managed to pick his jaw back up and reclaim his usual, slightly irritated look. On his left was Rikei, also staring at the redheaded Japanese girl, his brown eyes wide with a look of admiration and, much like Shifu, there was a bit of pink on his cheeks. Allen was looking at Lenalee and trying not to, though he thought he was the only looking at the Chinese exorcist, until he felt a presence next to him and glanced over. Not only was Bak Chan squatting next to him, but the older man's face was a bright red and it was… covered in hives; though Allen couldn't say he was surprised. It was when he passed out moments later that Allen feared for their lives. Not two seconds after the blond man hit the ground and the rest of the group turn to find out what was going on, did Wong come running down the hall. Screaming. "BAK-SAMA!"

"Fuck!" Kanda swore, not quite loudly, but with Wong running around screaming about Bak Chan's hives, it might as well have been. The girlish voices chatting around the corner came to a sudden halt, silence filled the room, so long as Wong was ignored and a tension exuded from the atmosphere. Just around the corner were five very angry girls and at least four of them were capable of extreme violence. Allen's experience with Fou led him to believe that the only to suffer her wrath would be Bak, who was already covered in hives and being nursed by Wong. He figured that Emi and Saya would focus on Lavi and Kanda respectively, but it was Lenalee that worried him. What would she say? What would she do? Would she be upset?

He didn't have too much time to ponder her mood, because the girls walked around the corner, obvious displeasure on four faces and embarrassment coloring Lou Fa's. Emi was the first to speak. "_Si seguace!_"

Saya was standing next to Emi and while shorter, the irritation displayed on her tired face was still intimidating. She let everyone blink in confusion at Emi's use of Italian for a moment before matching the language. "_Dovremmo ucciderli?_"

Eyes flickered to Saya, confusion leaking from their pores. Who knew the Japanese girl could speak Italian!

"_Quello che il ... hai fatto uscire con la mafia o qualcosa del genere? Come si sa nemmeno come a dire che_?" Even Emi seemed a little shocked for a moment, but Saya simply shrugged, not really answering the Italian girl, her dark eyes narrowed in annoyance at the guys. Emi sighed and turned back to them. "What are you doing here?"

"You guys disappeared!" Lavi began, "Yuu was worried!"

"_Oi! Urusai usagi!"_

_ "Bakanda!"_ Saya almost barked at him, the insult causing her friend to blink and direct his glare at her.

Lavi didn't give them the chance to let violent sparks fly. "We were all worried! Weren't we Allen!"

A meek nod from the white haired boy drew the attention to him. "Y-yes. Komui-san is worried too…" a look of fear engulfed his features for a moment and the girls looked at each other, then Lenalee, understanding Allen's predicament at the moment. The boy was too polite to use any means necessary to escape from Komui and his army of evil, Lenalee-loving robots.

"Allen's been dragged in for interrogation three times!"

"And you?" Saya asked coldly.

"They broke the robots!" Allen had comical tears streaking down his face as he relived the pain from that morning. "Komui took it out on me!"

"Nii-san…" Lenalee let out a sigh, hand on her forehead as though she were trying to stop an oncoming headache, but the headache that was Komui couldn't be so easily disposed of. "I guess we have to go back and stop him…"

"Can't we just-" Saya began.

But Emi cut her off, obviously already knowing what the Japanese girl was going to say and deciding that it was _not_ within their best interest. "No."

"Fiiine." Saya muttered, sleepily following after Lenalee who had already decided it would be best to go ahead and stop her brother from destroying the entire Black Order in a search for his precious baby sister who had mysteriously vanished. "We can change before facing the Insane One, right?"

As the girls walked off, they left the guys behind, Bak was still covered in hives and suffering from Wong's care, but Lavi was staring after them, silently wondering why they had been so upset for such a short amount of time and then just leaving. On the other hand, Kanda was wondering when Saya had learned Italian; Allen was still reveling in fear and hoping Komui wouldn't blame him for anything else. Rikei and Shifu however, though strangely out of character as it was, were staring after the girls, faces bright red, mouths slightly agape. "So… cute…" Rikei mumbled quietly.

Lavi, being Lavi, turned to the Asian Branchers and grinned, "Who? Who? Don't tell me you have a crush on Fou! That's kinda scary~!" A look of confusion told him he was wrong. "Then, is it Lou Fa?" Another look. "…Lena…lee?" he tried, but again he was wrong. "No way…" he blinked, trying to comprehend how they could possibly like… "Saya and Emi!" Red faces answered his question. Kanda turned, casting a dark glare at the two of them before stalking off. Well, it was obvious that Saya was off limits, but Lavi, being overly friendly and happy and loveable (or so he thought) couldn't give them the face of death and expect it to work, but rather than smiling happily as he normally would, the redhead took on a serious look, "It's better if you don't."

* * *

Back at headquarters, clothed in their normal uniforms, except Fou who couldn't leave the Asian Branch, the girls stood in Komui's pffice as he hugged his sister half to death, while Emi explained the situation. "We were having some girl time. That's all it was. The four of us and Fou. We didn't let any guys in the room, okay Komui? You don't have to kill anyone."

"Other than yourself." Saya muttered quietly, only to receive a harsh elbow in the side from the Euro-Asian. "Emi and I scared people off alright? No one so much as _saw_ Lena-chan expect for at meals."

"But Bak said-"

"I told him not to tell you anything! You always overreact Nii-san!"

"So, what did you do for girl time?"

"We talked."

"That's it?"

"That's it."

Later, after leaving the room, Lou Fa looked at Lenalee and asked, "Why didn't you tell your brother the truth?"

"Because he would be very upset and I don't feel like dancing for him."

* * *

**A/N:** "HOLY SHITE AN UPDATE!" You know that's what you're ALL THINKING! ALL OF YOU! Except Emm, she knew this was coming =w=

Anyways, no I haven't abandoned you guys, or my stories. I've just been RIDICULOUSLY lazy and kinda busy. I will attempt to work on stories more often buuuuuuuuuut I'm not promising anything ._.

Anyways, this is an Omake, obviously. Some of the characters might be a little OOC, especially the character "Emi" who happens to be the main character from Emmy Bookman's Lavi story. No worries, I have permission to use the character, I was IM-ing Emm throughout most of the Omake's creation =w= This was partially to help me re-gain control of the characters in preparation for more chapters ;D

Anyways, enjoy =w= I think I will make Sundays my new update day, but I dunno about tomorrow.

Oh and the dance they were practicing is from SHINee's Lucifer =w=

Also: What was said in Italian

Emi: You follower. (note: stalker was still stalker and I didn't want them knowing what she said so it became follower instead)

Saya: Should we kill them?

Emi: What the... did you hang out with the mafia or something? How do you even know how to say that?


	13. Chapter 12: Walk of Shame

"Let me be disappeared for one more day." I mumbled, struggling to be heard through the fabric and fluffyness of the pillow that I had buried my face into. I hated Kanda. I hated him and how he was a morning person. For someone who rose with the sun, he was really grumpy, weren't morning people supposed to be bright and cheery? Like Allen? Kanda couldn't be like Allen, if he turned into Allen then the world would implode upon itself, Lenalee would get her nose pierced, Lavi would turn into an ass, Komui would hate his sister, Jerry would be a horrible cook and the Head Nurse would smile.

How did Kanda manage to wake up in the morning? When sleep was so absolutely wonderful, it's all encompassing embrace something I relished, something I loved almost more than life itself, something I would never give up. Yet a demon comes in and tears it from my grasp, when I've only just taken hold of the beauteous haven of rest, the chance to let my mind be blank and empty, for time to fast forward. The wondrous thing that had slipped through my fingers time and again for the past two and a half weeks was finally in my grasp, the sun had only risen a few moments ago, my eyes had barely closed, but then a voice wrenched me from the sweet slumber. Kanda stood in my bedroom, glaring scornfully down at me and I didn't even hear the door open. That meant that in the period of time between the rising of the sun and Kanda kicking my bed, I had fallen into a much needed, deep sleep.

"No."

"Sometimes… I really hate you."

"Che." That was Kanda for: Sometimes I really hate you too. Then again, it was also Kanda for: Yeah, yeah, love you too. and: Yes, I really like soba. and: You're my best friend too. and just about anything else that Kanda would never say because Kanda is Kanda and he just doesn't do touchy feely emotional stuff.

"_Onegai._" My pleas were met with stony silence and I knew that Kanda was not going to let me sleep, however much I wanted it, or needed it, or loved it, he was going to parade about the Black Order and let them all know that yes, I had returned and of my own free will too. Meaning that Johnny would finally be allowed to make a uniform specifically for me and that Lenalee would smile happily and give me a cup with my initials on it, that I would inevitably chance from S.S. to S.O.S. simply because if I didn't then I wouldn't be me.

I didn't even know how long I would stay with the Black Order this time. I was still confused after all.

It was entirely possible that after a week's worth of unwanted attention and unending embarrassment that I would hightail it out of here and hop on the next train to wherever it was. Maybe go back to Switzerland, so long as I don't tell anyone that's where I went. Then I might be able to go back there whenever I need a break from the life threatening days of the Order. That would be nice.

"Get. Up."

"Tomorrow."

"Now."

"Tomorrow."

"Now!"

"Sunset?"

"No."

I glared at him through the veil of brown-red hair that had fallen in my face, but a glare met mine with twice the intensity I would be able to manage on a day where I really did hate the person I was glaring at. I hated how Kanda could get his point across with a glare and I couldn't. Why couldn't _I_ have that menacing look about me?

Meeting his eyes was a big mistake. I'd always hated it when Kanda was mad at me and perhaps it was because he was the only person I trusted to accept me as me, but once I met his glare I knew he was pissed. It wasn't that I had left either.

The note.

I swore silently, burying my face my pillow for a moment to keep from saying anything I didn't want to say, or letting a look of guilty shame cross my features. I didn't want Kanda to know that I knew why he was angry with me, I didn't want to have to tell him all the things I'd never told him before, not because he didn't deserve to know, no Kanda deserved to know more than anyone else in the Black Order, but I just didn't want to have to go through the act of telling him. This was one of those few times where I just wanted to roll over and die and it didn't even have anything to do with the embarrassment I would be facing the moment it was revealed that I was back, not in the infirmary, conscious and virtually unharmed.

Oh crap… the embarrassment. I was going to have to deal with Lenalee who was sure to be absolutely livid. She'd been trying so hard to show me how much the place had changed and yet, the first chance I got and I booked it, seemingly without a second thought. Lenalee was going to think I didn't give a damn about any of them and that wasn't true, they were the reason I'd come back, it hadn't just been Kanda alone, but though I hate to admit it, he alone might have been enough, but regardless, I'd still included everyone else when I made my decision to return, I'd come back because of all of them.

Of course, that wouldn't make up for two and a half weeks of fruitless searching.

My bed jolted again, obviously someone was getting a little impatient. On the inside, Kanda was probably eagerly awaiting my walk of shame through the Black Order.

"Aren't I allowed sleep?" I asked, my words sleepily slurring together. Again I was met by silence. "I haven't slept since I left…"

"Why the hell not!" the reply was much angrier than I had expected. I mean, I didn't think he would be _happy_ about it, but then it didn't really warrant the snarl that he'd given me. It was one thing to be displeased about the person closest to a best friend not sleeping for two and a half weeks, but to be downright furious? That warranted some concern.

I pulled my face up from my pillows, the action taking much more effort than it should have, but then it was a struggle to keep my eyes open, and looked at Kanda, who was still glaring harshly down on me. I forced my eyes to stay open, taking in the dark, tired circles around his eyes that had looked worse when he'd come back to his room the previous night, but he still looked haggard and worn. His hair was slightly disheveled, something a sane Kanda would never let happen, just like he'd never let his clothes remain wrinkled, crumpled and unprofessional looking. He needed more sleep too. "Because I'm not stupid enough to fall asleep on the train when I'm by myself. I might miss my stop." His glare didn't cease. "You need more sleep too. You look as bad as I feel and that's saying something." I mumbled, it was getting harder and harder to keep my eyes open, I was just too tired to do it anymore.

My arms stopped supporting my body and I collapsed onto my pillows, eyes closed, but still conscious. "Go… sleep…" I managed to tell him, though I wasn't sure if he heard me, let alone understood me.

* * *

When I woke up, the little rays of sunlight that entered my room through the small, vertical openings in my room (that were probably covered by glass now that I thought about it, it was just that I couldn't get my hand through to the end and check) were draining away, the light they left slowly fading. I had slept all day. Then I noticed something that should have put me on edge, it really should have considering the possible implications of such a thing. Kanda was sitting on the floor, across the room, next to the small wooden dresser that was in here for some unknown reason, his eyes were closed, soft snores were escaping his frame.

Snores?

Holy crap… Kanda, Yuu, the rather silent and always angry exorcist, snored. That was perfect blackmail. Or it would have been had I not known that Lavi would make strange suggestive comments and about the implications of knowing that Kanda snored. On that note, I only knew Kanda snored ever so slightly because he had fallen asleep in my room, in a sitting position, but regardless of how he fell asleep, or what position he was in when he did so, the question was_ why_ was _Kanda_ asleep in _my_ room? Immediately I thought he'd simply assumed I would run off again despite having come back so soon, but then Kanda, of all people, should know that I wouldn't have come back only to say I missed him (and everyone else) and run off again. Hadn't I gotten across that I was going to stay? At least for a little while?

Or was he worried?

I blinked sleepily. I hadn't recovered all the sleep I'd lost yet. That sucked.

Kanda's soft snores continued and I blinked again. He didn't look as haggard as he had before, though he should have just gone back to his own room and slept there, a good sleep in a comfortable bed would have done him wonders. His features didn't appear as hollow as they had before, the dark lines around his eyes lessened significantly and no longer standing out as starkly against his pale skin. His hair was shiny, but then, his hair was _always_ shiny, but it was down, so he'd planned to sleep here, or somehow, in his fatigued state, he'd been unable to correctly tie his hair. I doubted that though, he could tie his hair with one hand and I would never figure out how.

His dark hair framed his face, his mouth opened slightly, a harmless expression on his face. It was kind of cute. Though I would never risk my life to tell Kanda that he was cute. I valued living just a little more than that. This was the Kanda that only I knew, the one that felt comfortable, the one that wasn't fighting for every breath he took, the one that seemed at ease, calm, happy almost. This was the Kanda that I liked best. The same one that I could talk to about anything, the one who wouldn't hold my confusion against me, the one who didn't always demand I follow his orders or tell him everything, the one whose snoring had stopped and eyes had opened, resuming his constant glare while meeting my own eyes.

"What?"

I blinked, still exhausted, but definitely feeling much better than that morning. "You slept in here." He continued to stare back at me, his expression never changing. Kanda looked better with his hair down. Ooookay, something was wrong with me. I thought that and didn't berate myself immediately afterward. "Why?" When he didn't answer, I rolled over, bringing my blanket up over my shoulders and said, "Fine then, I'm going back to sleep."

"Che, you can't sleep right now."

"I can pretend."

I heard slight shuffling, the sounds of Kanda standing up and taking the few steps needed to cross the room. "Saya." His tone was warning, like he was going to be angry with me if I didn't turn and look at him.

"I'm sleeping."

"Saya." He growled, voice taking on that angry tone he used with Allen and Lavi; I was getting on his nerves. Good. He'd already frayed mine.

"I'm asleep." There was no response to my deadpan reply, but in all honesty, I didn't really know what I had been expecting. Some yelling, obviously, but I knew Kanda. Once he'd decided he wasn't going to tell me why he'd fallen asleep in my room, he wasn't going to tell me, unless I magically pulled a deadly clipboard from somewhere and beat him over the head with it and even then, he would make that sound of his and walk away. Or tell me to hurry the hell up so he could continue with my walk of shame. Not that he could when everyone was asleep.

That's right. Everyone would be going to sleep about now. There was no point.

Something cold and wet splashed over me, my heart jumping into my throat as I gasped in surprise and literally threw myself away from the bed and whatever had been there. I hit the floor with a hard thump, my lower back and bum hurting immensely from the collision with stone, then another cold sensation flooded through me and I jumped up, running for the rug near the door. The stone floor was cold.

I glared up at Kanda, who was as angry faced as usual, holding an empty cup in one hand, the other stuffed into a pocket. Something like amusement danced over his features and I frowned, glaring at him, probably looking ridiculously pathetic, squatting down on the only rug, dripping wet in a t-shirt and long shorts. In fact I probably looked like a drowned rat, how nice. "What the hell Kanda!" I was severely tempted to pout, yes pout and make the pathetic look work, but considering how it was Kanda in front of me rather than well… someone the pouting look would work on, I didn't bother. "You can't make me go through the walk of shame like _this_."

"Food."

I blinked, staring at him in bewilderment. I knew Kanda didn't like talking all that much, but it wasn't often that he took that tone with me, using only one word, but then I guess he figured that no matter how irritated, tired, depressed, or dead I was, that one word would probably get through to me, but I was _not_ Allen. "What about fo—" then my stomach let out a vicious growl that ruined whatever it was I was going to say.

"Get dressed."

"Get out." My reply came almost the second his mouth closed, then I bolted across the room and into the bathroom, only putting the tips of my feet on the icy cold ground as I darted past my friend, still dripping from that water he'd so mercilessly dumped on me. I was shivering, my teeth chattering lightly, but I glared through the door, waiting for Kanda to exit my room. I swear his lips twitched into a smirk just before he took his leave.

* * *

I was not looking forward to this, but I think on some sick level of his mind, Kanda relished being the cause of my embarrassment, or at least being the proverbial executioner. He was sick, sick and twisted and somehow, still my best friend. Oh crap, if I turned out to be some kind of masochist because of that freak, I'd kill him, or put itching powder in his sheets and then embarrass the hell out of _him_ for once. Would that even work? Probably not.

It was with a heavy heart, or head, or just lead feet, that I followed Kanda down the stairs, past bewildered stares and into the cafeteria. The loud, rowdy sounds that usually permeated the air stopped almost immediately and I could _feel_ eyes on my back, staring in wide eyed shock because it was just strange that no one had seen Kanda all day and when he finally showed up, a certain redhead was in tow, the same one that ran off two weeks ago and no one had been able to find. The silence was killing me as I slowly trudged after Kanda to Jerry's window and thankfully the cook managed to end the silence.

"OH MY IS THAT YOU SAYA!" He screamed, louder than I'd ever heard him, the whole damn Order probably heard him, hell the America branch could probably hear him! Jerry reached through the window and pulled me into a bone crushing hug and I mean _bone crushing_ Jerry was pretty strong for a cook, ridiculously strong actually and it was not fun to be on the receiving end of that.

It took a few moments to even get enough air into my lungs to choke out, "Je-rry… ca-n't br-ea-the! Ne-ed AIR!"

"Oh! Saya-chan! I'm so sorry! I was just so happy to see that you've come back and I couldn't help myself! I missed you so much! Where _were_ you? Everyone was looking everywhere! Kanda was always out! Allen searched for days! Lenalee-chan is looking for you right now oh! Did you know that Lavi-kun found an exorcist? Oh you know what! You must be hungry! What do you want?"

I stared at Jerry, wondering why he wasn't mad at me for running off, but too worried about what the response would be to ask. "Um… I don't know… make whatever you want?"

"No no no! Saya-chan~! I want to make what you want to eat!"

"Then…" and I began rattling off a list of foods that sounded rather delicious. It seemed, by the fourth entrée that I was attached to Korean food at the moment, but if I had started on Swiss foods then someone might figure out that I'd gone to Switzerland and if I wanted a place to get away to, then I couldn't let anyone know I'd gone there.

Jerry just continued to smile until I finished rambling. "And Kanda wants Soba! I'll have a cart for you soon Saya-chan."

"Oh LOOK!" an annoyingly familiar voice shouted. "It's Yuu! And! OH! IS THAT SAYA! YUU! You found her?"

Lavi came bounding over, a confused brunette girl in tow and stopped just before running to Kanda and I, his eye as wide as his grin, but the grin faded a few seconds later when Kanda removed Mugen from its sheath and glared at Lavi with unrivaled intensity. "What did you call me, _Usagi_?"

"Um… nothing. Kanda-san." He was so pale it was almost funny. "But, you found Saya-chan! Where was she! Hey, Saya-chan! Where were you!"

Thankfully, Jerry finished with the food quickly; he cooked faster than humanly possible though and it would have thrown me off if it weren't for the one tiny little fact that no one ever got sick when Jerry cooked. The cart was rolled out and I ditched Lavi for food; something any sane person would do. However, I was amused to hear a whisper of, "She has enough food to feed my entire village!" Lavi decided to explain parasitic type Innocence to her while I went to sit down, led by none other than Kanda who seemed to be silently enjoying my walk of shame. All the Finders were staring in wide eyed awe and I began to plot my revenge on Kanda. If he was going to spend time embarrassing me, I would get him back. Not in as flashy a way, but I would.

We hadn't been sitting down for very long when Lavi decided to join us, with the girl from earlier. "You guys!" the redhead practically whined. "This is Emi Lazzarani! She's half Italian and half Japanese! You guys are Japanese right? Maybe you can be friends!"

I blinked, almost boredly. I didn't really care for people in general, I didn't really feel the need to go out of my way and make friends with a person, but it had been our similar culture that caused Kanda and I to get so close, so it wouldn't be so bad to speak to a girl about things that I couldn't possibly talk to Kanda about, but if that were the case then I'd talk to Lenalee… wait… no… I wouldn't. Not about certain things anyway, but if this Emi person was half Japanese, with a Japanese first name, she might be speak Japanese; might as well test her. "_Nihongo wo hanashimasu ka?_"

Kanda looked over at me with a raised brow and Lavi stared; apparently he'd never heard me speak Japanese before, or at least, not more than calling him a stupid rabbit. Emi however, blinked at me in surprise and stumbled over a few sounds before finally saying, "_Non molto._"

Lavi chuckled and opened his mouth the point out that Emi hadn't responded in Japanese, but Italian. Good thing for her that I spent a few months there and picked up on the language. "_Ma tu parli fluentemente italiano_?" The reactions were nothing short of amazing. Even Kanda's whipped around as if to make certain that it was really me who'd just shifted from English, to Japanese, to Italian. If there was one thing I was good at, it was picking up at languages.

"_Sì! È così_?" Emi's face had broken out into a smile and I couldn't help but manage a small one in return. She seemed so happy that someone else spoke Italian, even though she wasn't very good in Japanese; but she did well with English.

I nodded slightly in response before switching back to the language everyone understood. "I spent some time in Italy a while back and picked up on the language. A few people I met were nice enough to help me, but I moved around too often to meet with them more than once or twice."

* * *

**Translation:** Saya_: Do you speak Japanese?_

Emi: _Not much._

Saya: _But you speak fluent Italian?_

Emi: _Yes! You as well?_

**A/N: **All the Italian translations are via Google Translation since I don't know ANY Italian. But I do speak a bit of Japanese and hate Google's attempt at translating Japanese. It doesn't understand polite speech . Anyways, Emi is a character that belongs to Emmy Bookman, who happens to be my mental twin. She's currently writing a Lavi story (I know I've advertised this before) and I wanted you guys to know that no, our stories don't match up, but I love the character Emi. She was present in the Omake xD Also, I know I said I'd update on Sundays and then didn't last Sunday, but that was because I edited out all the typos in this story =w= So I figured that should count ^^'


	14. Chapter 13: First Mission

I don't flinch often, or at least, I don't like to think that I do. However, when Lenalee rounded that corner, I raised my arms to cover my head and jumped a few steps backwards. Kanda merely raised an eyebrow at me, but he hadn't been there when Lena-chan had gone ape-shit on me, he'd been dragged off by a stupid redhead against his will, leaving me to the two-tailed beast. Never had I been afraid of Lenalee, never had she ever managed to evoke anything but a feeling of female camaraderie, but now she just frightened me.

"Saya-chan… what are you doing?" the Chinese girl appeared and sounded confused, her purple-ish eyes were wide and her dark brows knitted together.

My eyes however, darted around, looking for her weapon. "Where is it?" I asked, not lowering my arms. My question was answered with another look of pure confusion and Lenalee looked at Kanda, as though he could grant her some explanation for my strange behavior, but he wasn't there, he didn't know and I hadn't thought to tell him; I really hoped he wouldn't get pissy about that. "Your weapon of mass destruction. Where is it?"

She blinked once before a smile spread on her face and a giggle bubbled from her throat. Her eyes lit up like Christmas Trees, as though she'd just heard the funniest thing in the world, but I was completely serious. That freaking clipboard of hers was a weapon that could tame the fiercest demon, it would have worked as an anti-akuma weapon, it was probably more effective than Innocence and from what I'd felt when it collided with my head at her command was enough to make me wary of any more sneak attacks. "Saya-chan, I don't have it with me, you can relax." A sigh escaped my lips as my hands finally fell to my sides, shoulders sagging in relief. "Kanda, Nii-san wants to see you, Saya-chan, you have to come with me, but don't worry, there will be no clipboards involved this time okay?"

I nodded very slowly, casting a suspicious glance at my best friend, who really just gave me a glare that I translated to: _She's not going to kill you, moron._ My one real super power was to translate Kanda's glares, I swear it was a rare ability than syncing with Innocence and it was definitely part of the reason I managed to pick up on languages a lot quicker than most people (not to mention that when one spends their childhood in the Black Order they hear more languages than most people will ever hear in a lifetime so I was already used to hearing strange things and wondering what they meant). Unfortunately it was a very underappreciated ability, because no one really cared what Kanda meant word for word since they could merely assume he was thinking something derogatory and be correct. Kanda was not very nice, but no one really paid enough attention to notice that, on a very rare occasion, Kanda was less mean to certain people.

Following Lenalee, I silently questioned why she only needed me, usually Kanda and I were stuck together like glue, only neither of us ever looked particularly happy to be together. Maybe she just didn't want to grumpier of the two with her for a moment? Or she was going to beat me with that deadly clipboard of hers and no one would ever know. I really hoped that wasn't it. "So… what's this about?"

"Well, since you finally came to us on your own, we're going to consider you a full-fledged exorcist. That means you get a uniform." My eyes immediately went to her skirt, distaste written all over my face and she merely laughed. "I wear shorts under this. Your Innocence doesn't require as much leg movement as mine does, so you get shorts."

"Shorts?"

She nodded, "Shorts. You also get a big jacket like the one Kanda wears, except tailored to fit you. I already gave the science department your measurements so—"

"Wait!" I shouted, cutting her off, eyes wide. "How do you know my measurements and why are you giving them to random people without my permission?"

"They're not random people." She replied almost stiffly. "They make all our uniforms. You already know Jonny and Tapp anyways!"

"Sorry, jeez." I muttered, crossing my arms. "I just find it a little awkward that other people know my measurements when I never told them. It just feels like an invasion of privacy you know?" I decided to get out of the spotlight of awkwardness before I said something else I might regret. "So… they know _your_ measurements and Komui hasn't killed them? I'm impressed at his restraint."

"Nii-san made my uniform…" she admitted, an uncomfortable smile on her lips. "They helped with the design, but…"

"I get it." I chucked. "Komui is too insane to allow anyone to know more than what they can see from ten feet away."

I got a real smile out of her with that one, the accidental jab against the science geeks forgotten at least temporarily. "Have you been training lately?"

"Not… particularly?" I answered sheepishly.

"Well, you're going to end up training more often and you need to work on sleeping more or at least resting better while you sleep. Since you came back, they've been looking into your condition you know? So you might have to make a few more trips to the Science Department while you're here. Mostly, they'll just want to ask you questions, so you don't have to freak out."

I would likely freak out anyway. I didn't question well. I was less than polite when people asked me questions and if I didn't want them to know… well I made it perfectly clear. When Komui had begun asking about my Innocence, I had been trying very hard not to verbally bite his head off and the only thing that really kept me from doing so was Kanda's presence and the lack of any other, annoying persons. Truthfully, if Lavi had been there, they would not have been able to pry my mouth open with a wrench. That redheaded _thing_ talked way too much about other people's business and I for one, did not want my business being spread around like cupcakes on someone's birthday. Not. Fun.

"I will make them swear secrecy or something." I muttered under my breath, but Lenalee's smile didn't really fade, she just nodded like she understood and as far as I knew, she might have. She'd been here when I left, she knew _why_ I'd ran off like I had, so obviously she would know why I was so uncomfortable with the idea of my Innocence. Whatever it was that made the Innocence compatible with a person didn't give them a choice, it just showed up and said: _Guess what, I'm going to ruin the rest of your life and make you fight against monsters and crap that you couldn't hope to beat without me. _Also, not fun.

We entered the room or technically the _area_ that was granted to uniform making, it was a small area, black fabric was strewn most of the place, but that was to be expected, the uniforms were _black_ because it was the _Black Order_. Whoever created the organization must have been a closet goth; it was my explanation for all the black and the fact that HQ was a freaking tower on top of a cliff with a forest at its base. Screams goth to me, or perhaps it was just their attempt at a foreboding atmosphere that would cause people to avoid it; unless they had a really good flashlight.

Mental goofing around aside, it was a little odd to see all the fabric in the science department, even if I knew what it was for. They were overloaded enough as is and yet they still had to go around making uniforms for new exorcists and probably repairing the ones that were more often than not damaged when the exorcists went on their missions? It almost sounded like they had more work than anyone else. I might smack someone if they brought up that cliché about "being unable to actually help while on the field and how other people are risking their lives" because if some of those stacks of papers and books fell, no one would survive. Someone should kick Komui in the shin, if only so I could see what the place looked like clean and without the floors of black and white. I didn't know if there was tile or carpet underneath all those papers. Maybe I should ask someone. So much for setting aside the mental goofing.

"Shiyuki-chan!" the call startled me. Unlike Kanda I didn't despise my first name or something and get seriously irritated every time it was used, I actually let certain people call me by it, but the only people I really spoken to recently were Kanda, Lenalee, Jerry and Lavi. Only three of them actually had my permission to use my given name, but Lavi seemed to have issues with respect and simply did not get the idea that he really shouldn't call me by name if I didn't want to be. Therefore, I was completely used to hearing _Saya-chan_ or simply _Saya_. It was actually a nice change of pace to hear my surname again, I was so sure I'd forgotten it. I turned around to see Jonny, Tapp at his side, both of them complete with large grins. I smiled awkwardly back, but didn't say anything. "You came to get your uniform? " I nodded slowly, eyes kind of wide simply because these two knew my measurements and had apparently made me clothing. It was an awkward feeling for me. "We heard about the fiasco with Komui when you were first brought back, when you threw the skirt at his head. So we decided against that when making yours, but movement is always key, so the uniform is usually a little snug. It should be pretty comfortable once you get used to it."

Again, I was only able to nod in response. I was actually waiting for someone to say something about my disappearance, I was waiting for one of those comments about taking things for granted or for being a coward and running away, but they just kept smiling at me as though I had done nothing wrong. It was strange. Lenalee opened her mouth before I could open mine and ruin the moment, "She gets to test it out today too. Saya-chan's going on a mission with Kanda."

"As if we expected her to go with anyone else for a while." Tapp chuckled, winking at me. I just stared back dumbly. It had never really occurred to me that I might eventually go on a mission without Kanda, he was practically my keeper now, but since I was here of my own violation for the first time in forever, I guess it made a little sense. He couldn't be expected to babysit me _all_ the time and he probably didn't like being held back. If exorcists were classified into ranks, then the generals were S class, Kanda was A class and I might have been hovering somewhere between D and C. I lacked training, speed, strength, reflexes and pretty much all the things most exorcists needed simply because I relied wholly on my Innocence. So long as I could shield myself, I would be fine. I didn't think about dodging, I merely wore myself out to the point of exhaustion raising shields and while I was damn good at that, I was pretty pathetic at everything else. Go figure. Maybe I could get some help from someone other than Kanda, preferably someone who didn't just start fighting and expect me to learn without any pointers. Maybe Allen could give me a hand.

"Here's your uniform Shiyuki-chan." Jonny handed me some folded clothing, at which I stared for a moment, my mind elsewhere, but fortunately I figured out what was going on before anyone could ask me anything. "There's a bathroom over there that you can change in since you have to get going soon."

I was actually surprised by the uniform. I shouldn't have been, not really anyway, but I was. The shirt was average, obviously, same design as everyone else's only made to fit _me_ and not a standard size. It was weird to think about it, so I tried not to, but that was kind of difficult. The shorts were… well shorter than I might have wanted them to be, but they were probably a bit longer than Lenalee's skirt. Still, having that much of my thighs exposed was really weird and I could only hope that I wouldn't have to sit on any leather ever again (I hated the feeling of having to pull myself off the leather, it was something I compared to pulling the plastic off a fruit roll from the store; plain out weird).

All Lenalee gave me time to do was express that yes, it fit rather comfortably and express a rushed attempt at thanks before being taken off to Komui's office. It only occurred to me about halfway there that black uniforms couldn't exactly clash with a person's hair or skin color, regardless of how awkward it may have been. I didn't hate the way it looked on me even with my head of reddish hair and I'd kind of expected to considering it looked good on Lena-chan and her hair was practically the exact opposite of mine.

As soon as I walked inside Komui's office, I got a look from Kanda that seemed… very Kanda-like. There was no particular meaning behind it that I could see, so much as it was that Kanda noticed I'd come in and noticed the wardrobe change, other than that, he really didn't care and wanted to get on with the mission; very Kanda-like.

"Shiyuki-chan! You're here! Now, let's briefly go over the mission details!" he clapped his hands together and there was a scary glint in his eyes. Something was weird. Why didn't he go over the details with Kanda already and simply give me a packet? "You're not going very far, just to the nearest town, ironically. We've heard a lot of reports of children disappearing—"

"So what?" Kanda snapped, already irritated; not a new record, but Komui wasn't trying.

The Supervisor merely continue speaking as though an angry Asian hadn't decided to snap at him. "The amount of Akuma sightings has also risen. For that reason, we think something might be wrong, we don't have any solid details, but we've heard rumors of brokers roaming the country, people who will kill people and convince those close to said person to bring them back with the Earl's help. Your mission is to find this broker and stop him. Short and simple."

"It has nothing to do with Innocence?" I asked, confusion lacing my tone. As far as I knew, exorcists were really only sent on missions to retrieve Innocence, so it didn't really make sense to me that we wouldn't be doing that.

Komui didn't miss a beat though. "We don't like the idea of having a broker so close to home, Shiyuki-chan! With so many Akuma near headquarters, the Earl might be planning something."

"Oh… that makes sense, I guess."

"Of course it does."

Komui was about to start another sentence but Reever opened the door and stepped inside, his face pale and dead looking. "Supervisor… stop stalling and finish your paperwork…" he droned, he sounded like a robot, or even a zombie capable of thought, though the latter idea was definitely the more frightening of the two. Komui deflated a bit at Reever's words, but sent Kanda and I on our way while asking Lenalee for more coffee; thankfully we were handed manila folders containing our mission details within.

* * *

"An… orphanage?" I questioned, tone more biting than I'd intended, earning me a puzzled look from our Finder. I ignored the look, pretending I hadn't seen it at all, or that I simply didn't realize there was a Finder there, hopefully he would simply think I detested children; I was friends with Kanda after all, that had to be a good assumption to make.

Kanda, of course, rose an eyebrow in my direction, obviously displeased with my reaction. It was a mission, regardless of where it took place or what it was, it should be completed without fail, my obvious disdain for the location was unnecessary; but too bad for him, I wasn't going to pretend I didn't like the idea of a broker working in an orphanage. I didn't like orphanages in general, but the thought of some bastard killing kids to turn their friends into Akuma was… there weren't very many words capable of describing how atrocious that was, how absolutely despicable, but what else could I expect when some humans were ten times as horrible as Akuma.

Or arrival was very well timed, the sun was just beginning to set, ideal for my Innocence anyway. As we followed the Finder, he tried to start up a conversation, but with Kanda around it didn't seem very easy for him. "Kanda-dono, Shiyuki-dono, I'm the Finder Rief."

"Nice to meet you, Rief-san." I replied politely, but Kanda merely replied with an annoyed _Che_ that was expected from both Rief and I. The day Kanda didn't make that sound was probably the day the world miraculously went deaf, never mind, even then he'd still be making that sound.

The finder smiled at me, a look of relief flashing through his eyes, at least someone was sort of friendly, right? Or at the very least, more friendly than Kanda, not that that was too terribly difficult. "This should be a relatively easy mission for the two of you. As soon as I've led you to the orphanage, I will pull back and take up a position down the street, ready to contact headquarters at any time."

I blinked at him. "Why would you need to contact HQ? It's just a simple mission, right?"

"So that Komui-dono knows the broker has been detained and can send someone down to ask him a few questions."

"Can't Kanda do that?" I asked, jerking a thumb at the angry one. "I mean, he could scare the truth right out of anyone, why not let him get this guy too?" It made perfect sense to me, but Kanda sent me a glare that said he wasn't going to do anything he didn't feel like doing and he obviously did not feel like threatening the crap out of some random asshole. We could get the answers so much quicker than most people and I could make an attempt at being scary! Unless I needed really dark eyeliner and Halloween makeup for it, because I wasn't going to go through that much trouble to scare someone when I could just smack them around a bit.

It wasn't happening though, Kanda didn't feel the need to waste his time on that when he could just as easily go back to HQ and pick up another mission, now that I was there of my own violation there was nothing to keep him from doing so and I suspected he would "enjoy" the break from me as much as Kanda could "enjoy" anything.

* * *

**A/N:** I'm not going to bother making excuses anymore (have I said this before?) I will update when I have the time. No, this chapter is not filler (surprisingly enough) I actually expected it to get a little father, but I really only intend to write a couple thousand words for each chapter of Blade Chord. There's a lot more outlined on this little notepad I have sitting next to me and if the next chapter goes like this one, then I may have another two in preparation. Holy crap right?

Anyways, I'm probably going to focus on this story more than the other two for a while if only because I'm re-watching DGM for the... fifth time? I should really just buy the DVDs, but money is hard to come by and I'd rather spend it on things I can't get on without, like college books, those stupid things put the biggest dent in your pocket Dx

I don't know when the next update will be, but it might be soon if I keep up with the schedule I have now. However I've got a series of appointments set up over the next month, dentist, doctor, DMV, Counselor and who KNOWS what else, but since I've had free time the last few days, I worked on this (and watching DGM again xD) To those who've stuck with me from the beginning, kudos, because I would have ditched me o_o as awkward as that sounds.


	15. Chapter 14: Doubt and Trust

Something was wrong. That was the only explanation I could come up with for how awkward it was to be sitting in an orphanage, waiting for the owner, with Kanda sitting next to me. I was possibly even more awkward than being mistaken for a young married couple looking to adopt a child and having Kanda just keep walking because he didn't give enough of a damn to deny it. If that wasn't awkward, then I didn't know what was, but it had brought a furious blush to my cheeks that I desperately hoped Kanda hadn't seen because if I had to explain _that_ to him, I might decide to kill myself first.

Realistically though, I did feel something was wrong. We had been allowed right into the office of the supposed broker while the man was out, apparently eating dinner with the orphans. So we were sitting there, waiting for him to return, with no one else in the office to keep us from snooping through his stuff. The thought to do so had crossed my mind, but considering how Kanda had merely sat down and glared off into nothingness rather than being a snoop, I sat down as well, since he didn't object, I guessed he had a plan in mind that he didn't feel the need to share with me. Go figure. Though it was probably something like: _Let him see the silver order mark on our uniforms and watch him squirm until the Akuma appeared and bust him._ The thoughts were probably much more Kanda-like in his mind, but that likely meant they were nothing more than: _Che_ and that wasn't the answer I wanted if I asked a question.

We only sat for a few minutes before Kanda's eyes drifted over to mine and he glared(stared/looked/glanced all of the above considering it's Kanda) at me for a moment. "What can you sense?"

Shocked, I stared at him, was that an actual question? Not a demand? No, it was a demand in the form of a question so I decided to get on with it before he got too pissed off. Closing my eyes, I activated my Innocence, slowly sending tendrils of my senses out into the shadows around me, throughout the orphanage and down the street. With this, my mind could pick up vague shapes, nothing solid, but I could tell how many people were within a certain distance and if I willed myself into a sleep like state, I could pick up sounds and smells as well, but I wasn't going to push myself that far for something like this. "Twelve small bodies… four adults, not including us, inside this building. The shapes are vaguer the farther they are from me… there are about seven more people on this block at the moment… no… ten."

"Akuma?"

"I can't tell that from here." I replied, pulling back my Innocence and blinking my eyes a couple of times to make sure I was seeing what I was supposed to be. "Something about the human skin makes it so I can't feel anything about them, my Innocence can only send me shapes, so if they're transformed, then I could tell you, but there are no transformed Akuma in the area." I tried to ignore the disapproving look he was giving me, but it was a lot harder than I expected. "My Innocence isn't Allen's eye. I can't see souls."

"_Che_, jealous of the _moyashi_?"

"Where did _that_ come from, Ba-Kanda." I shot back, severely tempted to smack him, but fearing the repercussions of doing so. "His eye is useful, but I'd rather not see the souls of the dead." I had enough issues to deal with without seeing things and truthfully, I pitied Allen; that ability was probably mentally straining and I certainly did not envy him.

Kanda fell silent once again and even though I was used to him being relatively quiet, it was still unnerving to be sitting in a place like this one without someone talking. I detested orphanages, but that was probably because I'd been in one for a while and that hadn't been a pleasant experience. We didn't have to wait for hours though, it might have _felt_ like it, but only twenty or so minutes had actually passed before the door opened again and a man with a bulge for a stomach waddled inside. I had to force myself not to stare at the man in disbelief; I don't what I'd been expecting the broker to look like, but _that_ certainly wasn't it. I suppose the Earl didn't care what a person looked like so long as they were useful, kind of like how the Order didn't care so long as they were compatible with Innocence. I didn't take the time to wonder just how the Order would take being compared to the Millennium Earl.

"Are you here to adopt?" the man asked. I should have expected the question, I _really_ should have, but I didn't and my cheeks began to flush, so I hung my head and took a deep breath. Composure was something I needed, at least most of the time.

Kanda replied before I could fully recover from the embarrassment. "No." He didn't give any information other than that. The "broker" gave him an odd look of confusion and I refrained from giving my friend the same look. I _knew_ we weren't there to… adopt… but I guess I thought we needed some kind of viable excuse to be sitting in his office, waiting for him. Apparently Kanda didn't think the same thing. Whatever then, so long as I didn't have to do the talking.

It seemed at that point that the man really took in our appearances. Rather than just looking at us as potential victims, he saw us for what we were; exorcists. It was something he probably should have noticed when he entered the room, who else had almost matching uniforms with the same emblem on the front? It was pretty damn obvious to me. His beady eyes widened just a bit, but he made an attempt to control himself, even though he was already sweating under Kanda's permanent glare. He couldn't be blamed for that part at least, most people were sweating under that glare in half that time. Why my best friend was so utterly frightening, I wasn't really sure, I didn't think he was that frightening, but it might have been because I knew him when he was a kid and not _as_ scary. "I see." I doubted it. "Then what are you here for." He already knew that. His face had already given him away, but apparently he didn't expect a couple of kids to recognize the fear that had temporarily painted him as guilty.

I could see his hands moving and silently activated my Innocence again, sending a single bit of my mind into the shadows of his desk, looking for what he was searching for and attempting to find it first. I did. Boo-yah. "Kanda, he has a gun." While my friend merely nodded slightly, the broker's expression fell to pieces, the horrified shock on his face would have been funny if he hadn't just closed his fingers around the weapon, oh wait, it was still funny because a mere manmade gun didn't have the power to break through the shield my Innocence could create, the shield it was already creating.

The broker pulled the gun from the desk and aimed, for me. I raised the shield. Staring down the barrel of the gun had caused my breath to catch in my throat. I didn't matter how many Akuma I had fought in my lifetime, it didn't matter how many more I _would_ fight, humans would _always_ frighten me more. The sound of the bullets bouncing off my shield frightened me, I couldn't keep my expression calm and collected, I heard Kanda counting the bullets softly, his voice almost soothing, almost, but not quite. "Saya!" It wasn't until he snapped at me that my mind unfroze and normal thought resumed. The shield dissipated, but wisps of darkness still hung around me, floating unnaturally in the air, waiting until they had more work to do.

Fear was etched into the broker's face, his eyes locked on mine, still pulling the trigger of his now empty gun. It wasn't until the pistol clattered to the ground that he managed to form any words. "M-monster!" Like I hadn't heard that one before. He repeated the word again and again; I tried to block his words out, but it wasn't working, I could hear his every word, each one hitting me harder than the last. _Monster_. If someone like him could call _me_ that, then something was wrong with the world. I didn't choose this ability, it chose me. Unlike _him_. He _chose_ to ruin lives. He _chose_ to take them. If that made _me_ the monster, then it made him an _abomination_.

Silently I pushed myself to my feet, standing next to Kanda, whom already had Mugen unsheathed. My feelings toward humans were largely unknown, I never talked about them, but I trusted Akuma more than I did anyone but Kanda, Lenalee and General Yeegar. Akuma could be trusted to kill, but you never knew when a regular human would sell you out, stab you in the back, or pull of that carefully crafted mask to reveal a monster worse than any Akuma. This man, this broker, was one of those people who hid behind a false face, pretended to be someone or something he wasn't, _he _was the real monster, but try as I might to convince myself that he was wrong, his words still hit me harder than they should have. Much harder. Screaming erupted from another part of the building and Kanda sent me a sideways glare. "_Oi_." I nodded to Kanda and those wisps of darkness melded into the floor, spreading out around me and Kanda stepped in front of me, likely because he'd already figured out there was only so much I could do with my Innocence at once and if he wanted to know if there were any transformed Akuma on their way then he'd better keep the broker from coming at me with whatever else he may have had.

Again I began to search for shapes, keeping the previous number of people in mind. Eight small bodies now, "Four…" the broker was already here, that dropped the number of adults to three, but one was no longer human shaped, "Five…" Outside there were… three… no five. "Seven Akuma. At least." He nodded, eyes on the broker.

"I'll take care of him." With a nod, I assumed that meant Kanda would be knocking the man out and likely tying him to something to prevent his escape during however long it took to destroy the Akuma. It didn't occur to me then that it would have made more sense for me to keep the broker contained and let Kanda deal with the Akuma.

In the other room, a group of children had gathered into a corner, tears streaming down their faces, two adult women were staring in wide eyed horror at the five large gray, brown and black machines, with large guns pointed at them. Using my arms as a director, I flung the tendrils of darkness out, piercing one's shell and immediately jumping over to the children to shield them from the explosion. Two grabbed onto my legs. "H-hey! You need to lemme go!" it didn't work, so I placed half my concentration on the remaining four Akuma, but like I had been for the last decade or so, I was wary of even the children clinging to me, expecting them to turn into killing machines any second. I flicked one hand forward again, catching another one with yet another spear, then shielding the children from the explosion.

A sound from behind me sent me whirling around to face yet another Akuma, one of the children had morphed. Shielding my back to the best of my abilities, I flung another spear at that one, hollering for the rest of the kids to duck. With all the noise and three consecutive explosions, I really hoped that Kanda didn't think I had things under control. In order to fight I'd had to retract my Innocence, bringing it closer to me, therefore I couldn't sense any of the oncoming Akuma, but I knew there were at least two outside and I suspected six; one of the bodies I'd found had to have been the Finder.

The smoke from the explosion cleared and again I was looking down the barrel of a gun, but this one much bigger than a pistol and jutting out of a child's head. Even with Kanda's training I thought to defend before attack and instantly my Innocence formed a shield around me, blocking the bullet, but the impact still sent me flying. It wasn't until my back collided with a wall that I saw a door open and Kanda exited the room. He really had a habit of always finding me at my worst, he should work on that. Luckily I got to my feet before he could say anything. "Took you long enough." I grunted.

"_Urusai_."

"We can't fight them inside, there isn't enough room. I'll push them to the door, but I don't know how many kids will morph." He nodded in response, heading for the exit while I formed my Innocence into a wall, it would have been really helpful if I had enough control to then create some kind of spikes or something and attack the Akuma like that, but unfortunately, I wasn't that capable. All I could really do was push them toward the door and force them to either file out or create a new exit. Only after they were all outside did I turn to the six remaining kids, already half of them were gone and I didn't know how many more would go. They were all in tears. I glanced over to where the two adults had been, one was nothing but dust now and all that remained of the other was an empty shell, obviously another Akuma. "We're going outside. I know it's dangerous there, but don't worry, we'll protect you." At least the ones that weren't really Akuma in disguise waiting for the right moment to attack and attempt to annihilate Kanda and I.

The other exorcist was already attacking whatever Akuma was dull enough to get close to him and I began to focus on the ones close to us, until bullets began to rain down. "Kanda!" I shouted, barely audible over the rising cacophony, but he managed to hear me and came close enough for me to cover him with the shield as well. "It looks like they were waiting just out of reach." So much for a simple first mission. I hoped Rief was contacting HQ already, or had done so earlier because if the Akuma kept showing up, I didn't know how long we'd be able to hold out.

"_Che_." Was all I got out of Kanda.

"I can stay defensive and guard you from attacks while keeping these kids safe, but I can't attack from a distance if I'm doing that."

"What?"

"I can release the second level of my Innocence. It's more like level one and a half, but that's not the point. I can defend at a distance and attack and defend close range. Not for long, but I should be able to last even if all these kids morph. You focus on attacking and I'll watch your back." His eyes narrowed at me, searching for any sign of weakness, any proof that I couldn't do what I was saying I could. He'd probably noticed I'd been a little off since I'd seen the words orphanage printed on that paper and he'd likely pieced things together, but he didn't have to be so distrusting. Usually, if I said I could do it, I could. "Unless you _want_ to keep sitting here and wait for it to blow over?"

That got him. Kanda nodded once and stepped out of the shield as I closed my eyes and took a breath, searching my mind for that little lock that kept my Innocence at its current stage and willed it open. One thing I was wary about when releasing it, was the power high. My Innocence suddenly surged with strength, the feeling was empowering, it felt _good_, but I had to keep it under control, I couldn't let it run wild as it pleased. However, the distance I could send it increased significantly. "You'll have to guard your front. If my Innocence gets in your way, you might not be able to see through it." He nodded again before darting off. It didn't take too long for him to summon up some evil bugs of doom and send them flying into a row of Akuma and I had to suppress a shudder; I hated bugs, at least the big ones, but I couldn't waste my time thinking about that. It wasn't often one saw Kanda leave his back wide open, usually it was just as guarded as his front, but that only meant he trusted me to protect him and that's what I would do. At this level, to control my Innocence, I had to wield it like I would a puppet. My arms stretched out before, fingers positioned like claws almost, with each little twitchy movement, my Innocence would move. Shadows congealed into something like a circular shield a foot or so from Kanda's back, to keep the impact on the shield from affecting him and a half sphere appeared above the children and myself. Since Kanda was out in the open, the Akuma focused on him, only a few deciding it was a good idea to shoot at the kids and I, that or enough of the kids were secretly Akuma and were waiting to attack.

At first it seemed hopeless, it seemed like no matter what Kanda did, there were more Akuma. He could kill ten and eleven would take their place, but I kept reminding myself that the Earl wasn't stupid; he wouldn't waste too many Akuma on defending a stupid broker. Not when he could probably find a hundred more assholes willing to do the same thing. Again my faith in humanity was nonexistent. For a price a person would sell out their own family.

* * *

It wasn't until I began to grow tired that the number of Akuma began to decrease. A bit of an ironic blessing, but the Akuma _were_ decreasing. The problem was that Kanda was getting out of the range of my Innocence and he was already out of range of my voice. It was a failure on my part, I shouldn't have expected him to just _know_ things. I was used to it, sure, but I really needed to get off that way of thinking. Kanda wasn't a mind reader, he couldn't know my limitations and it had been my duty to warn him. I hadn't. "Die! Exorcist!" the creepy voice resounded behind me and I flung my foot out behind him, kicking a half transformed Akuma away (all thanks to Kanda's hellish training really) my left pinky twitched and a spire of darkness rose from the ground and penetrated its chest. I didn't bother wasting my energy and creating another shield, the debris from its exploded body flew passed me, a searing pain engulfed my left cheek and a warm liquid began to seep down my face. My focus returned to Kanda almost immediately, but my heart was pounding in my chest so hard I thought I would hurl, my breath was coming in haggard gasps. I didn't know how much longer I could hold up, but I was _going_ to guard Kanda's back until the end.

I blocked another Akuma bullet from hitting Kanda's back and moments later pain surged through my spine. I doubled over in pain, but kept my eyes on Kanda's back, there were only a few more. _It will be over soon_. I kept telling myself, over and over, convincing myself that I only needed to hold out just a little longer. Sweat beaded my forehead and dripped down my back, my body ached all over, but I was only defending, Kanda was doing all the real fighting, he was probably ten times as exhausted and he kept going, so I had to do the same. Only ten more.

A sound from my left distracted me for a moment, another child had morphed. Without thinking I flung my arm out, forgetting that I had released my Innocence's level for a moment and using far more energy in my haste, the Akuma exploded and I took a shaky breath then whipped my head around to check on Kanda. Another bullet was heading for him. Remembering my control level, my right index finger flicked out slightly and the shield moved to block him. Pain flared in my right leg and it gave out, my knee crashing to the floor, sending a stinging sensation up my body. Only five more.

Almost done. It was almost over. My chest felt tight, breathing hurt, but it was almost over, there were only a few Akuma left, only a few, I could handle that long. I had to. Another bullet. Another shield. Another wave of pain.

But it was over. A ragged breath escaped me and I began to pull my Innocence back, but I forgot about something important. The kids. Another Akuma morphed, and I whirled around, eyes wide, but it wasn't aiming at me, no it aimed at Kanda and fired. I scrambled to get the shield up in time, but he was so far away. I felt something snap and my Innocence disappeared, my body froze, I couldn't move and everything happened in slow motion. Kanda whirled around and cut the bullet in two, his eyes narrowed in my direction as I fell to the ground, pain engulfing my every sense. Then everything went black.

* * *

**A/N:** Two chapters so close together? Holy crap right? Yup. Holy crap. Consider it something like my apology for making you guys wait so long for me to update. The ending to this chapter is a little awkward, I know, but when you're in a situation like that (life or death, or completely exhausted and whatnot) things aren't really clear and smooth. Anyone who plays competitive sports against other teams, like soccer, football; contact sports mostly, knows what I'm talking about. After 90 minutes or so of exertion your mind just... doesn't take everything in as well as it did in the beginning. That's what I had happening to Saya. I hope that came out right anyways.

Anyways~ I'm making plans for another omake, I just don't know when I'll write that up xD I'm writing in between episodes of DGM and of course, talking about it with my mental twin Emmy Bookman Jr. is getting me all excited about writing this fic and my "fangirling" has gotten her excited and now _she's_ re-watching DGM so to anyone that's watching both_ Blade Chord_ and _The Tale of the Haiyate and Tessei_ you might be getting a few more chapters soon.


	16. Chapter 15: Stand By Me

Shouting. I remembered a lot of shouting. I couldn't remember _who_ was shouting, but there had certainly been a great deal of it, why though? Had something happened? Was something so important that it needed to be yelled? Or had I been too far away? I'd probably been too far away, so they were trying to shout to be heard over the distance; that explained everything. But why… why could I still hear some shouting? Was something wrong?

_"Why hasn't she woken up?"_

_ "We don't know yet."_

_ "Then find out."_

_ "Dude, calm down."_

_ "ALL OF YOU GET OUT! THE PATIENT NEEDS REST!"_

Patient? What patient? Oh. Crap. A groan escaped my lips even though I really wished they could have remained shut for just a moment longer, just long enough for whoever was in the room to clear out, hopefully no one heard. Of course they did. My eyes were far too heavy to open, but I could hear footsteps coming closer, some slow, some rushed, but they never got too close. The shouting resumed again and then, one more, darkness.

I should have been used to it, after who knew how many years, I really should have, but something about the way I'd lost consciousness sent my mind into a spiral of nightmares. No experience in the last few years could even compare to some of the things I'd had to live through as a child and the Black Order had only served to make my life worse. Now that I was older, I'd been able to come to grips with the fact that changes occurred everywhere, in places, people and occasionally things, I could understand that the Black Order as I knew it was gone, replaced with this knew one that actually _cared_ about the exorcists, cared for them as people, as comrades, as friends, not weapons to be used by a bunch of stiffs that weren't capable of fighting their own battles. As a child though, I could only comprehend the Order and those who worked for it as monsters, nothing more, nothing less.

Once again those dark figures loomed over me with their calculating eyes, pushing and prodding me, searching for answers to questions I would never know. When they were done, they sent me away, but wherever I went I could still hear those cold voices following me, whispering about how useless I was as an exorcist, questioning why the Innocence had chosen me and wondering if it was merely an accident that it lodged itself in my brain. They had debating removing it so many times and once I'd learned that my Innocence was all that kept me alive, I was frightened of those people. Their voices haunted my dreams as they did now. Their cold eyes sent shivers down my spine.

_"Should we remove the Innocence and find a better host? Her synchro-ratio is abnormally low. She must not be compatible." Remove the Innocence? The wanted to kill me._

_ "No, we should wait. She's only a child, it's possible that the Innocence won't sync with her until she is old enough to fight." See, they didn't want me either. They wanted to use me to fight. They wanted to use me until I broke, until I died._

_ "Can we really afford to wait that long?" They didn't need me. They only needed the Innocence, the power it had, they would throw me away the moment the chance presented itself and at the moment, it was._

_ "Can we afford not to? If she really is the host, then we will never find another one." Another one. Another compatible host. Not another person, not another child. To them I was not a human. I was not a living thing. Whatever this Innocence really was, it turned me into a tool to be used by others. It took away my right to live, my right to become my own person. Because of this _thing_ in my brain, my life wasn't even my own, I belonged to someone else because of it._

_ I hated it._

_ I hated the Innocence._

_ I hated The Black Order._

That had… lessened slightly, but it wasn't gone, it probably never would be. It was like telling someone who almost drowned to swim again. The hatred I felt for the Order was like a wound that had barely begun to heal, it would scar deeply for the rest of my life, but maybe I could get over it, if things went well. The hate may have diminished, but my fear had not. Pushed into a dark corner of my mind, I had forgotten it for a time, but it returned with the voices and the nightmares. That constricting feeling in my chest threatened to overwhelm me and I couldn't breathe, it hurt to make the attempt and I could feel my heart pounding against my chest, fighting against the cage of ribs and trying desperately to break through them.

My eyes snapped open and my brain froze, when had my eyes _closed_? My heart skipped a beat, but never slowed even as my eyes darted around, taking in the familiar white walls and ceiling, the placement of the clean, white hospital beds lining the walls. It didn't take too much to clue me in, just with that I knew I was either in a hospital or back at the Order's Infirmary and considering the last person I remembered being with was Kanda, I was more likely than not to be at the Order. Why was I in the infirmary though? We'd been fighting the Akuma… I don't remember trying to run away and I sure as hell wasn't going to try so soon after deciding to stay in the place of my own free will; that would have been stupid, cowardly and a waste of a _lot_ of time and if I had made the attempt, considering the situation, I would be in Switzerland and know exactly what was going on. Since I was currently clueless as to the situation, it was safe to assume that had never happened.

Taking another look around to get my bearings, I noticed something that I should have noticed with the first glance around the room, but hadn't. An I.V. was inserted into my left arm, the drip thing just next to it and I soon realized why it was hard to breathe. An oxygen mask was covering my face (sort of) my movement must have jostled it enough to awkwardly close one nostril. There was a lot of other stuff around me, a lot of it mechanical, but I didn't know what any of it was and was not inclined to find out. I just wanted to get away from it all. So I immediately reached one hand up to remove the annoying mask, only to hear, "Tut tut! Saya-chan! Have you outgrown normal injuries? You continuously outdo yourself. Last time you returned looking like a _suicide_ victim and this time no one even _knows_ what's wrong! What _happened?_"

"That's what I want to know." My hoarse voice grumbled, seething with irritation, enough so that I didn't understand why I sounded so irritated. Immediately blaming it on the hoarse sound of my voice, I looked up at the Head Nurse (confirming once and for all that I was right and this was the Order's HQ) who did _not_ look happy. In fact, if I didn't know any better, I would have assumed she wanted to freaking _throttle_ me for being injured or at least not knowing _why_. "How did I get here?"

"How do you think!" she asked incredulously, "The same way you've _always_ been brought here!"

Oh yeah… I had never really brought _myself_ to the infirmary, usually it had to be someone else bringing me, half the time it was because I'd managed to get myself knocked unconscious, but the other half of the time it was because I'd simply refused to go. I hated the smell in the place, I couldn't really put my finger on why I hated it, but I did, enough to try to get out being forced there. Unfortunately I couldn't really do anything about it while unconscious, so… occasionally that's how Kanda got me there. Perhaps this was the same reason? No… The nurse had just said no one knew what was wrong and if Kanda had knocked me out, there would have been a reason and she would have known it. "Okay then…?"

She sighed and placed her hands on her hips, glaring down at me with a fury that might have even scared Kanda; as I recalled she _had_ managed to scare him a number of times when we were kids. She was a scary woman! She could probably scare death away with one of her looks, even though she scared half the people in HQ _to_ death. "I _suppose_ I could let him in now."

I checked to make sure I was actually clothed with the way she spoke (out of fear, not because I really believed I wasn't wearing anything) and sure enough I was fully dressed. During that time, she'd managed to walk all the way across the infirmary to those giant doors that closed very loudly; I still remembered being able to hear them open and close hundreds of times the _last_ time I was here. I heard her saying something, the only words that I could really make out were the ones demanding relative silence (if she wanted that then Lavi better not be one of the people she was letting into the infirmary) and threatening with no visiting rights. Honestly, I couldn't figure out why she needed to do such a thing. The only people I really expected to come see me were Kanda and Lenalee; possibly Jerry because he never seemed to be able to pass up the chance to feed my belly (which growled at the mere _thought_ of food, how pleasant). No one else really had any obligation to spend time with me, or see how I was recovering and sadly, sometimes I didn't think Kanda would go through the trouble of wasting his time.

When people began _filing_ in I was more than just surprised. First was, as expected, Kanda, followed by Lenalee. Allen and Lavi weren't really unexpected so much as I figured they had better things to do. What I _really_ didn't see coming was the remainder of the people walking inside. No wonder the Head Nurse had only demanded _relative_ silence rather than flat out silence. Jonny and Tapp had both decided to visit, Reever came as well, Emi was there, Jerry too, two Finders I couldn't recognize, then Rief was there and I swear I just kind of stared at them all. Wondering why twelve people would come and visit _me_.

The shock I was feeling must have shown on my face since Lenalee began smiling like I _wasn't_ lying in the infirmary, hooked up to who knew how many freaking machines and completely oblivious to the purpose of them all. "What… the?"

"A lot more people like you than you realized Saya-chan!"

"Komui-shiichou would be here too, but with the three of us gone, we made him stay behind to do the work he never does."

I blinked at Reever, eyes a little wider than before, "You're going to return to the Great Flood. And it will be salty."

It stayed similar to that, small, idle conversations, most people asking me if I was alright. Instead of being rude and _asking_ who the hell those Finders were, I waited to see if they would introduce themselves or if someone else (more likely than not Allen) knew their names and would say them before I was expected to. Michael and Josef, were their names, apparently and while I wasn't sure what was going on, I was pretty sure I'd never spoken to either of them once. However, it was god to see that Rief had managed to survive with that many Akuma in the vicinity; he and Kanda must have had some clue as to why I was in here, but I really didn't want to ask with some many people around.

It wasn't until my stomach let out a gurgle ten times louder than the chatter that people looked more relieved than I had seen them the entire time. Even Kanda was wearing his relieved glare. A small giggle escaped Lenalee's mouth as she smiled and waved to a few other people, "Saya-chan needs food and rest, so let's go get her some food okay? Kanda-kun, you stay here and keep her company." Something in her voice led me to believe there were silent clipboard based threats behind that smile. Everyone but my best friend filtered out of the room, a few get well wishes were given and a few claims of returning with food were as well, it wasn't until they'd all left that I turned my head slightly, focusing on Kanda. "What happened?"

The door opened just as he replied with, "I don't know."

"Your Innocence stopped working according to Kanda-kun's report." Komui's voice filled the room, but the strangest part about it was that he didn't seem the slightest bit insane at the moment. Instead he looked serious and _that_ was kind of frightening. "Tell us what you can remember."

I blinked away my confusion, deciding it better just to give him the information since it couldn't hurt me in anyway. "We went to that orphanage, the guy was the broker and when we confronted him, the Akuma started appearing. I remember that we fought with them, but I don't remember the fight ending."

"Che, because you passed out."

"More correctly," Komui interrupted before I could make an attempt at arguing with Kanda, "it seems you overworked your Innocence. You aren't used to using it so much in such a short period of time and it short circuited as a result. It might not have happened had you not released the second level of your Innocence, but since you did, the time you used it and distance you pushed it seemed to have caused some kind of damage to the Innocence itself." My eyes widened in both shock and fear. I knew that my Innocence was what kept my alive, it was the only thing that kept my body functioning at an almost normal level. To have damaged it was the same as to condemn myself to death. "We were very worried to hear that you lost consciousness at night, when your Innocence does not allow you to sleep. Kanda had told the Finder to contact us about the situation, so I came down myself. We managed to sustain you until you were brought here… all that equipment is what kept your body functioning through the three days you were unconscious."

"Three days?"

Komui nodded. "As soon as you're well enough to move and as soon as we've found reason to believe you can function without the machinery, I want you to come with me to see Hevlaska."

"Ah… alright." I replied slowly, whether I liked it or not, it was a lot to take in. My _Innocence_ was _damaged_. It wasn't the kind of Innocence that could be repaired considering its location, which meant I would either be glued to this bed for the rest of my sure to be short life because the Order's higher ups didn't keep useless exorcists, or I'd get lucky and it might manage to heal on its own. I didn't notice Komui leaving the room, I was too wrapped up in my own problems. The possibilities of what could happen to me were severely limited, so much so that I didn't think there could have been more than the two options that had first come to mind.

A hollow laugh pushed passed my lips, tears pricking the corners of my eyes. Go figure. I finally come back to this place of my own free will only for my Innocence to break, only to once again have my life placed in the hands of those bastards that didn't care if I lived or died, in fact they would probably prefer it if I died. It was practically life's way of telling me to just give up.

"_Oi_, what's so funny." Kanda didn't ask questions. No he simply demanded I tell him what that laugh was all about, the one, painful laugh in spite of myself.

"The irony." I murmured, raising a hand slowly to cover my eyes. "Obviously the Order doesn't need me, I can't handle their idea of easy. They'll just take my Innocence and be on their merry way." I felt like I was choking. The lump forming in my throat the kind that wouldn't go away no matter how hard I tried to swallow it, the cap I'd placed on my emotions was about to burst, I could feel it, but still I held them back, still I refused to cry. I wouldn't let myself show that weakness. Not anymore. Not now. Not ever.

Kanda was silent for a few moments after I'd spoken and for a moment I thought he might have actually believed what I'd said, but only for a moment. I wanted him to tell me I was wrong, I hoped that he would, but Kanda wasn't really the type to give words of encouragement to anyone, not even me. "Komui wouldn't let that happen."

Yet another hollow laugh left my lips, I couldn't help it. "What can he really do against _that_ bastard, Kanda?"

Again there was silence. This silence though, reminded me that there was so much Kanda didn't know, there was so much I hadn't told him because I couldn't gather up the courage to. I was too afraid of his reaction to tell him so many things that he needed to know if he really wanted to understand why I acted the way I did, why I was so determined to run away from this place and why I had been so apprehensive to return. It was quite amazing actually, how he'd managed to keep from demanding answers, I'd expected the demands the moment I returned and I knew that he was still irritated I hadn't told him, but he wasn't pressing the issue. His silence made me feel that he thought my words were related to the things we'd never spoken and while they were, I really didn't want him to remain silent, but I couldn't keep myself from saying things that would cause him to do so. "_Che_." There was the response I'd expected. "I won't let it happen."

* * *

**A/N:** It's a little shorter than I'd meant for it to be, buuuut... I kinda felt like THAT was the place to end it. Kekekeke Kanda's kinda OOC in my opinion, just a little bit, or a lot o-o I don't even know anymore, but he's not so much of a butt that he'd sit there and let someone wallow in despair. I don't think he is anyway o-o

The title is actually just the song I was listening to the moment I finished the chapter because I was too lazy to think of one myself. Oh and for anyone who was wondering, in the previous chapter, the one in which the "weapon of mass destruction" was mentioned, I feel the need to let you know that it's something that changes in every household. In the Black Order it's Komui's robots and Lenalee's clipboard. In my house, it's Febreeze.

Also: DAMN YOU ANEMOS! I got to click the "reply to review here" link from my e-mail only it's not there -_- That was thoroughly irritating! I wanted to _**THANK YOU FOR THE NICE REVIEW**_ and you didn't let me T^T Why would you do that?


	17. Chapter 16: Irrationality

The most awkward part of my stay in the infirmary was, by far, the way people _stared_ at me while I ate. I had to _force_ myself to understand that they were worried about the state of my body and my Innocence. If it was still taking up enough of my energy to cause me to eat as much as Allen, then it was likely that it was still working, enough for them to check and see if I was at least able to survive if disconnected from all the crap surrounding the hospital bed. I wasn't mean enough to act like I wasn't hungry long enough to freak them all out, but the thought _did_ cross my mind. Instead, I just began to shovel all the food I hadn't in the last three days. Being unconscious works up quite an appetite after three days. It wasn't until I'd down my thirtieth plate of food that relief flooded their features and (for some strange freaking reason that I will never know nor do I really want to) they began to cheer. Honestly, it was among the stranger things I'd seen in my days, but I figured I'd let them have their fun by completely ignoring them and stuffing my face for as long as I could until I was finally content with the slightly round bulge that my tummy had turned into after the consumption of all that food. It would be gone after I'd finished digesting, but I didn't like feeling fat.

I was kind of glad everyone had shown up when they did. I had no idea how to respond to Kanda's comment earlier, in fact I'd merely stared at him, unable to respond in any way whatsoever. It wasn't like I'd expected that response, least of all from him, but it had effectively dammed the ever darkening thoughts rushing through my mind. He's actually managed to make my brain stop working entirely, as though it weren't able to process that those words had really come from Kanda's mouth. The scary part though… was that I believed him. Even though I knew that if the Order really wanted to be rid of me, they would be. Regardless of what _anyone_ else wanted. It made me happy though that he'd say something like that for my sake. I was lucky to be able to count Kanda as a friend and even luckier to be able to consider him my best friend.

Sometime after I'd finished eating, I'd fallen asleep, apparently three days of unconsciousness didn't account for anything other than not being able to wake up, so I was still freaking exhausted, like I'd spent those days _awake_ instead of passed out on a hospital bed. It wasn't fair. Especially since I woke up an hour and a half later, just as the sun went down and was completely unable to fall asleep again. Irritation must have been seeping through my pores at that point. My Innocence could get damaged inside my _brain_ but it couldn't be damaged enough to allow me some sleep. Great.

At that moment the door to the infirmary opened _again_ (I really should stopped getting so irritated about when it opens and closes but the door is loud enough to give me a headache so I really can't) and in walked Komui along with Kanda. I wasn't really sure what Kanda was doing there, but he probably had his own reasons, though he really should have been sleeping, the tard. He _could_ sleep so he should have taken advantage of it.

"Shiyuki-chan! Since you're awake and your appetite hasn't lessened, I'm going to disconnect you from the machines and then you'll have to come down with me to see Hevlaska." Komui seemed entirely too happy about the whole ordeal, but I decided not to think about it and merely assumed he was happy that I wasn't dead nor likely to die at the moment; meaning that he was glad there was another female around to distract as many people as possible from staring at Lenalee as she walked by. So I didn't think Komui really cared about anyone other than his sister, but he was crazy and I _knew_ he had a drawer filled with key-chains in her likeness. It. Was. Frightening.

"Alright then." Was the only response I could muster up.

Thankfully I was able to have the IV removed as well as the few things that were strapped to my other arm and leg and all the other lovely crap that had kept the machines attached to me. It wasn't until I actually had to move that anything went wrong. The problem was that I was barefoot and the stone floor was _cold_. The moment my toes touched down, I inhaled sharply and retracted my foot faster than Allen could finish off a stack of Mitarashi Dango. I received an annoyed glare from my best friend, but the look was quickly redirected when the head nurse poked her head out of her quarters across the room and a furious rant began. "SHE JUST GOT BETTER AND YOU WANT TO MAKE HER WALK TO THE BASEMENT BAREFOOT! HOW DARE YOU TRY TO GIVE MY PATIENT A COLD YOU FOOL!" It continued for quite a while, even after the loud old woman had gathered some slippers for me to use, and paused her rant to add on a very homely, "Here you are dear." Before she continued to berate Komui for apparently committing the heinous crime of making someone walk barefoot on a cold floor.

"I think I'm half deaf now…" I murmured when we were finally able to trudge out of the infirmary, "I don't understand why she has to yell so loud… Lenalee just beats him and I know the Head Nurse as a clipboard hidden in there somewhere…"

"Shiyuki-chan!" Komui half whined. "Don't be so mean!"

"If you keep whining… _I_ will go find a clipboard and beat you with it."

He didn't shut up, but he did stop whining. Instead, he just got down to business and began to do his job; not that I was aware he was capable of such things. "Shiyuki, in regards to your Innocence, normally when things like that happen, we take the Innocence away and restore it to its natural form, placing it in Hevvy. Parasitic-types are the times when such a thing cannot be done, especially with one such as yours. Because of your situation, if your synchro-ratio is abnormally low, I will ask you to refrain from using it for a while, or even attempting to. You'll be stationed here at HQ until I can determine whether or not it is once again safe for you to utilize your abilities. Understand?" I nodded once, a frown etched into my features, honestly I was making a face that could have been comparable to Kanda's on a less angry day. "Since you woke up, regained or never lost your appetite and have also lost the ability to sleep at night, my guess is that your Innocence will heal naturally. It might be a slow process, but we can't be sure until Hevvy takes a look at it, alright?"

"Yeah, yeah. I get it." I replied, silently relieved that I wasn't going to be immediately labeled useless.

Komui continued. "The reason for the… malfunction let's call it, was probably the lack of constant use over the years. You haven't had to use your Innocence for longer than a few minutes at a time since you left the Order the first time. I'm assuming that your Innocence was not accustomed to the strain and buckled under the pressure." I nodded once, so far everything he was saying made sense and it wasn't strangely Lenalee related so I could safely assume he was being at least slightly serious for once in his insane life. "I've got a few ideas to help you with that, but again, we will wait until it seems safe for you to make use of it again. Considering the situation though, I think you did exceptionally well Shiyuki-san."

"Ah… thanks." I mumbled, fixating my gaze on the floor. I didn't really agree with him, but there wasn't really much to say about why. Especially considering that Komui had a habit of taking things the wrong way and if I put it out there that I felt as though I'd failed Kanda, then I didn't even want to _think_ about the rumors the insane one would be plaguing the Order with by the time the sun rose. I was probably just paranoid about the way Komui would handle things, but it was probably safer for whatever sanity I might have had left at that point.

It didn't take too much longer to reach Hevlaska's area in the basement and again I was silently thankful to Komui. He'd waited until the higher ups had gone to bed; they weren't staring down from their self-appointed places on high, whispering things that would bring those nightmares to the surface once again. I don't think I could have really gone through those… not again.

"Hey," was the first thing I said to Hevlaska when I saw her, the corners of my lips twitching up into a soft smile. The woman was well… no longer in the form of a woman, she was a large, white, ghostly figure. The only clues to the fact that she was once a woman were her feminine jaw and her voice. I doubted she was very happy about getting stuck in that one little area for centuries because she was compatible with the Cube itself, but it had to have hurt her a lot more for all the new exorcists to consider her some sort of monster. I was always nice to her when I saw her and even though she had been the reason everyone had known how bad my synchro-ratio was, I couldn't hold it against her; she was just doing her job.

The ghostly lips turned up into something of a smile as her lethargic voice filled the air, "Saya… how are you feeling?"

"A lot better now."

"Hevvy." Komui interrupted the girl-talk. "Can you check her synchro-ratio?"

The ancient exorcist nodded vaguely, reaching out to me with what could be described as tentacles, but were probably just her inhuman limbs. Soon her forehead was placed against mine as her voice began to echo numbers. "Two percent, eighteen percent, twenty-nine percent, thirty-seven percent, fifty-six percent, forty-two percent, seventy-three percent, nineteen percent, thirty-four percent…" the woman finally stopped with the numbers, but her words were not what I wanted to hear. "The Innocence… is unstable. The synchro-ratio… will not remain in the same number range. I will… check the damage to the Innocence…"

At this point, my heart was pounding in my chest so loudly that I was sure Komui and Kanda could hear it from where they stood, but I knew it was illogical for them to hear it, that didn't stop me from being certain they could. It was irrational, yes, but I didn't exactly have the best track record with rationality. "The Innocence…. Has sustained damage. It is not… debilitating. Saya… you must rest. Both your body… and your mind."

"Ah… o-okay." I stammered, blinking wildly as she set me down. It felt like a massive weight had finally been lifted from my shoulders, the pressure of wondering whether I'd be thrown out or not gone. If the damage was not debilitating then… then the Order's higher ups would have no excuse to take my Innocence and find another compatible person. I was, for now, the most compatible host, especially if it seemed as though my Innocence was telling me I needed to shut up, sit down and take a break before trying to go overboard a second time. A sigh escaped my lips and I felt like I could finally _breathe_ again. If all I needed was rest, I think I could handle myself, for a little while anyway.

"Kanda-kun!" Komui barked, losing all semblance of seriousness. "It is now your duty to make sure that Shiyuki-chan does not attempt anything reckless!"

"Che." The Japanese exorcist muttered, "You mean stupid."

From someone who had practically gone out of his way to give me a few comforting words earlier to say something like that, I obviously felt very annoyed. Not to mention that the supposedly "stupid" act had been busting my ass to keep him from getting caught off-guard by the numerous Akuma in the area, but did that really count when it came to Kanda, Yuu? Apparently not. Another sigh escaped my lips, but I tried not to think about it too much. Kanda was Kanda and that could never be changed. He wouldn't be anywhere close to sentimental if there was someone around to hear him, especially if that someone would _talk_ about that sentimentality. There was a reason he spoke to me about things that he didn't speak of with others, it was partially because I could keep my mouth shut about matters that were not really my own to talk about and that was another reason for our friendship. We trusted each other to listen and not go around spouting our personal information all over the freaking Order regardless of our wishes.

Like any real place, Black Order HQ was a breeding ground for rumors. If the people could think of something to talk about that could distract them from the toils of their everyday life and the constant possibility of death looming over them like a shadow, then they would, whether or not they had any right to be talking. Neither Kanda, nor I wanted to deal with that crap anymore. We'd had enough of it when we were younger and I was sure there were still plenty of rumors floating around since I'd run off. If people could eat gossip, the world would never go hungry, but unfortunately, it was only capable of rotting brains; that's why I preferred not to listen.

"_Ano…_ Do I get to stay in _my_ room or so I have to go back to the infirmary?"

Komui didn't bat an eyelash at my question and instead resumed his usual, creepy grinning. "You can go back to your own room Shiyuki-chan! Just remember to be careful with that Innocence of yours."

"Okay. Thanks Komui." Kanda was already walking off so I waved at the supervisor and jogged awkwardly over to my friend. Running in slippers is not advised, it is by far one of the weirdest things in the world. Every step made it feel as though my slippers were going to fly off my feet and likely nail some poor sap in the head. "_Nee, Kanda. Okorimasu ka?_"

"_Naze da_?"

"_Atashi wa… ano ninmu wo shippai shimashita…_"

"_Che. Baka_."

Sometimes I wished he would stop calling me an idiot. It wasn't like he said it to ma _all_ the time, but he still said it kind of often, enough that I wanted him to stop anyways. No one really likes being called an idiot and I was certainly one of those people that hated it, most of the time. Kanda was right though, sort of. Even though I messed up, even though I failed that mission, I probably shouldn't dwell on it and he probably wasn't angry with me. The situation, maybe, but not me. I was thankful for that. Kanda never came off as the understanding type, he went so far as make sure people thought of him as a cold hearted ass, but… he wasn't really, no matter what other people wanted to think. I knew he wasn't really the cruelest person out there and I wasn't put off by that attitude he kept around him, even when we were little kids. A soft chuckle escaped my lips as I thought about it again. We'd had a very humorous first meeting.

* * *

_I was walking down the stairs with one of the cloaked figures from my memory. My hair so short if barely reached my ears, bruises covered my exposed skin from the day's "training" and it was all I could do not to stumble. Halfway down that staircase I and my "guardian" had stopped. Someone else was making their way up the spiral staircase and I blinked at the child with the man. My eyes were wide for a moment before words spilled slowly from my mouth, the sentence broken from lack of verbal practice. "_Kawaii shoujo…_"_

_ The glare that had returned my words had _not_ been expected and I stumbled back a little, almost out of fear, but really just a little shocked that someone so small could produce such a look. "_Baka shounen! Shoujo jaa nai!"

"Shounen jaa nai!"_ I nearly shouted back. "_Atashi wa shoujo!"

"Ore wa shounen!"

_Really… who would have thought… we'd confused each other for the opposite gender and the look of confusion on our faces when we realized our mistakes was priceless._

* * *

No one would have thought a friendship could have been built on top of such a misunderstanding. I'd confused Kanda for a girl, but with that ridiculously long hair, I couldn't really be blamed. He'd thought I was a boy, but considering the length of my hair was abnormally short and I was a mere child, it wouldn't have been very obvious that I wasn't a boy.

I almost chuckled as I followed Kanda through the Order's hallways. We were still together even after all the years that had passed. Sure we'd been separated for a while, when I'd run off and well… really only when _I'd_ run off considering Kanda had never done such a thing. He probably never would, though sometimes I kind of wondered what he would do if he did; then that dream from so long ago bounced into mind and I really didn't think Kanda would enjoy being a sword wielding vigilante of justice. I looked up to see his back and bit back another chuckle, until I saw something move out of the corner of my eye.

The moment my eyes locked onto the scuttling form, I let out a shriek that would have shamed the wailing woman I'd heard about who knew how long ago. The very _walls_ of the Black Order must have shaken and I swear windows somewhere should have cracked, but at that moment, I didn't give a damn. I flung myself as far away from the wall as I possibly could, eyes wide as I tried not to breath, my heart thudding so hard I could hear the blood pulsing in my ears. Kanda whirled around at the sound, eyes wide, Mugen halfway out of its sheath, but the moment his eyes landed on the disgusting epitome of dirt and disease, he looked less than amused. "_Oi_!"

He didn't have too much time to verbally berate me, I was already putting him between the monstrosity and myself. "_Kurose! Kanda wo kurose! Haiyaku! KUROSE!_"

He gave me one of the weirdest non-glares he'd ever given me, like he was almost freaked out by my sudden spaz-attack. "_Kowai ka?"_

_ "Kowaikunai! Demo… demo gokiburi ga totemo kirai iie DAIKIRAI! Kanda!"_ My voice had taken on an almost whining quality without my consciously willing it, but if there was one thing I couldn't stand, one thing I would sell my freaking _soul_ to avoid, _that_ was it. I would _die_ before I let one of those… those _things_ get close to me. I was ready to flee the Order again now that it was _infested_ with them.

Other people came running almost instantaneously. I swear Reever showed up with one of his "anti-Komurin" weapons and they began to look around wildly. It wasn't until Lenalee showed up and threw a freaking shoe at the roach that anyone realized what was going on. I didn't care that people were staring at me in confusion, I didn't give a damn at all. Instead I turned to Komui and started babbling in Japanese. It wasn't until Kanda shot me a glare and grumbled. "_Saya. Eigo._" That I even realized I wasn't speaking a language they could all understand.

It took a moment for me to remind myself that I needed to speak English and another moment to remember any English at all. "KOMUI! Get them gone NOW!"

"Calm down Shiyuki." The supervisor was trying to speak through barely concealed chuckles. "It was just one."

"For every one you see there are thousands you don't!" I shot back, hair standing on end, a shiver running through my body. "They're probably in our blankets and showers and towels and food… crawling all through out toothbrushes and hair brushes. Do you have any idea how _disgusting_ that is! Those things are disease incarnate!" Damn my imagination for working so well when I really didn't want those images plaguing my mind. "You'd let Lenalee _live_ in _that_?"

Any and all laughing ceased almost instantly. Frazzled as I may have been, I still knew how to hit where it hurt the most. The man suddenly looked as though he'd allowed the worst thing in history to befall the world and in his mind, he might as well have. "OH NO! WHA SHOULD I DO! I CAN'T LET MY TREASURED LENALEE LIVE LIKE THIS! LENALEEEEEE I'M SO SORRY!" he began to wail. Lenalee gave me a very cross look, but for some reason, if it resulted in the eradication of those pests, I didn't mind.

"I demand the place be TENTED or something! I don't care how you get rid of them, just do it!"

"Reever!" Komui barked, calling the man to him. "Do everything in your power to keep these dastardly creatures from harming me precious Lenalee… or anyone else. Get rid of them! Post haste!"

I smiled triumphantly for a few long moments, completely proud of knowing how to manipulate Komui into doing something for the good of all the people in the Order. To live with those kinds of things… I shuddered again, willing the disturbing images out of my mind. Soon though, I was following Kanda again and as we finally came up on our rooms, he half smirked at me. "Afraid of things like that."

"They represent _disease_!" I seethed, emphasizing the disgust I felt toward the creatures as much as I possibly could with just my voice. "They carry things that can _kill_ people and you want me to just go: "oh, okay!" as they crawl through our _food_? I. Do. Not. Think. So." I couldn't stress it enough.

"You screamed."

"Of course I did!"

"You _never_ scream."

"I do when I see those."

"So you admit it."

"I made ears _bleed_ Kanda. I will admit that I screamed like the girl I am, but I will not admit to the idiocy of being frightened of such things."

"You couldn't kill it on your own."

He really needed to stop with all this crap. "I'm not touching it. I'm not getting close enough to be infected."

"But it's alright for someone else to?"

"If you haven't noticed, I'm wearing _slippers_. There isn't much I can do to fend against those things. You have _boots_ and a functional Innocence."

His smirk never disappeared, he was silently mocking me and one of my irrational fears, but I couldn't stand those creatures. The way they wouldn't die no matter what you did to them freaked me out. They were like Akuma. No matter how many you killed, there were always more and the scariest part was, you couldn't see them all the time. If an Akuma were in the area, someone would eventually be able to tell, but with _those_ things it took some stumbling before even seeing the signs. And they could survive nuclear bombs! How was I supposed to be okay with living with something like _that_? It wasn't until Kanda saw that I was completely serious about my claims that his features resumed his usual unhappy settings. "Don't do anything stupid."

I frowned, but nodded as Kanda disappeared into his room, his way of showing worry could use some work, but then, he wouldn't be Kanda if it didn't.

* * *

**A/N:** Chapter 16 marks 50,000 words of just story, not including the author's notes, honk for Japan, or Omake. Freaking amazing right?

In this chapter, I started of with a very serious feel, but around the middle of it, I decided to address one of Saya's more... feminine fears. Some things, however irrational, just freak people out and that's one of those things.

**Translation**:

Saya: Hey, Kanda, are you angry?

Kanda: Why?

Saya: I... the mission... I failed. (this one loses something in translation and it's not entirely accurate due to rusty Japanese)

Kanda: Che, idiot.

Later:

Saya: KILL IT! KANDA KILL IT! HURRY UP!

Kanda: Afraid?

Saya: I'm not afraid! I just really don't like... no... I HATE cockroaches! Kanda!

Kanda: Saya. English.

Also, to Anemos: WHY YOU NO BE CONTACTED! ;-; Makes me sad that I can't reply. Every. Time.


	18. Chapter 17: Oyasumi

Komui got things taken care of, though part of why it might have happened so quickly was because no one objected to spending the time and money to remove them once Jerry refused to cook until he was certain there were no disgusting beings of disease loitering about his kitchen. There were robots taking care of most of the work, robots with tons of gear, including gallons of bug killing spray, giant fly swatters, dustpans, brooms and disinfectant spray. Needless to say, by the time they'd gone through the entire building, the walls, floors and ceilings were all but sparkling (A number of them had overloaded or something and gone ballistic on every bug they say, even the smallest, most annoying gnat) and there wasn't a bug to be seen.

Some of the Finders began to chuckle as I walked by, not that I could really blame them. I fought Akuma and yet those things were more than enough to get me to scream like a pathetic little sissy girl with no courage. But they were gone. No one liked those things and when someone thought to bring the issue up, I granted them a very annoyed glare (I got tons of practice from hanging out with Kanda, so it wasn't like I had pathetic glares) and began to list off the reasons the Black Order was a better place without those things. Some of the details I would go into caused their faces to become pale and drawn, one or two even ran off to empty the contents of their breakfast. I wasn't going to go easy on the people who laughed at me, I never would; especially since I didn't laugh at them.

Something about that though, brought more Finders to me (when Kanda wasn't in the room). Apparently they liked talking to me. Since Hevlaska had informed me that I needed to rest, Kanda hadn't dragged me around for training and had begun to do so, on his own, of course, since I wasn't prone to disappear either, he was able to go on missions without me dragging him down. One thing I didn't tell anyone was that I missed him when he was gone, but he was my _best friend_ of course I would! It was just that I suspected Lavi would overhear and take everything as wrongly as it could be taken and spread lies all over the Order (a slight exaggeration maybe, but I had no doubts he would start yelling about whatever he thought things were like).

When Kanda wasn't around and I wasn't sleeping (or eating) I spent a lot of my time with Jerry. I could hide out in the kitchens without too many people bothering me because I _looked_ busy, whereas I was just baking sweets with my cooking extraordinaire friend. I wasn't much of a chef or a particularly great baker, but the point was, I kind of enjoyed making things once in a while. My occupation was to _destroy_ Akuma (even though I was temporarily out of work due to injury apparently), so to be able to _make_ something with my own two hands had always seemed pretty neat. To me anyways and I merely assumed that was why Kanda gardened (in secret, don't tell anyone I told you). That's what I was doing right now, baking brownies with Jerry. It was kind of weird because when the sun finally came up, a headache prevented me from actually sleeping (I probably should have been worried about having a headache considering the location of my Innocence, but I was too damn tired to think about it) so I'd wandered down to the kitchens to see if Jerry was up. Thankfully, he was and after feeding me a massive breakfast, asked if I would like to bake some stuff for old time's sake. When I was younger, I would run away to the kitchen, it was odd, I know, but if I ever had a fight with Kanda, then Jerry was the person I would go to see. He was/is the best cook in the world and if anyone ever thought to deny it, I would have to prove them wrong, or hurt them, whichever came to mind first under the circumstances, but all the times I'd been to places with "the best food in the world" I found myself sorely missing Jerry and his cooking.

Perhaps it was just the monster in my tummy that made me feel that way, but if it wasn't Jerry's cooking, then something about it just… wasn't right and I could eat anything edible, much like Allen and that… Crowley vampire guy. I'd met him once and heard of his soba problem (I had no doubts that Kanda was the source of that issue) but even though he was cool and all, I didn't want to deal with him any longer than necessary. All he could talk about was Eliade and I had no idea who the hell that was. Maybe when he had more than one station and didn't occasionally… _sing_ about her with tears running down his face, I would be able to deal with him. Allen had told me I'd caught him on a bad day, but I did not want to deal with excessive tears… especially not from a man older than me.

"Saya-chan! How are the brownies coming out?" Jerry was always ecstatic to bake with me, then again, he was ecstatic every time there was cooking utensils involved and his voice was happy enough to make me laugh.

"The batter looks pretty good but… I kinda want to add caramel."

"Oh?" he looked over my shoulder at the bowl I was cradling with one hand and mixing with the other. "Caramel is always a good touch! I have some stored in the icebox, why don't you go get it? I can show you the best way to add it in!"

As I was digging through the icebox, Allen had apparently woken up and decided it was breakfast time. "Good morning Jerry and… Shiyuki-san? Is that you?"

"_Ohaiyo_ Allen." I waved with one hand, eyes never leaving the icebox. The caramel had managed to get all the way to the bottom and I was just way too lazy to pull everything out and make it easier on myself and instead was attempting to weaving my hands around the objects in the icebox, my tongue poking out of the corner of my mouth in concentration because it was such a difficult task. "Jerry, why's it at the bottom?"

"Saya-chan… why don't you just take everything out?"

"Because," I replied flatly, "then I would have to put it all back!"

Allen laughed from the other side of the "window" his voice filling the air and I found myself wondering what he was doing up so early, but it wasn't really any of my business, so I didn't bother asking. It was certainly too early for breakfast, or was it? I couldn't be sure anymore, not with my supremely screwed schedule. "How are you feeling Shiyuki-san?"

He spoke like he hadn't seen me in weeks and then I realized… he practically hadn't. The only people that had seen me on a regular basis since my "break" began were Kanda, Lenalee, Komui, Jerry and Hevlaska. Kanda because he was my best friend and I would go out of my way to hang out with him even if only for a few minutes. Lenalee was also my friend and not only that, she and Jerry had arranged for food to be ready and waiting for me during those hours where I was unable to sleep. I only saw Komui and Hevlaska when my Innocence needed to be checked on again. According to Hevlaska, the Innocence itself was fully repaired, but my synchro-ratio wasn't stabilized yet. She wanted me to continue resting and think about why that would be, Komui agreed with her, stating that the Innocence generally had a mind of its own and would probably work again when I could understand it better. Honestly, I wasn't trying too hard to understand it. Sure I was afraid of what would happen should I never be able to use it again, but at the moment, I assumed it was telling me to rest. If it was working, I would be out fighting Akuma after all. "Better, I still wish I could sleep at regular hours though. Thanks for asking, how are you Allen?"

"I'm doing fine, thank you. I was in Germany recently, have you been there?"

"Mhm," I answered, "I speak a little German. That was one of the places I hung out in during my… er… off time if you know what I mean. I didn't learn too much though, I stayed in a relatively desolate place."

"Lavi told me you spoke Italian as well?"

"Yup, I was there for a few weeks and I GOT IT!" I'd finally managed to wrap my half numbed fingers around the container of caramel in the icebox, but as I pulled it out, it got stuck and I had to yank harder, so when it came free, I flew backwards and landed on my butt with a bewildered expression plastered on my face. "Yeah… so I was there for a few weeks and picked up on it. It wasn't really a big deal."

"Ah, then do you speak Portugese?" Of course he'd want to know that, he was with Kanda and Lenalee when they'd kidnapped me _from_ Portugal. I kind of missed that place, but when I remembered that Cross had visited me there, I didn't mind _not_ going back.

"_Sim, __eu faço_." I answered offhandedly, already adding some caramel to the actual brownie batter and planning to heat the rest to drizzle on top. "I pick up on languages much faster than I ever did my Innocence."

"Um… what did you say?" Allen asked with a nervous laugh, apparently hoping to avoid the subject of my uncooperative Innocence.

I chuckled slightly, pouring brownie batter into a greased up pan, "I said: Yes, I do." I flashed him a grin before asking, "Did you want me to say I behead chickens on a daily basis? I can say that one too."

"Wait… what?"

I just laughed at his confusion for a little bit, not bothering to say anything that could possibly answer his questions.

* * *

"Saya-chan!" Lenalee poked her head into my room, I had managed to fall asleep after devouring some brownies (though some had to go to Allen for whatever reason, but he was being nice so I figured it wouldn't hurt.) and had only been out a few hours, but Lenalee's voice pulled me from my dreamless slumber and caused me to raise my head groggily. "Nii-san is looking for you, get up."

I grumbled unintelligibly, but still managed to get my feet on the floor and trudge drearily into a wall. That woke me up. Rubbing my nose bitterly I looked over at Lenalee and asked, "Do I need to wear my uniform for this?" She nodded, a small smile placed on her lips as she attempted not to laugh at my pain. Upon struggling to get in the damn uniform, I slowly trailed behind Lenalee until we reached Komui's office. Allen waved at me, to which I blinked in sleepy confusion before looking over at Komui and then back at Allen, "Whaaaat?" I half whined as I sat down next to the white haired boy.

"Now, now, Shiyuki-san," Komui half sang for whatever reason, "I think you'll like what I have in store for you. I want the two of you, yes, you and Allen-kun are going to take _this_," he hefted a suitcase onto the desk in front of him, "to Yeegar-gensui."

"Yeegar-gensui?" I asked for the confirmation and the moment Komui nodded a I smiled almost brightly. "I miss him!"

"I thought so." Komui smiled back, "And Hevvy thought you should get back on the field for a little while. The last check you had showed your Innocence was closer to stable than before and it's about time to see if you can use it and if not, then Yeegar-gensui might have some words of advice."

"Um… what's he like?" Allen asked nervously.

"He's really strict on manners." Komui and I replied at the same time. "So don't mess up."

The poor kid paled considerably and, after covering a yawn, I tried to ease his fears a bit. "But he's really cool."

Unfortunately, my idea of a person being cool didn't calm Allen too much. With Kanda as my best friend, I couldn't really be too surprised at that. Sometimes I wondered about my choice in friends too, but then it occurred to me that both Lenalee and Jerry were super awesome and they more than made up for Kanda's omnipresent sourness. Besides, Kanda had his good points, he just didn't want the world to see them, because then he'd have to deal with people more annoying than say… me.

We sat on the train on our way to Macedonia to meet up with Yeegar-gensui. I was already nodding off the moment we sat down, but despite the sleep pulling at my eyes, I tried to stay awake, if only so I could answer whatever questions Allen might have about the old man. The kid seemed to sense that and merely smiled silently, practically encouraging me to fall asleep and I did. Until we had to switch trains, after which I passed out again. It wasn't until we got to Macedonia and stepped out of the train station in a very rural area that I became even vaguely alert. We were looking for a Finder, someone was supposed to meet us, at least, from what Komui had told us. Allen's face lit up when we finally found the Finder, but he quickly roped in a neutral expression and bowed politely. "Hello, I am Allen Walker. I've come from Headquarters to give this to Yeegar-gensui."

"The general isn't here anymore." The Finder replied with a small chuckle. "He has moved onto Bulgaria."

"Bulgaria?"

"It's the country to the East of Macedonia." I informed him with a yawn, "Geez Allen, haven't you seen a map?"

"Shiyuki-san…" the boy sighed, "I have, I just don't know where everything is. I'm not as well traveled as you."

"Sometimes I forget that about people…" I mumbled, "Sorry." Turning to the Finder I offered my hand with a small smile, "Hi, I'm Shiyuki."

"My name is Thierry, thank you both for coming."

Almost the moment we sat down on a bench, waiting for the train, Allen began to ask about Yeegar-gensui, confirming that my word didn't really mean much, not when I was talking about whether or not a person was cool any way. I didn't let it bother me though. My thoughts drifted to Kanda and I found myself wondering if Komui would tell him where I went, or that I was actually on a mission. I didn't think he's be too terribly happy that I'd been partnered with the _moyashi_, but Kanda was never actually happy about anything. I almost chuckled at the thought, almost, but I held back so I wouldn't have to share my thoughts with anyone. Instead I kept to myself, my eyes were closed, so Allen and Thierry probably thought I was asleep and I was perfectly fine with that.

Last I'd heard, Kanda had gone to Denmark for another mission, as soon as he wasn't stuck dragging my sorry ass around he was busy all the time. It was just proof that I had a lot of work to do. Heh… that was almost funny. Only a few months ago I hated the idea of fighting, I hated the Black Order and almost everyone in it, I couldn't stand the idea of risking my life to save humanity, I didn't want to save anyone, ever, but now it was different. I still didn't really want to protect people at random, but I didn't want something to happen to the people I _did_ like because I was too pathetic to help them in some way. If Kanda needed my help, I wanted to be able to help him out, same for Lenalee and even Allen and Lavi and Emi. It wasn't that I wanted to be an exorcist for the same of saving humanity, defeating the Millennium Earl or ridding the world of Akuma. I'd made the decision based on the people I gave half a damn or more about. Sure those people were very few in number, but if it came down to it, I wasn't noble enough to give my life for a stranger. I probably wasn't the only exorcist in the Order that thought that way. I doubted I would be the last.

"Shiyuki-san, the train's here."

* * *

One of the most annoying things in the world was chasing after a general. They moved way more than any old man should (or in Klaud Nine's case, woman, not that she was old) and all but boasted they had fragments of Innocence with them at all times. It was like waving a banner that said: "Hello, I'm the one you want to attack! Come get me!" It was a good thing they were the strongest exorcists in the Order, or we'd all be screwed. We had to sprint through a town because the general was chasing after a Level Two Akuma. It was at this lovely moment that we discovered we were unable to contact the general because his golem had malfunctioned and he needed a new one, the new golem was in the suitcase Allen had been carrying around. Go. Freaking. Figure.

"Shiyuki-san!" Allen called back to me as we ran. "Can you activate your Innocence?"

"No idea." I responded. "Prepare for the worst, hope for the best. If it activates I'll focus on defense, so long as the fight doesn't go on for an eternity I should be fine!"

The look on Thierry's face was pretty close to priceless as shock seeped into his features. "You… can't activate your Innocence?"

"That's not quite it. It just… broke a little bit not too long ago because I pushed it too hard. I haven't used it since, but it's do or die now." Literally, I tacked on silently.

When we finally caught up, my face fell at the sight of the Akuma; it looked less ridiculous than some of the ones I'd come across, but at the same time it looked relatively annoying, or maybe it was just the fact that is was constantly talking like it had a chance. I always hated that. Even though exorcists faced stupidity in the largest of numbers, it still got irritating on occasion. Allen jumped right into battle, his arm transforming into a gun (at which I blinked in surprise because I thought he had a giant claw thing) and started firing. Thierry and I rushed over to the carriage that Yeegar used and I attempted to activate my Innocence, if only to keep the Finder's safe for Yeegar-gensui's sake (he was always so attached to people).

A sharp pain stung my mind and I flinched, inhaling sharply, distantly I heard Thierry asking if I was alright, but I didn't want to waste any time, who knew when stray bullets could come flying toward us. I could trust Allen and Yeegar-gensui to defeat the Akuma and probably defend themselves as well. The Finders however, weren't able to do that and I didn't want to see Yeegar saddened should they pass on. Again, I forced myself to activate my Innocence and ignored the stinging pain in my head, my headache returning with twice the force. With a single, shaky exhale, I called upon my Innocence again, willing it to work again with all my might, practically pleading with it in my mind. _Please… please activate._

The shadows from under the carriage began to shudder and flicker, moving slightly, pulling closer to me. I managed to pull them into the air and congeal them into a solid sphere as a stray bullet sped through the air. My head pounded as I moved the shadowy shield to block the carriage, but my placement was good and the bullet was deflected, at a price. My brain _ached_ horribly, pain erupting like a fire in my mind. My vision went black and my ears fell deaf, my throat constricted and my chest felt heavy. I wanted to give up. I wanted to just stop trying, but… but I couldn't. I needed to. I _had_ to keep going. If I let something like this keep me from using my Innocence, then I would never be able to live with myself. The idea of a "holy fragment" that made me "an apostle of God" was a laughable one at best, but whether or not there was some supreme being that decided only certain people needed to live through hell because it thought their pain amusing, it wouldn't change the fact that there was Innocence embedded in my brain. It wouldn't change that an actual portion of my brain was missing to make room for that Innocence and if it was going to use me as a meat shield, then I would damn well use it for something I thought important as well and right now, that was protecting the Finders and Yeegar-gensui's carriage!

The headache almost disappeared, my sight came back to me, the deafening explosions of defeated Akuma met my ears and I could _breathe_ again. My dark eyes narrowed in annoyance with none other than myself. Who knew how much time I'd wasted in that moment of weakness and if I continued to have them… how many would die because I was too much of a failure to keep them safe, even if only for a little while longer? Luckily the Finders were fine, there was no damage, but they were exchanging wary looks, worried that I wouldn't be able to keep them safe and they _would_ be worried, my Innocence had just faltered in the face of a Level One's bullet. Gritting my teeth I concentrated again, imagining the shield in my mind and pulling on the shadows of the carriage, of my own, of the Finders and solidifying them in a half sphere above the carriage. _Nothing_ would get passed this shield even if I had to kill myself to keep it up.

One… two… at least ten bullets rattled off my shield during the battle; they had almost instantly increased in number the moment Allen and Yeegar-gensui saw that I had the Finders covered. The fighting didn't last too much longer, the general and Allen were easily able to put all the Akuma out of their misery and I only kept the shield up for a few moments longer than necessary to be absolutely sure there would be no randomly falling debris or trees landing on top of us.

Almost as soon as I lowered the shield and deactivated my Innocence, Yeegar-gensui cast a smile in my direction. "It's good to see you again, Saya."

"You as well Gensui." I replied with a small bow of my head, smiling back at the older man. He was my "teacher" even when I hadn't been a part of the Order, or when I was between times with it. I owed him my life, in numerous ways and he was more than a mere mentor for me, he was someone that I could always trust to be kind, no matter what. He was honestly one of the best people I'd ever met.

Again sleep pulled at my eyes, with wonderful timing I might add, but then… sleeping on trains was never the best rest a person could get and after having just gotten used to _not_ using my Innocence, it was pretty obvious I would find it a little more tiring than I had before. I think I managed to mumble an, "_Oyasuminasai_…" before my eyes closed for a much needed nap.

* * *

**A/N:** Away-from-Kanda time o_o It's a little weird, I know, but it's like a Mary-Sue fic (to me) if she spends all her time WITH Kanda. Regardless of that, Saya practically too control as I was writing and made _sure_ she at least thought about him. She such a tard...

Anyways, I don't think there's much need for translation in this chapter, Saya explained what she said in Portugese (courtesy of Google Chrome) and everything said in Japanese kinda speaks for itself. One thing I'd like to point out though is that the direct translation of "_Gensui_" is Marshal, but I think of them as Generals more so than Marshals, so I call them generals. Also, because I watch the anime so much, I mentally tack on _-gensui _to their names. If this gets confusing, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to change it.

**To my reviewers:** I want to thank you guys for taking the time to hit that little link and sparing me a few words. Especially those of you that have been reviewing rather consistently for the last two or three chapters. So thank you: Emmy Bookman, PancackeRave, Anemos and Hane Ookami. It's hard to write when I think no one really reads it, but you guys leave good reviews. I know I've discussed with most of you (one of you can't be contacted -_-) how happy it makes me that you like Shiyuki, Saya with all her faults and everything =3 So thanks again.


	19. Chapter 18: Friendly Worries

When my eyes finally opened, I knew it wasn't because I'd gotten enough sleep. It was because the sun had set and my Innocence didn't like me. For a moment, I stared blearily at the ceiling, mind completely blank. It wasn't until voices drifted into my ears that I attempted to blink the sleep away and pay attention to the world around me. It took nearly a full minute to force myself into a sitting position and raise a hand to cover my mouth as I yawned loudly. If I'd been able to sleep, I would have been fighting to stay awake. "Shiyuki-san, you're awake." Allen's voice was the first to sound understandable in my muddled mind and my head slowly turned to meet his eyes, a low mumble escaping my lips, though it wasn't heard over the noises my stomach immediately began to unleash upon the world.

Almost immediately my eyes widened in panic. "Allen! You didn't eat all the food, did you!" I ignored the shocked and confused reactions of the Finders, tuned out Yeegar-gensui's light chuckling, I was too focused on Allen and wringing the truth out of him if I had to. If he ate _everything_ I would make sure he suffered for it and suffered horribly. "If you did, I will never share brownies with you ever _again_," and since I didn't think that was enough of a threat I added, "and I will make sure Jerry doesn't give you as much food. You will _never_ have Mitarashi Dango _again_." He paled considerably and mumbled unintelligibly, as though the world had just crashed down around him. "You… you really ate _everything_!"

Yeegar intervened before Allen's safety could be threatened, a lighthearted smile on his face as he forced himself to politely stop chuckling. "Calm down, Saya. There's plenty more."

I swear my eyes were sparkling at the mere idea of food, mouth watering at the thought of eating it and I stared hopefully at the general. Food was the most wonderful thing in the world, especially when my stomach was lurching and kicking me to tell me that it was time to eat twenty minutes ago. Yeegar was no Jerry, but don't get me wrong, the old man could cook. Nothing was as good as Jerry's food, but Yeegar had more experience when it came to whipping up his best dishes (generally forms of fried and grilled meat). In just a few minutes he had a few steaks piled up for me and my tummy to devour contentedly. As I stuffed my face, I tried to ignore the odd faces the Finders wore. "Gensui… is that… normal?"

Again the old man laughed, a smile pulling at his lips. "Yes, very much so."

"Ah, that's right." Allen smiled up at the general, "Shiyuki-san told me that you trained her. Was that long ago?"

"Oho, so she's come clean?" he asked, chuckling again. I continued to stuff my face, hoping that I could remain busy with my food until the conversation had blown over, but highly doubting it because I was just mowing through the steaks. "I happened upon Saya in Germany many years ago. She hadn't been away from the Order for very long, just a little girl and she was running around Germany, speaking the language like she'd grown up there! The moment she laid eyes on my uniform, she'd run off."

"O-oh…?" Allen glanced at me, but I was very interested in my only remaining steak and didn't return the gaze. Maybe if I pretended I didn't hear it, then it could be just like the conversation never happened.

Yeegar knew about the little "game" that I would play and, thankfully, didn't feel the need to put an end to it just yet. "Yes, all the Exorcists were given information on her appearance and told to bring her back to the Order. Saya didn't want to go back." He laughed slightly, probably enjoying the sight of my attempts at ignoring and avoiding the conversation with all my power. "She had her reasons, very good ones. Only a few days later, much to my surprise, she came to me of her own accord. It was quite interesting really. She asked me for some training but also requested the Order not be informed."

"You… cooperated?"

With a nod from the general, Allen blinked in surprise and glanced at me as I very thoughtfully chewed on the last bite of my delicious food. "Yes, we'd met once prior to Germany and I'd taken quite the liking to the girl, in fact, I was supposed to train her for a time when she was a little older, so I took her under my wing during that time. She disappeared every time another exorcist arrived, before even, almost like she _knew_ and I often wondered if she was eavesdropping on my phone calls." I stopped chewing suddenly and began to stare out the carriage window as though I'd seen the most interesting raindrop. "Probably trying to get information on that friend of hers." I could feel Allen's eyes on me and became thoroughly entertained with a streak on the window. "What was his name? Oh yes, Saya, did you ever reunite with Kanda-san?"

I choked. Honest to earth, I _choked_. A coughing fit ensued as my body tried to remove the food lodged in the wrong part of my throat. Allen freaked out (like he had when Lenalee and the head nurse had started shoving food down my throat just after I'd been brought back to the Order) and immediately began to smack my back, thinking he was _helping_, but the sudden pressure didn't do anything but shift the food to an even more uncomfortable position. It wasn't until the general handed me a glass of water and I managed to wash it down, that I stopped coughing and took the time to _breathe_. The air itself must have had it out for me. _Everything_ made it hard to breathe lately! I could have made a list of all the things that had attempted to impair, hinder or completely stop my breathing in the last few days and it would be _pages _long. When I finally managed to get some air in my lungs I looked up at the general to see him smiling patiently at me, waiting for an answer. "Y-yeah…" I muttered, not really wanting to look the man in the face for fear of an embarrassed tint creeping onto my face. "He still only eats soba."

For some reason, that actually served as a distraction. I wasn't going to bother with the details of figuring out _how_, I was just glad it _did_. Otherwise I might actually have to deal with awkward questions surrounding the Japanese exorcist of unhappiness and glares. Instead, Allen turned to me with wide, shocked eyes and asked, "He _still_? Has he never eaten _anything_ else!"

I could understand what Allen must have been thinking… it wasn't too hard, sometimes I found myself wondering the same. After all these years, why had Kanda not yet tired of soba? It was all he ate! However, Allen _did_ need an answer and at the moment, I was really the only one capable of giving it to him. "I got him to eat brownies once. I think I was eight when that happened. I'd made brownies and demanded he try them, yes Allen, _demanded_. I can't remember if he actually ate them or if I shoved them down his throat, but ever since… he's hated sweets." That was my first time making brownies and I had royally screwed up by accidentally spilling half a bag of sugar into the batter and, terrified of failure, tried to mix it in and not let anyone know I'd messed up. The results… had scarred my best friend for life. I made much better brownies now, but no matter what I did, Kanda always refused to try them. Oh well, that was kind of all my fault. "As far as I know, he's never eaten anything but soba since then, but I _was _gone for a few years, he might have tried something during that time if some cataclysmic event in the kitchen prevented the creation of any and all soba."

Allen blinked at me, pure confusion dancing through his steely gray eyes; it was actually kind of funny to watch him attempt to figure out why Kanda would never eat anything other than soba. It was actually something I didn't have a real answer too, but ever since that brownie fiasco he wouldn't even _try_ something else. Maybe the bare basics of bread and cheese if he had to while out on a mission in some unknown country while far, _far_ from civilization. Kanda was like an old man. Too set in his ways to change, and definitely the type to scare kids (Lavi) off his "damn lawn" if given the chance. However, Kanda was certainly not old. Older than me, but not old.

I don't know what the general and Allen had talked about while I'd been napping, but whatever it was, it wasn't any of my business, otherwise they would have spoken _after_ I'd woken up or re-capped for me. Since they didn't, I figured they didn't want me to know and therefore didn't ask, even after we separated from the general and returned to the train station. Just like Allen didn't ask about what the general had talked to me about just before we left. The old man had some words of advice for me.

"There will be no trains leaving until the weather calms down!" A voice boomed over the dull rumble of an irritated crowd. "I repeat! There will be _no_ trains leaving until the weather calms down!"

"Hm…" Allen sighed, "It looks like we'll have to wait until tomorrow."

"Well," I mused, "You can sleep while we wait and I can pass out on the train tomorrow, deal?"

The boy let out a laugh and grinned at me, "Deal!" then his eyes widened and he lifted his hand at someone in a wave. I turned around just as he called out, "Lenalee!"

Pig-tails stood out in the crowd as their owner turned toward us and returned Allen's wave, a smile lighting her features. "Allen-kun! Saya-chan!" as soon as she was within casual speaking range, she continued, smiling the whole time. "How was your meeting with Yeegar-gensui?"

"He's very nice," Allen answered immediately, smiling as well. Why was I surrounded by the lazy faced people at the moment? Kanda _always_ frowned and, even though I knew he'd never admit it, I was determined to believe it was because he knew that frowning worked more muscles than smiling and he couldn't bear the thought of his facial muscles being as weak as everyone else's. "He's just like a teacher."

I blinked as I suddenly realized something I _knew_ but just hadn't really thought about. "Oh yeah, you trained under Cross-gensui, didn't you?" Allen didn't even need to _answer_, the look on his face was ten times more than enough; the pale, almost dying appearance of the boy was nothing short of amusing. It seemed the mere mention of his mentor's name was enough to force him to relive all the most painful moments of his time with the man. "Bet you didn't think any of the generals could be like Yeegar-gensui." I chuckled slightly, a small smile playing on my lips for a brief moment. "Though… not all the generals are. If you like Yeegar-gensui, then you should like Tiedoll-gensui and Klaud Nine-gensui, but you might want to avoid Sokaro."

"You know all of them?" the white haired boy asked, eyes wide.

Giving him a droll look, I replied, "I was brought to the Order when I was really little. I've at the very least _heard_ of them. It's not like their existence is a big secret. Stick around long enough and you'll meet all of them at least once, though meeting with them is usually watching them walk by and thinking to yourself: Maaan, I'm so glad I'm not a general. The gold on black just looks so gaudy!" The left side of my mouth twitched up into a half smile as I shrugged, "Though that might just be me."

This time is was Lenalee that laughed, "Saya-chan! I think that's just you."

I shrugged one shoulder, the half smile still planted on my face as I relaxed a bit and stared up at the ceiling, trying to focus on Allen and Lenalee while drowning out the man still shouting over the unhappy crowds. It was more their voices that I focused on rather than their words, since I couldn't actually sleep, it was kind of my way of resting my body, sometimes it just made me ten times as tired as I was before, but other times it helped to just stare off into space and drown out everything around me. Unfortunately Lenalee wanted to bring me into the conversation. "Did the general say anything about your Innocence, Saya-chan?"

I nodded once, not blinking, but not looking at her either, "Yeah. Not much, but I told him what happened and he offered a few words of advice, that's about it though."

Lenalee smiled that smile that said she knew I didn't particularly want to talk about it. Unlike most of the other exorcists, my Innocence couldn't be tampered with. There was really nothing any one could do to help me when something went wrong, Komui couldn't tamper with it and if he even made it known that he'd _thought_ about it, I would freak and probably run off again. The whole Order probably knew that much, but while Komui hadn't been there all those years ago, I knew he had to have heard of the experiments the Order had done before his arrival and that meant he knew all the stuff they'd put me through simply because of the odd placement of my Innocence. The idea of someone trying to get into my _brain_ was enough to give me nightmares. They would have to get passed my skull and that meant they'd be breaking my bones, it might have just been me, but I found that entirely counterproductive. If the Innocence had lodged itself in my brain, then obviously it didn't want to be seen by humanity in the first place. No one really believed me when I said that, because I was just a stupid child, the things my eyes saw were nothing of importance because I was much too young to comprehend the will of the Innocence. Even now though, I felt I understood it much better than those scientists. I may not have had the best understanding, but it was a part of _me_. I wielded it and it had chosen _me_. They didn't know how to use it. They couldn't have actually understood it.

Allen looked back and forth between Lenalee and I, trying to figure out what our silent communication was all about, but thankfully, he didn't prod and stick his nose into business that wasn't his own. The kid was earning brownie points. Hopefully to make up for all the brownies he'd eaten. He was also intelligent, or at least observant, and realized that no more would be said on the subject and decided to change it. "Lenalee, did you just finish a mission?"

The Chinese girl nodded; visibly glad to be off the previous subject, "Yes. I went to pick up some Innocence, but there wasn't any." The casual chatter continued and I found myself paying less and less attention to what Lenalee and Allen were talking about and paying more attention to awkward, suspense-filled sensation growing in my belly. It was that feeling I often got when I stayed still too long and was determined to believe something would happen and perhaps that's what it was this time. I was probably still nervous about returning the Order, still subconsciously freaking out about my Innocence shorting out and wondering just how I would be able to fix it. Yeegar had said something about thinking more about the Innocence and its will, that even though it wasn't a sentient being, it was possible that my Innocence still wanted something from me. I'd thought it would have been as simple as deciding to fight Akuma again, to defeat the Millennium Earl and save the world, or at least deciding to work toward that goal but apparently… apparently that wasn't enough for my Innocence. High maintenance thing that it was.

However, I had made the decision on my own. This time around, I wasn't being forced into The Black Order by an outside force, they weren't trying to turn me into something I wasn't and for once, it seemed like an actual nice place to be. The depths of the building still felt the wrong kind of dark and scary, but the majority of the building seemed to have become a lighter place, a happier place. I wasn't sure what happened while I was gone, but most of the science department had been replaced or moved and the people that were there now were actually concerned for the exorcists, treating them… us like real human beings, like people worth giving a damn about. They worried for us. They welcomed us back. More than wasting time figuring out how to make new exorcists, or making the exorcists stronger, rather than trying to force the Innocence to obey their will, it seemed they focused on making the Order feel like a home, on helping the Finders with those machines they used to trap and defend against Akuma, making sure more people would survive the war against the Earl. I had to respect them for that. Even though they couldn't fight against the Earl on their own, even though they couldn't put a dent in the Akuma's numbers, they were doing all they could for those who could.

"Saya-chan," Lenalee's voice pulled me out of my thoughts and I blinked up at her, pushing the tired haze away for a few moments. "You don't have a golem? I thought I told Nii-san to give you one."

I let out a half snort of laughter, raising a brow at the girl and wondering why no one bothered to tell her about that little fiasco. "He made me one. I rejected it though."

"Why? I asked him to make you a nice one!"

"Because your insane brother's idea of making a nice golem is to give me one that looks just like you."

"He… he didn't…"

"He did." I replied, ignoring her initial denial. "He's got a sister complex that blows even my love of food out of the proverbial water. I told Reever there was no way I was going to carry it around and he didn't blame me. My guess is that Komui threw a fit about it, but no offense Lenalee, but a golem in your image is kinda creepy."

"No… I agree…" she sighed, shaking her head slightly, frown pulling at her lips. "But you need a golem if you're going to go out on missions, if we can't contact you and something happens…"

"And something always happens." I added, earning an irritated look from my friend, to which I merely smiled and laughed slightly.

She wasn't as amused, but she didn't feel the need to verbally tear into me. "You can't be with Kanda all the time."

"I'm with you and Allen right now. No Kanda in sight."

"Saya-chan, stop it. I'm serious."

"So am I, Lena-chan. Your brother may be insane, but he's obviously not stupid. I don't have a golem, so I haven't gone on a solo mission; I haven't even been sent somewhere where I might be separated from someone with a golem. I'll probably get one soon, whether I like it or not. So calm down and relax a little bit. For now, everything will be fine. Just remember that, alright?" Reaching up, I patted her shoulder, the girl always worried too much. I knew that meant she thought of me as her friend and she worried about my safety like she did everyone's, probably more so because of the recent incident regarding my Innocence, but there was a point where it went too far and I wouldn't let her worry herself to death. "Everything has turned out fine so far, hasn't it? I'm here. I'm fine. Allen's here, he's fine. You don't have to worry about me, alright? Besides, I was able to use my Innocence earlier."

"Really!" she was immediately distracted, though I highly doubted she'd actually placed her worry in the back of her mind, it was likely still nagging at her. "That's great Saya-chan!"

"Yup, maybe you should contact HQ and let them know?"

"Of course!"

I would do whatever it took to alleviate her fears so long as it was within my power. Lenalee wasn't Kanda, but she was still one of my best friends and one of the few people I felt I could trust with not only my life, but my sanity as well. Allen smiled at me as our friend walked off to contact the Order, he looked rather gentle for a moment, just like the kid he was, that we all really were. "You really care for Lenalee, don't you?"

I nodded, "Yeah."

We didn't have time to bond and Allen didn't get to ask any other questions. Already Lenalee was running back, her expression panicked. "Yeegar-gensui's being attacked! It's the Noah!"

* * *

**A/N:** Updating may become slow soon . My wisdom teeth are growing in and I'm constantly in pain... it's just annoying for the moment, but I doubt it will be that way for a very long time.

Anyways, this is another "away from Kanda" mission and I've noticed that the last one got a lower number of views o-o Is it because she's not with Kanda right now? Who knows~ Saya will be rejoining Kanda in a few chapters. Obviously not the next one, but I have something planned for the chapter or two after that that Kanda's presence would totally ruin when it comes into play much later =w= You'll all know what I'm planning the moment it happens (maybe) or at least have an idea =3

Thanks again to my wonderful reviewers, if I could reply to you, I likely answered your questions and if not, then sorry 'bout that. However, ANEMOS (whom I still can't contact) there was no sarcasm before, Yeegar did train Saya just a bit while she was away from the Order.


	20. Chapter 19: Sayonara

Panic. One of the emotions I wasn't fond of, one that I hadn't felt since that mission with Kanda to capture the broker. Yet again, panic filled me. I stared at Lenalee with wide eyes, the information barely processing in my mind. The Noah. I'd heard of them recently, one of the Finders, Michael or something, had been eager to talk to me about it, telling a story that was not his to tell. He hadn't been there for it, another Finder had been waiting outside the town, but Allen and Lenalee had fought with a Noah before and their condition afterwards had been far, far from good. Neither of them were generals, but the way I'd heard it, it sounded like the Noah had only been playing around, not really bothering to take the two seriously and instead just had a grand time of it, reveling in their pain. One could say I already had a grudge against the Noah for attacking and seriously harming one of my few friends.

But to attack Yeegar-gensui? I didn't care how powerful the Noah were, when it came to the generals, one didn't mess around. The Noah were probably going all out against the old man and that worried me. He was an old man. Sure, he was physically fit, but age didn't care about that. I believed in his abilities as both a teacher and an exorcist, but if what I was told about the Noah was true, then even he couldn't be a match for those blood thirsty, power hungry, insane Millennium Minions. If I could do something to prevent them from hurting Yeegar, I damn well would. "What are we waiting for? Hurry up!" I was already out of my seat and heading for the door. I couldn't let the old man fend for himself _and_ the Finders with him. Even if I couldn't attack well just yet, I could ease his burden just a bit.

Allen matched my step almost instantly, on his feet and ready to go, leaving behind a good amount of food. That's how a person knew we were completely serious. It was something for a parasitic type exorcist to leave _food_ behind. The thought didn't occur to me until much, much later, because at that moment, my mind was far too focused on protecting something dear to me and what I had to do in order to get there. At the moment, there was only so much I could do because I was so far away from him, but the moment we were closer, the very _second_ we were near him… the Noah had better hope to whatever false deity they believed in that they had already run away. I wouldn't go easy on them even if I couldn't fight directly.

A few moments later and we were sprinting through the town. With no carriage of our own, we couldn't catch up to him quickly, but we weren't exactly the slowest people in the world. My reaction time may have been slow, but when it came to running, there weren't many people that could easily best me. Even Lenalee would have to break out her Dark Boots in order to beat me in a contest of pure speed. If there were hurdles though… I would have failed instantly. It wasn't easy dodging all the people in the town, but we were managing, our eyes searching for the familiar coats of the Finders and hoping like hell we'd be able to get one to lead us back to Yeegar and if not, we'd just have to search the general area on our own. All the running around reminded me of the day he's practically taken me under his wing for the first time.

* * *

_Five years ago, at the age of twelve, after completing a mission, I had fled from the order, to the southern portion of Norway. If anyone thought it wasn't the scariest thing I'd ever been through, well they'd be right, but it was very close to the top. I was a little kid in a strange country where I didn't speak the language and it quite honestly, freaked me out. I drew attention to myself just by being there. My clothing didn't particularly stand out, but my facial features did. A random, lone Asian girl in the middle of a European community was strange, even by my standards. The reason I'd stuck so closely to Kanda and even Lenalee back at the Order was because I didn't feel so strangely out of place with them. I'd grown closer to them and eventually I began to actually care for them and think of them as friends, but at first it had merely been because I hated the alienated feeling I got when I was alone. Everyone there looked distinctly European in my eyes, no one was Asian like me and only Jerry seemed to be just as ethnically different._

_ There were many more reasons behind my escape, but the alienation that I was feeling at that moment was a large one. Currently, I was telling myself that everything would be alright and it wasn't easy. I didn't understand what was going on around me; my English was understandable, but not particularly good and if these people didn't have at least moderate English skills, it would be impossible for me to understand anyone or for anyone else to understand me, especially with the problem accents caused. In short, I was creating excuses so that I could force myself to calm down and think about where to go next. I couldn't go anywhere I'd been before, those would be the places the Order would look for me first and I was pretty sure that, once they figured out I wasn't coming back, they would be looking for me. They couldn't lose a _precious_ exorcist after all. I may not have been a grown up, but I was still smart enough to understand I was just an object for them to use, a weapon for them to send into battles they couldn't hope to win._

_ So, I'd left. I'd tried to get Kanda to come with me, but he'd refused and Lenalee was in no condition to run away, but after what they'd done… I couldn't stay there any longer. Not when that bastard was running around the huge tower and treating people like their lives were in the palms of his dirty little hands. No. Never. I was not going to let that _thing_ run my life. Why though? Why did people think they had to lord over another to feel important? Why couldn't they just treat people like _people_ and not like things? I would never understand. I wanted almost nothing to do with people. I didn't want their stares. I didn't want their attention. I didn't want to help them. I didn't care enough to hurt them. I just wanted… I just wanted to rewind._

_ Wandering the streets of Norway, lost in my thoughts, I couldn't be bothered to watch where I was going. I should have been. I was on the run, I should have known better than to wander aimlessly, but I didn't. Instead, I walked right into someone and, startled, fell right onto my bum. I choked out an apology, twice, forgetting to speak in English the first time. "S-sorry." I didn't even know what language they spoke in Norway, probably Norwegian, but I'd heard they didn't speak Brazilian in Brazil, so I couldn't be too sure. Why did English have to be the universal language, why couldn't it be one I knew, the only one I really knew?_

_ "That's alright." The English response shocked me for a moment, I hadn't really expected anyone to understand the language or even be able to speak it, but it seemed more likely than them understanding Japanese. _

_ I looked up and my eyes widened, breath caught in my throat, I swear even my heart stopped when my eyes landed on that symbol, on the mark that _screamed_ he was one of _them_ and not just any one of them, one of the strongest. I stood up as quickly as I could and bolted, not bothering to look back and see if he was following me as I ran. In hindsight I probably should have been less obvious about it, but I'd panicked and run away._

* * *

Our search continued frantically. We had an idea as to where Yeegar-gensui had gone, but we didn't have an exact location. We knew that the Finders with him had to have contacted HQ somehow and that meant at least one of the three of them was in the town somewhere and would be able to lead us to Yeegar, or give us directions, something. At the moment, we were merely heading to where we'd last seen him.

"Saya-chan!" Lenalee asked, slightly out of breath, "Can you use your Innocence to find him?"

I shook my head, ignoring Allen's confused look for the moment. I would probably tell him about the way my Innocence sensed things later, if he asked, but right now we didn't have the time. "I can only sense shapes and I can't release level two in my current condition." It had been hard to simply use my Innocence, if I tried to use the second level again, in this condition, the results could be the same as when I'd tried to shield Kanda at the orphanage.

"Can't you sense Innocence too?"

"As far as I know… only when the Innocence has activated itself. I've never had to sense dormant Innocence, but… if he's not in the town then he's too far and we know he's not here." I didn't want to have to keep shooting her down, I wanted to find the old man and I wanted to find him as soon as possible, but there were things I couldn't do and there were things I wouldn't do because I _knew_ I wasn't able to do them. Hevlaska had told me to wait until my synchro-ratio had risen that I should not and could not release the second level of my Innocence unless I wanted to end up connected to a bunch of machines or dead and considering how far from base we were, I didn't doubt I'd end up dead. If Yeegar found out that I'd done something like that… he wouldn't have been happy with me and I couldn't disrespect him like that, especially not after… everything.

"Can you search for a Finder then?" the Chinese girl asked desperately.

I shook my head, "Unfortunately, no. I can only find shapes, so I can basically tell you about how many people are here, but I can't tell you who they are."

"Then we can only hurry!" Allen cut in before Lenalee could ask any more questions. I nodded in agreement, there was nothing my Innocence could do for us now and I hated the feeling of uselessness that threatened to overwhelm me.

* * *

_I couldn't concentrate on anything but keeping my feet moving. I needed to just keep going. My tummy growled, saying that if I didn't eat soon, I would be in pain. Maybe Kanda was right, maybe I shouldn't have run away from the Order without at least finding a way to feed myself. It wasn't like I ate normal amounts of food. Once again I hadn't fully thought my actions through and instead left myself to deal with it later, even though it caused ten times more trouble than it should have. I had no way of communicating with the people here, unless I lucked out and someone spoke English well enough to understand me, but that didn't seem likely. Instead I'd decided to hide, my stomach could wait until I felt a little safer to bother me. The man I'd seen was undoubtedly a part of the organization I had fled from and I didn't believe the higher ups hadn't informed people to look for me, so I couldn't let that man find me, or I'd have to return to that hell hole and things would only get worse. They wouldn't be lenient on my because of my age, they would be harder on me because they thought I would learn faster if they burned it into my head at a young age. I didn't agree._

_ I couldn't understand it no matter how hard I tried. Why didn't I have the right to live my own life like all the people out here, why wasn't I given that right, that chance? Why did someone else get to decide everything for me, someone who wasn't even related to me at that! I hated it. I hated it so much._

_ My stomach continued to make low, rumbling noises, informing me that I needed to eat and do it soon, but with my head buried in my knees, I merely sat there, hoping something would change, hoping the fear would go away._

_ "Are you hungry?"_

_ I shook my head, not bothering to look up. I couldn't tell a random stranger I was hungry. The last thing that Kanda had told me was: Don't accept food from strangers. If you're going to be stupid enough to run off, then you'd better be smart enough to survive it._

_ He never acted like he cared, but in his own way, he'd told me not to die, or at least, not to die of a stupid reason. "Your stomach is telling me otherwise. Would you like to join me for a meal, child?" Again I shook my head. "You're still quite the interesting girl, aren't you, Shiyuki-chan."_

_ I froze. The hair on the back of my neck stood on end, my eyes, though covered b my hair, widened. All I could think was:_ Oh no, oh no oh no no nononononononono oh no_ as I continued to silently freak out. My muscles were too tensed from the sudden fear for me to move, but I tried anyways, immediately tripping over myself and sprawling forward, only the impact never came. "Are you alright?" The voice of the man in black freaked me out and I tried to pull away from him, the weird thing was… he let go. If I had known he was going to do that, I wouldn't have pulled away so hard and gone crashing into a wall, but it didn't seem likely that he would let me go at all. "Why you know my name?" I asked, eyes narrowed into a glare that might have terrified a rabbit. I didn't think he'd be able to understand me at all._

_ The man's hair had long since turned gray and wrinkles made themselves at home around his eyes, but he looked familiar, of course he did, he was one of _them_, but I couldn't explain why I didn't feel as though… he was after me, why I didn't get the feeling that he was going to take me back to that place. He wasn't the one covered in metal, no he was different from that scary man… and then I remembered it, his voice. It had aged a bit, but that kindness hadn't changed. In a sense… I owed him my life. "We've met before, remember?" he replied with a small smile. I nodded barely in response, but my lack of actual cooperation didn't seem to faze him at all. "I won't force you to go back there if you don't wish to." He whispered with that same smile, "I know you hate it there."_

_ "You… won't?" disbelief clouded my tone, my eyes stared up into his with little trust. I could only trust Kanda and Lenalee. They told me so. I couldn't trust the men in the black and gold coats, they just wanted to hurt me, like the men in white. That's all they wanted. That and my Innocence. I wasn't a person to them… I never would be._

_ The man before me though, he continued to smile. "I promise. I won't take you back to the Order and I will not inform them you are with me. Fighting the Earl is something that will have no meaning if you don't wish to do it on your own. If you are forced to… then…" he shook his head, frowning ever so slightly. "No, no. I won't force you to return if you don't wish to. I can help you control your Innocence though, if you'd like."_

* * *

Even now I couldn't really understand why I'd trusted the old man, but it had been a good decision, probably one of the few that I'd ever made (according to Kanda my decisions sucked) but Yeegar had been someone I could trust. With my issues, that was saying a lot.

"Allen, Lena-chan," I hurried over to the two, we'd separated momentarily, in our search for a Finder, only to meet up again five minutes later. "I didn't find anyone." From what I could see, they didn't either and both muttered responses like mine. "Then let's head to where he was when Allen and I last saw him. We can continue from there." I received two quick nods and we were off again. I could tell we were all tired from the running and searching, but not exhausted, we all knew that we would have to fight the Noah, or at least Akuma to protect Yeegar-gensui and were attempting to save our energy, I just hoped I wasn't relying too heavily on the predicted outburst of adrenaline. It was never the best thing to depend on.

We picked up the pace though, moving faster to make up for some of the time we'd lost while searching. If we couldn't find him soon… if he was left to fight against the Noah for a long period of time, I doubted even a general would be able to stand up to them and come out from the fight anywhere near unscathed; but then, I wasn't an optimist. Allen seemed to be of the opinion that nothing could keep Yeegar down, but… he was only human. Humans fell. Humans died. Always.

I was one of the last exorcists to ever train under or with Yeegar, the others had lost their lives fighting against the Akuma I'd run away from. Sometimes I would wonder why the general had ever offered to train someone like me. The people he'd cared for died fighting against something I'd cowered from, they'd never see the light of day again, their bones turned to dust from the Akuma's poison. Maybe he'd done so in hopes that one of his students would live. It couldn't have been nice watching those younger than you die one by one.

The old man had suffered enough through the years, those damned Noah should have left him alone, but… that was merely wishful thinking and I knew it. We kept running.

But we were too late.

I could almost feel it in the air as we came to a halt, eyes searching wildly before finally landing on the Finders. Only the first half of his questions had left Allen's mouth before the broken look on the other man's face registered, a sick feeling began to swell in my gut, my eyes burned, my throat became dry. Then Lenalee let out a scream. I was barely able to bring myself to look, but I slowly turned my head as my eyes grew wide and my mouth opened in shock. I stopped thinking entirely. Stopped breathing. I swear my heart stopped.

He was chained to a giant oak… with his own weapon. A hollow, empty feeling consumed me… vaguely I could later recall Lenalee wrapping her arms around me and leading me away from the sight, but the image would forever be burned into my retinas, I would never forget it.

* * *

**A/N**: This chapter took a lot longer than I thought it would. I hit a wall (as you can probably tell) and just couldn't push it as far as I wanted. The next chapter SHOULD be easier, but since school started up my time as been in low supply . I actually should be writing a paper right now, I just... don't want to. ^^' Saya should be reuniting with Kanda soon, for those of you that want to know.

* * *

**Anemos**: Haha, Saya's pretty close with Hevvy. It actually surprised me a bit ^^' I'm the author that creates the character then lets the character do all the writing. Saya's like a backseat driver in my mind. I didn't actually intend for her to have any special feelings for Hevlaska, but she took that into her own hands. Don't worry though, Lenalee will certainly get her vengeance... oh and she'll enjoy it too.

**Blitz182**: I'm honored that you dared read my story! Even more so that you enjoy it! =D I'm glad you like Saya too but there will probably be moments where you hate her, trust me, sometimes I hate her and she's my own creation o-o

**Hane Ookami**: You enjoyed yourself then? That was the goal =D The story, with this chapter, gains a serious feel too it and I wanted there to be a little more fun before the real dangers set in and the chance for comedy becomes a tad bit displaced. I will insert it when I can, but from this point on the funny moments will be a little more spaced out.

**Lathya**: The only reason for the repetition is that Saya mentally points it out to herself every time Kanda glares at her, she likes the idea of silently mocking him because it just doesn't work and probably never will.

* * *

**A/N #2:** Soooo yeah, I decided to respond to reviews in the Author's notes. =3


	21. Chapter 20: Recovery

**A/N:** I want to apologize for how long it's taken me to post. For freaking ever, I know, but even though it's short, here's the next chapter.

* * *

"Shiyuki, come walk with me?" Komui asked, his face serious, a strange, very strange contrast to his normal goofy look, but I guess the fact that he wasn't hanging all over Lenalee was proof that he understood the gravity of the situation. I should have given him more credit. Pushing myself to my feet and slowly walking over, I joined the head of the science division and glumly kept my eyes on the tips of my mud-caked boots. "Shiyuki, I'm sending exorcists to travel with the remaining generals. I'm going to send you to meet up with Kanda, Daisya Barry and Noise Marie to protect Tiedoll-gensui." I nodded once, not daring to let myself speak, I didn't want to hear my voice crack. "Lenalee is going with Allen to find Cross… you'll be on your own. You need a golem."

I almost stopped walking. Komui was right, I really needed a golem, not because I would be off on my own, but I'd come back to the Order of my own violation, I had told myself I'd become and exorcist, for real this time. Without a golem I wouldn't be able to communicate with the other exorcists on the field and that could lead to something as utterly horrible as what had just happened to Yeager. If we'd been closer… if he had a team to protect him… then perhaps he would have been able to communicate with them and call them closer… perhaps he wouldn't have died.

I'd stayed in that lonely little room with him until the end, declining all Lenalee's attempts at getting me to leave. I'd stayed until Yeager had finally closed his eyes and passed on. I owed it to him. The man had outlived all his official students and while I was something like a part time student, I owed it to him to stay there, to let him know that at least one student had outlived him. To him… it might have been something like a comfort, but for me, it was painful. I had grit my teeth and stick it out for the old man though, he'd probably been the closest thing I'd ever had to a father, he'd been a teacher, a friend, and the only person I could really talk to outside of Kanda and Lenalee. He was one of those people that I couldn't imagine life without, but now… now I had to live that life.

I needed to have something with me to remind me of him, always. "Yeager-gensui's golem." I whispered, voice hoarse. Komui made a small sound of confusion, waiting for confirmation of some kind and I raised my eyes to look at him directly, gaze determined, fierce. "Yeager-gensui's golem."

"The golem is… new. Within a day I can re-configure it to recognize you as its owner. Are you sure though? That sounds like a painful reminder."

"I'm sure." There was no taking it back. "I'll leave when it has been re-configured then." My response was met with nothing more than a solemn nod.

* * *

The golem wasn't the only thing Komui had given me. He'd said that it would get cold on my trip to meet up with Kanda and his team and had also given me a thick coat with the Order's symbol emblazoned on the front. Real silver and all. Lenalee had argued with him for a moment, telling him that I shouldn't travel alone at all, but there was little point to it, I was already half way out the door before she finished speaking. She told me to be careful before letting me leave, among a number of other warnings, like what the Noah looked like and that I should flee rather than fight with them, but I was sure we both knew that I couldn't guarantee such a reaction after that they'd done to Yeager.

Traveling on my own wasn't something I needed to get used too. In fact, it was almost more comfortable than listening to the conversations of others and being expected to join in. I was used to being on my own, but at that moment, I didn't want to be. I wanted a shoulder to cry on, but I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to let myself wallow in sadness, weakness, or pain. I wouldn't. I had to be strong. For Yeager at the very least. The determination I'd forced on myself wasn't the strongest emotion, it was still vastly outweighed by the emptiness Yeager's death had left me with, but it was something, at least I didn't feel completely empty. Even if it was fake… I wasn't completely devoid of emotion.

I was traveling through Germany, on foot now. The trains didn't quite reach the town that Kanda, Daisya and I would be meeting up in. Not that I knew if they knew I was on my way. Komui was busy with a lot of things and I wasn't close enough to contact them on my own. I checked in with the Order a few times to make sure the meeting place hadn't changed, but mostly I just kept walking. I spoke little German, but enough to get a room at an inn for the night, ask for directions and order food. Of course, I didn't really _have_ to order food, but it was a lot easier to get someone else to make it for me than to hunt and cook food myself, that's what restaurants were for after all.

My expression hadn't changed since I'd began walking, my face had remained as close to blank as I could get it, but when I saw my reflection, I could see sadness and anger. I would never be able to forgive the Noah for what they'd done to Yeager… the wound was too fresh and too new to forget it, to try to act normal. I doubt I could even fool Kanda into thinking I was getting over it, slowly but surely. A sigh escaped my lips as snow crunched underneath my boots. I hadn't seen so much as a glimpse of a Noah and the Akuma that had come after me were all pathetically weak Level Ones. Nothing challenging had arose since Yeager's death and I was grateful for that, but at the same time… I wanted something to take my anger out on.

"HEE HEE HEE!" The screeching laughter was painful for my ears, but it wasn't what stopped me in my tracks. The barrel of a pistol was staring me in the face and the cold metallic touch of another to the back of my head was just as sudden. "You're that girl that Cross saw aren't you! He was looking for you hee hee!"

Blinking past the gun, I stared into the face of… a gray skinned blond that had a light atop his head, vaguely reminiscent of an Angler Fish. He was a Noah. It took less than a second for my Innocence to activate, forming a protective shield around my body, strong enough to block any bullet, but I was sure that's not what these two had packed their guns with. "She's an exorcist! HAH!"

In the very back of my mind, I wondered why the Noah claimed they were better than humans when their retards were more annoying than regular human stupidity. "There's kind of a symbol on my chest in bright freaking silver that should have told you that before you got close enough to point a gun at my head." I pushed the shield out quickly, making the area it covered much larger, sending the two Noah flying backward for a moment.

It wasn't until after they had managed to regain their balance and stop laughing uncontrollably that they spoke to me again. "Where's Cross! HAH!" the blonde asked, his mouth was sewn shut, but that hardly stopped him from grinning broadly. The insane look in his beady little eyes just seemed to grow more crazed with every passing second. "Where? WHERE! WHERE!"

"No idea." I replied.

"Don't lie to us sista. We know he went to your crib." The blonde's partner, a dark haired male Noah with lots of face paint, seemed slightly less annoying, but equally crazed.

"I don't have a crib." I replied, confusion outweighing anger for a moment. "Are you insinuating that I'm _pregnant_?"

"Nah, nah!" he laughed, not dropping the gun even when he gripped his stomach as though my question had him splitting his sides with laughter. "A crib is your house! We know he went there!"

"Over a freakin' year ago or something." It was probably closer to five or six months in reality, but that hardly mattered. The truth of the matter was that I had not seen Cross since I'd kicked his smarmy ass out of my run down shack a week before Kanda had shown up with Lenalee and Allen to knock me out and drag me back to the Order. The same Order that I'd gone back to of my own free will a few months later. Yeah… I have a history of great decisions. Time to make another one.

"I don't know where he is and I really don't care. You can either leave me alone and leave while I'm being nice or wait for me to kick your ass in about five seconds."

"Hah! You're funny sista." The term "sista" was beginning to annoy me greatly. "You gotta tell us where Cross is. He's been leadin' us everywhere!"

"And only leaving bills behind! HAH!"

As much as I loathed the Noah at the moment… I almost pitied these two if they were being left with _Cross's_ bills. I'd heard plenty of rumors and unhappy grumbling through the years I'd spent in the Order; the man had a skill for spending money and getting out of the trouble that generally followed. For someone who didn't _make_ any money, he sure lived high. "That's nice. Go bother someone who cares." The only thing keeping me from fighting them at the moment was the memory of what had happened to Yeager and the knowledge that I was outnumbered and they had potentially powerful ranged weaponry. I could fight from a distance, but if they got too far away, I wouldn't be able to do much more than defend.

"Come on Sista! Look at this!" the dark haired one half screamed and half whined while his blonde counterpart continued to laugh hysterically. From his pants that were too tight to have any pockets but apparently did anyway, he removed a ridiculously long piece of paper and nearly shoved it into my face. All I could make out before he started waving it around while pointing at it as dramatically as he could were too many zeros for anyone's comfort. "He keeps leaving us THIS! Did you see those prices? WHY IS HE CHARGING US FOR HIS CRAP!"

"HEE HEE! He runs away and leaves us to pay!" the blonde one was speaking in a combination of shrieking and hysteric giggling. If there were a name for it, it would likely be Shriggling, but that just didn't encompass the ridiculously annoying and hysterical sounds he made.

My facial expression was one of either utter annoyance or uncaring. Whatever these idiots were complaining about, they shouldn't be complaining about it to me of all people. "I. Do. Not. Care." If enunciating each word didn't get it through their thick skulls then nothing would, but regardless, I forced myself to keep walking, Innocence ready to strengthen the thin shield surrounding me if necessary.

They continued to walk with me, complaining, giggling and shouting in a manner that had me seriously wondering if they were actually of the Noah Clan and not wannabe members given an impossible task as their initiation ceremony. "Hey, c'mon, you can tell us where he is!"

I sighed, irritated beyond believe. My hands had folded into fists, nails biting into my flesh like staples. "Considering I don't know _where_ he is in the first place, no I can't."

"Can't you just call in or somethin' yo?"

"No." I wouldn't have even if I was running away from the Order again or if I wasn't back of my own free will (whatever). I, like most people, thought Cross himself was a horrible person, but it didn't change the fact that he was an exorcist and by being one, he saved lives, however indirectly. By opposing the Earl, he kept people from dying and I wasn't going to sell out anyone; I'm not that petty. I'd had just about enough of these two hounding me and even if they seemed less and less dangerous with every moment that passed, I kept my guard up and shot them one of the glares I had used to scare people before. Kanda was good for something at least. "You have three seconds." I rarely did the counting thing, it always reminded me of parents scolding their unruly kids. "Three." I wanted them to leave me the hell alone though. "Two." They had yet to move, but I was already gathering strength in my Innocence, pulling whatever shreds of darkness that I could get ahold of. Cold tendrils of shade snaked into my Innocence, waiting to be released. "One."

"WAIT RIGHT THERE!" a shout exploded from a building, grating through the air with the force of an angry bull. I deactivated my Innocence almost instantly, letting the power seep away. A hefty woman stomped over and towered over the three of us, her face darkening with a frightening intensity. A piece of paper hung in each hand and as she held up one, I saw a relatively well drawn image of the two Noah. "This is you two, right?"

"Looks like them to me." I answered in an almost sing-song voice.

The woman nodded at me and proceeded to grab the twins by their shoulders and drag them away, telling them (over their screaming denials of course) that they needed to pay their friend's bill. Cross was either an incredible genius or an amazing ass. No one else could effectively force their enemies to pay bills like that… and if I knew anything about Cross… then that bill was likely more than either of them could afford with three wallets full of money. The only irritating part about the solution to that fiasco, was the idea that Cross had somehow managed to be the one indirectly saving me… I was very far from happy with that idea. Another irritated sigh escaped me and I decided it was time to keep moving. I only had so much time to catch up with Kanda and his team and after that I had to explain to Kanda why I was there and what had happened to Yeager. He probably knew already, but that didn't really change anything. He only knew that Yeager was dead and it was the Noah's fault. Komui hadn't been able to bring himself to speak of the details… I didn't blame him.

* * *

**A/N:** Yeah, it's a lot shorter than most of the previous chapters, but I'm still trying to get back in the habit of writing fan fics. I've been mostly focused on essays and all that stuff since the last time I updated. Essays and "writer's constipation" so you might be able to tell where I was having trouble, especially with the twins. I love them, but they're insane and hard to relate to, making writing them a little difficult for me. My insanity is of a different breed.

* * *

** Reviews**: _Shaybo27_

Thank you for the compliment! I hated writing that part, but writing requires sadism. I'm not kidding!

_Violet the Wolf_

Here's that update you wanted so badly! xD


	22. Chapter 21: Feels

It had probably been a good thing I hadn't tried to fight those two Noah, but my reaction had been a great deal calmer than I'd thought it would be. Perhaps it had been the days of travel… maybe they had given me enough time to calm down and dull the pain from Yeager's death, but I couldn't be sure and I didn't bother thinking on it too much longer. I didn't want to cause myself any more pain. I didn't have too much time to think on it as I was already in the town I was supposed to meet with both Kanda and the exorcist named Daisya Barry in. Soon after I arrived I was met by a Finder who took it upon himself to lead me to a dark little restaurant where I found one other exorcist, considering the lack of long hair, I assumed instantly that it was Daisya Barry.

"Oh, you're the backup exorcist Komui told me about? I'm Daisya Barry, nice to meet ya."

I stared at him blankly for a few seconds before sitting down and removing my hood. "Shiyuki." I didn't bother watching his expression. If he recognized my name, he would say something, but he didn't so it seemed likely that he'd forgotten about the girl that ran away. He'd trained with Kanda, but they'd probably finished their training a while back. It was no surprise he wouldn't remember the name. "How long have you been here?"

He paused to think for a moment before answering. "I got here two days ago. The other exorcist, Kanda, should be here soon. I'm only waitin' here because he's supposed to get here today. You two seem to have some good timing. Don't expect him to be nice though, Kanda's mean to everyone."

I almost smiled, he had no idea that I already knew Kanda, very well at that. Well enough to call him by his first name on occasion… I'd need to talk to him again, the very first moment I could stand to speak about Yeager… I would talk to him about it, about what I'd seen. Kanda was the only person who could say just the right thing and mean it. Maybe it was because everyone else was too caught up in trying to comfort me while Kanda just told me what needed to be said, he got my mind back onto the train tracks and kept it there. I hadn't realized just how much I'd missed him. "I know Kanda. Don't worry. Enough to know that getting comfortable is a bad idea. We won't be here long after he shows up."

As Daisya nodded I called a waiter over and began to order food. Despite the length of the list, it was a bit shorter than what I normally ate. I knew that I should be getting as much food in me as possible now because we weren't likely to stop for too long once Kanda got there, but my mind was too shot for me to really think of anything that didn't mitigate my appetite. "Holy damn… are you really going to eat all that?"

"My Innocence is a parasitic type. We eat a lot more than normal people because we have to feed the Innocence too, in a sense. So yes, I will be able to eat all that. Hopefully before Kanda gets here, but if not, then he'll just have to wait for a few minutes." I replied. "He won't like it, but he'll have to deal with it."

"I really don't think you know Kanda."

"I do." I smiled slightly, not perceptibly, but it was there, a secret smile to myself. "I'm the girl that ran away five years ago." I watched the recognition pass over his face. It wasn't like it was some secret I needed to keep, so I didn't really see a problem with telling him. "So yeah, I know Kanda pretty well. He can deal."

Daisya remained relatively silent after that, probably because I wasn't likely to respond to him when eating, but just judging by his facial expression, I knew when Kanda arrived. The Japanese exorcist sat down and sent me a glare. "What are you doing here."

"Orders." Wasn't that a familiar excuse? I was just finishing up the last of the food I had ordered, so after a few seconds, I actually gave him the details. "I've been assigned to Tiedoll's unit. I thought Komui would have told you. He told Daisya."

"Che."

"You hung up on him before he finished speaking." I sighed, propping my chin up with my fist and giving him a sidelong glance. "You miss things when you do that, but whatever. I've finished eating, so we can leave whenever. I'd rather move at night, if it's all the same to you guys."

"We're leaving." Kanda grumbled, sending me a glare. I was standing up before Daisya, but he wasn't exactly falling behind, despite looking back and forth between Kanda and me.

"What did Komui tell you guys about Yeager's death?" I had adopted a business tone, there was no emotion in my voice, something Kanda picked up on quite quickly.

Daisya had already gotten used to the bland tone, or didn't mind it in the least. "Just that the Noah killed him."

"His internal organs were removed without leaving a mark on his body. We found him chained to a tree with his own weapon."

"You found him?" Daisya asked, an eyebrow raised.

Kanda stiffened, just barely, as I answered. "Yes. I was returning from meeting with General Yeager alone with Allen Walker. Lenalee Lee was in the area when we heard Yeager was being attacked. We didn't get there in time." As soon as we'd left the restaurant I'd pulled up my hood again and hid my face. It was hard enough to talk about what happened, but if I started crying because of it, I didn't want anyone to see my face. I took a moment to breathe; my heart was pounding and my eyes stinging just remembering what I'd seen. "He sang until he died, a song the Millennium Earl or the Noah put in his head. The Earl is looking for the Heart. He thinks it's likely that one of the generals is host to it."

Silence reigned as we moved forward, to the place we were supposed to meet with Marie. More than once I caught Kanda looking back at me, trying to determine whether or not I would be a liability. He didn't say anything though, he never did when people were around. He probably wanted to ask about my Innocence but showing he had feelings in front of well… anyone was not very Kanda like. When we finally stopped for the night, there were a few hours before sunrise. "Okay, who's standing guard first?" Daisya asked, looking at Kanda.

"I will." I replied without thinking.

"You sure?"

"Yeah. Can't sleep at night anyway."

"Well, if you're sure Shiyuki."

It took five minutes for Daisya to begin snoring. Almost as soon as Kanda was certain his teammate was asleep, he sat next to me. "Your Innocence?"

"I can use it again. It's… a little painful at first, but I don't really understand it according to Hevlaska and Komui. Regardless, I can at least raise shields again." I glanced at him and frowned. Kanda was watching my face, waiting for me to say something… about Yeager.

"Are you…" his eyes narrowed as he tried to force himself to speak, "alright?"

"No." I didn't need to think about it. "I'm not. I don't know if I ever will be… not right now anyway." He frowned when I finished speaking, his eyes watching mine, searching for something. "You should sleep."

"We'll leave a few hours after dawn. Wake me when the sun rises."

That was the most I'd heard him speak since we were kids. Usually he let me do all the talking and all the worrying. It was a little weird that he was obviously concerned, but he knew how close I'd been to Yeager, he'd asked enough questions about what I'd done during those last five years to get a feeling for what I'd thought of the old general. He'd already picked up on my actions, he already knew how hurt I was, but he didn't know that it wasn't the first time I'd felt this pain and he probably didn't know that I was regretting ever having come into contact with Yeager. If only I had thought to ignore him… that that I wouldn't be feeling the way I was now.

* * *

_ "Saya, I've seen your file, you know. Your history is not something I would wish upon a child." I stared at the old man, already fighting the urge to flee. "That orphanage was a horrible place, wasn't it?" I nodded slowly, wondering if that was all he knew and staring at him like a deer in headlights. "What happened to you before then child? How did you get there?"_

_ "No." I replied, eyes on the ground. "Not telling."_

* * *

"Oi, Kanda." I stood next to the sleeping exorcist, waiting for him to wake up. His eyes opening instantly and he sat up, hand on mugen's hilt. "It's sunrise."

He relaxed slightly and nodded, standing to take the next shift. "Sleep."

"Don't have to tell me twice." The joke was hollow, he knew it and so did I, but I still fell asleep instantly.

Kanda didn't wake me up, neither did Daisya. My own dreams had. My body jolted upright, heart in my throat. It took me a second to realize where I was, to understand that what I'd seen a moment before had been a lie. My head dropped into my hands and I took a few shaky breaths. It had been so long since I'd had such nightmares.

"_Yume ka?_" (A dream?) Kanda's voice caused me to jump. He was staring at me, expressionless. He was the only one who knew I'd suffered from recurring nightmares as a child and apparently he still remembered. My response was a slow nod. "_Nani ka?_" (What about?) A shake of the head was the answer this time. "Che."

"_Gomen. Kodomo no toki no yume. Ima ni hanashinai. Gomen._" (Sorry. It's a dream from my childhood. I don't want to talk right now. Sorry.)

"Che, _wakatta, baka._" (I got it. Idiot.)

"_Arigatou, Kanda._" (Thanks, Kanda) I would have called him Yuu, but I had no idea when Daisya would wake up and there would be unnecessary problems if he heard me use Kanda's first name and not get rebuked.

"Che." The expected response. "_Neru ka?_" (Can you sleep?)

"_Iie_." (No.)

Kanda nodded once before kicking Daisya's leg violently. "Get up. We're leaving."

"Hrm, what? Shouldn't we let Shiyuki get some more sleep?" The sleepy young man asked with a yawn.

"I'm already up." I replied, withholding a sigh. He looked at me with a raised eyebrow as he pushed himself to his feet, muttering about how none of his teammates ever let him sleep. I almost told him to shut up, but didn't bother, his sleep hadn't been interrupted. "We should probably rest a little before sundown or we'll reach the meeting place too early."

"Che." He was saying that a lot this morning. That was the fourth time he'd _che_'d at me since I woke up.

"Was that a 'yes; or a 'too bad?'" Daisya sighed. "I can never tell with him."

I shrugged in response. Who really knew with Kanda anyway? I knew him pretty well, but I wasn't in the right state of mind to translate his che's at the moment. We were walking almost immediately and if it hadn't been for the hours of training with Kanda a few months ago, I probably would have been more than exhausted, but if nothing else, we'd managed to build up my stamina a bit. There wasn't much talking, I'd already pulled my hood back over my head and kept my mouth shut, Kanda was never very talkative so even though Daisya tried multiple times to start up a conversation, there wasn't much talking done. I wasn't in the mood to hold up a conversation with anyone, not even Kanda, as I'd proven to the both of us earlier that morning. If I couldn't really speak to my best friend of all people, it was unlikely that I would be able to hold up a conversation with anyone else.

Eventually Daisya seemed to pick up on it, but he was either woefully inept at judging one's mood or he didn't care. "You knew General Yeager then, Shiyuki?"

I was silent for a moment before I managed to nod. "Yeah. He was supposed to train me. I met him a few times while I was away from the Order." I could see Kanda's back tense in front of me and began to wonder if he would have been this tense about everything if I wasn't so obviously out of it, or if he usually was and I'd just never paid enough attention to notice.

Daisya made an odd sound, but decided not to press it any further. A few hours before sundown we arrived in a town and I almost instantly began walking toward the first restaurant in sight. The other hooded exorcist chuckled a little and Kanda made his little annoyed sound, but they both came nonetheless. It was always a bad idea to get between a parasitic type exorcist and food, especially when we'd been walking all day and I hadn't said a word in complaint. In short, I was famished.

I ordered twice as much food as I had the last time, getting a surprised look from both Daisya and the waiter, while Kanda merely demanded they make soba, even though it wasn't on the menu. It wasn't until the cook came out and informed him that he had no idea how to make soba that Kanda ordered something else, glowering the entire time. A few of the other diners had looked over at the table with confused and disbelieving looks. It had seemed like forever since the last time I'd managed to eat my fill, not since before Yeager's death and while it hadn't been too terribly long (about a week) it had been long enough to get my appetite back so long as I moved a lot and didn't think about it.

That night we booked two rooms in a local hotel in the Order's name and I managed to get about three hours of sleep before I woke up again, this time because of my own inability. I moved to the window and proceeded to stare at the sky and thought. My Innocence was much different from the other parasitic types that I had been in contact with; Allen, a man named Suman and although incredibly brief the man named Krory. Allen and Suman's Innocence both resided in their arms, transforming that part of their body and Krory's was in his teeth. Mine was in my brain and I could only assume that had to mean something. I didn't have much information on who had and who hadn't voted to kill me as a child, but I knew for a fact that Yeager, Tiedoll and Klaud Nine had been for keeping me alive, all using the excuse that my Innocence would grow with me. I was almost eighteen now, my birthday wasn't too far away and while my Innocence had seemed to be doing just what they had predicted… it seemed to backfire almost the moment I decided to join the Order on my own. Something was wrong with me, since there was never any problem with the Innocence itself and mine seemed capable of healing all on its own.

The Will of the Innocence. Yeager had told me to think about it, think very hard on it. What did my Innocence want me to do and what did I want to do. They were generally the same thing according to the old general. He had wanted to protect people, all people, but I didn't care about random bystanders, I only cared about the people close to me, I only cared about the faces that I knew and I could, occasionally, give a damn about children, while they were young and innocent and temporarily incapable of the horrors that adults were capable of. I was strange. I trusted Akuma more than I did people, but at least I wasn't as strange as Allen. I didn't want to save the souls inside the Akuma, I didn't care about the people who turned into them or created them. I didn't care about people I didn't know. I couldn't care. I'd tried before, to get over the past and leave it behind me, to let it go, but no matter how hard I tried, something always happened to convince me that I was right to hate.

I closed my eyes and took a breath, leaning against the windowsill, relaxing as much as I could. My Innocence. It was… what was it? According to all the scientific reports that I'd read on shadows, they didn't exist. Darkness wasn't real, it was merely an absence of light. So how in the world did I have the ability that I had? How was it that I could move that which didn't exist, how could I form it when it wasn't there? I didn't understand it. No one ever had. Yeager had asked me if I knew what my Innocence really was, if I knew what it was actually supposed to look like, but I'd never been able to answer. I didn't know what my Innocence currently looked like, let alone what it was supposed to look like. If I closed my eyes and tried to imagine it… I could only think of a mist.

"Oi." My eyes snapped open and darted to the left. Kanda was leaning against the window of the next room over, the one he shared with Daisya. I raised an eyebrow at him, wondering why he was talking through a window when he wouldn't have bothered with anyone else. "Don't fall again."

"I won't." I replied with a small laugh. "Daisya is out cold then?" Kanda nodded, his glare still present, but his guard was up, he expected Akuma to appear any moment and I didn't blame him. We were close to Barcelona and all we'd heard from people as we got closer was that something was going to happen, people were moving. "Need me to check for Akuma?"

"No." Silently he was asking what the point was. If I could only sense them while they were transformed, then I probably wouldn't be able to find any because if they were currently transformed, it was likely that we would be able to hear them shooting at something or someone. Since we couldn't, it was a relatively safe bet that there were no Akuma around at the moment, at least none that were looking for us. "Did you sleep?"

I must have been seriously out of it if he was asking such direct questions, but I nodded anyway. "Yeah. No nightmares this time. I'll tell you about them one day, Kanda. Promise. I'm just messed up right now."

"I know."

He would. He always knew. "You're being exceptionally nice right now, you know that?" He didn't respond. Instead he just crossed his arms and glared at nothing. Part of it was definitely because of his strange respect for women. He had always been much nicer to Lenalee and me than he had been to anyone else. We were only called idiots on occasion and were never threatened. We didn't use his first name carelessly though… "Has Lena ever called you by your first name?"

The question had randomly popped into my head when I'd thought about how differently he treated the two of us. I couldn't help but want to know if I was just… given a little more special treatment. "No." It was a damn good thing it was dark out or he would have seen the red that I knew was covering my cheeks. Lenalee had never called him by name and yet I had and gotten away with it, more often than anyone else. Lavi used his name more often than I did, but I never got threatened.

"Have you ever…" I began, intending to ask him if he'd ever felt the same disconnect with his Innocence that I had, but I changed my mind a moment later. "Nah, never mind." I saw him glare at me from the corner of his eye. He'd always hated it when people began to ask him something and then changed their mind, but he'd never had a problem using his Innocence before, hell he was one of the best exorcists in the Order. It was doubtful he'd ever had a problem with it.

"What?" His voice was gruff, annoyed.

"Hmm…" I hummed almost silently, watching his reaction as surreptitiously as I could. He was getting a little more annoyed with each passing second. "Has it ever been hard for you? To use your Innocence? That's what I was going to ask, but… it doesn't seem like you've ever had the trouble that I have with it."

"Che."

All day. He kept making that sound all damn day. I didn't know why he was making it, but my guess was that my moping was irritating the hell out of him. I couldn't help it. It would probably be a great deal of time before I managed to get over it. "I'm supposed to figure out the will of the Innocence. It's something I have to do on my own, but I'm not sure how to figure it out I guess. I'll figure it out. I've got all the nights in the world to do so, don't I?" He didn't respond. "It's a little odd you know? My ability is to manipulate shadows, but they don't _exist_. They can't be studied or sampled. All darkness is, is the absence of light. Makes me question just what my Innocence really is. I'm supposed to be some kind of disciple of God, but what I do is generally considered the work of evil. The darkness has always been considered evil to humankind. Yet I'm supposed to use it to save people." I glanced at him once again and he was no longer watching me, instead he was staring at the sky, just like I always did. Was he searching for something? He couldn't possibly find astronomy interesting like I did. Kanda's hobby was gardening, even if he never got to do it anymore. "Have I ever told you that I'm Atheist, Kanda?" His head moved, eyes on me instantly, a confused look on his face for a fraction of a second. "Guess not."

"Why?"

"Plenty of reasons. My Innocence is one of them. The entire war is another. What kind of being would create mankind, create the Millennium Earl and then watch them fight each other, watch them kill each other. When you create something don't you want to see it thrive? See how well it can do? Why create something just to oppose them? It seems like a bunch of bull to me. The Innocence is God's gift to us, to help us fight the evil? Why don't we get a choice then? If we were to go by who would actually qualify to be a disciple of God by the church's standard… I don't think either of us would qualify and Cross and Sokaro certainly would not."

"Hn." Just that single sound informed me that Kanda had never thought of it like that. He'd never really questioned things the way I had.

"Besides, what kind of God lets the people that worship him or her or it send children to war? What kind of God chooses children to be its disciples and sends them to their death?" I didn't expect an answer and Kanda knew it. "What kind of God puts people through hell and back, makes them hate and loathe people and then gives them no choice but to save those same people?"

"I don't know."

"You should get some sleep Kanda. You wanted to leave in a few hours right? It's not like it's all that late yet." He didn't say anything for a few moments, just kept standing there. I listened closely for the sound of Daisya's snores and could just barely hear them, growing louder. He couldn't hear me over the sound of his own sleeping. "Yuu, you need to sleep."

"Don't think on it too hard. You'll figure it out in time." By the time I turned to look at him, he had already disappeared back into the room. He hadn't offered me real advice about anything aside from fighting since we were kids. It was one of those moments where he showed that he cared, but he didn't want to stick around to deal the aftermath of everyone realizing it. It was like he was embarrassed, which was kind of cute.

I shook my head and hopped out of the windowsill, closing the window as I silently told myself to stop thinking such stupid things. Kanda was my best friend. My BEST. FRIEND. Nothing more. I couldn't be thinking about him as cute and I needed to stop blushing, but I couldn't help it. He just managed to say things that sometimes made my heart skip a beat. Why was he able to do that to me? Why?

A few hours later, there was a knock on the hotel room door. Kanda was outside with Daisya, both ready to go. The place we were meeting with Marie wasn't far from the town, but we had to meet him at the arranged time. If we met him earlier we could draw more attention than we wanted to and if we showed up late then Marie could have drawn all the attention. We were with Kanda though, so I wasn't worried about arriving at any time but the right one.

We met with some Finders on the way and from the way they looked at Kanda, I could tell they knew of him and how he really didn't seem to give a damn about anyone. As we got closer to the meeting place, Kanda had given me a nod, to which Daisya had begun asking questions. "Oh? What's this? What's that mean Shiyuki?"

"Means he wants me to start looking for transformed Akuma in the area." I replied as I activated my Innocence and slipped my senses into the shadows. "Three, all level two. Judging from their position, they're hoping to ambush us as we turn towards the lake over there. Finders, stand close to me. At the very least I can shield you." Kanda sped up, Daisya was close behind him and I lagged a little with the Finders, I wasn't moving slowly, we were all jogging for the most part, we just weren't trying to keep up with Kanda. If it was just three level two Akuma I could trust Kanda and Daisya to finish them up quickly. As soon as I saw bullets, I had a half sphere above the Finders and I, but it wasn't necessary. Kanda and Daisya took out the Akuma almost before they'd had a chance to finish shouting, "Die Exorcists!"

I deactivated my Innocence and we caught up with them, only to turn a few minutes later toward the lake, where Marie was standing in a boat, waiting for us to board and head on to Barcelona. As we boarded the boat, Daisya began to introduce me to Marie. "This is Noise, Marie, he trained with Kanda and I."

"Hey Marie, it's been a while." I said, giving the large exorcist a small smile, even though he couldn't see it.

"Saya." He replied with a nod. "It is good to hear you are well."

"Wait a minute, you two know each other? And Saya? Am I the only one that doesn't know what's going on here?" Daisya was looking around in confusion, his eyes going back and forth from Marie to me. Kanda was glaring, but didn't look any less grumpy than usual, but his eyes were on me, wondering when I'd met Marie.

"We met on a train when I was heading back to the Order. He told me all kinds of interesting stories about when the three of you were training with General Tiedoll. And Saya's my first name. I just prefer to go by Shiyuki until I feel I know someone well enough."

"What about me?"

Even though I already knew what he was asking about, I couldn't help but say, "What about you?"

"Do I get special permission to call you by your first name?" He asked with a grin.

"We'll see." I told him with a shrug. "I feel like no one calls me by my surname anymore though."

Daisya laughed and his grin never disappeared. "Well, we'll be traveling together for a while. I guess I have plenty of chances to get to know you a bit. After all, Kanda never said a word about you. I bugged him about you every day and he never said anything."

"Shut it Daisya." Kanda growled from his own little corner in the boat, shooting the rest of us an irritated glare.

"Isn't that exactly what you said back then too?"

* * *

**A/N**: So uh yeah. I know it's been forever since I last updated and I'm quite certain a few people removed Blade Chord from their watch list or whatever it's called, but here you go, chapter 21. I've been reading the DGM manga the last few days and realized how much I missed Saya. So I wrote another chapter. No guarantees on whether or not there will be more after this, but there might be since I kind of want to watch DGM _again_. I can't help it, I'm a hopeless addict. Anyway, Saya's more than a little out of it. She has feels and doesn't know what to do with them. I hope Daisya wasn't too OOC, but he's not one of those characters that you really get to know before he's offed so I wasn't entirely sure how to write him.

As for Kanda, I think he's definitely a bit OOC here, but the feeling is kind of similar to when he very awkwardly told Lenalee that he felt she was a strong woman just after the whole Ark arc (lol). If it's awful, let me know in very nice words. It's been a while since I've written anything vaguely like fanfiction so I'm a bit out of practice and I'm definitely out of practice when it comes to first person because everything I've been writing since the last update has been in third person.

Answers to reviews:

**Ananymous: **I'm glad you like it. I've got no idea if I'll be posting any chapters soon, but I might. After this semester ends.

**Azura Soul Reaper: **Yes, he does! I love how he did that to the Twins. I couldn't help but put it in this fic somewhere.

**MistGirl1423:** Thanks! You're not nagging me too much though, since it's been about nine months since you left the review that I'm responding too xD

**Pinkbeca: **Thanks, I hope you enjoyed this newest chapter.

**DancingDynasty**: Thank you so much! There's nothing better than being complimented on my writing abilities. Saya's head is all kinds of messed up though, so you might not be as in it as you think. It's coming though, she's slowly opening up and then her actions will be much more easily understood.

**Anemos:** From what I've noticed, the only golem with a name in Tim and that would probably be because Cross created him and he's much different from the other golems. I don't think any of the others grow. As for the twins… Saya currently has no intention of ever telling Kanda that she ran into them. Nor does she have any intention of bringing up the indirect save by Cross. She considers more of a fortunate circumstance than a save, or will at any rate. I hope you enjoyed Saya and Kanda's reunion!


	23. Chapter 22: Nightmares

I'd been to Barcelona once, about half a year after I'd first fled the Order, but I'd only stayed for about three days. Not long enough to get to know anyone and certainly not long enough to memorize the layout of the place, but I remembered the tower in the center of the city, the biggest thing there, the only thing that could be seen regardless of where you were in the city. Who would have thought it would become useful?

Even as we got there, Akuma were everywhere, level ones and twos, all over the place, killing and getting trapped by Finders. Kanda, Daisya, Marie and I were busy almost immediately. At first I had tried to stick close to the group, but a few explosions later and we were separated. If I really wanted to be certain I would get out of this alive, I could just form a shield around myself and wait it out, but I wasn't going to do that. Instead I was going to fight. The more I killed, the less there were to go after my teammates. I continuously told myself that I would be able to help them out if I took out the Akuma, but there were so many that I knew one exorcist would never make a dent. Even if the four of us were together I wasn't certain we'd manage to get through all this unscathed. It became more of a battle to survive than one to win.

A few hours after we started, sounds came out of my golem.

"Where are you guys?" It was Marie. "I'm two kilometers to the west of that tower."

There was some static before Daisya's voice broke through, claiming he was to the east and a moment later Kanda said he was to the south. "I'm just north of it. You'd think the Akuma set this up."

"We'll meet where Marie is, at dawn." Kanda grumbled. There was some more static that probably came from Daisya's golem and the ever irritated exorcist decided to point it out. "Your sound sucks Daisya."

"My golem hasn't been doing so well lately." I managed to piece together what he was trying to say after a few minutes, but it didn't come through clearly at all.

"Why didn't you get a replacement when it started messing up?" I asked, a little irritable that he hadn't gotten it fixed before we had to go guard a general. The response was nothing but static and before even one word came through clearly group of Akuma appeared to my left and I raised a shield, blocking an onslaught of bullets. "Talk to you guys at dawn. They found me already."

Since I'd first managed to use my Innocence when defending the Finders with Yeager, I'd gotten a little better at using it. It wasn't as painful as it had been that first time and I didn't have to think as much as I had before, but it wasn't as easy as it had been before my Innocence broke. I wasn't trying to do too much at once though. When the first wave of bullets was over I dissolved the shield and formed the shadows into spears that shot up from the ground, piercing the shells of the Akuma too stupid to move. I didn't want to stay in the same place for too long, the best way to stay alive at the moment was to try to remain in hiding for as long as I could, so that I didn't exhaust myself.

My golem followed my closely as I moved, keeping to the shadows of the buildings and the night. The tower was in sight and I was moving slightly to the east, closer to Daisya, but he had been over three kilometers to the east, much farther from the tower than I was. I slipped into a small alley between two houses and leaned against the wall, taking a few seconds to breathe. Drawing too much attention to myself at the moment was a bad idea, but I wasn't going to let the Akuma kill me. One came too close for my liking and my Innocence activated almost without my command, wrapping around it and dragging it down like a cloak, muting the sound of the explosion.

I hadn't known I could mitigate the sounds of the explosions, but that would be very helpful. Already in this one battle though, I had killed more Akuma than I had in the five years I'd been gone from the Order. It made things much easier when I could make less noise and still kill off the ones that got too close, but I kept moving every now and then, staying stationary would be the death of me.

More static came out of my golem after a while and I heard Kanda and Marie questioningly call Daisya's name, but there was no response. "Oi?" Again, no response. Another noise came out of the golem, but there was far too much static for me to make out what it was saying and halfway through the static another Akuma appeared, screaming the two words it knew, die and exorcist.

When the sky began to brighten, I made my way to the designated meeting place, moving quickly. "Saya, Daisya, where the hell are you?" Kanda was obviously already there with Marie.

"On my way. I'm not far." I replied quietly, not entirely sure the golem was able to pick up on the sound, but there was no irritated noises from him, so it probably had. There was no word from Daisya though, not even an annoying amount of static.

"Daisya?" Marie's voice came through the golem, concern lacing his tone. We hadn't heard anything from the other exorcist since that last bit of static; that I hadn't been able to catch due to incoming Akuma. They seemed to be gone now, only two or three level ones tried to block my path as I moved and I was able to take them down quickly enough. I was a little injured, bruised and had a large cut in my shoulder that looked a lot worse than it was.

I saw Kanda and Marie before they saw me and jumped down from the building I had been running on. "Still no word from Daisya?" Marie shook his head, Kanda just glared at the wound on my shoulder and I shrugged slightly in response.

"We'll go find his golem." Marie was already on the move. "Then we'll tend to your wound, Saya."

"Blind, but doesn't miss a thing." I smiled a little and Marie replied with the same expression. How he knew I was wounded, I didn't know, but I guessed it had something to do with the sound of my voice. Or he could smell the blood. We moved fairly quickly, but when we arrived… I stared, bile rising in my throat. "The same as Yeager." I whispered, unable to tear my eyes from the scene before me. Daisya was hanging upside down from a light post, his golem fluttering around him. Kanda wore no expression, Marie looked pained and a group of finders nearby looked as grave as though they had given up hope. It took a few minutes for someone to lead me away, the roll of bandages in the finder's hand the only reason I managed to move.

"Shiyuki-dono." I glanced up at the man as he motioned to my shoulder and shrugged off the coal and shifted my shirt. I was wearing an undershirt that was strapless and sleeveless, making it much easier for the finder to clean the wound. "Will you be alright?"

"I blinked at him, but nodded slowly, he wasn't Kanda, I wasn't forced to tell the complete truth. As messed up as it was, I hadn't seen Daisya up there, but General Yeager. "How bad is my shoulder?"

"I'm no matron, but it doesn't seem too bad. This could sting a bit." He sprayed something (an antibiotic or a disinfectant or something) in the wound and I had no reaction. I didn't feel it. "I guess you're used to worse." He whispered, more focused on his work than conversation.

Marie and Kanda approached us, Kanda glaring at the wound as it was being wrapped and at the man doing the wrapping, but said nothing. Marie, however, spoke, his voice calm. "General Tiedoll is nearby, we'll leave as soon as Saya's bandaged." The finder nodded and began to work a little faster. "Saya, you said it was the same as Yeager, right?" I made a small sound of agreement. "Then there was a Noah nearby. We'll have to hurry, you might not get the chance to rest for a while."

"I'll be fine." I replied, voice devoid of emotion. "It won't be the first time I've gone a while without sleeping."

"Alright, I'm done." The finder began cleaning up the mess he'd made. "Try not to stress it overmuch until the skin has healed over, at the very least and here, take some clean bandages and disinfectant. Change the bandages regularly to avoid infection. I'm sorry I can't do more."

"Thanks." I said quietly, placing the bandages and such into two of the many pockets on my uniform. "We'll be going then, before the general moves again."

We found Tiedoll not too far from Barcelona actually. We'd moved quickly for a few hours before we found him, but when we did, Kanda and I stood back as Marie told him the bad news. The general began to cry. "Kanda, is that… normal?"

"Che. He's always too damn emotional." The Japanese man grumbled, his eyes closed but his eyebrow twitched slightly; he wasn't unaffected by his teammate's death.

A few minutes passed before the general moved to join us. "I have a duty to perform. I will find more disciples." Kanda and Marie both sighed, but neither protested. Then the general looked at me. "And you are?"

"Shiyuki, Saya." I replied with a respectful bow. "I have also been assigned to your team."

"Ah, Saya-chan, Yuu-kun's childhood friend. When did you come back to the Order? I expected you to remain gone forever."

"In all honesty General, so did I." I have never expected to go back, but despite the pain it was causing, I hadn't second guessed the decision made in Switzerland. "I can answer some of your questions as we move though. After last night, the more space between us and Barcelona the better."

Tiedoll nodded and we began walking, despite the image and vague memory I had of the man, he seemed very down to earth, still laid back, but determined to carry out the job given to him. He was just a bit different from what I expected. "So, when did you come back?"

"It's only been a month or so. I was found and brought back about half a year ago, but since then I've seen the changes… I supposed it's a tolerable place to be now." Considering I was back of my own will, but I wasn't going to tell anyone (other than Kanda) why I really came back.

The general shot me a knowing look and I couldn't help but think he knew already, even without me saying anything. "Oho, you're so different from the dark little girl I met nearly a decade ago. You know, when Yuu-kun was training with me, he'd shut that mouth of his the moment you were brought up. Isn't that right, Yuu-kun, Maa-kun?"

Marie smiled as he agreed, but Kanda looked tense and irritable as he snapped, "Don't call me that!"

"You are my darling child, I will call you what I want!" Tiedoll retorted, hardly bothered by Kanda's irritated glare. "So, Sa-chan," I blinked, staring at the old Frenchman in confusion. Had he really just given me an equally embaradding nickname? "You were injured in Barcelona? Was it an Akuma?"

"Ah… no." I forgot that my jacket had been torn, but when I glanced at my shoulder, I remembered that a Finder had repaired it while my shoulder as being bandaged and raised an eyebrow at Tiedoll. "The injury was caused by falling debris from a house. How did you know my shoulder was injured?"

"Ma-kun told me, of course! Until it is healed, I expect you to take it easy. Understood, Sa-chan?" The look he gave me was frightening to say the least. U suddenly understood how this man had succeeded in keeping Kanda from walking off. All I could do was nod. "Good, good. You never had official training, did you? Aside from occasional contact with Yeager." I stiffened at the old man's name. "While we're traveling, I could help you a bit, if you want." I got the feeling I didn't get a choice.

* * *

"You could try meditating." Tiedoll told me later that day. "Try it with Yuu-kun, it should give you the chance to better understand your Innocence and it won't stress that shoulder of yours." Tiedoll was vehemently opposed to me doing anything that could possibly strain my shoulder in the slightest. It was a little frightening actually. I'd thought the man was a kind, but eccentric old man, but he had a surprisingly scary side to him that was entirely unexpected.

"I suppose I could try that…" I had meditated with him before when we were children. "Maybe at night." Since I wouldn't be able to sleep anyway.

"Oh, that's right. Hm, perhaps we should shift our traveling times so you can get some rest." I stared at the general in confusion. I hadn't said anything, how could he possibly have known about that? Kanda looked a little surprised as well, he was frowning more than usual, but he'd actually glanced at the general that he'd been absolutely determined to ignore for the last few hours. "Komui had Ma-kun bring me a detailed report of your Innocence and also informed me that you don't like to admit to… well anything. Like Yuu-kun!"

"Well, that's unexpected…" was all I could say on the matter.

We rested a few hours before sundown; I passed out almost before I'd even lain down. When I woke, Tiedoll and Marie went to sleep, leaving me to be accompanied by Kanda, who was meditating, obviously because no one could really sleep in that position and he wasn't snoring, as he did when he slept. I assumed he just wanted some quiet and silently seated myself next to him, mimicking his pose. It was completely silent for a short while until an odd spluttering sound caused me to jump. "What was _that_?" I turned around, looking for some strange animal or something.

"Tiedoll snores." Kanda grumbled from beside me. His eyes were still closed, but I could see the irritated tick forming.

"That's the strangest snore I've ever heard."

"Shut up and meditate."

"Even your snoring is normal, quiet, but normal."

"I _don't_ snore."

"Yes you do." I shot back. "You passed out in my room once, remember?"

"I was making sure you didn't run off again." He defended immediately, opening his eyes to shoot me one of his many glares.

I let out a short snicker and matched his look to the best of my meager abilities. "By falling asleep. So efficient."

"Just shut it, Saya." He growled. "Meditate already."

"_Hai, hai_." I droned in response, a small smile tugging at my lips as I directed my focus at my Innocence and what it could have possibly wanted from me and that I wasn't giving it. Could it have possible wanted me to save people? To give up the hatred I'd held onto for most of my life and… forgive? I had trouble forgiving anyone, even Kanda and Lenalee, hell… had I ever actually forgiven Kanda for taking me back to the Order? I didn't mind now, but… I didn't ever consciously forgive him for that. A sense of guilt filled me. Sometimes Kanda knew me better than I knew myself, so he probably knew that I hadn't forgiven him even when I had never thought about it. "Oi, Kanda."

"Hn." If nothing else, I knew Tiedoll would probably understand Japanese and Marie would know what I was saying from inflection, so I decided to keep my words precise, to the point and definitely lacking in a subject, even if it confused Kanda. Luckily, Tiedoll's strange spluttering snore continued uninterrupted behind us.

I glanced at him, but his eyes were closed. I was interrupting his meditation and probably annoying him. Oh well. "Sorry." With that I closed my eyes and focused on meditating again.

It took a fraction of a second for Kanda to respond, a confused sound came out of his lips, utterly mangled by his shock at the suddenness of my apology. I had my eyes closed, but I could still tell he was staring at me. I was almost pleased with myself, almost. "What the hell are you talking about!?"

"Shut up and meditate." I told him with a small smile. He scoffed, indignant, but probably kept his composure without much trouble. He was such a weirdo sometimes.

I was already feeling better after messing with him just a bit, I couldn't be sure if he knew what I was apologizing for, but he'd figure it out eventually, since he was at least food at that. We only waited another two hours before I was made to wake up Tideoll and Marie because if Kanda did it, he would kick them awake. "How did meditating go?" Tiedoll asked almost as soon as he could form a coherent sentence.

"Ah… um…" I blinked at him and glanced at Kanda. "It might have been a start?"

He raised an eyebrow at my reaction and shrugged. "Well, Sa-chan," I mentally cringed at the nickname, "you need to understand your Innocence better, correct?" I nodded warily. "When stressed it doesn't react well… Have you been overly stressed recently?"

"Me? _Stressed_? No. Not at all. Fighting for my life, having people die on me, all while trying to figure out my feelings toward my best friend, not sleeping, dealing with complicated Innocence problems _and _not eating anywhere near enough wasn't stressful at all. Nope. Not at all. "Nope." Kanda shot me a glare. Ahahaha… he already knew I was lying.

Tiedoll turned and hunched his back just enough so that he was at eye level with me and put on that creepy face. "Sa-chan. I hope you are being perfectly honest with me." I felt myself pale considerable. This man could be really freaking scary. "Now, how stressed are you?"

"Very, when you're in my face like that." I retorted instantly. Kanda made his little annoyed sound of amusement and Marie chuckled. "I'm _fine_, General."

He frowned. No one ever believed me anymore. "We're resting in the next town." He decided suddenly, causing me to sputter at him (something I didn't normally do). "No arguing! Yuu-kun and Ma-kun are tired too!" I really couldn't argue with that, because I was fairly certain everyone was getting exhausted by going on with only about two hours of sleep each, but weren't they all pretty much used to it by now? It was bad enough that they'd all had to shift their travel plan for me, but now we were stopping somewhere for what honestly felt like the same reason? I was beginning to feel like more of a burden than an exorcist assigned to help defend the general.

I really, _really_ needed to work on that.

Marie seemed to sense my internal distress, or picked up on my huffy little defeated sigh. "Don't worry about it. One can never argue with General Tiedoll. He's just that kind of person." That didn't make me feel any better. "And he decided the next town because it is said to have some very nice scenery." I blinked once and stared at Marie for half a second before my jaw dropped open just slightly and my gaze was directed to Tiedoll, who was smiling merrily as he continued on his way. "He wants to paint." Right. It was Tiedoll after all.

* * *

We arrived when everything was just beginning to open up, early morning, just after sunrise. Shops were opening and restaurants were opening and without even thinking about it, I made a beeline for the place that smelled the best. Tiedoll just chuckled and said, quiet loudly, "Yuu-kun! Go with Sa-chan! I don't want anyone wandering around on their own, okay!" Then, when I glanced back in confusion, the general actually _shoved_ Kanda in my direction while he and Marie went off, most likely to book rooms at the hotel, or to find that place he wanted to paint.

Somehow, I managed to wait for Kanda, even though he probably wouldn't have been able to lose me even if I tried and I couldn't help but laugh a little at the curses he was muttering angrily under his breath. He only complained about the people he liked. Well… complained a hell of a lot about the people he liked. Okay, I was bullshitting, but I knew that he at the very least didn't utterly despise Tiedoll… much. Anyway, as soon as Kanda was within ten feet of me, I was moving again, towards whatever it was that smelled so damn good.

What I found shocked me just a little. An honest to goodness… traditional looking Japanese restaurant. I stared at it hesitantly for a moment, wondering if the people inside were really capable of actually cooking traditional Japanese cuisine, but when Kanda strode inside without a problem, obviously expecting me to follow, I went along with him. As soon as we were seated I raised a brow at my best friend and said rather nonchalantly, "If they don't have soba as good as Jerry's and you _complain_, I will kick you or something."

"Che." He responded, flicking his eyes up to give me that one glare that said to _shut up_ because he totally knew I was right and that he would complain. It wasn't the cook's fault that no one could compare to Jerry. The cook at the Order just seemed to have some kind of magic hands or something because everything he made was so freaking delicious that even _Kanda_ had never complained about the soba and that was certainly saying something.

The menu came and I glanced at it, frowning slightly because it was just a little… short. These people, who probably weren't Japanese, didn't know how to cook too much Japanese food or they didn't have the resources to cook a lot of it. It wasn't like we were near the ocean or even a lake, so their fish supply couldn't have been too great and the same went for the large amount of other things that mainly came from the ocean. Hell… seafood was a huge part of Japanese cuisine; how could they make a Japanese restaurant and not have some kind of access to seafood? I was a little confused to say the least, but I saw soba on there so I already knew that Kanda was going to be a little less irate. The waitress returned with two mugs of green tea that looked freshly brewed and left, after her eyes lingered on Kanda for a while.

There was no way he hadn't noticed, because he was Kanda, but now we were both wondering if the waitress was actually an Akuma or just some regular human who thought he was cute. Before… back before that whole window incident, I might have messed with him a little, teased him about how she was giving him a look, but now… I kept silent and tried to understand why I was filled with a sudden dislike for the waitress even though I didn't know her. A few minutes later she returned and I fought the urge to frown as she asked for our orders. "Soba." That was all Kanda wanted, not that it was unexpected.

"I'll have about three of everything." I replied, irritation seeping into my voice when the woman seemed to ignore me. That was my best friend she was oogling and I didn't like it. Kanda glanced at me, already sensing the irritation that usually came from him, but said nothing. "Yes, I mean three of _everything_." I stated again when she finally looked at me with an incredulous expression. Normally I didn't get so irritated about people giving me that look when I ordered food, because I was fairly used to it. Sometimes I enjoyed that look of disbelief, but not today and certainly not from her.

When she left again, I felt a little better as she did not have an excuse to come back until our food was done. "Che. What was that?"

He had a smirk on his face that served to irritate me just a little more because it seemed like he _knew_ what was going on in my head even though I barely understood it myself. "She was too busy wishing she had your hair and ignored me. I want food too you know." His smirk didn't disappear, not that I really expected it too.

Kanda got his food first and if it hadn't been for the fact that Kanda _always_ got his food first when we ate together, I would have accused the waitress of stupid things, but since I always have such a large order… it was just a _little_ obvious that it would take longer to get me my food. When it finally started coming, I whispered an _itadakimasu_ and chuckled just a little when I heard Kanda grumble the same thing. Hard to forget heritage after all.

I continued eating, much to Kanda's discomfort, the waitress's amazement and probably the owner's joy until I was completely and utterly full. The food wasn't that bad even though Kanda still made a face at the soba after he'd tried it. Nothing could measure up to Jerry's food after all. And the mean little part of me had been entirely amused by sending the waitress back and forth to get more food or refill our tea. "Not quite as good as Jerry's, but it was pretty good. For a Japanese restaurant in the middle of a very non-Japanese place." I commented as we left.

Kanda gave me a slightly disturbed look. "Did you taste any of that? It was a disgrace."

I tried not to laugh at him, I really did. "Just because it wasn't as healthy as real traditional food doesn't mean its taste is bad. The taste was pretty good, for the most part. I had soba too, you know. That was seriously lacking. I don't know what they did to the broth, but that was not what they were supposed to."

"The noodles were too thick." I couldn't help but stare at him. Was he really complaining about the thickness of the _noodles _of all things?

I couldn't stifle the little laugh that burst out, even when he started glaring at me. "Didn't I say I'd kick you or something if you started complaining?" The glare intensified tenfold. "That doesn't work on me and you know it. We should probably get to the hotel… it's a good thing there's really only one in this town or we'd never find it."

Tiedoll had gotten two rooms, one for me and one for everyone else. That was, I suppose, one perk of being the only girl in a group of four. As soon as I got to the room, after informing Tiedoll that we'd arrived and that yes, I'd managed to eat my fill for the first time in a long time, I headed to bed. If anyone tried to tell me that I'd get fat from eating and then sleeping I would have calmly pointed out that _that_ was a myth and I had to travel and fight enough that any excess body fat would be gone, despite how much I ate. The head nurse had told me so before, when I'd been curious enough to ask.

Before sleeping, I managed to change the bandages on my shoulder wound, albeit messily, but good enough for the time being. I could probably ask Tiedoll to help me when I woke up. I didn't want to ask Marie because… well he was _blind_ and I didn't know the extent of which he could hear. I don't think you can hear the location of a wound at least… and I didn't want Kanda to do it because… well… I just didn't.

I passed out the moment my head hit the pillow.

* * *

_ Screams. Screams of pain and anguish and sorrow. Laughter. So much laughter and so much red… blood. It was blood. It wasn't mine… it was… no. It couldn't be. The bodies were scattered around me, all familiar faces and it hurt, just to look at them, it hurt so much… I felt like I was dying. Crazed eyes turned to look at me… a smile, a huge smile was on that blood covered face as it stalked toward me, each step bringing that monster closer. It moved faster than I did, I couldn't back away fast enough, the distance was closing, the blade glinted in the moonlight._

_ It laughed, a crazed laugh, one that sounded high, high on the blood of others… of those people that were important to me. I screamed as the blade came down, but it didn't connect, there was no pain. My heart hurt, my chest felt like it was caving in, my eyes stung, I wanted to die, but all I could hear was that laughter tapering off and then more screaming. "MONSTER!" Monster? I was the monster? I hadn't killed them… I hadn't killed anyone. How… how could I be the monster… what was going on? I couldn't see anything… but I could smell the blood… I cried._

* * *

My eyes snapped open, breath coming in heavy gasps, my shoulder stung, the bandages were spotted with red… I must have moved too much in my sleep. Glancing out the window I noticed the sun was still up and judging from its position it was barely about noon. I had only slept for a few hours.

Laying back down, my eyes locked on the ceiling, I realized I was covered in sweat, but I didn't move… I wasn't going to get up and I highly doubted I would be falling asleep any time soon. I hadn't had a nightmare since… that night before we'd met up with Marie. That dream had haunted my childhood… still haunted me now. There was nothing I could do to get away from it… nothing. How was I supposed to get any sleep if any time I got more than two hours I woke up again, covered in sweat, with my heart about the burst out of my chest. I was still trying to get a hold of my breathing and almost five full minutes had passed since I'd opened my eyes. Finally I shuddered and placed my head in my hands, closing my eyes and focusing on my breathing. Two seconds later that… _that face_ popped into my head again and my eyes snapped open once more.

It was nearly an hour before I calmed down enough to think. Marie had probably been able to hear me, considering the man could hear Akuma and well… the sound of Innocence. I wasn't aware Innocence had a sound, though I certainly knew it had a feel… so it wasn't unlikely that he knew I wasn't sleeping well, at the very least and it wouldn't take a genius to figure out that it was nightmares. Maybe he would figure out that I didn't want to talk about it and leave it alone… I could really only hope.

* * *

I felt like I'd gotten less sleep last night than I had the few days we were walking around the countryside. Every time I fell asleep, I might have gotten three or four hours of sleep until the nightmare came back and it wasn't always the same one. Sometimes it would be that one, sometimes it would be something from when I was in the Order as a child, sometimes it would be something else… One thing was for certain though… they all woke me up and left me unsettled for an hour or more and by the time we left the hotel, I felt more exhausted than when we'd gone in. I couldn't be sure what the hell was going on, because I didn't have nightmares very often before… Yeager's… death. That had to be it. Seeing his death sparked something in my mind and made me unconsciously remember details from my past. Ugh. That was irritating.

Marie being blind made it so much harder to tell if he was going to bug me about my nightmares or not, because he didn't _glance_ over at me, which was so much easier to notice than… anything else. I was probably going crazy, if I hadn't already done so and just hadn't realized it yet. Banging my head against a door or tree or something might have made me feel better, but I got the feeling I would manage to knock myself out and become even more of a burden.

Everyone once in a while I caught Tiedoll looking at me from the corner of his eye and wondered if Marie had told him and every few minutes I'd try (and fail) at convincing myself that Marie couldn't hear nightmares through the walls of a hotel.

It was during one of my ridiculously long mental tirades that Marie's head snapped to the left. "Akuma. They're nearby." It was the middle of the day, my Innocence wasn't particularly… useless during the middle of the day, but it certainly wasn't at its best. That didn't matter though. If there were Akuma…

I looked over at Tiedoll to see the old man had dropped his smile and a moment later he nodded. "Go on then."

Somehow, magically or something, I managed to keep up with both Kanda and Marie despite lack of actual sleep. It didn't take too long to find the Akuma… we really just had to follow the scent of smoke and fire into a field. The entire place was being destroyed, unsurprisingly and of course, the moment an Akuma saw us and recognized the coat, they all began shouting. "EXORCIST!"

Something about the way they continuously shouted irked me and I reacted the same way I normally did; ran within range, activated my Innocence and proceeded to impale the creature with its own shadow. Only… I blinked in confusion for a half second and created a shield… with far more ease than I had ever been able to do during the day. The Akuma that I had killed… had nearly been entirely obliterated by a huge pillar of shadows that had shot from the ground. I hadn't intended to put that much power into it. "Oi, Saya. Too much power, _baka_."

Kanda had landed nearby, a couple dead Akuma informed me that he had already done more than I had, but apparently stopped when I froze for that half second. "I didn't _mean_ to put that much power into it. It just kind of… happened I guess?" He glanced over, irritated and a little confused. Obviously he was thinking that I should know exactly how much power I put into things because otherwise I would exhaust myself. "I used just as much effort as I had before."

"Che." A little of that irritation had disappeared, but he didn't say anything, just left, to continue killing the level ones surrounding the field. I followed suit, experimenting with my Innocence now, putting less and less effort into my attacks until I knew I was using just enough. Before it had seemed like second nature, but now? It felt like all those years before had been filled with me trying way too hard for meager results.

* * *

**Kanda**

Saya looked exhausted, even when she tried to hide it. It didn't show on her face, but it was easy to see in her eyes, especially when you've known her as long as he had. That troublesome idiot probably hadn't slept well, even though that fucking idiot Tiedoll had essentially stopped for her. Che. It was probably those damn nightmares again. She never spoke about them as far as he knew and when they were kids she pretty much told him everything. Including things he didn't really care enough to know. It seemed that all the things that he actually _wanted_ to know were the things she hid. God forbid Kanda actually be _worried_ about someone, but he realized he had to be when he noticed he was grinding his teeth in frustration.

Marie stopped walking and Kanda's eyes darted in his direction. "Akuma. They're nearby."

Kanda followed the direction Marie's head was facing and saw smoke and fire from a field. The killing had already begun. "Go on then." Tiedoll didn't like letting people die.

He was a little surprised to see that Saya was keeping up relatively easily considering her current state, when he and Marie hadn't slowed down for her. Something was a little different about her. Kanda's focus shifted to the Akuma as soon as they were within reach and he unsheathed Mugen, running his fingertips along the blade as he activated the weapon. _First Illusion: Netherworld Insects_. The bugs burst from his sword, tearing into the Akuma before him. Two were down when he saw a huge spire of darkness nearly swallow an Akuma whole and he paused to glance at Saya to see her eyes wide for a fraction of a second before she whipped up a shield to defend against incoming bullets. What the _hell_ was she doing using that much energy on one Akuma?

"Oi, Saya. Too much power, _baka_." He chided, landing nearby and instantly cursing himself the moment the words left his mouth. His tone had been just as irritable as always, but the words were far too nice.

"I didn't _mean_ to put that much power into it. It just kind of… happened I guess?" She didn't sound very sure of what she was saying, but it only took a glance for Kanda to understand that she was telling the truth. She hadn't intended to use so much power. She must have been more exhausted than he thought. "I used just as much effort as I had before." What. It wasn't often that Kanda was confused, but that did it, just a bit. He made his sound before moving. He was certain that she wasn't dying and it didn't look like she was about to collapse… No, he was not mentally admitting that he was _worried_, he just didn't want the girl to break her Innocence. Again. Especially when they were too far away from anyone that could help her. What the hell was Komui thinking?

However, if it seemed to be getting easier for her, maybe she'd figured something out, something her Innocence had wanted her to do. She wasn't quite at a level where she could handle too much stress; she wasn't shielding and attacking at the same time like she'd been doing before, either because she couldn't or because she was worried about overloading her Innocence. Maybe her abilities as an exorcist had grown slightly.

He was right, more likely than not. She'd figured something out. He didn't know what it was though and while he would never in a million years admit it, Kanda was a little irritated that she hadn't told him, but it was still possible she didn't know what she'd figured out yet. She could be incredibly dense sometimes… most of the time. She used to tell him everything.

_I know I never told you why I hate it here so much or how I got here, or a lot of things and I want to apologize. I really should have been more open with you, you've always been my best friend, the only person I felt I could trust with everything and I betrayed that trust by not telling you anything. I'm sorry._

Okay. Not everything. Kanda was still a little miffed that there were things she hadn't told him, things that were apparently important enough that she'd thought she'd betrayed his trust. He didn't tell her everything either… more than he told anyone else, but his own past, before he'd been taking to the Main Branch of The Black Order, he hadn't told her about that. He could assume that was she hadn't told him was from before they'd met, or before they'd become close.

Che. If it weren't for Marie hearing everything he'd ask her about that damn note now that she wasn't wallowing in stupid depression.

* * *

**A/N**: Yup. That's right. Another chapter. AND ONLY WHAT? LIKE A WEEK AFTER THE LAST ONE? I know. I'm amazing. Hell, not even a week. Five days. And this chapter is freaking long. Almost 7,000 words not including this Author's note. I probably got a little carried away, but it was flowing pretty nicely so I decided not to stop writing. Anyway… I kinda _lost_ the little paper I had with the outline for what Saya's Innocence was supposed to do and when, so I'm winging it. Kidding. I did lose the paper, but I'm not winging it. I came up with an entirely new idea for it that I like much better than what I remember from the old one. No spoilers for you guys though. :D

About this chapter, part of the focus was Saya's nightmares. I wanted to address why she only had the one in the last chapter and then didn't have many throughout most of this one. It takes a little while to get into sleep deep enough for dreaming to occur and for Saya at least, it takes more than two hours. Three or four hours of sleep and then suddenly, boom, nightmares from hell. No, she'd _never_ spoken to Kanda about them and yes, he's definitely wondered about them before.

It was a little weird to throw it in Third Person focused on Kanda, I tried first person, but all I could think of him thinking was "Che. Fuck this." And that was about it. He is not easy to write, not even in third person and I don't think my style of writing compliments him very well, but I needed to throw his little viewpoint in there so that you guys would know that he's already figured out things for himself. He knows exactly how he feels about Saya, even if he's unable to admit it to himself (lol). He figured it out a while ago, he just doesn't know how Saya feels and is, thankfully, oblivious to her random mental rants on how he's her best friend etc. No worries, she'll figure it out. I've already planned out when and how etc.

Now, one last thing before I respond to reviews. You people. YOU PEOPLE. Just in the few days that last chapter has been posted over 100 people have read it and only three people reviewed. You people have no idea how much I like reviews. In fact I only started this chapter because of the THREE people who reviewed. I like reviews, they kind of point out that someone actually… oh I don't know… LIKES this fic and that is what gets me to write more. Seriously. Just throwing that out there for you.

**DGMLover12564:** Pft. I had to re-read the whole story just to write that last chapter and yeah, it had been a while. Nine months about and that's a freaking LONG time. I'm glad you liked it though :3

**Lathya:** Her realization isn't actually all that far off, it could just… take a while to write all that happens between then and now. I've got the exact moment planned out in my head and I guarantee you, it won't be the reaction you expect from her xD

**Alice O'Conelly:** Yeah, Saya certainly has a lot of feels that she doesn't know what to do about. It's entertaining, but it's also kind of a headache to write. You have to remember that she's only a seventeen year old girl who has spent most of her life by herself. From when she was little until she met Kanda and then that was only three years until she ran off and was on her own again. So feels are definitely not something she's used to. She'll figure it out though. :3


	24. Chapter 23: Expressions

"Sa-chan." I cringed and took a step back, staring at Tiedoll as he gave me that face. I think he only did it because he knew it made me feel uncomfortable. "Your Innocence has become easier to use, has it?" I nodded, taking another small step away from the strange general; there wasn't much room and I wouldn't be able to move any farther in about two more steps. "Then you must have taken a step toward understanding it. What did you do?"

"No idea!" I responded, probably too quickly. "I've been trying to figure that out too." Not too long ago, I had refused to lie at all, to anyone, now I was lying all the time, especially when it had to do with Kanda or my Innocence, which were usually both involved in all the questions people were asking me lately.

"Hm… perhaps it was a subconscious thing. Make sure you continue meditating, perhaps that had something to do with it. Oh well! Carry on then, I'll get a hold of Komui at some point in time, to inform him of your growth. We've got to keep the records up to date." I just sighed.

We were on a boat, moving very slowly toward a city in the middle of a massive late. I guess I'd fallen asleep for a few minutes, at least long enough for Kanda or Marie to relay what had happened in the field we'd long since left behind. They'd obviously figured out that I wouldn't have said anything to keep from being asked questions I didn't want to answer (Kanda already _knew_). I really hated being asked questions now, more so than I ever had before, but mostly because of what the questions were. I really wished people would stop asking me things, but then I would probably stop talking to most people. "Why are we going to the lake town?" I asked, taking a seat away from Tiedoll and stretching.

"It's a beautiful place, isn't it?" Was Tiedoll's reply. So we were going there because he wanted to paint. Somehow I was not surprised.

The boat arrived and we stepped off, Marie watching the general look around for the perfect place to sit and paint before he sighed. "General, why don't we eat first?" The moment he made the offer, my tummy began to make noise, not terribly loud, but loud enough. Marie cracked a smile and after a moment of very careful consideration, Tiedoll nodded and we began looking for a decent restaurant.

The general eventually decided on one with a window overlooking the lake, claiming the view was too beautiful to overlook. I, of course, ordered a small mountain range of food, leaving the uh… cow's tongue off my list of food. "Saya," Marie was staring in my direction so I made a sound of confusion. "Your Innocence is much stronger than it was before. Did you get a chance to gauge its strength yet?"

I swallowed my food before answering. "I think so. It seems like I won't get exhausted as quickly as before at least. It used to be that I had to _try_ to do anything but shield, now it's like I don't have to try as hard… I can use about half the effort I was using before."

Marie nodded, "Its sound is better now. I seems… healthier almost."

I blinked at him, my mouth completely full, but Kanda either read my mind or was just as curious as I was about the same thing. "Healthier? Her Innocence was _sick_?" Of course, because he was Kanda, everything sounded thoroughly irritated, more so now because when he'd ordered soba, the restaurant had thought he meant noodles and gave him a dish of French pasta.

"No, it wasn't sick, just not at its best, I suppose. Just be careful, Saya, try not to do too much." It was easy to tell that Marie was worried and I felt a little guilty, the only people to worry about me before were… Kanda and Lenalee, but now it seemed like everyone was doing it. It was a little hard to swallow.

"A-alright." I mumbled. "I'll try." All the caring was definitely a little different.

As we left the restaurant, Tiedoll shouted something and ran off, Marie following him with a sigh. The general had found the perfect place to pain and couldn't pass up the opportunity to get there before someone else did. Meanwhile, Kanda and I found a decent hotel and booked two rooms. I passed out for a few hours before the sun set and as usual, I woke up, feeling tired and hardly rested. Only three hours of sleep this time. Since I was awake and no one was knocking on the door telling me we had to go, I decided to meditate. Sitting on the floor, in the meditating position, I had just closed my eyes when someone (Kanda) practically kicked the door. "Oi, Saya."

"What?"

"Tiedoll is still freaking painting. Marie needs to sleep, so we're going over there."

"Why is Tiedoll painting in the _dark_?" I grumbled, standing and gathering my things, since I was unsure as to when we would be leaving again. Kanda never answered me, so I assumed there were lights or something.

Sure enough, there were. The general was busy painting while Kanda handed Marie the room key for the hotel and soon enough I was meditating again, Kanda sitting next to me, doing the same thing. Even though meditating was supposed to consist of clearing the mind, it took two minutes for me to get distracted by my own thoughts and to get lost in them. Maybe it was because he was sitting so close to me, but I kept thinking of Kanda. I could practically hear him breathing, calmly of course, because he was Kanda. I cracked an eye open and glanced at the young man next to me, taking in his features, his strong jawline, pale skin that was largely unblemished despite all the fighting he'd done and wounds he'd suffered though. His hair fell softly on his face, his expression was blank, lacking in the irritated furrow of his brow… he looked good.

My head snapped forward, focusing on what was in front of my, some dirt and trees and flowers and… stuff… before I finally managed to close my eyes and focus on meditating for a whole minute. Again my mind drifted to Kanda. _He's my best friend. Best friend. Best friend. Best friend. Best friend. Best friend._I began to silently chant to myself. I needed to get my mind off him. Why the hell couldn't Kanda get _out_ of my head. He was sitting right _there_, he didn't need to be in my head too. I took a breath and tried to calm down, it was my fault, it had to be, Kanda wasn't purposely placing himself in my mind. I just needed to calm down, take a breath and push everything out of my mind.

Almost a full minute had passed before I managed to clear my mind entirely when Kanda muttered grumpily. "What are you doing?"

There went all that work. "What?"

"Che. You've been mumbling since you sat down. What are you doing?"

"Uhm… thinking out loud apparently. What was I saying?" All I could think was that I had managed to condemn myself to an awkward friendship for the rest of my life.

"I don't know. Something in Korean."

I blinked back at my friend (BEST FRIEND) in confusion, I'd been speaking in Korean without realizing it? "What? In Korean? That's… different… wait. Do I mutter in a foreign language _every_ time we meditate?"

He stared at me in disbelief, like I was supposed to know this. "You didn't _know_?"

"Why didn't you tell me!?"

"How do you _not_ know when you're _talking_?"

"By being me apparently!"

"Children!" We both froze, turning slightly to look back at Tiedoll who was standing right next to us, smiling that creepy smile. "How is arguing meditating?"

"Che." Kanda immediately returned to meditating, completely ignoring the general that was still standing right there.

Tiedoll looked at me and then sighed, putting me even further on edge. "Sa-chan, come talk with me for a bit."

"Uh… okay."

"Yuu-kun will be fine if we walk for a bit." He said as we moved away from the Japanese youth. "How are you feeling?" I blinked up at him, confused. "Stress wise. You can't hide much from me young lady. You haven't been sleeping well, even when we stop for a whole day. Is there something wrong, Sa-chan?"

"Not… really."

"You can't lie to me either. I'm an old man, I know more than you'd think." He stated, giving me a warm smile (a nice change from that creepy one). "You and Yuu-kun are so much alike. You never talk about yourselves, or what's wrong, your beliefs. You're so secretive. If you can't share with the rest of us, you should at least share with each other. You can tell him anything, you know that, don't you?"

"Yeah…" I mumbled. "I know, but it's hard."

"You might just be making it hard." He replied with a hum. "You're both so difficult too. Talk to him when you're ready. He'll listen, he tried to pretend he doesn't, but he does give you some special treatment. Don't think I haven't noticed."

I glanced at the general as my face began to heat up. Luckily it was dark out and the lighting here wasn't as good as it was where Kanda was meditating, so he couldn't see the red creeping up my neck and on my cheeks. "He's just nicer to girls is all." I finally managed to choke out, as I stared determinedly at the ground, unable to even glance at Tiedoll. Why was I so flustered? Kanda was my _best friend_. I could possibly like him in any other way… could I? No. Nope. BEST FRIEND. Best freaking friend.

I was so busy convincing myself that Kanda was my best friend that I almost missed what Tiedoll was saying. "That can't be true, we met many girls while I was training Yu-kun and some of the cruel things he said to them… oh it still breaks my heart even know. He doesn't say mean things to you, not like he did to them anyway, not that I approve of him occasionally insulting your intelligence either. That's just Yuu-kun for you. He's more careful with his words around you as well… and—"

"_Gensui_." I muttered, getting his attention. "I've got enough on my mind as is, just dealing with my Innocence, I don't need or want to also have to deal with the thought that my best friend acts weird around me." I managed to stare back at him without showing the conflict I was certainly feeling. "I know I can tell Kanda anything, the problem isn't that I don't feel I can tell him, it's not even that I'm afraid of what he'll thinkg, the problem is that I am the only one who can understand my Innocence and there's no changing that."

"Maybe…" Tiedoll began after a short silence, "the first step to understanding your Innocence, is understanding yourself. Sa-chan, if you don't mind me pointing out, you seem rather detached from people. Why don't you want to get close to people? Why don't you ever talk about yourself? Why don't you rely on others? Just some food for thought, if you will."

* * *

Tiedoll had posed some good questions. I was secretive for the most part, there were many things I never told Lenalee or Kanda about, things I'd never told anyone. Some things I'd just kept to myself and some images I'd never let go, even though time had passed, I'd never gotten over… anything. The experiments, my family, my childhood in general. I'd never let anything go, I still held a few deep grudges. Why didn't I get close to people? I suppose there were many reasons, my Innocence being one of them. It was in my brain, if it broke and no one was around to help me, I would, without a doubt, die. I knew firsthand how painful it was to be the one that lived; making someone else feel that… I couldn't purposely do that.

"_Then get stronger."_

It was almost like a voice echoing through my mind. It was right, of course. If I didn't want anyone to suffer because I'd died, if I wanted to keep them from dying, I would have to get stronger. Strong enough to keep living, strong enough to protect them. If I could do that, then maybe I would mind letting some people in, people like… Marie and Tiedoll, maybe even Allen and Lavi, albeit reluctantly. Fear of death and the pain it brought wasn't the only reason I didn't want to get close to people. There were more reasons, but… just thinking about them caused me so much pain that I avoided the thoughts as best I could, instantly distracting myself with the second of Tiedoll's questions. Why didn't I talk about myself? Well that one was much simpler. I found it very difficult to talk about myself, because I didn't want people to know too much. Letting people know about me was the same as letting them get closer and I didn't want to do that because… again I was afraid, afraid they would die and I would be mourning even more people, afraid that I would die and their attachment would cause them to feel that pain.

His last question had been why did I not rely on people? I didn't want to be a burden. If something happened to someone because they had been helping me… I would never forgive myself. It was then that I realized everything Tiedoll had asked me, every single question all boiled down to one thing. A fear of death.

"_Get over it."_

Well if it were that easy, I probably would have gotten over it a long time ago, but it wasn't.

"_Too bad."_

That's when it hit me. I blinked up at the ceiling of the hotel room. We'd returned there so that the general could get some sleep. Thus I was lying awake, pondering his questions while everyone else was asleep in the other rom. So where the hell was that voice coming from? I could hear it, clearly, as though whoever was speaking was sitting right next to me, whispering almost, but there was no one there. I was the only one in the room, I was probably the only one on the entire floor that was awake and I was absolutely certain I hadn't been speaking out loud, so even if someone had been awake and sitting next to me (invisibly of course) there was no way they would have been privy to my thoughts. I was looking around, trying to figure out what it was that I was hearing when the voice spoke again.

"_What else would be capable of speaking to your mind, silly girl?"_

I was beginning to get concerned. I was hearing voices in my head. Obviously I was crazy. How the hell was I supposed to deal with voices in my head on top of everything else? I let out a heavy sigh, trying to calm down. Maybe I wasn't hearing things. Maybe I was just tired. Yeah, that had to be it. I wasn't sleeping often and when I managed to get more than two hours of sleep, I woke up because of nightmares, so I wasn't sleeping often, much or well. Maybe I was finally getting to the point where I would be able to sleep through the nightmares. Obviously I was mentally exhausted as well. That seemed to be a decent enough explanation, for me at least. I had no plans on sharing the strange occurrence with anyone else so I wouldn't have to worry about explanations working for them as well.

"_And that is where one of your many problems lies. I can speak to your mind only because I reside inside it. This has granted me something of a personality to go along with my will. It's quite nice actually, I rather like it and that is why I'm speaking to you in the first place. I'd like to keep you around because you're the only reason I can exist as I do. Have you figured it out yet?"_

Was… what the _hell_. Was that my Innocence speaking in my head? That couldn't be right. The Innocence was a glowing green thing that had taken residence in my brain and fucked up most of my life. It couldn't possibly be talking to me right now. Especially not right into my mind. That was creepy. No one had ever told me that Innocence was capable of doing that and if it really was, then I certainly wasn't going to be telling anyone. I'd had enough with the Order experimenting on me when I was a child, I wasn't going to let them do it again because suddenly my Innocence had a voice.

"_It's hardly sudden. I've had this "voice" for years. It's just the first time you've been conscious enough of my presence for you to hear me. Stop blithering at yourself, you sound like an idiot. I didn't ruin anything, it was those fools working for the Church. They just want to use you because you can use me and I can cleanse the souls of the Akuma. They're idiots. I don't particularly like them. If they are going to debate one whether or not my decision to be compatible with you was the right one, they can all go to hell. I digress. You wish to grow stronger, correct? I can help with that. If you allow it, of course. You do hold some control over me considering my precarious positioning inside your head."_

My mind blanked for a moment before I actually realized that I was capable of having an entirely mental conversation with my Innocence, in my head, without actually uttering a word. That would be interesting and it was certainly a little more than frightening. "_Okay, so, you're my Innocence, Yami no Tamashii, you're speaking to me because you're in my head and that makes things work somehow and you want to _help_ me get stronger? You do realize that you haven't exactly been helpful at _all_ in the past few months, right? You broke. Or shut down. Or whatever the hell it was you did and I almost _died_ because of that. Meaning you would have died too, or ceased to have a personality. Why the sudden change?"_ I certainly felt awkward thinking at something inside my head.

"_That was entirely _your_ fault. You tried to use fat too much power and neither of us could handle it considering the delicate state of your mind after making such a life changing decision. Don't you _dare_ try to place the entirety of the blame upon me."_

_ "Okay, okay. I was kinda at fault too. So why are you suddenly so interested in helping me?"_

_ "I already told you, it is not sudden. The only sudden occurrence is that you can now hear me. This certainly makes helping you a great deal easier. We both have the same goal, to stay alive and to destroy to Akuma, the latter for differing reasons, but nonetheless, we both want them gone. I can help you get stronger because… well simply speaking, because I know you better than you know yourself. I reside in your brain, there is literally nothing about you that I don't know."_ I didn't respond. That meant this thing in my head that had been there since birth, but was only capable of speaking to me now, knew things that I'd never even spoken of, things I'd never told Kanda of all people and that was concerning. _"Oh please, as though you could actually hide something from your own mind. I'm a part of you. Anything you know, I know. Anything I know… well you have access to. If you try hard enough. Unfortunately I don't know much. I've only had a conscious state of being since you were capable of conscious thought. Now, getting right down to business, you want to grow stronger, correct? Well in order to do that, you must first get over your fear of death. I'm not telling you that you shouldn't be afraid of dying, that would be instinctual and very difficult to stop, however, you can stop letting it interfere with your daily life. You let the past affect you far too much. I can't say that I don't understand, but I can point out that you could be a little more social."_

_ "That's much easier said than done."_ I thought back. I had already come to the conclusion that I was insane and that playing along with the voice of my Innocence was probably for the best. Maybe I was hallucinating and something that I thought I heard would give me some insight to my problem.

_"Don't think like I don't know what I'm talking about and you're not insane… well maybe a little, but you're certainly not mental and you're not hallucinating. You're in a meditative state of self-contemplation, because your mind was calm and your thoughts focused on getting stronger, you've synched with me at a higher rate, getting close to one hundred percent here by the scale Hevlaska uses. Not quite though, I don't want to alert anyone to what's going on here. They always know when someone gets to one hundred percent or higher. Now, if you really want to get over your fear… it is much easier than you think it will be. You're pretty simple, child, it's not as much work and pain as you make it out to be. My advice is to tell him about it."_

_ "Him?"_

_ "Your _best friend_." _The response came with something like a chuckle. After that… regardless of whether or not I was trying to meditate, I couldn't hear my Innocence anymore. I had to be exhausted. That was the only explanation. I had reached a point of exhausted that caused me to hear strange voices in my head and think it was my Innocence talking to me. Yup. Only explanation, but I was probably a little crazy too, I wouldn't doubt that.

* * *

Almost a week later we stopped again, Tiedoll used the excuse that he wanted to paint, we stopped in the middle of the night, in a rather scenic forest. Tiedoll and Marie went to sleep and the general's strange snores started up almost instantly. I tried to mediate, but it didn't work out all that well, so I merely stared off into space while Kanda mediated a few feet away. If that voice was really my Innocence, speaking to me in my brain by using my brain, then it probably did know me pretty damn well, it was kind of hard to hide things from myself. So it should have known that… it wasn't that I didn't want to tell Kanda, hell it wasn't even that I _couldn't_ tell him, because I was certain that regardless of anything I told him, he would understand. The problem was that I didn't know how. I couldn't find the words and I was paranoid that Marie would overhear and while I liked the Austrian, I didn't know him well enough to begin divulging my life story anywhere he could hear.

At the very least, Kanda didn't have to hear me speaking in some random foreign language while mediating, because I couldn't clear my mind enough to actually sit down and mediate. Almost the moment the sun came up, I passed out, leaving waking Tiedoll and Marie up to Kanda. I don't remember if I laid down or if I so much as fell over… I just knew I passed out the very second I could see the sun's rays peaking over the horizon.

_ Blood stained my vision. Everything was red. I was coated in it. It smelled like copper, no matter where I ran it still followed me, that smell, the bloody trail that seemed to cling to my shadow. Everywhere I looked… someone was there, covered in blood, the air reeked of decay and death and blood. Tears stung my eyes. Everyone was gone. Everyone was dead. No one… no one was with me. It was just me. I was alone. Again._

_ It was a never ending loop. No matter how far I ran, where I turned, they were still there, the faces staring blankly at nothing, mouths open just slightly, blood splattered all over their faces. They were gone. They couldn't come back. I ran. I didn't stop, not until I couldn't see, until I found a corner and huddled down there, back to the wall, hugging my knees to my chest, my eyes closed as I whispered to myself that it wasn't real, it could be real. They weren't gone. Allen and Lavi were fine. Komui was still at HQ. Jerry was in his kitchen. Lenalee wasn't gone. Kanda… Kanda wasn't dead._

I must have run off. I could remember how I had gotten there, wherever I was. Trees surrounded me, but I couldn't focus on them, I was shivering, but I didn't care. U was huddled against a tree, curled into a ball, trying to make myself smaller, to make myself invisible. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to see those images. I didn't know where I was and that only made the feeling of fear even more intense. What if… what if it had really happened and I'd only just managed to get away from it? I choked back a strangled sob and looked at my hands. Again I saw red.

"Oi. Saya."

It wasn't real. None of it was real. I was dreaming, I had to be. I was still sleeping and Tiedoll and Marie and Kanda were all there and they were perfectly fine and I hadn't lost them. Everyone was perfectly fine. Everyone was alive and well and no one was gone. I hadn't lost anyone. There was no blood. Not anywhere. The air smelled of pine, not of copper. It wasn't real. It wasn't real.

I heard a noise and instantly flinched, trying to make myself smaller. This wasn't happening. I wasn't lost in the woods somewhere. Everyone wasn't gone. They were fine. I felt a hand placed lightly on my shoulder and froze. "Saya…?" I had never heard hesitation in his voice before, not once in all the time we'd known each other. But it was _his_ voice. He was alright. He was right there. It didn't matter in that moment that neither of us were overly fond of physical contact, I threw myself at him and held on, still shaking, but grateful that he was there, right there and he was alive. "What the?"

"I thought… I thought you were gone." I felt him stiffen, but he didn't say anything, he remained completely silent for a few moments before reluctantly placing a hand on my back comfortingly.

"Another nightmare?" He asked quietly, but I couldn't speak, I only managed to nod my head in response.

Kanda made a noise of acknowledgement and moved so that we were both sitting down, but he didn't make me move, he let me sit there and hold on to him, my face buried in his shoulder. "I hate it." I whispered. "I hate always being the one left behind. I hate it. You can't go. You can't."

"Che." He grumbled, but after a few moments of silence he muttered, "I'm not going anywhere."

"I can't… I don't… if anyone else dies… I don't think I can handle it, Yuu." My voice was nothing more than a whisper, I could barely hear myself. "Everyone keeps dying… I don't want anyone else to go. I don't want to lose anyone else." He was silent again. He didn't know why I was saying this. He knew that Yeager and Daisya had died, but I hadn't been close to Daisya, not enough to say that everyone kept dying. "My parents. They died when I was little." He stiffened again. "It wasn't even an Akuma. I didn't lose them to the Earl… I… I couldn't help them. They were killed… by a human, by a normal person." After that I hadn't been able to trust people. "The worst part… was that I was there. I saw it happen and I couldn't do anything to help them. I couldn't save them. I can't save _anyone_. That _man_ took my parents and… and my older brother." I let out a choked sob, trying to hold back tears and failing. All the nightmares had caused those old memories to be stirred up, that last one… I couldn't describe how much it scared me, how much it frightened me to lose the people I cared about, how much it scared me to realize that I _did_ care about them, more than I'd thought I'd ever be able to care for anyone that wasn't Kanda or Lenalee… I'd thought I'd managed to throw those feelings away, but I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried, no matter how much I wanted to distance myself from everyone around me so that no one would be hurt when one of us died, I couldn't stop the growing affection. "I can't stand it. I hate that I… that I _care_ for anyone. I don't _want_ to. Lenalee and… and you… if anything happened to you… I don't know what I'd do."

"Nothing's going to happen." He grumbled awkwardly, his hand moving in small circles on my back. It was strange… having him comfort me like that, it had never happened before, but I'd never broken down like this in front of him. All the emotions that I'd been holding in since I was just a child, all the hatred I felt toward people, toward myself, the mistrust, the grief… I let it out at that moment because I knew, even without him saying anything; I knew that he wouldn't hold it against me. He wouldn't bring it up again, he would just let it sit, knowing that he was the only one I'd ever told about before I'd been taken to the Order. It didn't matter that it was an empty promise. We both knew that he couldn't really promise that nothing would happen to any of us, not when we were fighting a war every day of our lives. We both knew there was a very high possibility that neither of us would actually make it out alive, but while there was still even the slightest chance that we could survive… we'd have to fight for it. We'd have to fight to end the war. So that we could all live without the fear of Akuma and the Millennium Earl looming over our heads.

* * *

**Kanda**

He'd been jolted from his sleep when someone let out a pained cry. He sat up instantaneously and saw Saya running off, the whole situation so sudden that it didn't seem like anyone was fully aware of what had happened. Tiedoll's painting had a smear of dark paint across it, he hadn't been expecting the noise either and Kanda knew that it was not easy to startle the general, he might have even thought it impossible had Saya not just managed to do so. The general's eyes were wide, his expression one of utter confusion. Marie's expression was pained, Saya's cry had been far too loud for his ears. He was only sitting up for half a second before Tiedoll gave him a look. "Go find her."

It wasn't that they had expected her to run off like that, in fact, Kanda was absolutely certain she hadn't run off to get away from the Order, but something else. It could have only been something to do with those nightmares she'd been having almost every time they stopped for more than a few hours. Something had scared her. He'd seen her deal with a lot of emotions over the past few years, but he'd never seen her afraid. Shaken, freaked out, startled, but never outright afraid. This wasn't like when she had seen that stupid bug a few months ago. This was a debilitating fear. This had something to do with why she ran from the Order in the first place. It was important.

Her intention had obviously never been to hide. Even a moron could have tracked her. She'd just run, without thinking of where to go, she'd just taken off and hadn't stopped until she couldn't run any further in her exhausted state. When he found her, Saya was curled up in a tiny ball, shaking. She didn't respond when he called her, she flinched when she heard the crunching beneath his feet from fallen foliage, stiffened when he touched her, but when she finally did hear his voice she threw herself at him.

Kanda's mind went blank for a moment. He couldn't comprehend just what had happened to her. She'd never been fond of contact, something the two of them shared. He didn't like it when people touched him and he knew she'd always felt the same. It wasn't until she started babbling that he fully understood why she'd always acted as she had. Why she'd never tried to get close to people like Lenalee had done, like he never had, why she'd run away. Just then, any weak moment she'd ever had in front of him, any second in which that strong façade she had been putting up had faltered seemed much stronger than she was right then. It was strange for him to see her like that, to know that so much had happened to her when she was younger and she'd kept all that to herself for so long… it was no wonder she was having nightmares, it was no wonder she was afraid.

He sat there, holding her, for nearly an hour before she finally stopped shaking and he realized that despite how strong she had always seemed before, she was _fragile_, especially right then.

* * *

He heard Tiedoll and Marie coming before they had arrived and didn't bother to look up at them from his place on the forest floor. For a moment they were all silent, until finally Tiedoll spoke. "Don't worry, Yuu-kun, we won't tell her we saw her run off into the woods like a madwoman." The old man's chuckle pissed him off. "And we certainly won't tell her that she fell asleep in your arms and you let her sleep for hours."

"Che." Was his only response, but he could feel his neck and cheeks heating up.

"Oh and we won't tell her you were _blushing_. You're too cute, my son!"

He didn't move even when Tiedoll began to pain the scene in front of him, if he even noticed because he was trying to look anywhere but at the creepy general and since it was the first time Saya had been able to sleep soundly for more than two hours, he didn't yell, but the general was going to be _in_ for it later.

* * *

**A/N:** Okay, so I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this chapter. It's kind of eh, but it's been my intent from the beginning for Saya to have a breakdown like this. I didn't really plan on her Innocence talking to her, but it seemed like it worked well enough. No, her Innocence isn't what's causing her nightmares, it's really just her overbearing fear of losing the people she cares for.

I'm not really good at the chapters in which there are lots of feels, mostly because I'm not a very… feel-y person myself. I avoid all the feels like the plague, with the exception of anger and such. I feel like this chapter could have been better, but I'm not sure how I could have made it so, especially when the only reason I was able to get through it was lots and lots of solitaire, lots of losing at it anyway, considering I draw three cards and Windows is determined to make sure everyone loses because they suck. Kanda seems pretty OOC to me, but I guess it's okay because he didn't start the awkward hugging thing. -shrug- It's probably not going to get any better even if I rewrote the whole damn thing. The main points were as follows:

1. Tiedoll is a freaking creep that sees much more than you'd expect. He knows Kanda pretty well, so it's obvious he would be the first to point out some of the little things Kanda does around Saya that he doesn't do around other people, other girls especially.

2. Tiedoll's second purpose in the chapter was to give Saya the push she needed to realizing what has been holding her back. The questions he asked were what got her into that meditative state that allowed her to speak to her Innocence, even though I'd never really intended for that to happen.

3. Saya's realization that her fear of losing the people close to her and being the only one left alive was what kept her from wanting to help other people, which in turn messed up her synching with her Innocence.

4. Saya's nightmares to finally reach the boiling point where she couldn't handle them anymore and had her little breakdown which inevitably meant she _**finally**_ told Kanda a little more about her past.

5. Finally explain, even moderately, why she distrusts people so much and why she has never once wanted to ever protect a human.

6. Development between the two of them. They're finally getting a little closer and there's a little bit of fluff I guess, but that wasn't really one of the main points.

I'm also about to post up a oneshot that takes place mostly during the time that Saya was unconscious. Those three days in which her Innocence was all kinds of fucked up etc. It's in third person mainly focused on Kanda and his thoughts during that time. Since that's an important plot point for him, I figured you all might want to actually know what went through his head at that point.

Now for reviews.

**DancingDynasty:** I'm going to assume pretty darn excited! I'm glad that I was able to make your day with some updates. Hopefully this one doesn't disappoint you, but hey, she's finally sorting through some of the things, albeit messily, but sorting nonetheless.

**DGMLover12564:** Glad you liked it so much and yeah, you did spell _author_ correctly. Fun way to remember is that it has "thor" in it, meaning authors are gods in a sense? ;D

**Emmy Bookman:** My mental twin and one of the other reasons that I'm actually able to get any plotting for this fic done ever, I thank you profusely! xD Seriously though, without you, this chapter probably wouldn't have happened. You give many opportunities for brainstorming.

**Shadowsnow:** I'm probably putting you on blast and you're probably going to get kind of annoyed with me, but it's better than the response I have for ace-witch, I promise. Honestly, I have no idea what you're talking about and I get the feeling you had two fics open at once and reviewed mine in accordance to someone else's and perhaps reviewed that person's fic in response to mine.

**Apple Kisses**: Addicted? You're making me blush! I'm glad you like it so much. No, Saya's ability to catch on to languages is something all her own, I wanted to give her a little something special to make her feel a little different from other OCs that I had seen (granted I don't see many as I don't really have the time to sit down and read anymore) and figured that catching on to languages would both be fun and new. Not to mention make it a little easier for her to run around the world to get away from The Order xD

**Ace-witch: **That would be the 14th letter of the alphabet and doesn't really qualify as a review. If there's some other meaning to the letter, then by all means let me know because I am thoroughly confused as to why you would simply put one letter and leave it at that.

**RayofSunshine:** I wasn't expecting such a lengthy review! Thank you for all the compliments and I'm glad that you like this fic so much. Unfortunately I can't post an update every day, but I'm working on making them a little longer. I think the average for the last three chapter (including this one) has been something close to 8-9 pages on the word document I type everything up on first. Honestly though, I feel like I have a lot of trouble writing Kanda, especially when I go into the third person viewpoint focused on him, but I can't _not_ do it because he's just as important as Saya and even though I hadn't gotten into his thoughts before these last few chapters, it's important to point out that he's deviating from the Kanda portrayed in the manga and the anime simply because he's got feelings and doesn't know exactly what to do with them even though he's got them figured out. It's pretty awesome that you enjoy the fic so much and since I do plan to keep updating until I have come to a decent conclusion for the story, you might be facing disappointment a few more times, and I can't imagine how you'll feel when it actually ends, but hopefully it will be a good ending that you and all my other readers can be happy with.

I got so many reviews to reply to that I'm very happy! Thank you all!


	25. Chapter 24: Stalker Noah

Nearly a week had passed since my little… incident and needless to say I was embarrassed as all hell when I woke up later. Not only that though, I felt… lighter. Every time I'd ever heard someone talk about how telling the truth or apologizing or something like that made them feel so much lighter, I thought it was all a bunch of bull, but now… I could kind of understand what they meant. It was a little awkward, just knowing that Kanda knew more about me than anyone in the entire world, but everyone had someone that knew them incredibly well, and along with that awkwardness, it also felt comfortable, because someone knew. Kanda knew about what happened to me before I came to the Order and he didn't treat me any differently than he had before. Granted he was Kanda and he would never actually treat someone differently because he suddenly knew more about them, but it meant a lot to me because he was Kanda and my best friend.

That being said, I still got embarrassed whenever I thought about it and it took about three days for me to not get embarrassed just because Kanda was there. There was a very awkward period of time between the two of us after the incident for a little while. Neither of us were really sure what to do about it because Kanda obviously didn't want to push it considering the rather delicate state of… everything and I was still having trouble just talking about things. One thing was certain though, almost as soon as I'd told Kanda about my family, the nightmares became less frequent, though they didn't disappear entirely.

"Saya, I hear Akuma." I glanced at Mari and nodded once to myself, waiting for the rest of it. "Just east of here. It would seem our plan is working smoothly."

"All level ones then? Maybe one or two level twos?" I asked quietly. He nodded. If a plan as simple as the one we were using to mess with these guys was working, then they couldn't have been too intelligent. Currently, Kanda was with the general, leading the Akuma away from town while Mari and I were going to see just how many of the people in the town were Akuma. Tiedoll thought the number was too high the last time we were attacked and was now convinced there was a broker in this town somewhere. I really hated those bastards.

We moved slowly to the south, back toward the town, just to see what was going on. The general thought that if Mari and I were the ones to go back, the broker might let his guard down because Mari was blind and I'm a girl. I would have been offended, but it was true that most people didn't think or realize that a girl could kick butt. I was proof, but I would have to try not to do anything too rash too quickly. This did require us to seem obliviously separated from Kanda and Tiedoll after all.

The town seemed strangely empty now that the Akuma were gone. I cast a questioning glance at Mari who paused for a moment even though he couldn't see me. "I can hear some Akuma, not many."

"Are they all in the same place or spread out?"

"One place, they seem centered around someone."

"Probably the broker." I grumbled, frowning and I shoved my hands into my pockets. "I bet that bastard is grinning to himself right now."

"Why do you think that?"

"It's his big chance to kill a general and get in a favorable position with the Earl. If he's selfish enough to be killing people and turning them in Akuma, then he's probably happy with the prospect of a huge payday, don't you think?" He nodded once, expression pensive. "I hate people like that." A complete and utter lack of respect for life. He was just like that bastard that took my parents. Needless to say, I didn't appreciate the mass murder going over looked and unnoticed.

"We'll put a stop to this soon. He's not far from here. To the southwest of here."

"Should I check to see if they're transformed?" He nodded once and I activated my Innocence, sending the little tendrils out into the city. Before, it would have to be dark out for me to manage this, but now I could do it while the sun was up. "They're transformed. I'll lead the way, could you uh… try to look like you don't hear everything that happens around you?"

"You mean act like an ordinary blind?" He asked with a humored smile.

I laughed a little. "Yeah. That would be helpful. We have to pretend to _normal_." Sometimes I forgot Mari was blind, but when he would occasionally be able to respond when I've only nodded made it easy to forget. That and the fact that he could "see" better than most people with their sight intact probably had something to do with it.

He pretended to stumble along behind me, hand on my shoulder to make it look more convincing. The building was a small clinic and as the two of us stumbled past, I felt them all stiffen. "It's so quiet, is the whole town empty?" Mari wasn't being too loud, at least, not suspiciously so.

"Yeah, looks like it." I replied, eyeing the building as surreptitiously as possible.

It only took a moment for a middle aged woman to come outside. "Are you two alright?"

"Oh yes, we're fine." Mari replied. "My niece just got a little lost and I'm of little help I'm afraid." Niece? What kind of strange story was he concocting in that head of his? "The town seems empty. Is something wrong?"

"Oh no, everyone's likely at church around this time of day."

"Is that so? Perhaps we should go there then. Would you mind giving us directions?"

I saw the woman shift uncomfortably, just slightly before she said, "You two look tired, why don't you come in and rest a while. I'll make some tea." Well if that wasn't entirely too eager, I didn't know what was.

"That would be lovely, thank you." I withheld a sigh and lead Mari inside, taking note of all the Akuma and their locations. About seven and two were level two. Not really a problem anymore.

"Mari." I whispered as the woman walked ahead of us. "I think I can get all the Akuma from here. Just give me a sign when you're ready. Tap on something twice or something." Honestly I could barely hear myself, but Mari's hearing was good enough and he gave me a small nod in response.

We were lead further into the clinic, all the way to the back, like that wasn't suspicious. Finally she showed us to a small sofa and told us to take a seat. "You two don't look related."

"She's the daughter of my brother and takes very heavily after her mother's side of the family from what I'm told." Mari said with a smile.

"Uncle asked me to take care of him while on vacation. He wanted to travel and needed some help." I tried to sound like the dutiful niece, but it wasn't like I knew what I was doing.

"The two of you must be having so much fun." She was smiling in a creepy way that I hated, like she knew more than she did. "Where have you been recently?"

"Barcelona." Mari replied almost instantly, waiting calmly for the response. It was hard not to stiffen, but I managed, The Akuma were getting closer, Mari probably knew that better than I did. I waited for the tapping.

The broker stiffened though. "How was that? I've heard it is beautiful."

"I couldn't see it, but the streets were lively and the food was delicious. The people were very nice as well. I would like to go back sometime."

"So, have the two of you been many places?" the woman asked, her pleasant smiling failing quickly.

The Akuma were just outside the doors and my Innocence was still active, it was beginning to get tiring. "Oh yes." I replied offhandedly. "We've stopped in many places on our way here."

"That sounds lovely." She continued to smile.

Mari tapped twice as the doors burst open and all seven Akuma came through, only to be pulled into the ground by my Innocence. The explosion was muted and the destruction minimal, leaving behind nothing more than a smoking stain. "Oh, it _was_ lovely." I replied sarcastically. "We're placing you under arrest in a sense. You're now in the custody of the Black Order." She tried to run, but my Innocence bound her in place and covered her mouth. "Yeah, no. You're not getting away."

"Good job, Saya." Mari nodded. "I will call the Order."

"Gotcha. I'll get ahold of Kanda and the general." I ignored the woman glaring at me as my golem flittered around my head. "Oi, Kanda. We got her."

"Che. Where."

"Small climi on Forrest street. Follow your golem. You guys finished them off yet?"

"… of course." He grumbles and I suppressed the urge to smile. He was always so grumpy.

"Mari's in contact with the Order, this should all be taken care of soon."

"Che."

I barely kept myself from chuckling at him as the conversation ended. Mari came back a moment later. "Someone is on the way. With new uniforms."

Blinking back at him and then looking down at my uniform, I let out a small awkward laugh. "That might be a good idea." My clothes and jacket were torn and fraying, stained with blood and dirt and certainly not in any kind of good condition. Mari, Kanda and Tiedoll were all in much the same state. Even clean, our clothes looked a mess. New uniforms would be nice. "Kanda and Tiedoll are on their way."

"Good. Are you tired?"

"A bit, but I can last for a while. I will demand a nap later."

Mari chuckled slightly. "The general and Kanda will be quite capable of containing her. You can rest then."

"Thanks Mari." I replied, giving him a small smile. I looked back at the broker woman a moment later and gave her a nice big grin. "Have fun at church, lady."

* * *

Kanda and Tiedoll arrived quickly enough and proceeded to… well Kanda proceeded to knock the woman unconscious, much to Tiedoll's displeasure. I withheld another laugh and laid down on the cough to take a nap while we waited for the finders. I got about three or four hours of uninterrupted sleep before someone woke me up. "Shiyuki-dono, your new uniform." The finder looked a little uncomfortable as he handed me my new outfit, probably because handling a girl's clothing was awkward and the finders were part of the church, it probably seemed wrong to the poor guy.

"Thanks," I mumbled sleepily, getting up and taking the new uniform before searching for a bathroom to change in. My new uniform wasn't too much different than my old one, though it was still nothing like Lenalee's thank goodness. Shorts, again, that came to about my mid-thigh and were relatively tight, but easy to move around in. The shirt had a color that I could duck my head into, it covered my mouth if I pulled it up and it would stay there, but I could push it down too and the sleeves were long. It all came with combat boots that were light but well made, they came up to my knees and to top it all off, a floor length exorcist coat, with no hood. The lack of a hood made me a little sad, just kind of, because I'd grown fond of the hood on my old one. Hiding me face when I got embarrassed was just something I'd grown accustomed to doing now, especially since Tiedoll wanted to embarrass me all the damn time. Oh well, I could still hide most of my face in the collar.

As I exited the bathroom, the finders were escorting the now awake broker down the hall. I gave her a chipper wave in return to her glower and returned to the room I'd been in previously. Kanda, Mari and Tiedoll were there, everyone but Tiedoll in a new uniform. Tiedoll apparently hadn't wanted to part with his, too many memories or something. "Ah, Sa-chan. Your new uniform looks good." Tiedoll smiled at me as I entered the room, he looked happy enough with the work we'd done, though no doubt he'd complained to Kanda for a while about knocking the woman out.

"Thanks General." I replied lazily, turning to tap one of the Finders on the shoulder. "Hey, when you get back to HQ, thank Johnny and Tapp for me, will ya? The new uniform is comfortable."

"O-of course, Shiyuki-dono." The Finder stuttered a little, but went off without another word.

Tiedoll smiled at us for a full minute that was filled with nothing other than awkward silence until he finally said, "Shall we go then?" The responses were just as he expected, a noncommittal shrug from me, a "che" from Kanda and an "of course General" from Mari.

"You know." I began a little later. "I find it mildly amusing that the broker tried to tell Mari and me that everyone was at church and that's why the town was empty. When we're obviously from the church."

Oh?" mused Tiedoll, smiling like he usually did.

I nodded in response. "If she'd taken half a second to look at our coats, she might have realized that, but I guess not." I shrugged one shoulder. I wasn't particularly smart or anything, but I was observant, so when people missed the obvious, it bothered me just a little. "So, anyway, how do you guys feel about your new uniforms? I like mine for the most part."

"Che." The expected response.

"It is very comfortable." Mari remarked. "And it seems very durable as well, that will be helpful."

"Considering how much we put those last ones through… hopefully these take longer to destroy."

"You sound like you plan on tearing it up, Sa-chan." The general remarked.

Letting out a small chuckle, I grinned back at him. "I'm not, but it's bound to happen with all the fighting we've been doing." It was true, we'd done so much fighting recently that we didn't really have time for much else, even meditating, though it seemed like Kanda always found time for that. I, on the other hand, put more effort into finding time to sleep, but all things considered, I didn't think I could really be blamed for that.

* * *

We moved on for most of the day, stopping sometime late in the night, so Tiedoll and Mari could sleep. Since we weren't running around, I took the time to meditate, taking a seat next to Kanda and attempting to clear my mind, meaning, not think about my best friend. Almost instantly that familiar voice popped into my head. "Why are you sitting around meditating? Don't you _sense_ that?"

"Sense… what?" I asked my Innocence, silently of course, because it was bad enough that Kanda occasionally heard me mutter in foreign languages when I was meditating.

"Oh, silly human." It responded almost mockingly. "The _Noah_. One is nearby, he's been following you for a while. Wake everyone up and keep going."

"They need rest. Kanda and I are awake. If the Noah gets close… we'll go. But until that happens, we'll stay here. We can't do anything when we're exhausted."

"I would have expected you to run after him." Well… maybe my Innocence didn't know me as well as it thought it did.

"No… we can't take on a Noah, yet. We're not strong enough just yet."

"That's hardly the explanation expected of you, but it is true, we're not ready for a challenge like that, which is why I want you to move."

"I'll remain alert, but I'm not moving unless absolutely necessary." My Innocence made a huffy sound and became quiet. I was getting kind of used to hearing my Innocence now, but I was still certain I was at least a little crazy. However, I wasn't aware of anyone following us and one glance at Kanda let me know that if he _was_ aware of it, he didn't care.

Silently, I activated my Innocence and sent tendrils of shadows out into the surrounding forest. I found sleeping birds, squirrels and other animals, but then… after a few minutes, when I was just beginning to become strained, I found a human shape. Unfortunately, colors could not be sent back to me. He was nearly a mile away. I retracted my Innocence, covering about five hundred yards in every direction around us; if anything set foot there, I would have plenty of time to warn everyone.

Somehow, I managed to keep that up all night. When the sin rose, I deactivated my Innocence and went to sleep and when we traveled during the day, I tried to refrain from using it unless I absolutely needed to, but with Akuma following us everywhere, likely due to the Noah behind us, it wasn't all that easy. Fortunately, with my Innocence agreeing with my precaustions, it wasn't as difficult as it could have been. Tiedoll however, decided to make life a little harder almost the moment I began to get used to the strain I was putting on myself.

"Sa-chan, spar with Kanda today." I stared at the man like he was insane. "No Innocence, either of you."

By now, I knew better than to argue with the crazy man, even if I couldn't see the sense in sparring with Kanda when we'd been fighting Akuma day in and day out. Usually, I could hold my own against Kanda, at least for a little while, but right then, I was tired from using my Innocence so much. It had already been about a week. Any more exertion could result in very bad things, but whatever, if the general had decided to torture me, there was really no changing his mind.

It lasted about a full minute before Kanda delivered a kick I couldn't guard against and I flew back, landing painfully on my behind. "Hmm… much better than I would have thoughm but not quite good enough."

"I know." I grumbled from the floor. "I'll work on it."

"Practice makes perfect Sa-chan."

A groan left my lips and it was the only possible response in such a situation. The general had just told me that I would be sparing with my best friend much more often than once in a random while. I gave Kanda a glance and he just glared back at me, obviously dissatisfied with my performance, especially when he was very well aware of the fact that I could do better, when I was well rested and well fed, but it was hard to keep a parasitic type exorcist well fed in the woods and I was just going to have to continue to deal until we got to a town. I should stop rambling to myself.

Later, of course, Kanda took a seat next to me, when Mari and Tiedoll were asleep because he wanted to deal with their teasing as much as I did. "What was with that?"

"Hm?" I asked, half dazed, because my attention was split. "Oh, the sparring match. I'm tired and hungry, what did you expect?"

"Better."

"Of course you did." Even though my eyes were closed, I could sense his movement with my Innocence. He was glaring at me, oh joy. "What?" He didn't answer, obviously waiting for me to guess what he was asking (though I technically knew already because Kanda is obvious) and answer accordingly. He didn't buy the whole "tired and hungry" bit in the least. Damn him. "You're going to think I'm crazy." His glare hardened just a bit. "Fine, crazier, since you obviously think I'm at least a little insane and if I'm going to be honest, I do too."

I opened my eyes to watch his reaction. I still didn't really like… talking about myself, even to Kanda, but if he wanted to know, I wasn't really going to hide it from him. He could help, much more than most people, probably because he knew how I would react to certain things. It was one of the things I loved about him. Scratch that. Best friend. Damn him. "What is it?"

He really only asked me and Lenalee what was wrong, but he was always… gruffer with Lena, from what I could remember. I felt kind of special again. "I'm not kidding about the crazy thing. I've been able to… kinda… hear my Innocence lately. Like it has a voice. In my head." He raised an eyebrow at me and gave me a rather bewildered look. "I told you, crazy, but if I'm meditating and actually able to do it right, I can kind of… converse with my Innocence. Which is why I think I'm crazy, in all honesty. But it sensed a Noah following us… so I've been… careful I guess."

"Che. Tiedoll was hoping you wouldn't find out about that."

"So you all knew and didn't tell me?"

"…" he looked a little uncomfortable and I almost felt bad for putting him on the spot like that, but didn't because he _had_ been keeping important information from me. "After what happened before… he thought it best you didn't know."

"If you really think I'd go charging at an unknown Noah because I want revenge… then you're wrong. I want to, I really do, but I know I can't defeat a Noah yet. I can't even handle fighting you for more than a little while, Kanda. The Noah are… for the moment at least… beyond me." I was grumbling by the end of it. I knew I didn't want to admit that the Noah could effectively kick my ass, he knew I didn't want to admit it, but we both knew I had to, because I had to be capable of gauging my own strength if I could hope to gauge that of the enemy.

"Che." He looked away from me. "What do you mean careful."

"Oh, the usual. Keeping taps on everything within five hundred yards of us when I'm awake and anyone else is asleep. I'm not so worried when everyone is awake, but with those two out cold… I worry." He gave me a grumpy look. "You alone are not enough to alleviate my worries, Kanda. They might wake up quickly, but they're still… pretty much defenseless when asleep and that worries me."

"Attached already?"

"Kinda."

"Che."

"Heh, you are too, don't pretend you're not."

"What!?"

I was laughing quietly, trying to keep it down because I didn't want to wake Mari and Tiedoll up. "You listen to Tiedoll without questioning him. You'd be sad if he was gone. Mari too. You trust them. I can tell. That being said… I'm… glad you do." He was looking away, just a little embarrassed by the whole situation. "Also, I think I have a bruise where you kicked me, you jerk."

He gave me another bewildered look. "Che. You should have blocked."

"You're faster than me." I replied nonchalantly.

"… you can deactivate your Innocence." He grumbled, giving me an irritated glare. "Tiedoll wants you to spar with me more often, you shouldn't tire yourself out so much."

Even if he didn't really want to admit it, he did care, enough that he was willing to tell me to stop exerting myself. "it's good practice." The response was just another irritated look. "…fine."  
Begrudgingly, I deactivated my Innocence and gave him an annoyed little glare.

"Close your eyes."

"What?"

"Just do it." He replied, disgruntled. When I finally complied, he continued to speak. "You need to learn to sense people without your Innocence. You rely on it too much. _Baka_. Listen, try to hear those two breathing." If anyone else had tried to teach me this… I probably would have stiffened and been completely unable to focus on anything but the location of the speaker. Since it was Kanda, I was able to relax a little and listen, trying to hear Mari more than Tiedoll because that snore was hard to miss. "Get a feel for their presence. You've already got a basic understanding of sensing people. You would have been killed by an Akuma already otherwise." So it was like that. "What do you feel?"

I wanted to answer "confused" but that wasn't the response he was looking for. So, I made sure to reply honestly. "… Peacefulness… I guess."

"Remember that feeling. Does the surrounding area feel the same?" I nodded. "That feeling will chance when the Noah approaches. Open your eyes." Blinking up at him, I met his eyes. "We'll keep practiving, but this takes far less effort than keeping your Innocence active."

"Thanks, Kanda."

"Che."

He didn't really take the time to teach anyone else and that, among other things, made me feel a little special, even though I really shouldn't have. Suddenly, I felt the urge to lean on him, partially because I _was_ tired, but I knew I couldn't sleep because it _was_ nighttime after all. It quickly became a mental debate with myself. I was completely aware that neither of us were very big on touching, but if it was him, I didn't mind so much, but he probably would. I was thinking about it too much, obviously if it was causing such an odd amount of thought at such a random time. Finally, I just decided that I was too lazy to sit up on my own and if he pushed me off, I could make a joke of it. So I leaned over and just let my best friend support me.

"What are you doing?" He asked, almost awkwardly a moment later.

"Being lazy." I replied, eyes half closed, but still wide awake because I couldn't help it. "Ne, Kanda."

"…What?"

"Thanks." I whispered. "For always being here."

He grumbled, but he didn't shrug me off.

* * *

**A/N:** Sorry it took so long to update, but with holidays and school starting up again, as well as work, I've been a little low on time. Most of my writing is done… I kid you not… in class. I am secretly a genius or something. I don't know, but I don't really need to pay attention to absorb the information, or I do so better when I'm writing, no idea. Anyway, I feel like this chapter is also a little awkward, but I needed to address Skin being a creepy stalker, so that was the main point in this chapter. I already have an idea for what I'm going to do with the next one, and you guys might possibly be a little happier with that. Maybe. I don't know for sure. Half the time I just write and Kanda and Saya kind of decide where things go. Punks. Anyway, review responses!

**For the oneshot Fallen:**

**Anemos:** Kanda cares about Saya a lot more than he lets on and Saya is much the same way, as can be seen from her constant "BEST FRIEND" thoughts. Because she obviously thinks of him as more than a best friend or she wouldn't have to remind herself all the damn time, right? Lavi is a definite pusher in the relationship between Kanda and Saya, even though Saya doesn't seem to like him too much currently (she's of the opinion that he's insane and has a death wish, but that could possibly change later) but while Lavi is kind of like Kanda's little push, someone else will do the same for Saya, eventually. Glad you liked the oneshot!

**Emmy Bookman:** But Emm D: I don't love you in THAT way! Besides, if you left Eric I might have to figure out how to make real life anime characters and get you a Lavi. Just sayin'

**DancingDynasty:** Thank you for your comments! I'm glad I was able to portray Kanda well, even though he's such an irritable person and it's so hard to get into his head… He makes my life difficult sometimes.

**DGMLover12564:** Lavi is pretty awesome, especially that whole photographic memory deal. I wish I had that! Thanks for reviewing!

**For Chapter 23 Reviews:**

**DGMLover12564:** Kanda does have a soft side, it just doesn't show often! And I have no idea what song you're talking about, but most of my music is… definitely nothing close to mainstream or… anything that could be considered even a distant relationship for the most part. Anyway, glad you liked the chapter!

**Emmy Bookman:** Stahp, you're making me blush! Love you Emm and thanks for all the support and help and everything!

**bloodStainsOnMyKisses:** Siblings reading my fic? Oh dear… was she the one to tell you about it? Since both Kanda and Saya are rather unfeely people, it makes it a little easier and it also makes them very adorable because when placed in a relationship setting they are both so awkward that I just love them half to death.

**Anemos:** Saya's history is something special for her as well. She never even told Yeager and she tried very hard not to think about her family because it causes her a great deal of pain, but the recent loss kind of dredged up old memories and was the cause of her whole breakdown. Kanda serves as something of a steady thing for her, the only one in her life that hasn't really changed, despite how much time has passed. Last time she saw Lenalee, Lena was debating on killing herself, or trying to and now she's happy and completely different. As for Tiedoll… he has plans. I will leave it at that.

**Venus800:** I'm glad you like this fic so much! That's wonderful for me to hear/read because it helps me find the inspiration to keep writing.

**Hikari-Suzume:** Kanda… confess? Do you really think he would do such a thing? I have plans, but they will remain in the vaults of my mind until the proper time. Have fun suffering from not knowing until then :D

**Kid:** Here's that chapter you wanted, though probably not as quickly as you wanted it, but life is busy and whatnot.


	26. Chapter 25: Japan

"We're going to Japan?" I asked, staring at Tiedoll like he was insane. As far as I knew, even though I _was_ Japanese, Japan hadn't had contact with the outside world in something like three hundred years. They'd done the Chinese thing and become an isolationist country, completely self-sufficient and refusing everything any country ever had to offer. Why we were going there, I couldn't be sure, but that afternoon, when I'd woken up, he'd given us the news.

In the last few months, we'd picked up a number of Innocence, even managed to find one child accommodator and sent the kid back to the Order. I had thought that the only reason Kanda, Marie and I were there was because the Order thought three exorcists could protect a general from the Noah, though it didn't really seem all that likely. Technically we were supposed to escort him back to HQ, but Tiedoll had refused to go, he had a duty to do and he was going to do it, something I could usually respect, but heading to Japan just seemed a little crazy. Tiedoll just nodded as though my worries were meaningless. "Yes. There may be accommodators there. There may be Innocence as well."

Neither Kanda or Marie seemed bothered by the idea, so I shouldn't have been too worried, but… "Japan doesn't let anyone in. How would we even manage to get a ship there?"

"Who said anything about a ship?" Tiedoll grinned, that crazy grin that I hated because it usually meant something completely terrible was about to happen, or that he had the worst idea again, like training with Kanda, something I had been doing quite regularly the last few weeks. I couldn't really use any weapons, aside from my Innocence, but I was much better at hand to hand combat and my reflexes were certainly getting up to par. "We're not flying there are we? Because I can't fly." I grumbled a bit. I had been sleeping better, when we rested during the day anyway. I couldn't sleep at night and I highly doubted I would ever be capable of doing so. But I was using my Innocence a lot less now, it wasn't activated all the time in order to sense a Noah. Instead I had opened up my regular senses, relying more on hearing, sound, smell and feeling. If something bloodthirsty was in the area, I could usually tell, without my Innocence. Kanda's training worked, even if it hadn't helped my tenuous mental state in the slightest.

"A ship would be too large my dear. We will take small boats. A ferry to get fairly close and then the lifeboats or something similar from there, but we must get to Japan." I decided not to argue. It wasn't usually a good idea to argue with the general, but small boats to get across an ocean seemed like suicide. Then again… half the shit we did sounded like suicide. We hadn't died yet, might as well keep testing our luck and see how it would turn out.

I shrugged and Marie let out a small chuckle. "Do not worry, Saya. We will be fine. The general knows what he is doing." Tiedoll had Marie's vote of confidence, but Kanda was silent except for his trademark noise. Since he wasn't trying to strangle anyone, I guessed it counted as something like: stop worrying you moron, we'll live.

Comforting. A few hours had passed before we managed to get to a harbor town and charter a small boat. We had to drive it ourselves and charge the expense of buying it to the Order, because none of the people in the town were insane enough to sail out that far. Rumor had it that no one ever came back. I could hear people whispering and feel them staring at our group with our matching coats. One of the most annoying whispers was, "They're going to get those two children killed. That poor girl, she doesn't even look old enough to be traveling without her parents." They must have thought a woman needed to be twenty or something before they could walk around on their own. I was seventeen, sure I might have looked a bit younger to them because I was _Asian_, but I wasn't a child. The whispers didn't bother anyone else, just me. I had to learn to block those out too, just like I was failing to do with my ever-changing feelings about Kanda.

He was my best friend. He was helping me figure out how to control my Innocence, how to fight without it, how to sense things without out it. He was teaching me how to live without relying wholly on my Innocence. He was the only human being that I had ever told about my childhood and he was the only person in the world that knew me at my strongest and at my weakest. Kanda was the only person in the world that could really claim to know _me_ for me, good, bad, everything. No one knew me as well as Kanda did and I was beginning to think that no one ever would. This thought often sparked a silent debate between my Innocence and I about… what I really felt towards Kanda, but he was my best friend. He would always be my best friend.

"_Besides, he clearly doesn't think of me as anything more than a best friend either. Don't people always say they sneak glances at each other or something like that?"_

_ "How would I know? Besides, you've been going out of your way not to look at him. Don't think I haven't noticed."_ If Innocence could sigh, then Yami no Tamashii was letting out quite the large one. Sitting on a boat was not the best place for meditation, but the sun had set and we were on our way. I had told the three of them to get some sleep and that I could handle the ship for a while. It was set to go towards its destination through the golems, we didn't actually need to steer because it was a very small ship, but someone had to remain alert, just in case there were Akuma hidden around under the water or something.

Meaning, it was a very good time to meditate, but it also meant that my Innocence wanted to strike up a conversation every night and tell me how to live my life. "_Alright, shut up. You're so damn annoying."_

_ "I'm created from you, so you must think you're annoying too."_ My Innocence shot back and I could swear it would have been smiling smugly if it had a mouth and could smile, but it didn't, so the effect was essentially lost. "_Hey! Stop focusing on what I don't have._"

"_But there's so much to focus on._" I thought back. The little argument and constant back and forth teasing continued for a few moments before I went back to focusing on expanding my senses and not using my Innocence, trying to sense Akuma well before they could get to us. That didn't mean I wasn't scared of one following us underneath the water. I was worried half out of my mind about an Akuma shooting out of the water from under the ship faster than I could sense it, so I might have been pushing it a little, but Kanda would be upset with me if I used my Innocence, so I was trying very hard not to, despite the constant nagging thought that I should be.

The door to the little cabin on the boat opened and I focused on the sound of approaching footsteps in order to discern who it was, but I didn't really have to. I could hear Tiedoll's odd snore and Marie had been so exhausted earlier that I highly doubted he would be coming to check on me. My Innocence snickered a bit when I mentally admitted that Kanda had woken up, despite all of us being very tired. There was a slight rustle of clothing and a soft thump as he sat down and probably assumed the meditating position. "Couldn't sleep?"

"Che." He was anxious. Japan had been isolated for so long that neither of us really knew what to expect. We were both Japanese… but we'd never been to Japan. I was kind of worried that the Japanese we spoke would be different from the mainland just because it had been so long and wouldn't be able to communicate with anyone. "Stop worrying."

My eyes snapped open and I looked at him, confused. Was Kanda being considerate? I knew he had his own way of doing things, but he wasn't usually vocal about any type of help. I opened my mouth to point that out, but before I could speak, he gave me an irritated glare out of the corner of his eye. "Okay, how did you know?"

He closed his eyes and appeared to be meditating, but after a few minutes of silence, he spoke. "You're tense."

I shook my head slightly. "No, how did you know when you were inside? You can't see me being tense from in there. You should be sleeping after all."

He made his special little sound and was quiet again for a few more seconds before he finally grunted, "You're always worrying." I stared at him for a moment and he turned his head, looking away from me. "Especially when you're by yourself."

A small laugh escaped my mouth before I could stop it and Kanda turned his head to glare at him, but he looked a little embarrassed, but I couldn't really see clearly in the dark. "Sometimes I forget how well you know me. It's times like this that you find a way to remind me about it."

"Che." I was beginning to wonder how many meanings that sound held, since he used it all the time. If there was a moment where he didn't have the words or couldn't be bothered to say anything more elaborate, that sound was what came out of his mouth.

* * *

The rest of the ride on the small boat was fairly smooth, we actually didn't run into any Akuma, though there had been a very close call one night when I'd managed to keep up from being seen by cloaking the entire ship with my Innocence until Mari couldn't hear the Akuma anymore. The act hadn't even winded me like it might have when Kanda had first brought me back to the Order. It was both unnerving and invigorating. I felt stronger, less like a burden, hell I'd actually done something incredibly helpful besides… well… besides attacking a high level Akuma we had no chance of beating while aboard such a small vessel.

As soon as Japan's coast came into view, we boarded a smaller boat that reminded me of a canoe, and paddled to shore. Once we got there, my Innocence sprang into action without me consciously willing it to. A girl was standing nearby, but there was a black star on her forehead and her eyes... well the pupils were gold and where the whites should have been was a mass of black. An Akuma that was utterly failing to hide itself. "Wait a moment, Exorcists." It rasped, eyes training on Tiedoll almost immediately.

Kanda's hand was on Mugen's hilt seconds before Tiedoll put a hand on his shoulder and shook his head, making me nervous in the process. He was going to talk with the Akuma? Tiedoll then gave me a look and I forced my Innocence back into standby, waiting for something to happen. "Is there something you'd like to ask, Akuma?"

The creature smiled. "I am an Akuma that has been modified by General Marian Cross." I swear the blood left my head and I paled considerably. I did _not_ want to remember that guy. "I will lead you to where you need to go."

"Am I the only not entirely comfortable with being led around by an Akuma?" I ventured, giving the Akuma in question a not-so-subtle look of distrust.

It laughed in response, but Tiedoll replied before it could say anything that would provoke me to kill it. "Marian has always been a troublesome guy… but he does possess the ability to modify Akuma. I assume you are on a self-destruct timer?" The Akuma nodded and I found myself thinking that Allen would have been pissed to learn that his mentor was letting Akuma destroy themselves without first saving their souls. "Very well then."

"Follow me." It croaked, leading the way. Kanda walked directly behind it, followed by myself, Tideoll and Marie, in that order. "You will need to know that Japan has been completely taken over by Master Earl. Ninety percent of its inhabitants are Akuma, the majority at level three. I will try to keep us out of their eyes."

It was very, _very_, difficult for me to keep my Innocence from creating a shield around our group. So difficult, in fact, that I had taken to clenching my jaw and digging my nails into my palms to continuously remind myself that I couldn't go around letting the Akuma know that there was a very active bit of Innocence around. Tiedoll placed a hand on my shoulder and gave me what was probably supposed to be an encouraging smile, but the old man was starting to look so tired that it made it harder not to put up a shield. I was getting far too protective of people. The general could easily defend himself and the same could be said for both Kanda and Marie as well. I didn't _need_ to protect them, I just felt like I should be.

Who knew how long we had been walking, but definitely long enough for my feet to start hurting, which seemed strange considering we'd been walking across entire countries for the last few months. Honestly, I was amazed I could still feel my feet, let alone feel pain in them, but they were certainly sore, even though I wasn't particularly tired. The Akuma leading us however, had suddenly stopped, going completely rigid. I was ready to call on my Innocence, Kanda's hand hovered over Mugen's hilt and I didn't have to look back to know that Marie was ready should it come to a fight. The Akuma's head tilted back and it let out a pained sound before muttering, "Master Earl is calling!" Its hands were gripping its head and the Akuma fell to its knees a moment later, looking like it was in a lot of pain, but none of us moved to help it. I was waiting for it to attack, so was everyone else when Marie let out a pained grunt. I glanced back to see him covering his ears and point up.

We ducked, trying to find some sort of cover instantly. Overhead… millions of Akuma were moving, running toward the Edo, our final destination. I sucked in a quick breath and held it, forgetting to breathe. It didn't take a genius to realize that there were no level ones at all in the sky, there were a few level twos, but very few. Instead the sky was filled with level three Akuma, the humanoid shaped, dark matter manipulating creations from hell. I almost growled just from seeing them, but managed to place a hand over my mouth in order to keep silent and bit my tongue to keep my focus off shielding us.

That didn't prevent one of the last Akuma from stopping, sniffing around like a dog. "I smell something…" It cackled, like a really bad interpretation of a witch. It took a lot of effort not to tell it that it probably smelled its own filthy reek. Kanda shot me a glare, as if knowing exactly what I was thinking and warning me not to even try. I wasn't going to, but it was still funny that he knew what I was thinking.

The level three continued to sniff, getting closer to us and the closer it got, the harder it was to keep from throwing out a shield or slamming my Innocence into the Akuma to keep it the hell away from us. It found our Akuma guide fairly quickly though and with a high pitched cackle lunged at it, the level three's teeth coming down on our guide's throat. I mimed to Kanda awkwardly, "Don't we still need that?"

He nodded in response, but his face was grim. Tiedoll then placed a hand on my shoulder and motioned toward the Akuma, giving the okay to attack, probably because I could activate my Innocence faster than the others. I didn't hesitate now that I had the command. My Innocence sprang into existence, creating a barrier between our guide and the level three and then wrapping around it quickly, dragging the level three to the ground, but as soon as our guide stumbled away, it broke through my Innocence, causing me to stumble backwards from the force. Level threes were far stronger than ones or twos, making this much more difficult than it needed to be. Kanda actually steadied me (it only took a fraction of a second) before bolting toward the Akuma, Mugen unsheathed. Marie was also in action, his wires wrapping around the Akuma that had turned toward me because I got in the way first.

I couldn't help but smile and wave as it took a few heavy steps forward and was then forced back not only because it had to use one hand to block Kanda, but the other to keep Marie's wires off its throat as I threw a wave of darkness at it, forcing it back a few steps, but that was all we needed, it had to move its arms to block my Innocence, giving Marie and Kanda all the time they needed to cut the thing to pieces. Even a level three Akuma was nothing against Kanda and Marie. "Well, that was interesting." I grumbled, turning to our guide. "Are you still undead or are we out of a guide?" Had it been anything other than an Akuma, I might have felt bad, but it was a creature made from the soul and grief of a person. I couldn't bring myself to care.

It stood up, shaking like a leaf, but nodded. "I can… get you to Edo." Well that was a ray of light at least. Whatever was in Edo must have been important if freaking Cross was modifying Akuma to lead us there.

As we walked, falling into the same line, I had to keep focusing on my Innocence, to keep it from jumping out every time an Akuma passed over us. It was like my mind was synched to my Innocence so well that while my senses were in overdrive trying to sense the oncoming Akuma, my Innocence wanted to be in overdrive shielding against them at the same time. When we finally reached Edo, standing on a cliff looking at a mess of a battle, I let out a small sigh. Large Akuma-like creatures with multiple pairs of arms were smashing buildings and it looked like Lavi and Lenalee were down there, with Bookman and Krory, as well as some other people. I didn't see Allen though and I was quite certain he was supposed to be on that team. I didn't say anything though, there wasn't enough time. Lenalee's group was getting their butts handed to them and a simple nod from Tiedoll sent Kanda, Marie and I off, to do what the other group wasn't currently able to do. They were on the defensive; something bad had happened. Marie quickly used his strings to hold one of the giant Akuma down while Kanda sliced through it like it was butter. Meanwhile, I shielded away some of the debris that was flying around and as soon as Marie's strings held down the other one, I merged as much of the shadows together as I could, creating a giant jousting stick and threw it right through the Akuma's head, effectively killing it. My aim was still pretty terrible though, I would have missed by a mile had Marie not held it down for me.

It only took me another moment to turn, eyes searching for what needed to be done, I found that woman, Miranda, looking as though she were about to pass out along with… three people who definitely weren't exorcists. Great. Civilians. "Oi, Kanda! I'm going on the defensive. If you can get Lenalee over there, I can keep her out of harm's way!" I shouted over to my best friend. Lenalee was being carried around by Lavi, which was sure to be making Komui cry somewhere. Defense was my best ability. Even those damn Noah would have a hell of a time making it through one of my shields.

* * *

**A/N:** I know, it's been FOREVER. But school and such etc. I haven't had the time, energy or inspiration for this fic like I had before. I'm going to try to get it going again, but Blade Chord is probably going to be a seasonal thing. When I'm not getting degrees or working, I will try to get some stuff up. Luckily, I'm currently on summer break and should be able to get a few chapters up. After rereading the manga because my memory is terrible o-o

**Review Responses:**

**BloodStainsOnMyKisses: **They can be pretty adorable sometimes, yeah. The last chapter showed some of that, I don't think this one does too much, but it does kinda show that they've gotten closer, I think.

**DGMLover12564: **Saya does get shy every now and then xD Not very often, mind you, but sometimes, yes, she can be shy. Most of the time she's having mental arguments with herself because she's awkward.

**FallenWing21:** Hahaha, thank you for the compliments. I'm actually not that fond of my writing, I do it for fun for the most part, but whenever I look back I always see what's wrong with it more than anything else.

**Guest**: Uhh... thanks? I have no idea who you are, but I'm glad I'm someone's favorite xD

I would respond to everyone, but the last few people pretty much said the same thing. This update probably didn't come as quickly as you wanted, but there's been an update at least. I have no intention of abandoning this fic though, so you can look forward to that at least.


	27. Chapter 26: Millennium Earl

**Recap:**

As we walked, falling into the same line, I had to keep focusing on my Innocence, to keep it from jumping out every time an Akuma passed over us. It was like my mind was synched to my Innocence so well that while my senses were in overdrive trying to sense the oncoming Akuma, my Innocence wanted to be in overdrive shielding against them at the same time. When we finally reached Edo, standing on a cliff looking at a mess of a battle, I let out a small sigh. Large Akuma-like creatures with multiple pairs of arms were smashing buildings and it looked like Lavi and Lenalee were down there, with Bookman and Krory, as well as some other people. I didn't see Allen though and I was quite certain he was supposed to be on that team. I didn't say anything though, there wasn't enough time. Lenalee's group was getting their butts handed to them and a simple nod from Tiedoll sent Kanda, Marie and I off, to do what the other group wasn't currently able to do. They were on the defensive; something bad had happened. Marie quickly used his strings to hold one of the giant Akuma down while Kanda sliced through it like it was butter. Meanwhile, I shielded away some of the debris that was flying around and as soon as Marie's strings held down the other one, I merged as much of the shadows together as I could, creating a giant jousting stick and threw it right through the Akuma's head, effectively killing it. My aim was still pretty terrible though, I would have missed by a mile had Marie not held it down for me.

It only took me another moment to turn, eyes searching for what needed to be done, I found that woman, Miranda, looking as though she were about to pass out along with… three people who definitely weren't exorcists. Great. Civilians. "Oi, Kanda! I'm going on the defensive. If you can get Lenalee over there, I can keep her out of harm's way!" I shouted over to my best friend. Lenalee was being carried around by Lavi, which was sure to be making Komui cry somewhere. Defense was my best ability. Even those damn Noah would have a hell of a time making it through one of my shields.

**Chapter 26: Millennium Earl**

I managed to get there just as Miranda's Innocence deactivated, the building she was in started to collapse around her and the three people with her. In less than a second, my Innocence sprang into motion, surrounding us in a half dome, similar to the one that had shielded me and the orphans quite a long time ago. Fortunately, for everyone involved, I was a great deal stronger now than I had been then and was not trying to guard Kanda's back, though I was watching him closely. With everyone else shielded, I decided to stay put, hastily ordering one of the three men to help Miranda into an easier position so that she could rest a bit. "Don't worry about anyone attacking us. Defense is my specialty."

My eyes never left the battle. Marie was perfectly fine, using his wires to take down the large Akuma while Kanda was fighting with a Noah. I clenched my fists at the sight of the dark skinned man and grit my teeth, my nails bit into the flesh of my palms, but I stayed put. Miranda was in no condition to protect herself and neither were the people with her. After a few moments of watching, I couldn't really sit there and do nothing anymore, not with all that was going on. It was a chance, one that Kanda and Tiedoll had warned me not to take, but I had to try it anyway, because… when did I ever listen? Stepping out from underneath the shield I'd conjured around Miranda and the others, I lifted my hand into the air, watching the shadows swirl a bit before a large jousting lance appeared in my hand. By all rights, I shouldn't have been able to lift it, but Innocence was a wonderful thing sometimes.

_"Glad you finally think so."_ The voice chimed in my ear and I chuckled quietly. It had taken a long time before I learned to appreciate the Innocence, a very long time.

Anxiously, I responded to my Innocence in the same way. "_Will this work?_"

For an eternally long moment, my Innocence did not respond and I felt my heart speed up abruptly, was the strain too much? I didn't feel any different; sure, I knew the effort would be draining as soon as I finished, but… at the moment, I did not feel any physical pain as debris rained down on the shield guarding Miranda and the others. Then, my Innocence replied, "_It should. We're strong than we had been previously. Though, you _know_ he's going to be irate with you later._"

For less than half a second, I was tempted to respond that Kanda wouldn't even see what I was about to do, but within that same half second, I realized that Kanda always saw everything that went on during a battle, he had honed his senses to be able to react to anything, so he would know and he would get angry with me later, but oh well, I would deal with that when the time came. The large jousting lance settled in my hand, its weight bearing down on me for a moment or two before I repositioned myself and hurled it like a javelin at one of the massively large Akuma in the vicinity, then flung some more of my Innocence conjured shadows at it, hitting it directly on the pommel and giving it a bit of an extra boost. Just as the large Akuma had opened its gaping maw to let loose one of its devastating attacks, the lance embedded itself in the demon's throat, interrupting the attack and sending the damn thing flying backwards.

It disappeared a moment later, exploding as it died and I couldn't help but pump my fist in the air in excitement. At the very least, I didn't let my glee come out vocally, though there were a few things I did want to shout in particular, but a wave of exhaustion rolled over me and I hurriedly darted back under my shield, ignoring the stares I was getting from the random civilians Lenalee's team had brought along. I think they all had hero complexes or something. Or something had happened, as usually did to exorcists. Nothing was ever easy for us; take the current situation for example.

I must have jinxed it. It was the only way I could make sense out of what was happening. My breath hitched and my eyes widened. Suddenly I didn't care about being tired; I didn't give a damn that my muscles were essentially screaming at me. The Millennium Earl had just appeared, gliding down on his talking umbrella. If he wasn't so phenomenally frightening, it might have been a funny scene, but there was nothing funny about the large, angry grin on his face, or the strange, glowing black globe forming at the tip of his umbrella. He said something, but from where I was, I couldn't hear it. It didn't take a genius to know that something dangerous was about to happen and I pulled on my shield, bringing the edges to the ground and hardening it, putting as much effort into the protection as I possibly could. Even then, I still wasn't entirely prepared for the impact. From the inside of the shield, I visibly staggered back when whatever the Earl had done hit us and within moments, cracks appeared on my shield, but it held… for a moment.

A hand burst through one of the cracks and tore my shield away, leaving a gaping hole, through which I could see the Noah that Kanda had been fighting earlier, a large, sadistic grin on his face. "What have we here?"

I didn't think about it, in fact, I wasn't sure if I had acted at all rather than that my Innocence acted of its own free will. The shield dissolved entirely, then reappeared around Miranda and the others, leaving me open, but at the exact same moment, a sword appeared in my hand, black and formed of my Innocence. It wasn't a katana, like Mugen, but a European blade, straight and thick. I'd never actually used a sword before, in fact, whenever I formed my Innocence into a weapon, it took the form of a lance or one of the many similar weapons, but this time… the sword felt comfortable. The Noah swung his hand toward me, in a split second I realized that his hand was a weapon and lifted the blade to block, he gripped my sword and it dissolved, the shadows that made it swarming up his arm like host of angry insects. I urged it silently toward his eyes, but he jumped back, eyeing me warily for a moment and my Innocence reformed back into the sword it had been before.

Half a second passed and he disappeared in the thick mist that was swirling around in the wake of the Earl's attack. And then… then I heard Lenalee's voice, calling for us, but she sounded… different. "Wait here." I grumbled to the group behind me, leaving the shield around them and carefully edging my way forward. I glanced around multiple times as I slowly inched through the mist. When I saw Tiedoll's Innocence move, standing guard over my own shield, I lowered it, leaving the defense of that group to the general and moving forward far more quickly, toward the sound of Lenalee's voice. It would have been far more intelligent just to stay back, but if Lenalee was stuck out there by herself… I couldn't leave her out there.

The ground was flat and completely black, as though a coating of obsidian was now covering it. But a green crystal rose out of it, glowing and Lenalee's voice was coming from _inside it_. Kanda and Lavi were staring at it, only a few steps ahead of me and I grimaced at their wounds. "What _happened_?" I hissed, voice low.

Lenalee's hand appeared on the inside and I could hear her voice echoing as she called for everyone. Bloody hell she was more worried about us than she was for herself and we weren't stuck in a glowing crystal that looked suspiciously like Innocence. "_Her Innocence is protecting her…_" My own Innocence was quick to answer my question and as I stared up at Lenalee, my eyes widened. No.

Half a second later the Earl was hovering around her. "This Innocence looks strange." He was chuckling, and made a grab for Lenalee. I didn't think about it, I just flung my hand forward and shielded my friend. The Earl's hand bounced off, but his eyes landed on me a moment later and I knew it was only because he hadn't been prepared for an Innocence shield to form around her at the last second. Something hit me, I wasn't sure what it was, but I went flying, my shield broke and I could feel the distinct sharp pain in my head that was my Innocence screaming in pain. I hit the ground hard and rolled a few feet, almost back where I started, near Tiedoll's Innocence, Maker of Eden.

With an effort, I pushed myself back to my feet and wiped some blood away from my mouth, my lower lip was split open and it stung, but compared to everything else, it was a minor pain. "Saya, stay back." Tiedoll spoke behind me. I whirled around to see him only a few feet away, in an opening he'd made. The general beckoned me forward and I hesitated. I couldn't just leave Lenalee. "I want you to go around the other side. Support Yuu-kun and Bookman Jr. But don't move on your own!"

I grimaced, but nodded in response. I wanted to protect Lenalee, but the Earl hadn't had to bat an eye to fling me away and disrupt my shield, not to mention that the pain in my head hasn't fully receded. "_You alright?_" I questioned my Innocence.

I was met with silence. Great. I ran forward nonetheless, finding Kanda easily enough, and Lavi was right next to him, each fighting a Noah. Everything after that happened so quickly that at first it was hard to figure out what was going on. The Earl ran at Lenalee, then it seemed like the sky itself split open, there was a burst of light and then… Allen appeared, fighting the Earl with a lot more ease than I had. Forcing him away from Lenalee. The Earl did something, he suddenly had a sword, though I didn't know where the hell he managed to get it, he swung at Allen and then… more mist, much more. I couldn't see two feet in front of me and raised a shield just out of reflex. The effort caused my head to pound, but it was not the searing pain that usually served as a reminder to stop getting ahead of myself, so I let my Innocence coat the floor, looking for anyone who was nearby. Lavi was only three or four feet off to my right, Kanda was… not on the ground at the moment. I moved toward Lavi, my shield whirling around me, so that I could see through it most of the time.

As soon as I caught sight of the redhead, I retracted the coating of my Innocence on the ground and half a second later, Allen was there, asking about the Earl. Then… well Kanda yelled and came barreling through the mist, attacking Allen. I could see the shock on his face for the half second it was there and then it was pure annoyance. He still didn't like Allen. I hadn't felt the Noah, or the Earl, so I relaxed a bit, heaving a sigh as the two started bickering.

The mist started to fade. "Shove off, _moyashi_, or I'll shave your head and sell that white hair to come old geezer!"

"Black hair would sell for a higher price, Bakanda!"

I heard Lavi try to intervene, but I was trying too hard not to laugh. "Shouldn't this be a happy reunion?"

"Shut up or I'll shave you too!" the other two shouted together.

With a small sigh, I looked around, when my eyes landed on Lenalee's Innocence, I moved forward, not waiting for the others to notice. So far we were all in one piece, no one was dying, but Lenalee's condition concerned me. Almost as soon as I put my hand on the crystal, it dissolved and Lenalee started to fall to the ground. Rather than use my Innocence to catch her, which would have been the intelligent thing to do, I tried to catch her with my arms and ended up just falling under her weight, the air crushed out of me in a single breath as I hit the floor. But at least I cushioned her fall.

"Lena?" I whispered, shaking her shoulder a bit, but she was unconscious. "Oi! You three idiots over there!" I shouted, getting their attention. Kanda glared at me for half a second before he caught sight of Lenalee. "A little help here? Then you can get to shaving each other's heads, alright?"

* * *

Nearly a half hour later, we were sitting in a small tunnel, near the entrance. Lenalee was still unconscious and I had left caring for her to Allen who stayed by her side, as I leaned back against a wall and closed my eyes. I was tired, but I couldn't sleep, so I resorted to simply resting, letting my eyes remain closed helped me relax, so that at least I could feel like I was falling asleep. Bookman, Lavi and the three civilians, whose names I'd already forgotten, were talking with Tiedoll while Miranda rested and Kanda and Marie stood watch. I had offered to help with that, but Kanda merely che'd at me and pointed out in a very rude manner that he and Marie would sense something coming far sooner than I would. Tiedoll translated that into my needing to rest just in case I needed to shield anyone again.

"_Don't try and take on the Earl again. Neither of us are strong enough for that._"

The voice of my Innocence almost instantly calmed me. I had been trying to push away the panic welling in my chest for the last half hour at not hearing its voice, even when I called for it. "_I gathered that much._" I replied, letting out a huge breath of relief. My Innocence's voice sounded a bit weaker than I was used to, but given the circumstances, it made sense. "_You alright then?_"

"_Yes. I had to purposely lower our synch ratio just before the Earl hit you. Otherwise, he might have made you into a target, assuming he can sense how synchronized an Exorcist is to their Innocence."_

"_You think he can do that?_"

"_I have no idea, but I wasn't about to take that risk. Anyway, I know you want to rest, but you need to be alert. The others are watching for anyone showing up at the entrances, but there's no telling what the Earl is really capable of. Especially now that he's interested in your friend."_

I paused for a moment then opened my eyes and looked around. Everything was just as I had left it a few minutes ago when I'd closed my eyes at first, but I was far more tense now. "_What Lenalee's Innocence did… I've never seen anything like that. What the hell happened?"_

My Innocence didn't respond instantly, but when it did, I could sense its uncertainty and that was very far from comforting for me. "_It's unprecedented. I've never known something like that to occur. Her Innocence protected her of its own accord."_

_ "You've done that though."_ I pointed out, eyes still sweeping over my surroundings cautiously.

"_I reside in your _brain_. Thus I has a sense of self. Of _course_ I can act of my own accord. My will is, essentially, little more than an extension of your own, after all."_

_ "Ugh, I hate trying to keep everything straight."_

My Innocence let out a noise akin to a chuckle. "_I know. You simply hate thinking, you'd rather react instinctively and only use your brain when you absolutely have to. For now, focus on surviving and keeping as many of the rest of the group alive as well. Focus on that, you tend to succeed when you seriously focus."_ As I conversed with my Innocence, I saw Lenalee sit up, she was awake, but I said nothing even as she started crying, even when Allen cried, when Lavi and the other began to laugh at him. I kept my eyes on their surroundings. If the Earl was going to try anything, he would aim for Lenalee first, the old bastard…

Even so, it happened so fast I almost didn't realize what was going on. The floor opened up and Lenalee fell through. I was one my feet before Allen had reached for her and sprinting forward, grabbing hold of one of the growing line of people trying to keep Lenalee and now Allen and LAvi from falling through the opening, I pulled as hard as I could, but my feet slipped, someone grabbed the back of my traveling cloak and we all ended up falling through the opening. Once again all my breath left me when I hit someone upon landing and before I could get my breath back, someone else landed on top of me. I groaned in response before growling under my breath, "I am not built for this kind of abuse." A second later, Kanda shoved Krory off him and got off me, so that I could roll to my feet and away from the overly large pile of bodies, at the bottom of which was Lenalee who was kept from being crushed by Allen.

Without pausing to think about it, I placed my boot against Lavi and shoved him off Allen with my foot, once Allen stood up, I took over waking Lenalee up. "Where the hell is this place?" Kanda grumbled, looking around with his eyes narrowed in annoyance.

Allen had the answer. "We're in the Ark!"

"Why the hell are we in the Ark, _moyashi?_" Kanda growled a moment later and sure enough, they were at each other's throat's again as I used my Innocence to move Lenalee; she was just beginning to stir.

Lavi let out a surprised noise a moment later. "There's a strange umbrella thing under Lenalee!"

Kanda and Allen were then working together at the throat of the umbrella. "Good job, Lero." It was the Ear;'s voice and a moment later a giant balloon version of him shot out from the mouth of the umbrella, or the mouth of the pumpkin on top of the umbrella. Meanwhile I shielded Lenalee, the most vulnerable of our group and watched Kanda and the others visibly stiffen. The Earl was never a good sign. "The Ark's time has stopped! It's time for the Exorcists to depart!" the Earl's voice giggled almost. "Time for you and this ship to go on a one way journey to **hell**!"

There was a loud cracking sound and the buildings began to collapse. "RUN!" I shouted, dumping Lenalee on Allen to carry as I shielded the rest of us from falling debris. If one of those large stones fell on top of us… there was a chance bones could be broken or one of us could end up dead. The entire Ark was built like a city in Spain, all white buildings and blue skies, but that wasn't going to last. The buildings were crumbling almost as quickly as we could run.

The Earl's voice continued talking. "The areas that have been downloaded will continue to collapse, in other words, this entire place is going to be destroyed! Three hours, Exorcists, that's all the time you have left in the world!" As we had been running, Lenalee had woken up, and the Earl focused on her. "You've got such good friends, little lady! Look how many came for you, so don't feel lonely, hee hee."

"Oh, go shove an umbrella up your ass, you fat bastard." I growled, willing my Innocence forward and popping the balloon before crossing my arms and looking over at Lenalee. "We're getting out of this alive. None of you think otherwise. Got it? There's an exit somewhere and we're going to find it."

"Saya…" Lenalee was holding back tears. I gave her what I hoped to be a reassuring smile and ruffled her hair… or what was left of it. Lenalee's hair was so short now… it made mine look long.

We'd get out of this alive. I'd make sure of it… regardless of how confidant I really was.

* * *

**A/N: **It took a lot longer to update than I had originally planned, but I broke my finger so typing is difficult... ahem... yeah. I'm not too terribly happy with this, but here you go. There will be more concerning Kanda soon. w I have plans.

**Reviews:**

**Bimminy:** I have less time than most people between all the things I deal with. When I do have time for writing, this isn't always what I have inspiration for. There's a lot of other writing that I do that's original and not fanfiction.

**read'it'but'dont'believe'it: **Thanks! Saya's sanity is slowly eroding and it's a lot of fun to write, haha, I'm glad you enjoy it!

**DGMLover12564:** You got your recaps! Though I'm lazy, so it's really just the last few paragraphs of the previous chapter.


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